Forgotten Fears

I walked into work today to find a note on my desk. The teachers asked mi to write about my JHS days. They wanted a fond memory, a shameful memory, a funny story, my club and my nickname. Innocently they had asked, but as soon as my eyes set on that sheet of paper, I felt a sudden fear grip mi. 

JHS for mi held no fond memories as far as I can remember. In fact up to SS1, I don't remember anything fond. But I believe thats because I had such a bad time and it clouded my memory. For some reason I posted a status on facebook, asking about JHS memories, and to my amazement, people responded with the simplest things. Things like visiting day, being sent by seniors on impossible errands, going on report.... I realized thinking about JHS doesn't have to be as daunting as I thought. I could still share some funny stories that happened to the general student body, without necessary depressing everyone with my less than happy almost attention-seeking-sounding tales. The things we learn daily still amaze mi.

xo

BLESSED IN YOU

Memorial Song as promised. I'd record the tune on my keyboard sometime later and post it for those interested :)

Enjoy!!

St 1: Like a shooting star

You shot into my world.

In a little while

You changed the shape of my stars

And just as I was

Try’to adjust

To the new light you shined in my world

St 2: Like a little dove

You flew out of my life

I had no say

Just had to take it that way

Now that we’ve both, gone our separate ways

Got just one last thing to say

Chrs: Thank you

For giving me love

For teaching me to live each day as my last

Thank you

For giving me hope

For letting me know that some day, some how, some where in time

I was actually blessed by God through you.

St 2: So many things

I’d love to ask and know

Like how or why

Or what actually went wrong

And just as I was

Tryna begin

I saw there were no answers for me

St 3: So many times

I’d love to see your face

To hear you laugh

Or see the twinkle in your eyes

But now that I know, that cannot be

 Got just one last thing to say

(CHRS)

Brdg:

You gave me love – that’s why I’m stronger

You gave me faith – in a haven away

You gave me your shoulder – when I was in tears

You gave me a reason to smile with a brand new day

You were my friend, my brother, my sister

You were the love of my life

You were my helper, my comfort my strength,

That’s why am strong enough to say

(CHRS) 2x

I was actually blessed by God…

through… you.

Giving Thanks - December 10th

A few hours ago, I thought this post was going to be depressing, considering the fact that I just heard of the loss of an uncle, and that it seems to be annually so (is that a correct English sentence?). I haven't liked December for a while now (still don't really), which is sad considering it is a month of thanksgiving for the coming of our savior. It's mostly because over the years, the season has been associated with more tears than laughter for mi. 

Then it occurred to mi that just a year after the crash, the memorial song I wrote (will be posted after this) was not one of sorrows, but of thanks. Somehow, I was able to find somethings to be thankful for. So in keeping with the spirit of that time, and taking a step in the positive direction, I decided to make myself think positive for this year's tribute. Rather than be sad, I want to give thanks.

Give thanks to God for the two lives spared. 

Give thanks to God for the lives of the 60.

Give thanks to God that our paths crossed and I was able to meet them.

Give thanks to God for the blessings they brought with their presence and even in their absence.

Give thanks to God for the lessons we learned from their short lives.

Give thanks to God for the smiles we get when we remember then in different ways.

Give thanks to God for the love He allowed us share and experience in their short time on earth. 

Give thanks to God for the comfort He has given since that faithful day.

Give thanks to God for the depressing void he has filled with good memories since.

Give thanks to God for the continuos healing. 

Give thanks to God for the strength He has bestowed upon us all to continue to carry on.

And above all else,

Give thanks to God for the promise of eternal life, which gives us hope of meeting them again. 

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2013:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

Thinking of you yesterday, today and forever. In our hearts always

RIP

Bad Habit

I have this bad habit of searching through my newsfeed for news of deaths in December. Its so strenuous on my nerves, because it feels like I am holding my breath through the entire month, waiting for some news to come up. I always expect at least 3 - Hollywood, the world and close to home. I think it was one of the side effects of December 10th for mi, among the many others. Ah, just realized what I want to write for my tribute tomorrow. Funny, it is a little different from what I had expected myself to think of. 

xo

The Last of the '-ember' Months

    There are some people you know and think of, and you don't put them and death in the same scene. I mean you know, at the back of your mind somewhere, that everyone would die someday. But these people just don't come to mind when you see an RIP or hear of a person's passing. 
I always dread December.
Maybe its because of December 10th, or the fact that in the last 3/4 years, I have lost someone close between around this time, or the superstition behind the '-ember' months, but December has always been my least favorite month. Sad too, being that it is Christmas' month and all. 

Just heard a friend of my dad passed away. He was one of those people I mentioned above. The ones you just don't associate with death. Even more so with his death. He simply slumped. 

Such an odd thing death is. One minute you are talking to someone, and the next minute, they are not there anymore. 

This hurt more because I had the unfortunate and unexpected job of breaking the news to my mum. 'That's impossible', she said, 'We were together only last week.' 
His wife said he woke up in the morning and slumped. 

