Diamonds in the soles of her shoes.

This probably has little to do with the title technically, unless you are aware of the context and characters that inspired this post. What does it mean to have feelings for someone?? Recently, I find myself unable to tell a lot of things when it comes to emotional awareness, except the distinct fact that I don't have feelings for a person....or anyone in general at the moment.
This is more pronounced in the fact that on the flip side, I find other people's ability/experience of having feelings for another fascinating. The same way watching a science experiment occur is fascinating.
What does that feel like?? The emotional tingling I assume is there - represented in the form of physical sensations.

The lady with diamonds spent a good portion of time fighting off feelings for a guy who is being politely hurtful unintentionally. I spend the time trying to figure out how the feelings occur to begin with. What does that feel like?? How does that work?? I vaguely recall the butterflies from over a decade ago, but I wouldn't consider that 'love' like now.
They guy has more of the physical feelings, another aspect I'm not fully accustomed to either. Does that make mi asexual?? I don't think so, not by the dictionary definition that is.

Sometimes I sit and dream. Imagine and dream of what any of this would feel like. Love, lust, pain, hurt. I dream and let my imagination roam, then I put it all back in the safety box and continue my existence.

Harden not your heart....

Psalm 95 (8-11)
How long has this land rejected Him??
Founded on God, witnessing His protection, mercies.
How long has this land rejected Him??
Did the nation evoke this wrath to declare no peace or rest??
Hearts hardened, faces turned away.
Miracles of mercy rejected, ascribed to luck and man.
How long has the heart of the people been turned away for??
Do the sheep know His way?? Do they seek to know??
Or are they too busy trying to become wolves, rejecting their identity??
The creator of all things, yet hurt, heartbroken and rejected by the crème of His creation.
How long has the land rejected Him??

There was a guy....

Or I should say is. 

It's a curious and unfamiliar feeling, and I'm not quite sure what I think about it. Right now, it feels like watching a little child with a toy. Heart strings or butterflies....well not quite butterflies. It's amusing, because I've heard about this occurrence in others, but never seen it in her. She isn't giddy and nervous around him which, in and of itself, is already odd. She is cautious and fascinated with the experience, loving the complete lack of awareness on his part I bet. Today, she got that tingly feeling in her chest when he walked in, and that was a pleasantly unexpected and amusing surprise. Her lack of immediate self-criticism, revulsion and fear, was also quite refreshing. 

I noticed a few weeks ago when he suddenly popped up her thoughts. She abruptly stopped the activity we were engaged in then, because it was no longer appropriate. Randomly, he has flashed in and out of scenes, not yet disruptively though. I don't think she is currently interested in processing what this may or may not mean. I think she is rather enjoying the sudden interest in a guy in this direction, after what is arguably a terrifyingly long time. She also has a year at her current location, and is of the distinct opinion and conviction that she will never set eyes on him again after she leaves. She also still has her 'safety' checks in place to ward off anything/one getting too close to the caged bird. 
So for the time being, I'm content with watching her play and be giggly; she's content with playing and being happy. 

The safety is on....

Behind the bars....

She is content....

There is a guy....

xoxo

How Are You??

I feel it creeping in. The sadness. The depressive feelings. The dysphoric mood. 

I feel it creeping in and it's hard not to let it take over. 

The strength to not break down and cry for a reason I cannot articulate even to myself is becoming more and more difficult to muster. 

The will to fight off the lonely feelings is becoming harder and harder to debate for. 

I should be used to this. That is why they are called episodes, no?? 

But I'm so tired. So very tired and I can't even say why.

Hopefully, I have enough reserve energy to continue pretending. 

Continue pretending so I don't have to think of an appropriate response for 

'how are you??'

Caged Freedom

Land of the free,
yet I am required to fit myself into a box.

"Tick here to fit yourself in this box of colour."
"Circle here to fit yourself in this group's box."

Land of the free,
yet there is no bubble to be me.

Why can't I just be me: My name, hobbies,
where I was born....

Why is me, as I see me, not okay?
Why is me, as defined by you, the correct me?

Land of the free,
but you must take a stand.

Take a stand?
I thought free also meant free not to?

Why is my stand, to not take a stand,
not one of your acceptable choices?

Land of the free,
check here for the freedom criteria.

The Secret and Pandora's Box.

I can keep a secret.

