Quite a Level....Opposite

Re-read what I wrote on the last 'quite a level'. Must be a fun ride swinging back and forth. I did figure it all out, with the help of a friend. And I was upset, more hurt than upset. And I was, contrary to my expectations, upset at myself not others. It hurt and I cried. A lot. Not like I have in years. Then I woke up and it all....stopped.
Now, I guess you could say I am numb. You know when you've grieved and cried and hurt and then you are.... done?? There's nothing there, just numb.
It's not peace, but it's not pain either.
I've come to a general acceptance and now, I guess I'm just existing with the new found understanding. Taking the days as they come. Is this how the last of the 5 stages feels??
I'm not upset anymore. At anyone, myself included.
That is a good thing right??
I feel almost robotic in a way. Going through the motions but not really. Saying the right things (or what I think should be accepted in the moment). Not saying the first 10 things that come to mind (cause not everyone wants to hear that). Smiling when necessary, laughing (attempting to) where needed and speaking when spoken to (that way I don't say unnecessary things or think about unnecessary things either). Focusing on school so that way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander. And when it's all done, at the end of the day, all the mental activity leaves mi exhausted and I can fall into semi-unconsciousness. I don't sleep, at least not much. Just enough to keep mi alert and avoid dreaming.
I won't say it's an ok state to be in. I won't say it's a bad state to be in.
It's just a state.
xo

The Girl Who Danced With The Snake

It struck as weird didn't it?? Her advocating for the new guy instead of d old. But thinking about it in this order might make some sense. 

Remember the A likes B but B likes C scenario?? Well this is more A likes B. B is dating C. And then there is her. Usually, she's not a fan of the underdog. But this time, she wants A to get B. Though the chances are slim. But that's all her vicarious living talking.
She has gone through the personal cycle of liking A (in normal people terms), getting dumped, getting over it and wishing for his happiness - all in her head.
What if I tell you she thought about liking A, decided on her own he won't like her, got sad/over it and projected her 'almost' feelings unto B.
So it looks like she is rooting for A and B for their sake or as a friend, but in actuality, she'd get to live vicariously through B. Pathetic ain't it?? Now what happens when she plays too much or over projects or deludes herself into believing she could let herself like A and see what happens??

This little dilemma is one of the main reasons I, and not she, keep the keys to our heart. Its too fragile for a repeat of last time for instance. 

Why Can't I Hate You??

Lets describe....short of words.....first time. Lol

Kill Mi quickly cause this slow shit aint cutting it. You won’t shut up, which is the only problem right now you know. Cause everything else I am used to, everything else I can take. But you just won’t Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Its not hard cause it was expected. Being observant is a bitch but hey, gives a girl a warning at least. Lol. So it was clear and accepted long before anything happened. Now we both know that, so why do you insist on going on and on about it?? Why won’t you just let Mi endure my hell in peace?? That’s unfair.

Hell is bad enough as it is, being there with you, now that is just the ultimate punishment.

Do I beg?? But that makes you happy doesn't it?? You get worse and there is nothing I can do about it....life is a lot better when I don't beg. 
Fuck it, who we kidding, I won't beg you even if it would cost my life....I guess we both know it, which is why we also both know I am doomed to this hell you have placed mi. 

Like it or not I may, but there is nothing I can do about it....so God help us both then....
someone needs to.... 

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

So like Mi

I wish to yell, scream, curse, be blunt and be so....
unladylike.
I wish to jump, smirk, hiss, not give a shit and be so...
unladylike.
I wish to hit, scratch, bite, cause damage and be so....
unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to be British polite, without the bashfulness of the Japanese,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to be rude when necessary and blunt with the devil's smile,
and be so....unladylike..
I wish to tell you all i feel, not caring as tears run down if they do,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to show when I care, if ever, and when I don't care plainly,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to say what I want to whomever as before, accepting that it might be the end,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to smile at all times, and not discriminate among who I smile with a dagger to,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

....In the Silence....

Engulfed.
In the cone of silence,
She alone hears him.
Calling.
He is back....
Or maybe he never left.

Louder.
His colors bold as ever,
She alone can see them.
Bleeding.
He cuts her....
Or maybe the old wound reopened.

Mesmerized.
Trapped in his cold embrace,
Silent tears fall from her.
Mirrors.
He loves her....
Or maybe she hallucinates.

You.
Another walks in,
Silent tears like hers.
She hates him; She loves him.
For he is she, she is he.

Help.
She wants to scream,
No sound is heard.
In the still silence,
He alone hears her.
You alone understands her.
Neither of help to her.

She hears it,
She feels it,
She understands it.
That thing that fills the empty core,
Yet still leaves it empty.

Reservoir Chronicles: I wish I could....

Take back all my care and worries,
take back all my frustrations,
take back all my sleepless nights,
take back all anxiety for you....
take it all back because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back all the solutions I tried to think of,
take back all the rescues I did come up with,
take back all the fights I had because of you,
take back all the harshness I endured,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back ignoring what seems now as the voice of reasoning,
take back stressing since it seems this was all fake to you,
take back the day I said 'ok, I'll listen' because it seems cursed,
take back letting some emotions show rather than leaving the cage sealed,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back the times I smiled and said I cared,
take back the decades it seemed I spent praying for you,
take back the centuries it seemed I spent listening to you,
take back the millenniums it seemed I spent being angry for you,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


Tell myself this is the last time and know it is true,
tell myself I can walk away from it all and know I can,
tell myself that I really don't know why I feel so and believe it,
tell myself that this is for your good and be happy with that,
tell myself to make it better, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


A lass in the end, she still stands alone.... her greatest fear now a reality.... which road do we turn to now, I hear her unasked questions.... and in the silence, it remains so.... unasked, unanswered.... as I watch the chains fall back in place, and the locks close in once more....

Resevoir Chronicles: How did you feel?

Did it hurt when I said I too was letting go?
Did your heart come to a slamming stop,
And then restart as it broke into a million pieces?
Did it feel a little harder to breathe or was it all normal?
Come on, why the silence? We are playing your game here.
Tell mi how if felt, because I am sure I always feel ten times worse.


Did you feel your dreams turn into nightmares?
Did you feel the life you knew suddenly become foreign?
Did you feel a sudden dislike for Mi that you couldn't stop?
Did you feel helpless as you realized you couldn't let go? Or could you let go?
Come on, why the silence? We are playing your game here.
Tell mi how if felt, because I am sure I always feel ten times worse.

Reservoir Chronicles: Now, You Should Lie To Mi

Now why does my heart hurt when I see you?
Now why does my heart skip when I see you?
Now wait, my heart is dead, so what is that feeling?
Now wait, my heart is sealed, so what is that moving?


You had no right to come unlock my feelings and run away.
You had no right to merge my dreams with reality and then break away.
You had no right to give mi hope for normalcy and then rip it away.
You had no right to make mi smile for real and take the source away.


Should hate you for your fake smiles, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your hidden emotions, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your self-sacrifices, but you would say we are the same.
Should hate you for your unsystematic choices, but you would say we are the same.


Lie and tell Mi once more you do understand, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi you would try to change, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi you would become better, and I would scream.
Lie and tell Mi no more secrets, and I would scream.


To have and to lose, is a pain I am too familiar with.
To have and to lose, is a pain I have had to live with.
To have and to lose, is a pain I thought I was done with.
To have and to lose, is a pain you have reacquainted Mi with.


Mi, I think I am done talking and begging.
Mi, I think I am done crying and trying.
Mi, I think I am done wishing and hoping.
Mi, I think I have joined the others in letting you do as you wish.