Overdose

Intoxicating.
Suffocating.
Addicting.
Obsessive.
Consuming.

My drug.
Drowning,
Yet I crave for more.
It sucks me in.

Down.
Deeper.
Lower.
Deeper.
Higher.

My desire.
Yearning,
Yet it eludes me.
The coy mistress.

Love.

If Tomorrow Never Comes....

"I'll call you tomorrow", he said. 

"I'll see you tomorrow", she said. 

"I'll be there tomorrow", he said. 

"I'll love you tomorrow", she said.

"I'll love you tomorrow", she said. 

But she's with another today. 

But she's smiling for another today. 

But she's in a dress for another today. 

But she loves another today. 

And tomorrow never comes. 

It's Okay, That's Love (K-Drama)

It's been a while since I've watched a drama series that blew mi away like this did. Secret Garden, I thought nothing could top, but Jo In Sung shii's performance in this drama completely floored me. From start till end, everything about his performance was beautiful. I wish I could write him a letter to tell him how awesome his acting was. Be it the switch in emotions, the portrayal of the disease, his ability to make you empathize, empathize and embrace the character was spectacular. 

Gong Hyo Jin shii was beautiful as always. I loved her in Master's son, but she dazzled here as well. I want to be like Ji Hye Soo when I grow up. She was a beautiful doctor. She found the line between business and personal, and walked it awesomely. Of course there were some ethical affairs in that he probably should have been sent to another hospital, but at the same time, I think no one but Hye Soo could have pulled off the treatment that Jang Jae Yeol (Jo In Sung's character) needed. And Hyo Jin shii was the perfect actress for the role. I didn't appreciate her wardrobe, but I got over it with the amazing acting. 

IOTL got mi believing in all sorts of things - miracles, soul mates, friends, love, relationships, etc. again. Off to go find other things my new found oppas and unnis have been in to watch. 
KDrama creates a fairytale life for mi, I'm afraid I'd keep running from reality at this rate.

He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo

Let the Little Children Come....

Most beautiful thing I've watched all day (link below). The only people on earth that deserve 100% happiness are babies in my opinion, because they alone can claim absolute innocence. They are too pure and beautiful to begin their lives tainted by the sting of abandonment. 

Definitely opening an orphanage some day. As soon as I can find a way to get an international location.... or just work for an international organization. That way, I get to help around the world, as I consider myself a citizen of earth.

Ok time for bed.... 

xo

The Drop Box (For babies)

Dear Diary: Fin

I actually almost cried writing this....lol. Emotional due to lack of sleep maybe?? haha. 

I know I was his first love.

Its funny though, all this realization happening years later. 

Until recently, I had forgotten what it really meant. 

People say when it happens, it happens and etc. I'm like, what? 

Laughing now as I recall, cause all the 'they says' about love are true.

I remember the first time we met. Sometime between 8pm and 9pm. Not too close to 9 cause there would have been more people out. But not before 8 because there would have been more adults out. I don't remember the actual time though, cause I didn't have a watch on. I wanted some water, and he was coming down for something too. We didn't say a word to each other, just smiled and kept on with our business. 

The next day we met once more, at the same place, between 8 and 9pm. This time, we had some silly conversation about the water and being out at that time and getting in trouble. After that, we met everyday, like clock work. I told my friends about this older guy I met who talked to mi often. It was a big thing for mi. Guys hardly used to talk to mi then, with a smile, for fun. 

I didn't realize how much I talked about him or how much better talking to him made mi feel, till I had a bad day. I lost a competition and I felt so down. It was the one thing I had every year. The one thing I was good at, the one thing people smiled at mi for. It broke my heart to loose it. My friends tried all they could but I would not smile. They all decided only he could make mi feel better.

So they sent someone to go get him. And he came!! 

I can't tell you for sure if I was happier or more surprised when I saw him. I didn't think he would actually come. Everyone till him had run or turned sour, but he actually came. It must have been a little scary, if I think back, because the possibility that some guy actually cared about mi for mi was too bizarre then to consider. 