Its so scary this month. Almost feels like the rounding up of a chess game. Where the pieces move randomly and unexpectedly. 
The lonesomeness of death is most scary. Scarier still if you already feel alone. 

Praying that this year shall not close with anymore loved ones, and we shall only celebrate the Joy that is the Lord's birth in this season.

Praying for comfort to the families that have lost loved ones this season.

Praying for us all. 

Mothers Rock

Was having a pretty shitty evening, still am from all accounts of it. But a brief chat with my mum, about nothing in particular to be honest, dragged mi out of the depth of my misery. Still a little low but nothing a good night sleep and some coffee in the morning can't fix. 

All in all, I love my parents, and I adore chatting with my mum. She was probably a stand up comic in her last life :)

xoxo

Just Another Day

Most people have a time or several times in their life, where they have felt beautiful. Or for some, gorgeous to a certain degree.

I don't think I've ever felt that way. I've come close - feeling as though I am on my way to feeling good about myself. Never quite got there. 

They say you can't love unless you love yourself. I think you also can't let anyone love you until you do yourself....

This is about to be one long process....

Hon Tatsuno

Current location. It's lovely being here. Staying at a friends. Her familyfeels like   home. Went out with my friend n bf today. was painfully obvious she tried to be zero affectionate with him cus of mi. 

My fault though. 

I was a spoilt brat at one point. Couldn't stand sharing my friends. Still battling with it but a lot better now - as long as I'm not forced into a 3rd wheel affair. 

 We had a huge fight few years back and I guess she was trying not to 'hurt' mi. Which in turn made mi feel like an ass. 

It's a lie that the one that does the hurting forgets. Kinda hard when the other party is being extra nice (like the Bible says). Truth is, I'm extra happy for her and wish she had been more into him like she wanted to. But I can't tell her this cus I know her well enough that it'd get a lol awkward if I do. Or I know mi well enough. 

Sometimes I really want to go smack myself in the past. 

 In other news, I wish I could live in Japan. :( But the world isn't being very cooperative. 

Night. 

50 Shades and Other Colors: Rated R (3)

Ok I lied. I can't stop ranting lol. But since this is my blog, I do as I please....

I love this page: http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/page/28 

I think it sums up almost everything (and some) I was ranting about in my last two rather long-winded essays - ya turned out longer than I expected. Hilarious.

My friend, who introduced mi to the book, is head over heels for it, and thinks I am same. I don't have a heart to tell her how I truly feel. That and the fact that she seems ready to rip heads off when it comes to this book. And I think I'm the only one in my current continent who did not get 'violently' turned on at all from the books!! A second friend told mi it's hard reading the books here, since we're alone. Took mi a few seconds to gather she was referring to the sexual aspect. Erm....I was quite fine actually. I think the Brotherhood series, now that would have been a hard read. I think the only difficulty was getting past the exaggerations and the repetitiveness - the number of times I had to read 'oh (insert name)/ 'crack whore', 'your Ms. Robinson', same old arguments, etc. 

Oh and just on a side note, What was the use of the random character in the building (I forget the name Es....), the one that looked like he worked for the media?? He didn't play any role - aside from having things delivered to him - in the story so I don't understand why he was included. 

Another side note, why were there several pages of very unnecessary emails - back and forth - between Ana and Christian?? About a third of the third book was comprised of said emails - that again added nothing to the story line. 

Side note again (lol). I am hoping Christian remembered to take out all the grossness he keeps stuffing in his pocket, and spares poor Mrs Jones. Though a woman who would clean up the play room toys  after various women with questionable hygiene, health status and background, doesn't strike mi as one who would be so particular about the gross contents of her boss' pockets. And why, pray tell, does he have like five million condoms spread across all his clothes?? Does he have them on auto-delivery from some store or something?? 

Final side note (I promise), I think Ana would make a fine psyc patient. She definitely has some delusional disorder, possible schizophrenia, is bipolar, has some borderline and histrionic traits, is co-dependent on her master/dom/husband....a psyc ward's dream, whats not to love?? 

Ok I'm done now. Really lol. 

Bed time. Had a good laugh and feeling better.

50 Shades and Other Colors: Rated R (2)

Where were we?? 

The third book.... as far as waste of time, space and precious computer space goes, this book takes the price there. A more expendable piece of literature is yet to be published. There was absolutely no point to the third book. Nothing was said or done in this book that could not have been said and done, in a concise number of pages between book one and two - which could also have been cut short to maybe a 20 or so paged thesis-like paper. I think I read about half of the book, skimming over most pages on the way. And for some absurd reason, its the longest of the three!! I love how their are so few sex scenes (at least in the parts of the book I glossed over), compared to the first two books. Like James got bored of her own writing - which I totally understand. There are just so many 'out of this world' positions you can create at a stretch. The one thing that could have been entertaining - the connection between Christian and Hyde - was, oh so splendidly murdered by the wonderful writer's anti-climatic skills. Nothing could have been more of a let down than 'we lived together'. I think its spectacular though that Christian, with the photographic memory from his childhood, conveniently forgets living in the foster home where he met Hyde. I'd be pissed too if I were Hyde lmao. Of course the ever-water-working Ana holds back a sob, on cue.
Meanwhile, what were those last few pages in the book about?? Bonus material?? lol

 I swear E.L James wrote a really long fantasy diary and split it in three. She had to get every page published somehow. 

