Sometimes

It's been a couple of weeks in Cali, well maybe 2 weeks. While I've found readjusting into the school system (the other end of it) a slightly troubling but fun experience, its the loss of complete independence that I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Coming from living alone, paying my way and getting to places on my own, to having to rely on someone for everything is unsettling. I can't live alone right now cause it's not financially feasible. I can't have a job right now cause there aren't any available to fit my time schedule. I can't go around on my own yet because driving is still a bit dicy for mi.
It's frustrating knowing that I have to ask, and essentially bother, someone else in order to get the necessary things done. I understand that they don't necessarily think that way, but I can't rationally help thinking the way I do. Makes mi wonder if it's because I feel that way (deep down) when people ask mi for help constantly, but then I know this isn't the case. I know, for a fact, that I don't think that way. But why I can't believe others are the same is beyond mi.
Academically, I'm fine. I mean I'm not an idiot. I understand that I need help there when I need it. But it's in other ways.
Like today. I bought a printer. My housemate has two printers in her room. She told mi I could use it anytime I wanted, and even offered mi the option of downloading the CD to my laptop so I can use it whenever. But I bought a printer.
It's not that I didn't trust her offer. It's just....well for one I have the 3 strikes thing. I asked her to help mi print somethings and she forgot. I know it wasn't intentional, but then I feel bad re-asking. So I don't get the things printed, and I loose out. I also don't know what the 'printing page limit' is. Or if I contribute to buying the ink....see how far my train of thought has gone?? I'm not generally that way with people I've known for 6 years and up (at least I like to think so), but it's getting to that time that is work. But then there are some people I feel I won't ever get that way with....
I think the most terrifying thing to mi or rather the hardest thing for mi is not having a job, and having to feel guilty for spending money all over again. Japan cured mi of that. I earned the money and I spent it. I also learned how to budget and things of that nature. Here, it's like a yo-yo diet. I spend money, feel guilty, starve myself of the money, then crash and spend crazy. It's a never ending cycle of insanity.
I want to get the library job. I think I can be really good if I do....or a job of similar nature....
My school does require 16hrs of therapy before the 3rd year. Maybe I can ask my therapist. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to create things to talk about with them.
Anyway I've got assignments to do and papers to write....wrong day for feeling sad....

He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo

Dear Diary: Fin

I actually almost cried writing this....lol. Emotional due to lack of sleep maybe?? haha. 

I know I was his first love.

Its funny though, all this realization happening years later. 

Until recently, I had forgotten what it really meant. 

People say when it happens, it happens and etc. I'm like, what? 

Laughing now as I recall, cause all the 'they says' about love are true.

I remember the first time we met. Sometime between 8pm and 9pm. Not too close to 9 cause there would have been more people out. But not before 8 because there would have been more adults out. I don't remember the actual time though, cause I didn't have a watch on. I wanted some water, and he was coming down for something too. We didn't say a word to each other, just smiled and kept on with our business. 

The next day we met once more, at the same place, between 8 and 9pm. This time, we had some silly conversation about the water and being out at that time and getting in trouble. After that, we met everyday, like clock work. I told my friends about this older guy I met who talked to mi often. It was a big thing for mi. Guys hardly used to talk to mi then, with a smile, for fun. 

I didn't realize how much I talked about him or how much better talking to him made mi feel, till I had a bad day. I lost a competition and I felt so down. It was the one thing I had every year. The one thing I was good at, the one thing people smiled at mi for. It broke my heart to loose it. My friends tried all they could but I would not smile. They all decided only he could make mi feel better.

So they sent someone to go get him. And he came!! 

I can't tell you for sure if I was happier or more surprised when I saw him. I didn't think he would actually come. Everyone till him had run or turned sour, but he actually came. It must have been a little scary, if I think back, because the possibility that some guy actually cared about mi for mi was too bizarre then to consider. 