I can as long as it isn't about mi. 

Then, I inevitably loose the ability to stay quiet. 

Maybe it's because secret worthy affairs occur so rarely in my life, I feel the need to share. 

Like a desperate way of saying 'hey pay attention, I'm not not special. I'm not that boring'. 

I hear myself talking. But like a broken dam, I can't shut up until it is all out. 

Of course, like clockwork, the regret begins as soon as the first word leaves my mouth. 

I want to stop.
Not everyone has to know. 

It's okay to not stand out. I
t's okay to keep somethings inside.
It's okay to have no story to tell. 

I understand this.
Truly I do.
But I don't know how to stop. 

xo

Lost

I'm unhappy.
This is something I can actually admit.
Even though I smile and laugh with people around, I truly feel unhappy inside.
I can't for the life of mi tell why.
Sure there are things I want, everyone has those.
But nothing so serious that I need to be sad about.
I fight feelings of loneliness, yet I'm surrounded by many.
I fight feelings of failure, yet I know I am not close to one.
I wake up almost daily with a feeling that something vital, something important is missing.
Something so important I feel lost without it.
Maybe it's because there is so much i want to do, yet I feel trapped.
Trapped.
That caged feeling is slowly creeping back in.
I want to free fall.
I want to be un-trapped. Unlocked. Found.
I'm so tired of this back and forth.
Almost feels like this was this wrong place....

Alive, Sorrys and R.I.P

Today, I realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. I don't know how long this has been the case for, and ironically, I don't know who unfriended whom. I say this because there was a time I wanted to delete you from my life entirely, so there is a chance I did that then. There is also a chance you did the unfriending, in which case, anytime in the last couple of months will be a fair guess.  

What struck mi wasn't the fact that we were no longer friends, (as that has been evident for a while now), but how petty and unchristian I have been about the entire ordeal. True, I transitioned from being mad to disliking to not carrying to being neutral where you were concerned. But I was mean in the things I said about you. 

For that I truly am sorry. 

It's not that I want to 'fix' things or become friends again. I don't think our personalities align for that or that it is necessary. But the negative comments were uncalled for and for that, I am sorry. 

How you choose to live your life and what you choose to do really are not my concern or for mi to comment on. We are strangers who go to school together to be fair. I can't comment on the things you do because I don't know you. 

So I am sorry for everything this far. Quite certain you won't see this. Quite certain there is no point talking about this. But I do promise, to myself and God at least, that if I have nothing good to say, I won't say anything at all. I sincerely wish you well here on out, and I hope this reflects in my attitude and behaviour as well. I'm not doing this for you, but so I can look myself in the mirror and be okay. 

xo

Learning Again

Learning to see aspects of myself I don't like, but not let it affect how I feel about myself. 

Learning to see character flaws in myself, and not automatically assign the 'bad' label as usual. 

Learning that I can work on mi, without the bonus of condemnations. 

Learning that it takes time, and I will need to learn patience with myself along the way. 

Learning that friendships come in different forms, and that not everyone is a 'close friend'. 

Learning that just because someone isn't a close friend, doesn't make the person an enemy either. There are friends for different seasons, levels and situations. This is also fine. 

Learning that not everyone you want to be friends with will be friends with you. 

Learning that the more you talk about others, the more alone you get. Lonely is fixable, alone is almost not. 

Reset

For a while now I've been playing the blame game,
Shifting it far away from myself.
For a while now I've said so many things,
A lot of which I know are hurtful.
It's easier to be mad,
Yet petty and immature.
It's easier to be the one doing the hurting,
But not a fun reputation to have.

So I will start by saying I'm sorry.
I'll say let's call a truce,
Though I think the only one fighting was mi.
I'll like to say this will be easy,
But I know better than that.
So I will start by saying I'm sorry,
And I promise to be better.

'If you can't say something positive, don't say anything'.
I guess the first step for now is keeping silent.
I don't like this place mostly for what it makes mi,
But I'm no longer willing to give up the old mi if this is the new version.
Cynical, bitter, sad, depressive, complainer....
Not adjectives I enjoy being associated with mi.

So for now,
I'll start with an I'm sorry.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I'll say this face to face.
Or I might be too cowardly to do that ever.
But mum's the word where you're concerned.
HAGL.

xo

Learning

Learning to communicate.