Now an overall picture.

First off, and least problem of all, is that I was thoroughly offended I had to use a dictionary every couple of lines in this book. I didn't realize I knew so few words in the English dictionary....or understand why she had to use more sophisticated words than necessary....
I think the most incredulous thing I've ever read, has to be the contract Christian handed Ana. I snatched up my glasses, a pen, paper and navigated to wikipedia for a thorough understanding.

Ps, I now have some very useful knowledge, incase I am invited to a gathering of Doms and need to make small talk. 

After careful examination, I concluded that Ana, though she was a virgin until Christian, must have been a proper whore in her past life to have considered signing that contract in less than....what was it a week?? I mean did you see that list?? Even if you wanted to experiment and all, isn't the norm one at a time?? How do you consent to EVERYTHING in one go?? lmao And as for Christian's 'hard list', just how depraved is he to even think of some of the things on that list as considerable options to begin with?? Electrocution and fire?? What are we talking about here exactly?? Is he trying to say someone has asked him to do that before and he decided it was not for him?? What do you do sexually with electrocution?? Fire?? Do I want to know?? 

And just out of curiosity, is it really that enjoyable to get your boobs played with?? (I am genuinely confused). Ana seems to have morphed from a different specie, in my opinion, cause she finds it a little too good to be true.
The time frame in this book is ridiculous. After a week, Ana is going on about wanting more and etc....five weeks latter, he proposes and they lived happily ever after. At what point does reality step in?? I mean he is/was a Dom for crying out loud, one week can't be enough time to change all that I would think. Unless he wsn't as die hard as we all feared. 

Nevertheless, after knowing a man for 20 seconds, I think it is outrageous, down right rude and narcissistic of you to up and ask him to get rid of his lifestyle and give you 'more'. I mean all he wanted - as per the contract - was 3 months in the hay (I love that arrangement btw. 3 months and then we review if you were good enough in bed and etc.)

While I found the new discovery of love and other things most adorable, it gets to a point where you are like 'get a room please' and want to haul the book at the wall. The third book especially, is like being trapped in a room with a couple of sickly-in-love newlyweds, for no apparent reason - as I have stated above. 

It's exasperating to read 'I love you' every two lines, they have the same fights over and over, make up the same way over and over, basically, the story becomes a drag. That feeling you get when 'you are constantly forced to be the third wheel when your really good friend gets a boy friend and insists you all hang out together cause she feels you would be lonely otherwise' comes to mind. 

Then there is the fact that Ana feels the need to cry every time she thinks about the 'love' she has for Christian. Seriously. Once is adorable. Twice, mm ok cute. Three times, get your shit together please. If the love overwhelms you so much, then please by all means kill yourself and let us all be spared. 

It would also be nice to get some things left to my imagination - as per feelings. There is no reason for her to voice EVERY single thing she feels/express it all. It makes the book read like eating a very unhealthy bowl of sugar syrup. Puke sweet. 
As for the words 'Oh (insert name here), I think I've heard/read enough to last a long time. Do people really talk like that?? Really!?!? 'Oh Ana', 'Oh Christian'....(death by hanging). Ana is the worst when it comes to all this mushiness - between her sudden waterworks  sessions and her need to over-romanticize and analyze everything where he is concerned - and I thought I over think things. Hearts and flowers really is the definition for her. 

Also, her lack of understanding for modern technology is quite preposterous. For instance, in the 21st century, there can't be one person out there who, does not have an email address - and is a college student. Even if you'd rather write letters or send an owl, I am pretty sure the school expects students to have a school email address. So why was Ana perplexed when she was informed she had an email address (which should have had the word 'new' attached)?? Is it such a shocking occurrence?? 

Now, just how hard is it to get used to being rich?? I mean it's not that she, Ana, was broke before they met or dirt poor, so why, pray tell, is she always borderline depressed when it comes to 'their' money?? Yes you are from a humble background and etc but there's a limit. Plus what's with the constant 'it's over the top', 'how much was it' et al when it comes to presents?? Did she ever hear of the words 'graciously accept'?? After a while, I was sure she was just faking. Its ok to gasp when you see the price tags on things - which by the way, aren't you expected to take the price tags off when you give people presents?? Why, for instance, was her entire walk in closet still price taged?? Since he has no regard for money (has more money than sense - only sentence I loved), shouldn't be a problem if she didn't want the clothes. They could have donated it or something). 
I digress. 
As I was ranting, its ok to gasp when you see the price tags, but after dating the guy for all of 30 seconds, and he tells you he earns $100,000 per hour (erm what by the way?!?!?), you're just being unnecessarily dramatic, and a borderline if you continue to complain about him spending money. Crying 'woe is me, woe is me. My boyfriend is a mega-zillionaire and likes to spend his money on me' on the streets is liable to get you shot, revived, drowned, revived and then buried alive. 
Stop with the attention seeking please, its just unladylike.  

