I Often Miss Him

Some days I miss him.
I miss his smile, 
I miss his laughter.
I miss the way his eyes light up when he finds something funny.
Its funny though; I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his voice,
I miss his words.
I miss how he gets amused when he irritates mi.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss his eyes,
I miss his face.
I miss the way his eyes twinkle for no reason at times.
Its funny though, I miss him but I never had him.

Some days I miss him.
I miss the laughter,
I miss the arguments.
I miss the bikker and random comments that go for days on end.
Its funny though; I never had him, though some days, I wish I had. 

Can I Be For A Min

Can I be sad for a minute and cry??

Nope; I told you so.

Can I feel bad for myself for just a little bit??

Nope; it would help no one.

Can I talk for a minute and unburden??

Nope; it becomes impossible to press-down.

Can I crawl under my blanket, with headphones and block it all away??

Nope; this is your reality.

Is it so much to ask that I get a reciprocal??

Yes, the world can’t be fair.

Is it so difficult to get a shoulder for a bit??

Yes, you currently can’t afford it.

Is it bad that I want to be…. so scared I cant even ask it….

Yes, must do you first.

Is it such a horrible thing when I let myself out??
Yes, you currently aren’t worth it.

Won’t it be nice to not have to say I knew it all the time??

Just as nice as it would be to predict the future.

Won’t it be nice to not have to feel this déjà vu only with an actual past always??

Just as nice as it would be to change the past.

Won’t it be nice to not have to fight the nausea constantly, unsure if its at the thought of self or others??

Just as nice as it would be to look in the mirror unforced.

Won’t it be nice to be a little secure, at least even before anything happens??

Just as nice as it would be to be free.

Is it bad to not want this constant racing heart??

Nope, but a lottery wish is easier.

Is it bad to not want this constant longing too??

Nope, but an addict’s freedom is easier to achieve.

Is it bad to not want to be the ‘no’ option all the time??

Nope, but the ugly duckling seems to have an easier luck.

Is it bad to just have the eye on mi for once, doesn't even have to be first??

Nope, but that's too pathetic for my ego to let you be.

....When he doesn't turn....

She stands by the window,
staring out.
It's windy outside, she notices,
'He would be cold' she thinks and smiles. 


She makes a bet with Mi,
a silly one to be honest.
No was an option, she didn't take it,
'If he cares, he'd look', we agree. 


I watch her lean in towards the window,
she touches it lightly.
We both know the outcome, silly bet. 
'Like watching a train wreck' she says and smiles. 


He comes out and pulls his hoody tighter,
she smiles the 'I-told-you-so' smile.
He walks to the parking lot and searches for his car,
she smiles the 'I-knew-it' smile.


He gets in his car and drives off,
she says a quick safety prayer.
I look at her, pained by the sadness in her eyes.
'Its not a win when you're on the same side' I say.


A silly bet,
A silly bet that was. 

The Girl Who Danced With The Snake

It struck as weird didn't it?? Her advocating for the new guy instead of d old. But thinking about it in this order might make some sense. 

Remember the A likes B but B likes C scenario?? Well this is more A likes B. B is dating C. And then there is her. Usually, she's not a fan of the underdog. But this time, she wants A to get B. Though the chances are slim. But that's all her vicarious living talking.
She has gone through the personal cycle of liking A (in normal people terms), getting dumped, getting over it and wishing for his happiness - all in her head.
What if I tell you she thought about liking A, decided on her own he won't like her, got sad/over it and projected her 'almost' feelings unto B.
So it looks like she is rooting for A and B for their sake or as a friend, but in actuality, she'd get to live vicariously through B. Pathetic ain't it?? Now what happens when she plays too much or over projects or deludes herself into believing she could let herself like A and see what happens??

This little dilemma is one of the main reasons I, and not she, keep the keys to our heart. Its too fragile for a repeat of last time for instance. 

1012: Remembering....

