Hate that I

Why do you make it so hard for mi to hate you?

Maybe not hate you but at least get over and let go?

You have your bad sides, which you show more. 

But then just when I think this is it....the good you shows up.

Nope, you don't do it intentionally, I don't think you are even aware.

Which is what makes this even worse. 

I can't hate you for being you.

I can't love you for being you.

Either way you look at it, I'm screwed aren't I?

On Angel's Wings

Today at church, we talked about apology and saying 'I'm Sorry'. About one's love language and apology language. For some reason, it made mi think of Zikora. Which is weird cause I haven't thought about him in a while. Took mi a minute to remember what he looked like. Amazingly, all I could remember was that sarcastic look/smile he got when he tried, in his Zikora way, to stop himself from telling you what he truly thought.

My last few months with Zikora, I spent them apologizing. It was almost a routine. Run, find him, walk with him and chanting 'please, I'm sorry, tell mi why....' etc. Still don't know what it was I was apologizing for. He never got around to telling mi that. 

But I like to think he got over it and forgave mi, long before the term was over. He probably enjoyed making mi plead with him. He still smiled, sometimes laughed when I brought up possible reasons for the oath of silence. He never spoke to mi again though. He smiled, laughed, but never spoke. 

I still think it was my fault - well obviously, I'm the one he was mad at - something I said probably - seeing as I have a big mouth. But when I think about him, I still smile through the tears. He was a friend, quite dear too. I don't know why now, but maybe someday I'd find out what it was about...who knows, we might even kick back together and laugh about the stupid affairs of seasons past.

RIP angel, still miss you.

RIP Soldier

Death is such an untimely guest. 

One minute alls well, and the next its here. Hard to grasp, difficult to understand. Unwanted yet unavoidable. Unplanned yet unstoppable.

How is it not unfair that one so bright and beautiful, gets life cut short so abruptly with no explanation or planning. 

On the one hand, you do want to meet many people in life, to get touched by the blessings they are and hope to touch them so in the end. 

On the other hand, you don't want to meet many people in life, for there is a greater chance of you getting hurt in the end. 

I digress.

This is an Ode to a classic being, to a bright light and a wonderful human being. I met you for a short time but even from the distance I was privileged to be blessed by your beautiful soul. 

RIP Emeka Mbakwe....another Angel

....To live is to have loved and be loved....

When

When you realize its been a while since your last kiss....

lol was trying to make this into a poem but couldn't think of anything beyond that line so words it is. I think this is just from watching too many movies, but I do miss kisses. Well from Tv they seem like so much fun....from experience, I'd say I only miss kissing one person....lol. Which is silly considering I didn't have of a relationship with him. I mean apart from what everyone knows about him on the surface....wait thats a lie, I do know somethings the general public don't know. It is amazing how much you can find out about someone in a night....and how little as well I guess. But maybe it is because we were both unserious it worked out so well. I mean with all other planned situations....well history can speak for herself. 

But not all kisses are worth counting. For the most part, you only miss the ones that were real. And sadly, not necessarily the ones with the 'significant other'. You know that random moment where you meet this guy, usually at a club (how these things happen), and theres that connection - eyes et al - and then the kiss.....

Sorry, I deviated. 

A Mile In Her Shoes

Last week, I had a surgical procedure done. 

The entire experience, from the preparation, to the day, to the actual event and the afterwards have been quite interesting and an eye opener. 

Contrary to what most people may think, I don't feel sorry I had to have the surgery. I am actually glad God gave mi the opportunity to go through this, because it gave mi a chance to get a glimpse into the world my best friend has been living in  for the past 7+ years. 

My best friend was one of two survivors of a plane crash 7 years ago, suffering several 3rd degree burns on her body. Since then, she has been undergoing one surgical procedure after another. Mi and her, being the idiots that we are, laugh and joke each time she has a surgery. 

I tell her 'you know the drill, nothing unnecessary please' (meaning, in our words, have a safe and uncomplicated surgery) and she responds, mostly, 'bye fool'. 

We laugh, I get a drowsy call from her a few hours latter, we laugh some more and thank God she is ok.  She is not herself for a few weeks afterwards, then she is back again and the cycle resumes. Life as we know it.

There has not been any reason for mi to think twice about it, until now. 

Before my surgery, I believe my parents had over 10 prayer sessions with mi, and thats just counting with them alone. From the doctor, to the machines, to the healing, there was nothing that was not prayed about. At some point I almost got scared. It seemed rather easy for a surgery to get complicated, just as easily as it was to be uncomplicated. Just how many scenarios could one possible come up with from one surgery?? Not to mention multiple?? I can't imagine how may prayer sessions my best friend and the family have had over these years. 

Then on the day of the surgery, all was calm. I am usually calm on the d-day before any event, so that didn't bother mi. What bothered mi however, was when I got to the operating room. After leaving my mum. When I laid down on that operating table, stretched my arms out on either side of mi and stared up at the bright lights. I realized one thing. 

I was alone. 

Yes there were doctors and nurses, and the anesthetist too. But I didn't know any of those people. The nearest person I knew was two doors down and away from mi. 