I think the spectacular thing is that Christian stayed true to character - fkd up till the very end. That at least was the most realistic aspect for mi.
Random thought, grammer check, an editor and a kind truthful friend would have gone a long way in the betterment of this tale. I didn't want to admit it, but I can see where the 'its a book about sex' comes from. Rather than a story with a lot of porn in it, its incredulous porn with a storyline instead. Thats probably why the scenes and conversation are so unbelievable.

Also random, what the hell is the 'great room'?? I got the names for most of the other locations in the house, but great room?? Why??

I could go on, but I think basically, what I have been trying to say is, I could have lived my life happily without reading this Trilogy and been just fine. For those wondering, if I didn't have OCD, I would not have been compelled to get to the last page....it was a headache trying to do otherwise. Once I start something, I have to finish it. 
Next time though, I shall be sticking to my instincts Thank you very much. I will not pick up a book just cause it was recommended. 

50 Shades and Other Colors: Rated R (1)

*Spoiler Alert

Yes, I succumbed, for lack of a better word, to the pressures of the world around mi, and finally read the 50 Shades Trilogy. As my usual outlet for frustration declared that she wants nothing to do with this, I am left with this avenue as my only offloading site. To keep this from becoming a long monological rant, I'd try my best to summarize. Right then, lets have some fun. 

Shocked, dumbfounded, bewildered, exasperated, irate.... and other similar adjectives come to mind when I think of the first book. My common sense and logic were assaulted off the bat. Needless to say, the first book was a huge test on my sanity, patience and morality. I think it is quite unrealistic how easily Ana accepted the entire proposal though. I mean for someone who had ABSOLUTELY no experience/interest in men, she managed to fall head over for the most extreme guy in the entire North American continent and in such a short time!! 

Then, I am nowhere near a veteran on the whole sex thing, but is it actually realistic to go at it like 12 times in a day, at the very vigorous rate, and have as many orgasms as they seem to!?!?  I'm almost sure rabbits, with their Guinness book of records rate of reproduction, won't beat this. And quite frankly, it gets boring. After the first two, I started skipping scenes. It became an 'ok ya, I get it, lets move on'. 

Some of the scenes/positions were just impossible to visualize. I'm a very visual person, so if I read something like 'he throws me over his knee, puts his legs over mi, shifts mi to the side then...' (paraphrasing horribly here), the image that comes to mind is far from sexy, comfortable or....you get the picture. There are some parts where I sit and try to stick figure the scene in my head just so I get a general idea of what the heck is meant to be happening - and I can't. Take the piano scene for instance (wrong book but just making a point), how exactly was that scene played out?? my understanding of a piano doesn't allow for all that movement and effortless sliding. And where does the satin come from?? It would have been helpful if real people were used to practice these many imaginative positions, just to make sure the human body can actually contort and stay in said forms.

And wtf was that whole tampon scene?? Right after the word 'tampon' came into view, I skipped to the next chapter. There really is such a thing as too much freaking information - even in a book. Please stop, just nasty. We understand that Christian has reached beyond the bottom of depravity when it comes to his sexual prowess, but that chapter was very unnecessary in reemphasizing said point. 

Though I think she could have wrapped the entire story up nicely into one book, the second story comes closest to the word interesting. There is the build up for the reason behind his wondrously fkd up self, Kate finding out about her best friend going from virgin to professional whore in less than 16 days, and all the meant to be juicy stuff to come. Unfortunately, my joy was rudely snipped shot by the very anti-climatic way everything went down. 

His reason for being 'Fifty Shades of Fucked Up' as he so eloquently put it, was because his mum was a crack whore - I use said term because Christian made it a point to only call her that for three books straight - who let her pimps beat him as they saw fit, died and whose body was not discovered for 4 days - with him locked in the same room. Granted, thats pretty messed up, but for all the build up, that was quite the let down. Don't get mi wrong, thats a pretty fkd up start to life, but the way the story is told and with the anticipation, you get an 'and then' felling....like there ought to be more to it than just that. Did he get sold?? One of the pimps tried to do something to him?? Idk, something....

Then the gorgeous Kate. 
One of the few times there is a need for some apt reaction, E.L James simply stops, making the scene oh so anticlimactic.When Kate found the contract, her reaction has to be the most half-baked portrayal of shock/anger I have ever read. I mean I don't know about other people, but if I find out my best friend, who has had no interest/experience in men, is suddenly seeing some guy who requires her to sign a contract - the likes of Christian's - I would have more than 'two sentences' to say about the issue. 
She could have used that opportunity to smack some sense into Ana, do us all a world of good. 