When it comes to scenes and their details, what people say to mi and the situations, I have a photographic memory. But on this day, we walked around the little city and talked for hours. But I cannot tell you what we talked about. I know the path we took - across the hall from one set of stairs (where he met mi), to the other. He got mi to stop crying first (I remember leaning against him when he came - must have been nuts >< to do that - and he let mi!! I think I was sure he was an alien then!!). 

Then we went down the stairs, toured the science complex next door, the building across, then somehow ended up back at the bottom of the original stairs, singing with my friends. He had never hung out with my friends, but we were all singing and talking and laughing. We even got him to sing (everyone said he should to make mi feel better....again he did - I was still unsure of his earthling status. lol). 

I can't remember what we talked about that day, but I know I was smiling. I don't know what I was thinking back then, but I can guess it must have been 'It's so warm and bright where he is'. 

Every time I spent with him, I spent laughing. I, unfairly, asked him recently, to tell mi about fond memories, knowing fully well I won't be able to answer if he asked mi back. Every time we spent together was a fun memory, an escape from my real world. He made mi happy. But even better, he made mi believe I had a right to be happy. 

But if I must, my fond memory is the same scene which played over and over. We never planned it, but we always ended up going to the movies together. When we meet, he would lace his fingers with mine - I was sure he had a hand fetish >< - and we would walk to the movies together. Then sometimes (most times lol), he would put his arm around my shoulder and still hold my hand - see, hand fetish haha. I can't tell you what we talked about, but I know I was always laughing. Always smiling, always happy. Then I thought I felt warm. Now, I know I felt loved. 

Don't get mi wrong, the hell I was living in never changed. I just never let him see it. I was happy and there was no reason to merge the two. He was so bright, the thought of tainting him with the madness that was my world was just obscene. More for my selfishness I think. I was probably afraid he would leave mi when he saw mi from their eyes. 

You might be wondering, 'what happened then?' Well I guess distance and time and experiences separated us. Don't get mi wrong, we are still excellent friends. He still makes mi laugh and I still don't know how we spend hours talking on end and not know what we are talking about. But now, he is a friend. Then he was my savior. The only light in my life. I needed him, almost to the level of a basic necessity. But I didn't dare think or believe there was anything between us. I couldn't even admit it to myself, let alone him or anyone else, that I had anything besides friendly feelings for him because, the mi then, I was sure he would take flight - like all before him. The idea of loosing him simply because I couldn't be content was unfathomable to mi. And since he was not going to say a thing, it worked out perfectly imperfectly. 

Now though, I can breathe. Now I don't need him to happy. Some might say thats harsh, but you have no idea what sort of burden it would be on a person if you were the only reason for another person's smile. Luckily, he had no idea he was my savior then, or that I depended on him so much or about the burden on his shoulders. But saved mi he did. Now I don't need him to be happy, but I need him as a friend. At some point, as I grew and let go, he gradually dropped from 'savior' status, to human, where he belonged. 

I often laugh and tell him we were star crossed lovers, but we've both agreed to say we once dated. He wishes he could go back in time and relive it, he says he misses those days. Mi, if I could in a different life I would. But if I was to relive it in this life, I would not. Because what was a daily life to him, was a little bit of heaven in hell to mi. Now who wants to ever relive hell?? See why I say star-crossed lovers?? 

But now, looking back, I can tell he was my first love. I loved him a lot more than my little head could accept or ever know then. He didn't know this before, but reading this, he probably knows it now. haha

We were little sweethearts. We shared the purest love and I can say, with a smile, we enjoyed every minute of it. 

So for creating a world for mi to belong, making mi a part of your life and giving mi friends, memories and something to keep the blades away. For making it possible for mi to have a time from back then when I can only smile as I recall.... I can't thank him enough. 

I keep telling him I want to meet the girl who steals his heart for good and he doesn't understand why. I want to meet her because I know he would love her a hundred times more than he loved mi, and from experience, thats an amazing amount of one of the best kinds of love to have!! I'm almost jealous of her, haha. 

So this is my final diary entry for us. A tale of a first love that flowed into one more everlasting, one of true friends. 

xoxo