Is This 'Thoughts Mania'??

I just want someone that's mine. Not romantically in this case. 

But what a selfish request that is, no??

#Diaries of a 'bad' girl trying to become 'human'. 

This is too damn hard. 

xo

Mi

Mi and Flowers

Its not that I hate them.

I mean granted, I am yet to find a flower with a scent I find appealing, and I do not want to receive flowers as a present. Despite all this, I do love seeing gardens with beautiful flowers. Yes, I think flowers are beautiful. In their natural state, planted and under the sun. 

Isn't it just too cruel to uproot a plant in order to present it to someone as a gift, only to have it die in a few days?? If you must give someone flowers as a present, how about presenting them in a flower pot?? A present that ends up in the garbage turns out to be a waste. Sure, the thought is what they say counts, but really now....

And for some reason, I get mad at the flowers. I know it makes no sense, and its not their fault they end up being plucked. But still, its like they give up without even trying. Not putting up a fight when they get picked, and then wilting away soon after. They are living things too, so I think or wish they would fight to live more. This is a rather illogical thought of mine, I know, but still, can't help it. 

So while I would not like to get a bouquet of roses (which by the way I can't stand the smell of), I would not mind going to spend a day or a minute at a beautiful flower garden, watch the sun set and know that I can go back there anytime to relieve the memory and watch my 'present'.  

What Have You Done So Far?

Watched a movie today about three old women who saved for most of their life wanting to go to Hawaii, and in the end, lost all the money and never made the trip. 

Then I read an article about a 20 something year old Nigerian girl who set up an air ambulance service in Nigeria. 

All I could think to myself was 'What have you done with your life so far??'

Some people might say I have achieved a lot, but its weird cause I don't feel that way. Maybe because everything with mi seems to start and get completed and then I move on, so I feel like I haven't done anything. I mean I have all these ideas I've thought about but never really put too much thought or effort into....

Partly cause despite being Nigerian, I feel I don't have as much patriotism as a lot of people seem to. The passion to 'go back and change my home land' isn't really burning in mi. A part of mi does feel some what guilty about this. I mean I should have love for my mother land, no?? But at the same time, I cannot say I would go back home to settle and 'make a change' cus I know I won't be happy. Thats the one thing I am sure about. 

I've always been a cat, or a bird or whatever animal you want to call it that loves freedom. Being tied down to one country seems so.... sometimes I wish it was possible to be a citizen of the world. Like does it really matter if the difference I want to make isn't in a specific country?? Does it matter if people don't know about it?? 

I wish I could tell myself it didn't. I think rather than people, I'm the one who feels like.... I guess I just need to.... no, its not that I want to do something big and drastic like change the world or etc, but I would like two things, probably separate from each other - to touch the life of a child or children in a special way, and to start something that would be recognized.... ah, maybe they don't have to be separate after all. 

I always wanted to start up an orphanage for kids. But more than the normal kind. One where they would be taken care of till educational wise as well, with free education all the way to college/technical school. My only problem was where to locate it. People would say in my home country of course, but thats not the only place where orphans are located now is it?? Maybe I can do a house in different country. Have a certain number of kids around the world....like Oprah's children. 

Maybe I can do this, but I'd have to start small. Like adopt a kid for instance.... virtually.....sponsor maybe?? Or get people to sponsor....should I go into child psychology??

Ah, I'd need to look into this more and pray some more.

 For now, I'm tired. I'd drive myself insane keeping myself company for too long, I just know it. 

The Bridge

The tale of the bridge.

A magnificent creature is the bridge.

Standing tall in the open space. The bridge is all that links both sides together. The bridge brings unity, it brings harmony, it makes them one. 

A powerful creature is the bridge. 

The bridge knows both sides independently.  And understands that together, they make a perfect pair, working together, becoming one. 

A unique creature is the bridge.

The bridge moves, and the harmony is gone. Everything falls out of place, the perfect pair stop working, they no longer are one.

A lonely creature is the bridge. 

Stands solo between both halves. When the bridge moves, alone it goes, the perfect pair go back to living their independent lives, no more one.

Alone again, the bridge is. 