As long as this book isn't nominated for some Nobel prize or literary award....I guess there is still some shred of home left....

....Intermission....

Freaky Tales

Death and Sex.

Thats all I seem to think about these days. A rather peculiar, albeit, dangerous combination, I know. Its not like I plan to think about them...it....the thought(s) just pop up randomly. Sometimes in the same scene, other times, separately. Would be so nice to talk to someone about the crap occurring in my head. I can't though. So terrified that I'd get locked up if words gets out lol. And the only person I would have been able to talk to....well the laws of 'x and o's state that I cannot burden said person any longer. 

Ahhhh.

It's not that I can't go on without it, I can. It's also not that I won't survive without it, I will.

But life seems a lot nicer with someone else involved, no??

Dear Diary: Fin

I actually almost cried writing this....lol. Emotional due to lack of sleep maybe?? haha. 

I know I was his first love.

Its funny though, all this realization happening years later. 

Until recently, I had forgotten what it really meant. 

People say when it happens, it happens and etc. I'm like, what? 

Laughing now as I recall, cause all the 'they says' about love are true.

I remember the first time we met. Sometime between 8pm and 9pm. Not too close to 9 cause there would have been more people out. But not before 8 because there would have been more adults out. I don't remember the actual time though, cause I didn't have a watch on. I wanted some water, and he was coming down for something too. We didn't say a word to each other, just smiled and kept on with our business. 

The next day we met once more, at the same place, between 8 and 9pm. This time, we had some silly conversation about the water and being out at that time and getting in trouble. After that, we met everyday, like clock work. I told my friends about this older guy I met who talked to mi often. It was a big thing for mi. Guys hardly used to talk to mi then, with a smile, for fun. 

I didn't realize how much I talked about him or how much better talking to him made mi feel, till I had a bad day. I lost a competition and I felt so down. It was the one thing I had every year. The one thing I was good at, the one thing people smiled at mi for. It broke my heart to loose it. My friends tried all they could but I would not smile. They all decided only he could make mi feel better.

So they sent someone to go get him. And he came!! 

I can't tell you for sure if I was happier or more surprised when I saw him. I didn't think he would actually come. Everyone till him had run or turned sour, but he actually came. It must have been a little scary, if I think back, because the possibility that some guy actually cared about mi for mi was too bizarre then to consider. 

When it comes to scenes and their details, what people say to mi and the situations, I have a photographic memory. But on this day, we walked around the little city and talked for hours. But I cannot tell you what we talked about. I know the path we took - across the hall from one set of stairs (where he met mi), to the other. He got mi to stop crying first (I remember leaning against him when he came - must have been nuts >< to do that - and he let mi!! I think I was sure he was an alien then!!). 

Then we went down the stairs, toured the science complex next door, the building across, then somehow ended up back at the bottom of the original stairs, singing with my friends. He had never hung out with my friends, but we were all singing and talking and laughing. We even got him to sing (everyone said he should to make mi feel better....again he did - I was still unsure of his earthling status. lol). 

I can't remember what we talked about that day, but I know I was smiling. I don't know what I was thinking back then, but I can guess it must have been 'It's so warm and bright where he is'. 

Every time I spent with him, I spent laughing. I, unfairly, asked him recently, to tell mi about fond memories, knowing fully well I won't be able to answer if he asked mi back. Every time we spent together was a fun memory, an escape from my real world. He made mi happy. But even better, he made mi believe I had a right to be happy. 

But if I must, my fond memory is the same scene which played over and over. We never planned it, but we always ended up going to the movies together. When we meet, he would lace his fingers with mine - I was sure he had a hand fetish >< - and we would walk to the movies together. Then sometimes (most times lol), he would put his arm around my shoulder and still hold my hand - see, hand fetish haha. I can't tell you what we talked about, but I know I was always laughing. Always smiling, always happy. Then I thought I felt warm. Now, I know I felt loved. 

Don't get mi wrong, the hell I was living in never changed. I just never let him see it. I was happy and there was no reason to merge the two. He was so bright, the thought of tainting him with the madness that was my world was just obscene. More for my selfishness I think. I was probably afraid he would leave mi when he saw mi from their eyes. 

You might be wondering, 'what happened then?' Well I guess distance and time and experiences separated us. Don't get mi wrong, we are still excellent friends. He still makes mi laugh and I still don't know how we spend hours talking on end and not know what we are talking about. But now, he is a friend. Then he was my savior. The only light in my life. I needed him, almost to the level of a basic necessity. But I didn't dare think or believe there was anything between us. I couldn't even admit it to myself, let alone him or anyone else, that I had anything besides friendly feelings for him because, the mi then, I was sure he would take flight - like all before him. The idea of loosing him simply because I couldn't be content was unfathomable to mi. And since he was not going to say a thing, it worked out perfectly imperfectly. 