When it comes to scenes and their details, what people say to mi and the situations, I have a photographic memory. But on this day, we walked around the little city and talked for hours. But I cannot tell you what we talked about. I know the path we took - across the hall from one set of stairs (where he met mi), to the other. He got mi to stop crying first (I remember leaning against him when he came - must have been nuts >< to do that - and he let mi!! I think I was sure he was an alien then!!). 

Then we went down the stairs, toured the science complex next door, the building across, then somehow ended up back at the bottom of the original stairs, singing with my friends. He had never hung out with my friends, but we were all singing and talking and laughing. We even got him to sing (everyone said he should to make mi feel better....again he did - I was still unsure of his earthling status. lol). 

I can't remember what we talked about that day, but I know I was smiling. I don't know what I was thinking back then, but I can guess it must have been 'It's so warm and bright where he is'. 

Every time I spent with him, I spent laughing. I, unfairly, asked him recently, to tell mi about fond memories, knowing fully well I won't be able to answer if he asked mi back. Every time we spent together was a fun memory, an escape from my real world. He made mi happy. But even better, he made mi believe I had a right to be happy. 

But if I must, my fond memory is the same scene which played over and over. We never planned it, but we always ended up going to the movies together. When we meet, he would lace his fingers with mine - I was sure he had a hand fetish >< - and we would walk to the movies together. Then sometimes (most times lol), he would put his arm around my shoulder and still hold my hand - see, hand fetish haha. I can't tell you what we talked about, but I know I was always laughing. Always smiling, always happy. Then I thought I felt warm. Now, I know I felt loved. 

Don't get mi wrong, the hell I was living in never changed. I just never let him see it. I was happy and there was no reason to merge the two. He was so bright, the thought of tainting him with the madness that was my world was just obscene. More for my selfishness I think. I was probably afraid he would leave mi when he saw mi from their eyes. 

You might be wondering, 'what happened then?' Well I guess distance and time and experiences separated us. Don't get mi wrong, we are still excellent friends. He still makes mi laugh and I still don't know how we spend hours talking on end and not know what we are talking about. But now, he is a friend. Then he was my savior. The only light in my life. I needed him, almost to the level of a basic necessity. But I didn't dare think or believe there was anything between us. I couldn't even admit it to myself, let alone him or anyone else, that I had anything besides friendly feelings for him because, the mi then, I was sure he would take flight - like all before him. The idea of loosing him simply because I couldn't be content was unfathomable to mi. And since he was not going to say a thing, it worked out perfectly imperfectly. 

Now though, I can breathe. Now I don't need him to happy. Some might say thats harsh, but you have no idea what sort of burden it would be on a person if you were the only reason for another person's smile. Luckily, he had no idea he was my savior then, or that I depended on him so much or about the burden on his shoulders. But saved mi he did. Now I don't need him to be happy, but I need him as a friend. At some point, as I grew and let go, he gradually dropped from 'savior' status, to human, where he belonged. 

I often laugh and tell him we were star crossed lovers, but we've both agreed to say we once dated. He wishes he could go back in time and relive it, he says he misses those days. Mi, if I could in a different life I would. But if I was to relive it in this life, I would not. Because what was a daily life to him, was a little bit of heaven in hell to mi. Now who wants to ever relive hell?? See why I say star-crossed lovers?? 

But now, looking back, I can tell he was my first love. I loved him a lot more than my little head could accept or ever know then. He didn't know this before, but reading this, he probably knows it now. haha

We were little sweethearts. We shared the purest love and I can say, with a smile, we enjoyed every minute of it. 

So for creating a world for mi to belong, making mi a part of your life and giving mi friends, memories and something to keep the blades away. For making it possible for mi to have a time from back then when I can only smile as I recall.... I can't thank him enough. 

I keep telling him I want to meet the girl who steals his heart for good and he doesn't understand why. I want to meet her because I know he would love her a hundred times more than he loved mi, and from experience, thats an amazing amount of one of the best kinds of love to have!! I'm almost jealous of her, haha. 

So this is my final diary entry for us. A tale of a first love that flowed into one more everlasting, one of true friends. 

xoxo

The Bridge

The tale of the bridge.

A magnificent creature is the bridge.

Standing tall in the open space. The bridge is all that links both sides together. The bridge brings unity, it brings harmony, it makes them one. 