Voicing out my thoughts changed the theme of this post from a sorrowful mystery to what it is about to be. 

Learning to be alone. 

As terrifying as it still is, accepting that it is okay to be alone; understanding that not being with the person you want to be at a particular time isn't the same thing as being alone. There are many who love mi. 

Learning to fight the fears.

Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it's so easy to give in. Yes, it's breaking away from the norm. Yes, it is what's best for mi. 

Learning that I am changing. 

A scary process, as there are no rules, guidelines or concrete stands. Yet, it's a necessary aspect. Necessary part of moving forward, letting go, facing the demons; becoming free. 

xo

Mi

Third Wheel

It's funny I always end up being the third wheel in whatever circle I'm in. And people wonder why I hate odd numbers. There could be fifty people available, and I will end up being the fifty-first. It is something I've come to accept. While it is still sad and makes mi sad, I still have to accept it. 

Friendship: Need versus Want.

Your friends are not necessarily those you say hi to everyday. 

Those you don't say hi to everyday not not friends. 

Want versus need. 

Are friends those you need in your life or those you want in your life?? 

Which is healthier or better?? Or are they on the same spectrum just at different ends?? 

I have friends I think I need. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

I have friends I think I want. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

So if you need but are not needed but wanted. If you want but aren't wanted but needed. Does it hurt less than when you are just not needed or wanted period?? 

I really want someone to explain how friendship on this side works. 

Games, Games 😘😘

I think it's hilarious that I created a game I am 100% uncomfortable playing. 

I made a game called questions, which are 150 questions you ask people over drinks and time. There are a number or sexual and personal questions. More things I'm curious about regarding others, not so much what I can respond to. Mostly cause I'm quite the coward. And I end up judging myself for whatever I say. 

But I like this kind of high (how I currently feel). Wine makes mi tipsy, but not the type of tipsy that stops my impulse control (like other drinks), and leads to self hate. 

I also really like my cohort. A certain group. And I wish I was less awkward (at least in my head). 

Happy day light savings kids. Church in 5hrs, quite doubtful considering the time but I'll try.

 🙈🙉🙊

xo

Mi

Petty Still or Growing up??

One thing I've come to realize about myself over the years is that when I have a three way friendship, I tend to get jealous if the other two appear to be getting closer to each other and I'm 'left out'. Then I inevitably begin distancing myself from them (of course they get closer), and then I become less of a part of the 'three way' and then I'm out. 

Presently, I have found myself in a similar situation. At first, I was jealous as always. Or at least I thought I was. But the curious thing is after thinking about the situation, I was actually sad as opposed to jealous. Which was an interesting discovery, as it is uncharacteristic of mi to feel that way. I talked to one part of the other two, simply catching up, and an even more curious thing occurred. I was/am genuinely happy they are getting closer. Though I do realize and am sad about the fact that I am getting left out, it's not jealously or sulky like before. 

The quarter system at school makes time seem to fly by very quickly, while appearing to be longer than it really is. So while two weeks might have passed in the blink of an eye for instance, it will feel like a month because of all the activities packed into it. This makes not talking to someone for a week seem like longer and can make the parties feel a lot more distant, as a lot can happen in that time. So while I realize it has only been a few weeks of distance, I am able to recognize that this feels worse because of the system. 

In the past, such a realization would have been impossible; and in the off chance that I made it, would not have mattered in terms of affecting how I feel. But I am still sad about missing out and not talking to the other parties as much and not being a part of the 'in-group', and having to accept that I won't be the closest to either party. Though I understand that that's a little ironic coming from someone who allows others to get a little close but never gets close herself.

I do miss them, though there isn't much I can actively do in the moment to change that. 

I wonder what would happen if either party ran across ris blog/post. Will they know?? How will they react?? 

I wonder now, do all these feeling make mi petty still, or am I growing up??

Everything and Nothing.