Now though, I can breathe. Now I don't need him to happy. Some might say thats harsh, but you have no idea what sort of burden it would be on a person if you were the only reason for another person's smile. Luckily, he had no idea he was my savior then, or that I depended on him so much or about the burden on his shoulders. But saved mi he did. Now I don't need him to be happy, but I need him as a friend. At some point, as I grew and let go, he gradually dropped from 'savior' status, to human, where he belonged. 

I often laugh and tell him we were star crossed lovers, but we've both agreed to say we once dated. He wishes he could go back in time and relive it, he says he misses those days. Mi, if I could in a different life I would. But if I was to relive it in this life, I would not. Because what was a daily life to him, was a little bit of heaven in hell to mi. Now who wants to ever relive hell?? See why I say star-crossed lovers?? 

But now, looking back, I can tell he was my first love. I loved him a lot more than my little head could accept or ever know then. He didn't know this before, but reading this, he probably knows it now. haha

We were little sweethearts. We shared the purest love and I can say, with a smile, we enjoyed every minute of it. 

So for creating a world for mi to belong, making mi a part of your life and giving mi friends, memories and something to keep the blades away. For making it possible for mi to have a time from back then when I can only smile as I recall.... I can't thank him enough. 

I keep telling him I want to meet the girl who steals his heart for good and he doesn't understand why. I want to meet her because I know he would love her a hundred times more than he loved mi, and from experience, thats an amazing amount of one of the best kinds of love to have!! I'm almost jealous of her, haha. 

So this is my final diary entry for us. A tale of a first love that flowed into one more everlasting, one of true friends. 

xoxo

Mi and Flowers

Its not that I hate them.

I mean granted, I am yet to find a flower with a scent I find appealing, and I do not want to receive flowers as a present. Despite all this, I do love seeing gardens with beautiful flowers. Yes, I think flowers are beautiful. In their natural state, planted and under the sun. 

Isn't it just too cruel to uproot a plant in order to present it to someone as a gift, only to have it die in a few days?? If you must give someone flowers as a present, how about presenting them in a flower pot?? A present that ends up in the garbage turns out to be a waste. Sure, the thought is what they say counts, but really now....

And for some reason, I get mad at the flowers. I know it makes no sense, and its not their fault they end up being plucked. But still, its like they give up without even trying. Not putting up a fight when they get picked, and then wilting away soon after. They are living things too, so I think or wish they would fight to live more. This is a rather illogical thought of mine, I know, but still, can't help it. 

So while I would not like to get a bouquet of roses (which by the way I can't stand the smell of), I would not mind going to spend a day or a minute at a beautiful flower garden, watch the sun set and know that I can go back there anytime to relieve the memory and watch my 'present'.  

1012 Advanced

I ddi a recap of my blog all night long, as you can tell, my insomnia is still active. Went over the 1012 posts and I noticed one thing, time does heal wounds. 

THe words I used over the years have in deed changed. In the beginning, it was all pain and sadness and tears. But then I noticed, as time went by, I started talking about remembering the good times, smiling, etc. 

I don't think the saying means time would wipe out the wound and make the place new. But it would heal and make it bearable. It healed alright, with a scar. Not the kind that hurts daily, maybe from time to time. But the fact remains, it heals. 

What Have You Done So Far?

Watched a movie today about three old women who saved for most of their life wanting to go to Hawaii, and in the end, lost all the money and never made the trip. 

Then I read an article about a 20 something year old Nigerian girl who set up an air ambulance service in Nigeria. 

All I could think to myself was 'What have you done with your life so far??'

Some people might say I have achieved a lot, but its weird cause I don't feel that way. Maybe because everything with mi seems to start and get completed and then I move on, so I feel like I haven't done anything. I mean I have all these ideas I've thought about but never really put too much thought or effort into....

Partly cause despite being Nigerian, I feel I don't have as much patriotism as a lot of people seem to. The passion to 'go back and change my home land' isn't really burning in mi. A part of mi does feel some what guilty about this. I mean I should have love for my mother land, no?? But at the same time, I cannot say I would go back home to settle and 'make a change' cus I know I won't be happy. Thats the one thing I am sure about. 

I've always been a cat, or a bird or whatever animal you want to call it that loves freedom. Being tied down to one country seems so.... sometimes I wish it was possible to be a citizen of the world. Like does it really matter if the difference I want to make isn't in a specific country?? Does it matter if people don't know about it?? 

I wish I could tell myself it didn't. I think rather than people, I'm the one who feels like.... I guess I just need to.... no, its not that I want to do something big and drastic like change the world or etc, but I would like two things, probably separate from each other - to touch the life of a child or children in a special way, and to start something that would be recognized.... ah, maybe they don't have to be separate after all. 

I always wanted to start up an orphanage for kids. But more than the normal kind. One where they would be taken care of till educational wise as well, with free education all the way to college/technical school. My only problem was where to locate it. People would say in my home country of course, but thats not the only place where orphans are located now is it?? Maybe I can do a house in different country. Have a certain number of kids around the world....like Oprah's children. 

Maybe I can do this, but I'd have to start small. Like adopt a kid for instance.... virtually.....sponsor maybe?? Or get people to sponsor....should I go into child psychology??

