Random thoughts as I don't sleep....

For some reason, I randomly remembered the other day my thoughts on marriage as a kid. I imagined that:
A: I would have a house in four different countries, where I would live during each season of the year.
B: When I get married, I would have a house which would consist of two separate duplexes, connected by a short hallway. My husband would live in one, and I would live in the other. Where the children would dwell never factored into that scenario.

Aside from the peculiarity of the living location(s),  I think it is hilarious that, even at a young age, I could not understand the concept of living with someone under the same roof when I grow up. Which might explain why having a roommate has always been such a chore for mi lol. I love my roommates, but most of the time, I love the individuals as separate entities from the term 'roommate'.

But that's just mi being random and not sleeping like I should be...

3 Months Down....

....4 years and some change to go.

Congratulations to mi, I just completed my first quarter of PhD graduate school. (Cheerrrrrsssss!!!!)
Here is the much procrastinated count down of 10 things I learned thus far. (Drum rolls!!!!)

10. Being stuck in a location filled with other psychologists (to-be) is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence, the appreciation of the quarter system.

9. On that note, completing the first quarter does not, as anticipated, bring with it a sense of relief. Simply more exhaustion.

8. Consistency and communication, among people in office is a thing of the 80s. Inconsistency is the norm now. So generalizability is not only unacceptable with clients, it is also unacceptable with school rules, regulations and instructions. Get with the program.

7. There is a high correlation between Starbucks' coffee sales and the level of tolerance psychologists (who are trained/training to deal with people's feelings) have for each other. If Starbucks is the go-to drug for the 'experts', why are millions still paying for experts??

6. There is, apparently, such a thing as a 'stupid question'.  It is a psychologist's/(to be) job to point that to you, in an ever so passive-aggressive (or what I like to call British polite) way.

5. It is very okay to stereotypically diagnose someone based on your 'cultural consideration'. Also okay to throw that out the window, if I deem an existence of 'clinical impairment'.

4. Saying 'xx is a thing' is, apparently, a thing.

3. The DSM was probably written by a bunch of individuals with a DSM diagnosis, some of whom are certifiable.... (shh, no telling).

2. Overthinking + Psychology classes = Nervous breakdown. Don't do it.

1. In psychology world, there is no such thing as a 'yes' or a 'no'. It ALWAYS depends.

And as a bonus: Kids in this state were raised differently from the rest of the world; AND; they think that it's normal.... 

....Pants on Fire....

The words come out before I am done processing them. It's a story. A fantasy I'm creating. Sure, dark it may be, but it is a fantasy non the less. I don't understand fully, in the moment, that this is reality. It's okay to answer with the truth and be 'normative'. It's okay to not have an elaborate fancy story to tell for every situation. It's okay to not have experiences in some areas. It's also okay to have experiences in areas that are not so dramatic.
How did this all begin??
When I was 10 and I found out, in more ways than not, that being 'mi' and having my 'boring life' didn't make friends, but made an outcast of mi. Somehow, I discovered people were more interested in mi when I was different. Eccentric. Out there. So, I had to revamp myself. I had to become different, eccentric and out there.
The funny thing is, I was already different, just not in a way they appreciated. So I tried to be more similar??
But now, I am eccentric, different and out there.
I never learned when it's 'enough', when it's okay to just be mi - at the level of differentness that I am - versus when I need to make myself even more so.
And since the fantasy began, I have to keep it up. Most times, I can't tell if what I just said is part of my fantasy life, reality or a combination of both. Sometimes, I feel bad because I genuinely meet people who want to know mi, but I don't even know mi anymore so I can't help out there. I mean I say things about myself, but then I think and realize, wait, that's not entirely true. Like 'I've seen xyz' becomes 'I've met xyz'. Which is not technically what happened. But I don't process this until after it's out.
Factitious?? Malingering?? Both??
The more I self-reflect, the more aspects of mi I see and dislike. The more I view, the more I want to move and just start over, clean slate. But then the more I move, the more the cycle rotates. This time I'm actually acknowledging things, so maybe this time would be different?? The possibility of getting to meet the real 'mi'....funny, I'm more scared of what I would find than everyone else. :/

Exam studying time.
xo

I Believe

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. Everyone is convicted differently, everyone is at a different point each time, and everyone is called differently.

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. You can't judge others for what they do, because you are unaware of the place they are with God, or the convictions they have in their soul.

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. Sometimes, our souls could be in a Dark Night, where we feel God is gone. Sometimes we experience Acedia, because of things in our past. But in His love, God draws us back - sometimes through pain and sorrow - and He holds us close. 

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. And since I am not perfect in my journey, I have not been on the path you have, or experienced the turns you have; and if your spirit is at peace, who am I to judge what stage you're in or should be?? 

How to Quit a ____

You know that feeling, when you are mad at someone who doesn't know you are, and even if he or she found out, would not care one way or the other?? No?? Just my insane self?? Okay. I'm not so much irritated with this individual, as I am with the fact there no notice has been or will ever be paid to my irritation. So again, I am having a dramatic episode all by myself in my head.

I give up.