I Often Miss Him

Some days I miss him.
I miss his smile, 
I miss his laughter.
I miss the way his eyes light up when he finds something funny.
Its funny though; I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his voice,
I miss his words.
I miss how he gets amused when he irritates mi.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his eyes,
I miss his face.
I miss the way his eyes twinkle for no reason at times.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss the laughter,
I miss the arguments.
I miss the bikker and random comments that go for days on end.
Its funny though; I never had him, though some days, I wish I had. 

Can I Be For A Min

Can I be sad for a minute and cry??

Nope; I told you so.

Can I feel bad for myself for just a little bit??

Nope; it would help no one.

Can I talk for a minute and unburden??

Nope; it becomes impossible to press-down.

Can I crawl under my blanket, with headphones and block it all away??

Nope; this is your reality.

Is it so much to ask that I get a reciprocal??

Yes, the world can’t be fair.

Is it so difficult to get a shoulder for a bit??

Yes, you currently can’t afford it.

Is it bad that I want to be…. so scared I cant even ask it….

Yes, must do you first.

Is it such a horrible thing when I let myself out??
Yes, you currently aren’t worth it.

Won’t it be nice to not have to say I knew it all the time??

Just as nice as it would be to predict the future.

Won’t it be nice to not have to feel this déjà vu only with an actual past always??

Just as nice as it would be to change the past.

Won’t it be nice to not have to fight the nausea constantly, unsure if its at the thought of self or others??

Just as nice as it would be to look in the mirror unforced.

Won’t it be nice to be a little secure, at least even before anything happens??

Just as nice as it would be to be free.

Is it bad to not want this constant racing heart??

Nope, but a lottery wish is easier.

Is it bad to not want this constant longing too??

Nope, but an addict’s freedom is easier to achieve.

Is it bad to not want to be the ‘no’ option all the time??

Nope, but the ugly duckling seems to have an easier luck.

Is it bad to just have the eye on mi for once, doesn't even have to be first??

Nope, but that's too pathetic for my ego to let you be.

Cages

A wounded cat trapped in a four-walled space,
She runs around, fighting the claustrophobia, trying to pretend she is in the wild.
A wounded cat trapped and cornered,
They surround her, taking more of her freedom, draining more of her air.

Her natural instinct is to run,
Run and go nurse her wounds as she reunites with her freedom.
Trapped and cornered, she has no place to go.
Trapped and cornered, she has only one response.

Her natural instinct is to fight,
Lash out and hurt until her corner becomes a space and her space, freedom.
But it hurts her to fight so won't you set her free??
But it deepens her wound to fight so won't you let her be??

They say its selfish of her to want to be free,
She hurts others by wanting to be free.
But it hurts her to stay and not be free,
It hurts her to stay cornered and not run free.

But they won't let her go,
They won't let her be free,
They won't let her breathe,
So she must remain caged, wounded until one side breaks.

The Mother

Just watched this Korean movie (yes I do that a lot these days, moving on) based on the story of the Korean Serial Killer Yoo Young Cheol. Overlooking the fact the case was all levels of disturbing, I'd focus on the fictional aspect in the movie. His last victim was a prostitue who, despite being tied up and had received a blow to her head, escaped from the house and tried to get help. In all this, I was amazed by her strength - the strength of a mother. Obviously no one wants to die, but still in all she went through, the only thing she kept thinking about was her daughter alone in the house. 

Mothers are amazing. I mean that goes without saying. But the bond and protective nature of a mother truly amazes mi. Like the wild cats, their natural instinct is to protect their young with a vengeance like no other.  No matter how strong the opponent is, when it comes to keeping her young safe, a mother would go all out. It is the natural instinct. 

Which is why it truly amazes mi to hear stories about women who harm their children. I mean, how hard must that be for them?? It's hard to do things out of character, not to speak of things against ones nature. I think that might be a reason for the depression most women who hurt their children feel. It's like a right handed person trying to write with his left for whatever reason. It is so hard, and when it cannot be helped, often times painful. It leads to frustration and depression. Why would someone, experiencing all these things, continue to put themselves through it?? 