A powerful creature is the bridge. 

The bridge knows both sides independently.  And understands that together, they make a perfect pair, working together, becoming one. 

A unique creature is the bridge.

The bridge moves, and the harmony is gone. Everything falls out of place, the perfect pair stop working, they no longer are one.

A lonely creature is the bridge. 

Stands solo between both halves. When the bridge moves, alone it goes, the perfect pair go back to living their independent lives, no more one.

Alone again, the bridge is. 

A Mile In Her Shoes

Last week, I had a surgical procedure done. 

The entire experience, from the preparation, to the day, to the actual event and the afterwards have been quite interesting and an eye opener. 

Contrary to what most people may think, I don't feel sorry I had to have the surgery. I am actually glad God gave mi the opportunity to go through this, because it gave mi a chance to get a glimpse into the world my best friend has been living in  for the past 7+ years. 

My best friend was one of two survivors of a plane crash 7 years ago, suffering several 3rd degree burns on her body. Since then, she has been undergoing one surgical procedure after another. Mi and her, being the idiots that we are, laugh and joke each time she has a surgery. 

I tell her 'you know the drill, nothing unnecessary please' (meaning, in our words, have a safe and uncomplicated surgery) and she responds, mostly, 'bye fool'. 

We laugh, I get a drowsy call from her a few hours latter, we laugh some more and thank God she is ok.  She is not herself for a few weeks afterwards, then she is back again and the cycle resumes. Life as we know it.

There has not been any reason for mi to think twice about it, until now. 

Before my surgery, I believe my parents had over 10 prayer sessions with mi, and thats just counting with them alone. From the doctor, to the machines, to the healing, there was nothing that was not prayed about. At some point I almost got scared. It seemed rather easy for a surgery to get complicated, just as easily as it was to be uncomplicated. Just how many scenarios could one possible come up with from one surgery?? Not to mention multiple?? I can't imagine how may prayer sessions my best friend and the family have had over these years. 

Then on the day of the surgery, all was calm. I am usually calm on the d-day before any event, so that didn't bother mi. What bothered mi however, was when I got to the operating room. After leaving my mum. When I laid down on that operating table, stretched my arms out on either side of mi and stared up at the bright lights. I realized one thing. 

I was alone. 

Yes there were doctors and nurses, and the anesthetist too. But I didn't know any of those people. The nearest person I knew was two doors down and away from mi. 

In that second, I felt as if I was laying on a cross and submitting my life to the will of a bunch of strangers. I didn't think about it then, because I was humming a gospel song and that kept mi calm, but now that it is all over, I wonder just how people without God go through that. Who do you talk to when the doors are shut and there is no loved one around anymore?? Who do you talk to you to calm you down when the needle is in your arm and all that stands between you and death or worse is a drop of extra anesthesia?? 

Then I woke up.

I admit it was scary to wake up and realize I had been asleep for over four hours, with no recollection of when I slept, what happened in between and how I got to the new room I woke up in. I didn't think about it then, but thinking back now, for those 4 hours, the only person I knew in that room was God. Anything could have happened. A knife could have gone wrong. It was morning but what if one of the doctors didn't get enough sleep and slipped?? So again, how do people without God do it??

I have always said, to many people, that my best friend is the strongest person I know. That she is the only one I know who could go through what she is going through. But I think I found a new form of respect for her. Because I don't know how she goes through this over and over and over and over, with the same stupid smile I'm used to. I couldn't possible endure the tension and anxiety - not just mine, but those around, more so them - or the pain and discomfort that comes afterwards. 

But one new thing I learned is that she isn't the strongest person I know. Her mother is. Because for those four hours I was asleep with no thought of the future, my mother had to sit outside waiting, for four hours, for the doctor to come out with a yay or nay. All she did for those four hours was pray and cast her anxiety to her God. Now multiply those four hours by hundreds, and you meet my best friend's mum. Just what manner of strength does a woman need to be able to sit through that over, and over, and over and over, with her child, having only faith to hold on to?? 

I ask again, how do people without God do it?? 