In that second, I felt as if I was laying on a cross and submitting my life to the will of a bunch of strangers. I didn't think about it then, because I was humming a gospel song and that kept mi calm, but now that it is all over, I wonder just how people without God go through that. Who do you talk to when the doors are shut and there is no loved one around anymore?? Who do you talk to you to calm you down when the needle is in your arm and all that stands between you and death or worse is a drop of extra anesthesia?? 

Then I woke up.

I admit it was scary to wake up and realize I had been asleep for over four hours, with no recollection of when I slept, what happened in between and how I got to the new room I woke up in. I didn't think about it then, but thinking back now, for those 4 hours, the only person I knew in that room was God. Anything could have happened. A knife could have gone wrong. It was morning but what if one of the doctors didn't get enough sleep and slipped?? So again, how do people without God do it??

I have always said, to many people, that my best friend is the strongest person I know. That she is the only one I know who could go through what she is going through. But I think I found a new form of respect for her. Because I don't know how she goes through this over and over and over and over, with the same stupid smile I'm used to. I couldn't possible endure the tension and anxiety - not just mine, but those around, more so them - or the pain and discomfort that comes afterwards. 

But one new thing I learned is that she isn't the strongest person I know. Her mother is. Because for those four hours I was asleep with no thought of the future, my mother had to sit outside waiting, for four hours, for the doctor to come out with a yay or nay. All she did for those four hours was pray and cast her anxiety to her God. Now multiply those four hours by hundreds, and you meet my best friend's mum. Just what manner of strength does a woman need to be able to sit through that over, and over, and over and over, with her child, having only faith to hold on to?? 

I ask again, how do people without God do it?? 

But as I said before, I am glad God gave mi the opportunity to have even but a glimpse into her world. The chance to feel even a molecule of a fraction (don't think maths allows that ><) of what she goes through, and for seeing mi through it all successfully. I think its funny when I told her the date for the surgery, she panicked. I laughed because in all these years, she has never panicked. I asked her why she's acting as though surgeries are new to her, and she said 'Mine is a normal thing, but you going through it is different'. Isn't someone who can look at something this major as normal because of the faith she has in her God blessed?? After going through this, I have to ask myself if my faith in God would be strong enough to let mi look at life the way she does?? But God did say He would not give us a cross we cannot bear. 

So I am glad and grateful he gave mi the chance to work at least a mile in her shoes.... and survive :) 

xoxo

Wednesday.

So the surgery is Wednesday. For something I e been praying, hoping, begging and wanting, it's a little odd to mi that I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Maybe it's all the external drama going on around this time.... Well partly. On the other hand, I would be lying if I said the stigma, real or imagined, has an effect. So many what ifs cross my mind. What if people don't understand why?? What if I don't feel better?? What if this makes it even worse and....what ifs. I guess the biggest thing is being unconscious and out of control for so long. Blackouts, medical or otherwise, has never sat well with mi.
But it's scheduled and I'm leaving it in God's hands.

7 Years

Another year, another month,
Another week, another day,
Another hour, another minute,
Another second....another memory.

We remember you all and smile,
We remember you and our hearts sheds a tear.
We remember you all and laugh,
We remember you all hold back the tears.

The memories we had together,
The good times and laughs we shared.
The fights we had together,
The bad times we feared.

We remember your smile and say a little prayer,
We remember your warmth and say a little prayer,
We remember your laughter and say a little prayer,
We remember your words and say a little prayer.

We remember your tears and say a little prayer,
We remember your fears and say a little prayer,
We remember your worries and say a little prayer,
We remember your prayers and say a little prayer.

We remember your voice,
We remember you.

Mirror Mirror

If you could only look inside of mi,
What you see and what you would see will be a flip side of each other.
For my outside is a cover,
Not perfect but a lot more so than the real mi.

Here is a piece of mi,
Hardly seems comprehensible that I am still holding on together.
From this image you get parts to make a part,
Tears and pain glue all together.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
What you see isn't always what it is.

Daily Words

You can't hate a guy for not liking you.
You can't hate a guy for not accepting you.
You can't hate a guy for wanting to stay single.
You can't hate a guy for wanting your friend over you.
It's hard, it's painful but it's the truth.
You just have to accept it.
Does it bother you?? Of course. It would bother anyone. But you just have to accept it.
Does it hurt every time?? Of course. It would always hurt. But you just have to deal with it.
Can I cut it out cause its slowly killing mi?? Not a chance. Swimming or drowning through it is your only option.
Can you at least cry it out?? I guess not. Cause there's no one to cry out to.
Why?? You know the idiot that cut her safety net loose before she got to land?? Yea, that's mi.
Maybe it would be better in the morning.

Junkie for Pain

It's the waiting that is killing mi
It's the waiting that I hate.
It's the waiting that makes mi want to throw myself off a bridge and end it all.
It's the waiting that depresses mi
It's the waiting that hurts.
It's the waiting that makes the reality all too real and knife worthy.
It's the waiting that gnaws at mi
It's the waiting I dispise.
It's the waiting that gets restarted as soon as that re-blinking light begins.
It's the waiting that's anxious for mi
It's the waiting that kills.
It's the waiting that makes my heart race without a reason.