120 Days Keto-lite

A reoccurring theme in my life has been weight. We can agree that I've never been healthy where that is concerned - yo-yo dieting et al. But I think I am more sure to stay on the waggon, so to speak, this time. I figured rather than listening to the voices alone in my head, I can do something about it firmly. I don't know what it feels like, but I would love to experience looking in the mirror, for more than five seconds, and not having different variations/synonyms of the same word in my head. That word that I cannot say out loud, because the idea that I think that of myself scares mi, and somehow, saying it out loud feels like it can make it real.
Last week, three separate people used the word 'beautiful' to describe mi, either as a message from someone else, or from themselves. Recently too, when I look at my face in the mirror, I can see the word 'beautiful'.

But it vanishes once I look down.

I say Keto-lite because a friend of mine recently introduced mi to the Keto diet. It seems pretty legit, but I have heard some troubling reports about side effects, and my mother wasn't too amused about the diet either. So I figured holding off on the cholesterol increase, and keeping carbs at 30g max was safer. At least for a little bit. And of course, there is the training (exercise) as well. I know I have to work on my mind and mindset, and that isn't something I will neglect. It's 4 months to my birthday. I think being able to look in the mirror and smile, truly smile, will be the best birthday present I can give myself.

....wish mi luck/say a prayer for mi....

xo

...It is Well....

Some people live, and some people die.

The choice of who falls in what camp seems to be as random as a game of Russian roulette. Age, ethnicity, gender, income level....nothing seems to be a factor in who gets chosen, and who gets left behind. One family prays for a child for a decade, gets blessed with one, only to loose said child barely two decades later. Another family has children immediately, get to live and see the great-grand-children, offspring of the original prayer.
What is the criteria for falling into camp A versus camp B?? We, as Christians, are told to not fear death. Have faith. Don't let the fear of the unknown control you.
I must admit, in this new world, where young and old are fair game, it gets harder and harder.
Is it a new world, or am I just becoming more aware as I grow older??

My friend's brother, a school mate, passed away suddenly. I understand this logically, but I can't feel. My heart is frozen; paralysed with fear. I'm too scared to imagine the hurt, the pain, the sorrow. I'm too scared to fathom the idea that someone so young will be gone so soon. I'm too scared to accept it, cause in my head, I see the grim ripper with a lottery box, pulling out numbers at random.
I don't want to be scared, but I don't know how not to be. The days where I lived in the illusion that you cannot die till you have seen your grand-children are long gone. What happened to that little girl with all the faith??

I want to call or text, but I have no words. All I keep on hearing, all I keep on seeing are the lyrics to the song, 'It is well.' It is well, it is well, it is well, it is well.... I have no words, and so I will continue to say this prayer for her and her family. I'll say those words because I know above all else, only God knows why and He alone can heal. So, it is well.


Lord, may our children burry us; but only after we have seen, held and communed with our children's children. Lord, may we burry our fathers and mothers; but only after they have seen, held, blessed and created long lasting memories with our children. Lord, may we not mourn our children. Lord, may our children only rejoice in our parting to join you in our old age.

Still Storms

What moves you?

The sound of life being resorted,

The breath of heaven in the trees. 

The look of freedom in the eyes of a captive who finds freedom??

What moves you?

The overflowing love He shows that orphan child that man tried to deny love,

The fierce protective force that sweeps away persecutors of His children,

The overwhelming desire to please Him that chokes you??

What moves you? 

Are You Listening?

The smile on my face is fixed,
like the ache in my chest at the sound of your voice,
or the lack of it thereof.
The words in my head are rehearsed,
like the lyrics to the ballad that signifies our song,
or the lack of it thereof.
The anger in my heart is tormenting,
like the fierceness of a raging-calm sea,
or the lack of it thereof.

We make no sense, I know.
Everyone is so keen on mentioning it.
But this nonsensical us, I miss.
We have no order, I know.
Everyone is keen on mentioning it.
But this random us, I miss.
We are in a constant tango, I know.
Everyone is keen on mentioning it.
But this dance, and now, the lack of it thereof,
I miss.

Alive, Sorrys and R.I.P

Today, I realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. I don't know how long this has been the case for, and ironically, I don't know who unfriended whom. I say this because there was a time I wanted to delete you from my life entirely, so there is a chance I did that then. There is also a chance you did the unfriending, in which case, anytime in the last couple of months will be a fair guess.  

What struck mi wasn't the fact that we were no longer friends, (as that has been evident for a while now), but how petty and unchristian I have been about the entire ordeal. True, I transitioned from being mad to disliking to not carrying to being neutral where you were concerned. But I was mean in the things I said about you. 

For that I truly am sorry. 