But as I said before, I am glad God gave mi the opportunity to have even but a glimpse into her world. The chance to feel even a molecule of a fraction (don't think maths allows that ><) of what she goes through, and for seeing mi through it all successfully. I think its funny when I told her the date for the surgery, she panicked. I laughed because in all these years, she has never panicked. I asked her why she's acting as though surgeries are new to her, and she said 'Mine is a normal thing, but you going through it is different'. Isn't someone who can look at something this major as normal because of the faith she has in her God blessed?? After going through this, I have to ask myself if my faith in God would be strong enough to let mi look at life the way she does?? But God did say He would not give us a cross we cannot bear. 

So I am glad and grateful he gave mi the chance to work at least a mile in her shoes.... and survive :) 

xoxo

....When he doesn't turn....

She stands by the window,
staring out.
It's windy outside, she notices,
'He would be cold' she thinks and smiles. 


She makes a bet with Mi,
a silly one to be honest.
No was an option, she didn't take it,
'If he cares, he'd look', we agree. 


I watch her lean in towards the window,
she touches it lightly.
We both know the outcome, silly bet. 
'Like watching a train wreck' she says and smiles. 


He comes out and pulls his hoody tighter,
she smiles the 'I-told-you-so' smile.
He walks to the parking lot and searches for his car,
she smiles the 'I-knew-it' smile.


He gets in his car and drives off,
she says a quick safety prayer.
I look at her, pained by the sadness in her eyes.
'Its not a win when you're on the same side' I say.


A silly bet,
A silly bet that was. 

Fated Love

    Just watched a Korean movie (won't give the name to avoid spoiling it for those who might see it) that involved two star crossed lovers who, in my opinion, defied fate, and forced themselves together. They started off as both guys, but A couldn't handle the pressure from people and broke it off. B was so distraught, and after a lot of in betweens - involving him joining the army, getting raped several times cause he was super girly - he had a sex change and became woman (the woman that acted as him was too gorgeous by the way). However, a series of murders ensued - involving those who had raped B, and B became the suspect. A, now a cop, began searching for B. When he found him, now her, B turned out to be his current girlfriend. So even now that A and B were okay in the eyes of everyone, they still couldn't be together because B was now a 'murderer' (though whether or not he was the true killer in the end still remains a mystery. The movie ends rather ambiguously, and the jury is still out on that matter). Rather than get caught by the police - B for 'murder' and A for both aiding and abetting and, as it turns out, murder (he killed the last of the rapists) - the two did the ever famous Shinju or 'Lover's Suicide'. 

    I know the story is rather confusing, but its not so complex in the actual film. Anyway, this got mi thinking about the cycle of love. What kind of force, so powerful, it drives one to defy all grounds, including fate, for another?? As both guys, they could not be together because it is 'immoral'. I am not going to comment on the issue of homosexuality before this turns into a verbal war, but I think its so sad they had to be persecuted simply because they chose to 'love' each other. 

Then B went as far as becoming female just to stop the persecution. Fate, however, was not on their side. B had to have gotten raped prior, and was now the suspect of the murders A was investigating. Once more, in the eyes of society, their 'love' was immoral. And so the two chose to die together. 

    It seemed to mi their 'love' was originally not written in the stars. yet they believed in this 'love' so much so that the chose to die together rather than live apart. So I ask, this force called 'love', why is it worth so much, than one would chose the unknown in death, over an existence save 'love'?? Many people would say I have never been in 'love' so I won't know. Granted I did come close to it once, and that hurt like hell. Why would I then go so far for something that seems to mi, from several indications, to hurt more often than not?? They say when you find 'true love', you are happiest. But from what I've seen, the quest to find 'true love' is like playing the lottery. 99% of the time you don't get lucky, and you get broker and broker as the game goes on. Yet you continue to play in the hope that the next one is the right one. Can't that be classified as a senseless battle??

    Granted, it can be argued that finding 'true love' is a risk, like playing the lottery is a risk, and whats life without risks?? But not all risks are so heart wrenching. Fine, the really good things in life are the onces you have to take the bigger risk for....but at the same time, the damage you get from 'love' seems more deadly than that from other risks, as well as less worth the possible benefit....

But then again, everyone might be right in saying I won't know till I am in the same position.