Waves in Motion

Today, my first year of five years came to a close. I passed all my exams, some to my surprise I must say. This year has been quite the rollercoaster. I learned, discovered and confirmed a number of things about myself. Some of them I was happy with, others not so much. I found friends, made friends, stumbled upon friends and lost friends. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to confront things I wished I could have continued to avoid. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to grow up in areas I still struggle with. It was hard, and I probably could have found an easier way to survive, but I believe God made it this way so I had to go through the year and experience the things I did the way i did.

The first unique thing about this year was the fact that I experienced culture shock for the first time in my life. I've lived in this country for years, but I had never felt like a foreigner until I got here and that was really hard to learn to deal with. But deal with it I had to and deal with it I still am. I learned a lot about people, some things I didn't like, others I'm learning to live with, and yet still, others I completely cherish. I learned a lot about myself. For instance, I am extremely shy and awkward around the opposite sex. I am most comfortable in my own company. I love driving big cars. I love practical assignments, suck at multiple choice. I get easily anxious when I am away from God. I love flirting but I'm terrified of commitments. I cherish the idea of living alone....the list goes on.

By the calendar, the second year starts in the fall. However, officially, the second year starts next week. We start seeing clients, we start making a difference. There is so much I want to achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I can achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I am going to/am yet to achieve and do and see and be. I know God has been with mi, despite my wandering habits, all through this year, and he will be with mi in the times to come.

So  here is to the end of a unique and wonderful year. Here is to the start of a new phase in a new chapter in my life I am finally slowly settling in to. Here is to the future, because the best is yet to come. Here is to the past year, because it has made mi who I am today, or at least contributed to who I am today. Here is to the waves in motion, which continue to change as the tides come in. Here is to life.
Here is to mi. I made it.

xoxo

Everything and Nothing.

I don't understand why this feeling keeps coming back. Overwhelmed. Trapped. Drowning. Alone. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. I'm constantly tired. The thought of everything exhausts mi. I have to face it all alone, and the idea is daunting and exhausting. I'm constantly irritated by people around mi. Not for nothing, but at the same time, not for reasons I would have been so gravely offended by in the past. The stress inducer is the idea that I am alone.
I feel friendless.
Which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that I am constantly around people daily. On the weekends, I'm by myself. Mostly by choice because the only people I know, are the people I see every other day. It is most straining to have the same population of about 50 individuals to make friends, acquaintances, classmates, confidants, etc. It is also harder when it appears that you alone have that set pool. Everyone else has a much broader pool, as should be the case, and thus, would be with a different group of people on the weekend - breathe of fresh air. Bearing that in mind, I cannot, in good sense, call or text anyone to do anything over the weekend (adding the fact that I have next to nothing in common with 95% of said population).
Then home is a prison cell. Living with one of said 50, but under rules designated by someone else. I can't be myself in public because (given my field and location) I have to be politically correct, keep up an appearance, etc. I can't be myself at home for the same reasons, and I am even more uncomfortable with the person due to mixed emotions about said being.
Trapped.
Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm just running around inside a maze, inside a cage.
Tired.
Running around with no end in sight and no help in perspective is exhausting.
I just want to sleep and forget it all. Every time. Which gets mi in trouble cause I end up falling asleep in class. Plus sleeping at night is even more exhausting. I fall unconscious and then I am conscious. There is no rest, no recuperation, none of the characteristics of sleep. The longer I sleep, the more exhausted I become. So 4hrs a night allows mi to concentrate at least through one class, versus 6+ and I struggle with sleep in every class I go to.
Alone. Friendless.
When I think about it, I never really learned to make friends. After the 'ordeal', I made friends vicariously through my best friend. Her friends were my friends. She had vetted them as okay to be friends with, I didn't have to introduce myself/do any ice breakers, and I was accepted because I was her friend. Made finding things in common, talking about myself and all that jazz unnecessary. When I did make friends outside of her, they were either Japanese or spoke to mi first.
I'm just tired.
Right now, I'm trying really hard to not let my diet, at the very least, fall off. I can't even begin to deal with the stress of relapsing and having to start over or cope with the guilt and etc that comes from it.

I miss my one bedroom apartment in Kanasugi.
I miss Japan.
I'm just tired.

xo

Blossoms Blooming....

Everyday, I feel a strong sense of emotion. Each day, the location I find myself, on the spectrum ranging from intense sadness to ecstatic, varies. Sometimes, I feel my chest is heavy, and I’m about to burst with excitement and happiness.  I can’t explain why. 

Other times, I am so tired and sad. Not depressed, but unhappy. Again, I can’t explain what I am unhappy about or why. 

I do know it feels like its in relation to someone else. Feels like I am happy for that person or sad for said person. Odd, cause there is no one in my life with that amount of impact on mi. 

In other news, I’m back in school. There is a distinct difference between this quarter and last quarter for mi. Almost as though I am meeting a lot of people for the first time, and seeing a lot of others through a different set of lenses.

For one thing, I’ve withdrawn from a number of people. Both intentionally and unintentionally, but I am fine with it. It’s been less emotionally stressful. I admit, trying to stand on my own and not depending on others as much as I used to, trying to understand and work out the concept of working on my own, going places on my own, etc, though difficult, is something I’ve learned that I need to learn and practice doing things on my own. 

Another thing is I’ve accepted that I have few interests with most of the people around me, and they are closer to each other (than to mi) because they have more in common/more to bond with. This is also okay. This doesn’t mean my friends (the ones left) don’t like mi or aren’t my friends. It’s just a fact. The like football for instance, or health related talks, article readings, or things related to LGBT, etc. and I am not interested in most or all of those things. Which is also okay. 

I have also learned, albeit the hard way, that you can’t ‘make friends’. You become friends with people - either by chance, accident, match making, etc. You can’t make yourself friends with someone or create a friendship. As a result, not everyone would be friends with you, you won’t be friends with everyone, not everyone you want to be friends with will want to be friends with you and you won’t want to become friends with everyone who wants to be friends with you. And the most important thing is, all of that is okay. 

Finally, I made an appointment to begin my 16hrs. Should be interesting considering the fact that I just picked her for her price rather than anything else….

So hello Winter quarter, lets see how you turn out :) 

xo

Mi

Quite a Level....Opposite

Re-read what I wrote on the last 'quite a level'. Must be a fun ride swinging back and forth. I did figure it all out, with the help of a friend. And I was upset, more hurt than upset. And I was, contrary to my expectations, upset at myself not others. It hurt and I cried. A lot. Not like I have in years. Then I woke up and it all....stopped.
Now, I guess you could say I am numb. You know when you've grieved and cried and hurt and then you are.... done?? There's nothing there, just numb.
It's not peace, but it's not pain either.
I've come to a general acceptance and now, I guess I'm just existing with the new found understanding. Taking the days as they come. Is this how the last of the 5 stages feels??
I'm not upset anymore. At anyone, myself included.
That is a good thing right??
I feel almost robotic in a way. Going through the motions but not really. Saying the right things (or what I think should be accepted in the moment). Not saying the first 10 things that come to mind (cause not everyone wants to hear that). Smiling when necessary, laughing (attempting to) where needed and speaking when spoken to (that way I don't say unnecessary things or think about unnecessary things either). Focusing on school so that way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander. And when it's all done, at the end of the day, all the mental activity leaves mi exhausted and I can fall into semi-unconsciousness. I don't sleep, at least not much. Just enough to keep mi alert and avoid dreaming.
I won't say it's an ok state to be in. I won't say it's a bad state to be in.
It's just a state.
xo