Is the answer 'I couldn't help myself' really sufficient in this case - where nature is the true opponent??

The Road Not Taken....

Would I be a bad Christian if I say I believe in the existence of an alternate reality? I don't think so. Call it whatever you like: Alternate universe, parallel line, other side of the coin...it doesn't matter. The fact remains, I think, that there is a parallel universe running at the same time ours is. I think it is basically the other story if you had gone the opposite route. Because now, there are always two answers to a question: A or B. Some say there is a C, D and even down to Z, but ultimately, something happens or something does not happen. So there are only two sides.


I play bubble breaker on my phone a lot, and I figured something out. Each time you make a move, it upsets the path of the game and takes you down a different lane. If you undo, you get back to that path and can take a different route, changing the game in yet another direction. So if the original path you took turned out to be unfavorable, then you can turn around and try something else. Wish life were that simple?


Well it could be and it could not be. 
People say I think a lot. But I figured that may only be because we don't have the 'undo' move in reality. Everything is set in stone, and man is yet to find a way to get back and change the path taken. But asume for a second there is an alternate universe. That means there is a you that made the other choice. The fact that that choice exists and you thought about it means there is a script written for that path. If there is a script and the play is in motion, that means there are actors. If there are actors, that means that path was also taken. And since the 'you' you know took the path you took, and both scripts were written for you, is it unreasonable to think the other 'you' took the other path and got a different outcome??

Does that make mi Horrible??

In all my years, I have finally come to realize something. I am not good with distance period. Not just in relationships - boy/girl ish - but in general. With friends, family, humans in general....and I guess that is a bad thing. Its almost like 'out of sight, out of mind'. I guess its because a while back I got accustomed to the philosophy that everyone leaves, and to protect myself from getting hurt, I let them go as they do. Yeah I gather it is totally selfish of mi to do that, but at the same time, isn't everyone selfish in some areas?? Doesn't everyone who tries to protect him/herself have an element of selfishness in them to have that accomplished?? 

The question isn't if I am or am not right now, but if I want to do something about it. 

And my answer is I don't know.

For one thing, a relationship is a two way thing. So if you notice i am pulling away, albeit unintentionally, and you let mi go, doesn't that make my philosophy proven then?? But at the same time, there are those people who do try to keep in touch....but still I feel the relationship slipping away. 

But at the same time, there are those people who I have had a completely long distance relationship with, and we are still fine. So does that mean they are more important to mi?? I'd like to think not....

....Weird huh....

Mi and relationships is like going to see a good movie. Even though you don't want it to, at some point, the movie does come to an end. You walk out with mixed feelings. A little sad it is over, but then you smile as you remember the good moments. And though the movie is over, you will always smile when you think about it. Doesn't that mean the movie is important to you?? Does it make it less important than the series you watch continuously?? No right?? I mean they are both types of 'screen shows' but they are different. 

I dont know, I guess am rambling. Partly cause I thought of a few friends I have not kept in contact with and felt a little guilty. Also partly because I am at a cross road in life and everyone is looking at mi and waiting for mi to make a decision. And I am sitting here wondering if it is okay for mi to be selfish in my decision. I mean in my head I understand, but in my heart, I know I want to be selfish. I guess I learned the hard way already that ultimately, I control my own happiness. Shouldn't it be okay for mi to choose what makes mi happy, despite the fact that others might not like it??

Does that make mi a horrible person??

The Door Way

What would it be like to hold death and life in your hands? To have a person in your arms, as they are dying. One minute they are there, the next minute, gone. The life leaves them while they are still in your arms. 
Do you feel it?? I mean is there a feeling that transcribes the hollowness that just became of that person?? Do you feel the empty shell as it looses its core, like you do when a bottle becomes empty?? Is there a difference in what you see or feel of the person one second while they are alive and the next after death??


If there was a difference, would you want to feel it?? Would you want to tell when the life is gone by the feel or rather remain in a state of unknown?? Granted its pretty obvious when a person dies, they stop breathing. But what else, aside from the heart and breathing, lets you know that life has left the building?? 