Ah, I'd need to look into this more and pray some more.

 For now, I'm tired. I'd drive myself insane keeping myself company for too long, I just know it. 

I do Day

My wedding.

First off, I think I'm thinking about this cause I have a lot of free time and my cousin just got married, but regardless of what I say (and I do say a lot of BS), there are some constants that I must have for my wedding it seems.

1. Location: Nigeria, North.
I don't care if I am marrying someone from Mars, my wedding has to be in Naij. The thought of not having ALL my family members at that wedding is not fathomable. My grandpa, the love of my life, has to be there for one (God willing), my grand ma, cute little thing she is, has to also be there (also God willing). Then my cousins and siblings, whom I believe invented the art of partying, must be there. Lets not get into my aunts and uncles and etc....plus regardless of what people say, you get more love back home at weddings than elsewhere. Other places, there is like a closing time for your wedding. Naij, bless our soul, with our semi-lawlessness in that regard, feel free to party all night or marry all night as the case may be. 

2. Religion: Christian.
This should probably be one, but I'm not writing this in any order. I cannot, for one thing, deal with the drama of explaining to my folks why I have to marry a non-christian, or the future drama of what religion my kids would be, or all the etcs that come with inter-religious weddings. He has to be Christian, no debate there and no gist necessary actually.

3. Theme: Traditional and White.
My wedding shall be about a week long event lol. And yes, it is an event. I wanna have my Spinster's Eve/Bachelor's party (separate pls, none of that joint business. Do your thing, I'd do mine), on one night. Then my traditional weddings - His culture (yes, non-Nigerian if you must know), and my culture (both the Edo and Hausa side....we shall make it mix lol). Thats too much work for one day so two days. Then of course the Church wedding and reception then of course thanksgiving. Its mainly 4 days, but since it would be a lot of work, we'd say trad weddings first - tuesday, wednesday - then break thursday, parties friday, wedding/reception saturday and thanksgiving sunday. 

4. Wedding time: Brief.
I am not getting married on a Sunday, so my wedding SHALL NOT be a Church service. Don't get mi wrong, I love going to church and worship and all that wonderful stuff, but thats what Sunday is for (as well as midweek services). If the wedding is more than 1 hour, max 1 hr 30, there is a problem. I went to wedding once where it seemed like the wedding was just a part of the church service, kinda how you do thanksgivings. Nope, not for mi. 

More to come....

ONE HUNDRED TRUTHS ABOUT ME

Saw this on a friend's blog and decided it should be fun. Not particularly busy at the moment so what harm would it be?? hehe. 

LASTS

1. Last drink:

Water

2. Last phone call:

Friend from work

3. Last text message:

Friend from long before.

4. Last song you listened to:

Malogede, Timaya ft Terry G

5. Last time you cried:

Been a while, thankfully

 SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice:

Yes

7. Been cheated on:

Yes technically

8. Kissed someone:

Yes

9. Lost someone special:

Yes… too many to count

10. Been depressed:

lol spent most of my teenage years in this alley, now not so much thank God.

11. Been drunk and threw up:

Mmmm.....nope but close

 LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLOURS:

12. Black
13. Purple
14. Blue
15. Peach

HAVE YOU:

16. Made new friends:

Yes, I move a lot so kinda need to

17. Fallen out of love:

Nope

18. Laughed until you cried:

Yes

19. Met someone who changed you:

Can't say I have

20. Found out who your true friends were:

Yes, I've always known.

21. Found out someone was talking about you:

Yep, it hurt like hell then, but if I find out now, lol idcare.

22. Kissed anyone on your friends list:

Yes. ><

23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life:

A number of them actually!!

25. Do you have any pets:

Nooo but I want a kitty-kat so bad!!!!

26. Do you want to change your name:

Lol why ever?? Thats the cutest thing about mi plus it personifies who I have always been... to a fault lol.

27. What did you do for your last birthday:

Had an amazing day with my mum, brother and friends.

28. What time did you wake up today:

Officially 1pm. >< (I'm off today). 

29. What were you doing at midnight last night:

Talking to a friend on skype.

30. Name something you CANNOT wait for:

Settle down-ish.

31. Last time you saw your father:

Christmas in England, 2011. Been too long!!!!

32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life:

My obsession about my weight and how I view myself/think others view mi sometimes. Also my innate desire to please all. 

33. What are you listening to right now:

The silence.

34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:

Too many, I even have a cousin named Tom.

35. What’s getting on your nerves right now?:

My boredom.

36. Most visited webpage:

Mangago.Its always on my tab.

37. Current city:

Chiba, Japan

38. Nicknames:

Baby, Babygirl (mainly family), Babe (only one person calls mi this haha), Mi, Mi-chan, sometimes AiMi....I refuse to go back in time for others. 

39. Relationship Status:

Single and needing a change. Kinda bored of it. 