I don't understand why this feeling keeps coming back. Overwhelmed. Trapped. Drowning. Alone. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. I'm constantly tired. The thought of everything exhausts mi. I have to face it all alone, and the idea is daunting and exhausting. I'm constantly irritated by people around mi. Not for nothing, but at the same time, not for reasons I would have been so gravely offended by in the past. The stress inducer is the idea that I am alone.
I feel friendless.
Which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that I am constantly around people daily. On the weekends, I'm by myself. Mostly by choice because the only people I know, are the people I see every other day. It is most straining to have the same population of about 50 individuals to make friends, acquaintances, classmates, confidants, etc. It is also harder when it appears that you alone have that set pool. Everyone else has a much broader pool, as should be the case, and thus, would be with a different group of people on the weekend - breathe of fresh air. Bearing that in mind, I cannot, in good sense, call or text anyone to do anything over the weekend (adding the fact that I have next to nothing in common with 95% of said population).
Then home is a prison cell. Living with one of said 50, but under rules designated by someone else. I can't be myself in public because (given my field and location) I have to be politically correct, keep up an appearance, etc. I can't be myself at home for the same reasons, and I am even more uncomfortable with the person due to mixed emotions about said being.
Trapped.
Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm just running around inside a maze, inside a cage.
Tired.
Running around with no end in sight and no help in perspective is exhausting.
I just want to sleep and forget it all. Every time. Which gets mi in trouble cause I end up falling asleep in class. Plus sleeping at night is even more exhausting. I fall unconscious and then I am conscious. There is no rest, no recuperation, none of the characteristics of sleep. The longer I sleep, the more exhausted I become. So 4hrs a night allows mi to concentrate at least through one class, versus 6+ and I struggle with sleep in every class I go to.
Alone. Friendless.
When I think about it, I never really learned to make friends. After the 'ordeal', I made friends vicariously through my best friend. Her friends were my friends. She had vetted them as okay to be friends with, I didn't have to introduce myself/do any ice breakers, and I was accepted because I was her friend. Made finding things in common, talking about myself and all that jazz unnecessary. When I did make friends outside of her, they were either Japanese or spoke to mi first.
I'm just tired.
Right now, I'm trying really hard to not let my diet, at the very least, fall off. I can't even begin to deal with the stress of relapsing and having to start over or cope with the guilt and etc that comes from it.

I miss my one bedroom apartment in Kanasugi.
I miss Japan.
I'm just tired.

xo

Blossoms Blooming....

Everyday, I feel a strong sense of emotion. Each day, the location I find myself, on the spectrum ranging from intense sadness to ecstatic, varies. Sometimes, I feel my chest is heavy, and I’m about to burst with excitement and happiness.  I can’t explain why. 

Other times, I am so tired and sad. Not depressed, but unhappy. Again, I can’t explain what I am unhappy about or why. 

I do know it feels like its in relation to someone else. Feels like I am happy for that person or sad for said person. Odd, cause there is no one in my life with that amount of impact on mi. 

In other news, I’m back in school. There is a distinct difference between this quarter and last quarter for mi. Almost as though I am meeting a lot of people for the first time, and seeing a lot of others through a different set of lenses.

For one thing, I’ve withdrawn from a number of people. Both intentionally and unintentionally, but I am fine with it. It’s been less emotionally stressful. I admit, trying to stand on my own and not depending on others as much as I used to, trying to understand and work out the concept of working on my own, going places on my own, etc, though difficult, is something I’ve learned that I need to learn and practice doing things on my own. 

Another thing is I’ve accepted that I have few interests with most of the people around me, and they are closer to each other (than to mi) because they have more in common/more to bond with. This is also okay. This doesn’t mean my friends (the ones left) don’t like mi or aren’t my friends. It’s just a fact. The like football for instance, or health related talks, article readings, or things related to LGBT, etc. and I am not interested in most or all of those things. Which is also okay. 

I have also learned, albeit the hard way, that you can’t ‘make friends’. You become friends with people - either by chance, accident, match making, etc. You can’t make yourself friends with someone or create a friendship. As a result, not everyone would be friends with you, you won’t be friends with everyone, not everyone you want to be friends with will want to be friends with you and you won’t want to become friends with everyone who wants to be friends with you. And the most important thing is, all of that is okay. 

Finally, I made an appointment to begin my 16hrs. Should be interesting considering the fact that I just picked her for her price rather than anything else….

So hello Winter quarter, lets see how you turn out :) 

xo

Mi

Suddenly, I don't want to go back to Cali. I was excited about going back, resettling in, etc. Then I saw something I wasn't mentally prepared for. At least I didn't know I wasn't till it happened. 

But I have to go back. Just have to make peace with it. More like I've made my peace, I just need to breathe and not let go again. 

xoxo

Mi