Doctors get a chance to come close to this, as they have life and death in their hands. But still, doctors never actually feel the life leave for the most part, right?? They don't hold the patient in their arms through the process of dying, do they?? So technically, they can only speculate. Sure they can tell you the feeling of loosing a patient but thats it, no??


I guess when it comes down to it, what I want to know is what does death feel like, without actually experiencing it of course. Not till I am old BGG at least....What does it feel like at the door. Not to die, but to feel death happening. 

From Corner Shop #1

So at some point, in my mad state I presume, I thought I could run two blogs. Well, I obviously thought wrong seeing as running one and keeping it functioning is already work as it is. So I have decided to merge the two by transferring my posts from the other blog here. That being said, there is only one of such post, thank God. Here is one:

Hello, Hello....
So I glanced at my regular blog today and figured out, years later, that it looked more like a journal than anything else. Which is cool, except my journals tend to be super dark and gloomy. So I wondered, 'what would it be like to write a happy-go-lucky blog for a change??' I should say I am practically doing this because it is a dare and someone, no need to say who, said I couldn't do it. So, this is like an 'in your face' blog more like it. As for the Kawasaki in the background, trust Mi if I can find a way to make it a slide show of different bikes, I would pay tribute to them all. For now, it would remain as is. lol.


What to write about??
For starters, what the heck goes in a happy-go-lucky blog anyway?? I'll have to do some research into that. 
 I would tell a jolly story about my weekend though, since I have not really thought about anything else to write on here.


This weekend, for the first time, I lost an item while 'under the influence' as the adults say. My very fun randomized weekend quickly went to shit in my head Saturday morning, when I realized I returned home with less items than I left with. 
Basically, I misplaced my keys while I was wasted. I must say, that was a new experience for mi. Though my OCD self did remember where the keys were from the start, I still did not get them until today. So from Friday through Tuesday morning, I spent the time freaking out. But rather than really freaking out about the fact that I had no freaking clue what happened to my keys after I locked the door, I was more concerned about the fact that my OCD and said 'alter ego' no longer held up even when I got wasted.
For some people, this might seem silly, but for mi, it was a major problem. As far back as my drinking history goes, I have always prided myself in the fact that no matter how blacked out I get, I still maintain my usual routines: eg, bed time routines, safety routines, etc. I totally gave all the credit to my OCD nature and my 'alter ego'. Now the fact that neither could help mi with the location of my keys (which is something I always place at a specific spot before the night begins because I have OCD like that), led mi to worry that my friends might finally be right: I just might need an AA meeting. '


But no worries. Disaster was very much averted when I found my keys where I had recalled and even told my brother, in my wasted-ness, that they were located: In one of my girlfriend's car. 


Summary of this story is, I still refuse the title of an alcoholic. Would let you in on the new coined name for my 'condition' whenever I get one....lol

Game of Chance

That moment when you look down on the bed at her face and realize that there, bare and unprotected, lies your heart.
That moment when you suddenly realize, with fear, that she holds your life source in her fragile hands.
That moment hen you realize that with one squeeze she could crush your heart and cause you a unique kind of death experience. 
That moment when you realize you've decided to gamble and trust her with it anyway, because doing otherwise would be something you might regret. 
That moment when you ask her to keep it forever and she says yes, making your gamble all worth it.
That moment when you realize you might be more fragile than her, as you hold her heart in your hands. 

One Night Only

I met this guy,
He was cute, different, funny and not my type.
He loved another and thought I did too.
Which was fine cus I found it funny.
We laughed, we played, we hugged, he kissed,
And with the morning light, he was gone again.


We both said it won't work out.
We both said in a different life it might have been fun.
We both said we were both perfect.
We both knew not for each other.
We both agreed to go our separate ways.


But I did laugh while I was with him.
But I did say my mind with him.
But I did feel like we were on the same plane.
But I did help him with his problems as well.
And I did love him for one night only. 

Heartless

So it occurred to mi recently that I had not been here in a while. Since this used to be my escape pane, I wanted my come back to be something flashy and all. Or so I thought. While in the middle of my pondering, I had an encounter that got mi thinking.
He said I was cold hearted, in so many words, and now am quite sad.

So cheers to all the heartless ones out there....the next poem to come is for you.