40. Zodiac Sign:

Capricon

41. Male or female or transgendered:

So female. I wished to be Male at some point, don't know what I was thinking lol

42. Primary School:

International Unity School. 

43. Middle School:

Still unsure what school 

44. High school:

Loyola Jesuit College (ugh, this place)

45. Hair color:

Black

47. Height:

5'1 (I like to think its 5'2 but my best friend would vehemently disagree so). 

48. Do you have a crush on someone:

Right now? Nope.

49: What do you like about yourself:

My tenacity when it comes to something I love, my love of languages, the fact that I am immensely loved by God (Even when I clearly don't deserve it), my family, my dad and mum (yup, separate entities), my brother....gosh I actually do love quite a lot about myself contrary to past tales.

50. Piercings: Ears and belly

51. Tattoos:

....

52. Righty or Lefty:

Both but writing with my right hand....everything else I tend to do with my left.

FIRSTS:

53. First Surgery:

This year.

54. First Piercing:

Ears, when I was born I think.

55. First Best Friend:

Tolu Kehinde....haha we were so adorable then.

56. First Sport you Joined:

Sport? Whats that? lol. I think track team in Loyola lol. 

57. First Pet:

Some dog my family owned (as you can tell, I'm not a big fan of the canine breed)

58. First Vacation:

Inside Nigeria – To Kagoma, Outside - England

59. First Concert:

Never been. The idea of all those people in one room scares the crap out of mi. Also, I don't know if I'd want to pay to go see someone sing live, I tend to not like every song a celebrity sings so.... (I bought a concert video once and before it was half way done I was bored....so I guess I'm not a concerty person). 

60. First Crush:

Feyi Kehinde (Oh how he would love this haha). 

RIGHT NOW:

61. Eating:

Nothing. Need to fix that

62. Drinking:

Nothing

63. Already missing:

My friends and family

64. I’m about to:

Shower and study for the GRE

65. Listening to:

My Japanese neighbors talking through the VERY thin walls of my house.

66. Thinking about:

Best way to speed up my Korean learning.

67. Waiting for:

My posting

YOUR FUTURE:

68. Want kids:

Yup. 2 born, 2 adopted....still iffy if I want a girl in that mix. Maybe one. 

69. Want to get married:

Yup. But I don't know if I'd ever find the guy who can accomodate all my crazies and has the right cultural mix lol.

70. Careers in mind:

Forensic Psychologist (Dr). Already one but need the PhD to get the Dr part. 

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

71. Lips or eyes:

Eyes....lips....I guess eyes more cus, though I can't stand ugly lips.

72. Hugs or kisses:

Can't I have both??

73. Shorter or taller:

Taller.

74. Older or Younger:

I don’t mind either but I’ve never dated younger. Younger would have to be max a yr though. Can't have someone either of my brother's ages....scratch that, Older only lol. 

75. Romantic or spontaneous:

Romantically spontaneous. I like romance but I don't want to be acting some chic flick all the same. 

76. Nice stomach or nice arms:

Nice stomach. I'm not doing anything with the arms....lol 

77. Sensitive or loud:

I'm both loud and sensitive I think so not sure....unless I don't understand the question.

78. Hook-up or relationship:

Relationship. Hook-ups are a chore.

79. Trouble maker or hesitant:

Trouble maker. I'm hesitant, we can't have two of those.

HAVE YOU EVER:

81. Drank hard liquor:

Lmao, is there any other kind??

82. Lost glasses/contacts:

Glasses, once I believe.

83. Kissed on 1st date:

Nope. 

84: Broken someone’s heart:

Once. He didn't speak to mi for a year afterwards!! Brutal!!

85. Had your own heart broken:

Yea once, and it was the worst feeling ever.

86. Been arrested:

Nope. My father would disown mi speedily and I would automatically become poor among other things. I wasn't built for poverty and lovelessness. lol. 

87. Turned someone down:

Yes! With more I should have. 

88. Cried when someone died:

Last time I cried when someone died was the plane crash. After that, each time seems like something out there....kind of detached. Scary really. 

89. Liked a friend that is of the same sex:

Nope, but I won't be all that shocked if it happened. 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself:

Ya. I try to more and more daily.

91. Miracles:

All the time. My life is a testimony.

92. Love at first sight:

Whats that??

93. Heaven:

Ya I have to. There are people whose deaths made no sense to mi and my only consolation was that they would be in Heaven and I can see them again if I do well with Christ. Take that away and life becomes purposeless. Also, there are people who were designed for Hell and it won't be fair for them to end up in the same place as others if there is no Heaven....

94. Santa Claus:

Lol, even as a kid I didn't. 

95. Kissing on the first date:

If it happens, sure. 

96. Angels:

Ya, but not the Hollywood version. 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now?:

I haven't met him yet.

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?:

Nope.

99. Wish you could change things in your past?:

Ya a lot, oh wow quite a lot.

100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths?:

Yep

Well that was fun. It even took my mind off what I initially wanted to write about haha. Now off to shower, eat then study....not necessarily in that order.