It's not that I want to 'fix' things or become friends again. I don't think our personalities align for that or that it is necessary. But the negative comments were uncalled for and for that, I am sorry. 

How you choose to live your life and what you choose to do really are not my concern or for mi to comment on. We are strangers who go to school together to be fair. I can't comment on the things you do because I don't know you. 

So I am sorry for everything this far. Quite certain you won't see this. Quite certain there is no point talking about this. But I do promise, to myself and God at least, that if I have nothing good to say, I won't say anything at all. I sincerely wish you well here on out, and I hope this reflects in my attitude and behaviour as well. I'm not doing this for you, but so I can look myself in the mirror and be okay. 

xo

Learning Again

Learning to see aspects of myself I don't like, but not let it affect how I feel about myself. 

Learning to see character flaws in myself, and not automatically assign the 'bad' label as usual. 

Learning that I can work on mi, without the bonus of condemnations. 

Learning that it takes time, and I will need to learn patience with myself along the way. 

Learning that friendships come in different forms, and that not everyone is a 'close friend'. 

Learning that just because someone isn't a close friend, doesn't make the person an enemy either. There are friends for different seasons, levels and situations. This is also fine. 

Learning that not everyone you want to be friends with will be friends with you. 

Learning that the more you talk about others, the more alone you get. Lonely is fixable, alone is almost not. 

Learning

Learning to communicate.

Voicing out my thoughts changed the theme of this post from a sorrowful mystery to what it is about to be. 

Learning to be alone. 

As terrifying as it still is, accepting that it is okay to be alone; understanding that not being with the person you want to be at a particular time isn't the same thing as being alone. There are many who love mi. 

Learning to fight the fears.

Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it's so easy to give in. Yes, it's breaking away from the norm. Yes, it is what's best for mi. 

Learning that I am changing. 

A scary process, as there are no rules, guidelines or concrete stands. Yet, it's a necessary aspect. Necessary part of moving forward, letting go, facing the demons; becoming free. 

xo

Mi

Sometimes

It's been a couple of weeks in Cali, well maybe 2 weeks. While I've found readjusting into the school system (the other end of it) a slightly troubling but fun experience, its the loss of complete independence that I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Coming from living alone, paying my way and getting to places on my own, to having to rely on someone for everything is unsettling. I can't live alone right now cause it's not financially feasible. I can't have a job right now cause there aren't any available to fit my time schedule. I can't go around on my own yet because driving is still a bit dicy for mi.
It's frustrating knowing that I have to ask, and essentially bother, someone else in order to get the necessary things done. I understand that they don't necessarily think that way, but I can't rationally help thinking the way I do. Makes mi wonder if it's because I feel that way (deep down) when people ask mi for help constantly, but then I know this isn't the case. I know, for a fact, that I don't think that way. But why I can't believe others are the same is beyond mi.
Academically, I'm fine. I mean I'm not an idiot. I understand that I need help there when I need it. But it's in other ways.
Like today. I bought a printer. My housemate has two printers in her room. She told mi I could use it anytime I wanted, and even offered mi the option of downloading the CD to my laptop so I can use it whenever. But I bought a printer.
It's not that I didn't trust her offer. It's just....well for one I have the 3 strikes thing. I asked her to help mi print somethings and she forgot. I know it wasn't intentional, but then I feel bad re-asking. So I don't get the things printed, and I loose out. I also don't know what the 'printing page limit' is. Or if I contribute to buying the ink....see how far my train of thought has gone?? I'm not generally that way with people I've known for 6 years and up (at least I like to think so), but it's getting to that time that is work. But then there are some people I feel I won't ever get that way with....
I think the most terrifying thing to mi or rather the hardest thing for mi is not having a job, and having to feel guilty for spending money all over again. Japan cured mi of that. I earned the money and I spent it. I also learned how to budget and things of that nature. Here, it's like a yo-yo diet. I spend money, feel guilty, starve myself of the money, then crash and spend crazy. It's a never ending cycle of insanity.
I want to get the library job. I think I can be really good if I do....or a job of similar nature....
My school does require 16hrs of therapy before the 3rd year. Maybe I can ask my therapist. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to create things to talk about with them.
Anyway I've got assignments to do and papers to write....wrong day for feeling sad....

Forgotten Fears

I walked into work today to find a note on my desk. The teachers asked mi to write about my JHS days. They wanted a fond memory, a shameful memory, a funny story, my club and my nickname. Innocently they had asked, but as soon as my eyes set on that sheet of paper, I felt a sudden fear grip mi. 

JHS for mi held no fond memories as far as I can remember. In fact up to SS1, I don't remember anything fond. But I believe thats because I had such a bad time and it clouded my memory. For some reason I posted a status on facebook, asking about JHS memories, and to my amazement, people responded with the simplest things. Things like visiting day, being sent by seniors on impossible errands, going on report.... I realized thinking about JHS doesn't have to be as daunting as I thought. I could still share some funny stories that happened to the general student body, without necessary depressing everyone with my less than happy almost attention-seeking-sounding tales. The things we learn daily still amaze mi.

xo

What Have You Done So Far?

Watched a movie today about three old women who saved for most of their life wanting to go to Hawaii, and in the end, lost all the money and never made the trip. 

Then I read an article about a 20 something year old Nigerian girl who set up an air ambulance service in Nigeria. 

All I could think to myself was 'What have you done with your life so far??'

Some people might say I have achieved a lot, but its weird cause I don't feel that way. Maybe because everything with mi seems to start and get completed and then I move on, so I feel like I haven't done anything. I mean I have all these ideas I've thought about but never really put too much thought or effort into....

Partly cause despite being Nigerian, I feel I don't have as much patriotism as a lot of people seem to. The passion to 'go back and change my home land' isn't really burning in mi. A part of mi does feel some what guilty about this. I mean I should have love for my mother land, no?? But at the same time, I cannot say I would go back home to settle and 'make a change' cus I know I won't be happy. Thats the one thing I am sure about. 

I've always been a cat, or a bird or whatever animal you want to call it that loves freedom. Being tied down to one country seems so.... sometimes I wish it was possible to be a citizen of the world. Like does it really matter if the difference I want to make isn't in a specific country?? Does it matter if people don't know about it?? 

I wish I could tell myself it didn't. I think rather than people, I'm the one who feels like.... I guess I just need to.... no, its not that I want to do something big and drastic like change the world or etc, but I would like two things, probably separate from each other - to touch the life of a child or children in a special way, and to start something that would be recognized.... ah, maybe they don't have to be separate after all. 

I always wanted to start up an orphanage for kids. But more than the normal kind. One where they would be taken care of till educational wise as well, with free education all the way to college/technical school. My only problem was where to locate it. People would say in my home country of course, but thats not the only place where orphans are located now is it?? Maybe I can do a house in different country. Have a certain number of kids around the world....like Oprah's children. 

Maybe I can do this, but I'd have to start small. Like adopt a kid for instance.... virtually.....sponsor maybe?? Or get people to sponsor....should I go into child psychology??

Ah, I'd need to look into this more and pray some more.

 For now, I'm tired. I'd drive myself insane keeping myself company for too long, I just know it. 

I do Day

My wedding.

First off, I think I'm thinking about this cause I have a lot of free time and my cousin just got married, but regardless of what I say (and I do say a lot of BS), there are some constants that I must have for my wedding it seems.

1. Location: Nigeria, North.
I don't care if I am marrying someone from Mars, my wedding has to be in Naij. The thought of not having ALL my family members at that wedding is not fathomable. My grandpa, the love of my life, has to be there for one (God willing), my grand ma, cute little thing she is, has to also be there (also God willing). Then my cousins and siblings, whom I believe invented the art of partying, must be there. Lets not get into my aunts and uncles and etc....plus regardless of what people say, you get more love back home at weddings than elsewhere. Other places, there is like a closing time for your wedding. Naij, bless our soul, with our semi-lawlessness in that regard, feel free to party all night or marry all night as the case may be. 

2. Religion: Christian.
This should probably be one, but I'm not writing this in any order. I cannot, for one thing, deal with the drama of explaining to my folks why I have to marry a non-christian, or the future drama of what religion my kids would be, or all the etcs that come with inter-religious weddings. He has to be Christian, no debate there and no gist necessary actually.

3. Theme: Traditional and White.
My wedding shall be about a week long event lol. And yes, it is an event. I wanna have my Spinster's Eve/Bachelor's party (separate pls, none of that joint business. Do your thing, I'd do mine), on one night. Then my traditional weddings - His culture (yes, non-Nigerian if you must know), and my culture (both the Edo and Hausa side....we shall make it mix lol). Thats too much work for one day so two days. Then of course the Church wedding and reception then of course thanksgiving. Its mainly 4 days, but since it would be a lot of work, we'd say trad weddings first - tuesday, wednesday - then break thursday, parties friday, wedding/reception saturday and thanksgiving sunday. 

4. Wedding time: Brief.
I am not getting married on a Sunday, so my wedding SHALL NOT be a Church service. Don't get mi wrong, I love going to church and worship and all that wonderful stuff, but thats what Sunday is for (as well as midweek services). If the wedding is more than 1 hour, max 1 hr 30, there is a problem. I went to wedding once where it seemed like the wedding was just a part of the church service, kinda how you do thanksgivings. Nope, not for mi. 

More to come....