The Christmas Carol with Tommy singing 'Oh Holy Night'....
Toke crying non-stop, and for no apparent reason, saying she would miss everyone....
Mi giving Toke a kiss before she got on the bus to leave. We both looked at each other oddly....
Mi asking Zikora, for the millionth time, to tell mi what happened....
Nkem asking mi to buy her chicken, saying 'mumie this is the last chicken I'd eat before I go home'....
Mi thinking she was weird for wanting to eat chicken before PH, but getting it for her all the same....
Wale giving mi his number on a piece of paper, and mi doing the same....
Mi getting home and serving myself fried rice for lunch....
My mum's phone ringing....


Hell coming alive....


Mum saying 'the flight Ma'a was meant to take crashed....thank God she missed it'....
Mi asking mum what the flight no was, what the flight time was....
Mum getting irritated I keep asking....
Mi praying she would say a different time....
Mum figuring it out and trying to calm mi down....
Mi getting a call cause my number was in Wale's pocket....
Calling Angela and begging her to tell mi it was something else....
My heart racing because I knew....


The world as we know it now coming alive....


The last six years and how my feelings towards that day have evolved....
The last six years and wondering where you all would be today....
The last six years and smiling at the memories of the short time we shared....
The last six years and smiling at the silly fights we had....
The last six years and smiling and the things I've come to learn and accomplish cause of you....
The last six years and knowing many years from now, God willing, I'd smile with you and tell you all about the time I spent with you on the other side....


Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2011. 6 years after we mourned, we still shed a tear and think of you everyday....


Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk


Thinking of you yesterday, today and forever. In our hearts always
RIP

My love language

Saying it has been forever is an understatement, but wow. I think its a good thing though, no?? 
I used to run here for solace, so the fact that I don't write as much anymore could mean I've either grown, have less problems to deal with or maybe just gotten too lazy.
lol. Whatever the case, I am back I guess.


Just finished reading Dengeki Daisy. 
There are many reasons I love this manga, but I guess the main one is the fact that they wrote each other. 
I think I am weird (save your comments on that).
Unlike most people, I find talking to people a chore. I'd rather write it all. I mean ya sometimes talking is necessary and all that, but I wish people would write mi more than call for instance. I'd like to hear your voice once in a while, but it would be better to write to mi. 


Like with Ryo.
Don't get mi wrong, talking to him every sunday is actually fine. I understand that he is busy and its a huge sacrifice having him wake up at such an ungodly hour just to talk to mi cause of the time difference. I really do. Its just, I miss the emails. I miss the writing and the descriptions. 
Maybe I am just too lost in fantasy. Or maybe its the fact that am listening to some really suppy music right now. 
baa.


Oh I am in new Jersey now. New school, new place. It almost feels like freshman year all over again. But this time, I care less. Does that mean I've grown up more?? I am bored though. So very bored. Wish something random and different would happen in my life. Maybe I should get a kid, everyday would never be boring I think. lol. But no, life needs some spice.. Like how last semester's little drama occurred. Don't get mi wrong, my masochism doesn't extend so far that I enjoyed the pain I felt or want to relive it. But it was something you know?? I felt it. I was hurt, thought I would die from the lack of breath and the pain in my chest and all the hurt, but I felt it. 


In the time that it was occurring, all I could think about was the pain. But looking back, it was something different. I wasn't bored. It hurt and I felt like shit but it was something outside my boredom. Yes, contrary to what many people believe, he was not my boyfriend. In all logical sense I should not have been affected like I was by what happened. But then at the same time, my reaction was perfectly logical. I am not happy about the outcome, I mean regardless of appearances, I did loose him. But that was going to happen at some point, it was only a matter of time. Maybe if I want to be honest, I could say deep down, after all said and done, I was sort of relieved the reason we separated was not because of mi but because of him. It probably hurt just as it would have if I had been the one to cause the separation, but my secret was safe. Maybe I took the coward's way out, or maybe I was saved cause there was nothing I would have done about what I couldn't say or act on.


Ah, I deviated. 


I wish I could be more honest with my words. Maybe thats why I hate talking. Sometimes I feel like a compulsive liar. Too scared to say the truth and face the outcome, I'd rather write it out and not face the reaction head on. Idk if thats just a sad and pathetic excuse of a coward.


Anyway, I think I am getting depressed enough to need solace once more. So as my other half likes to say, ただいま。

Sitcoms

So I got betrayed. Yeah thats out the door.
Its too long a tale and frankly am tired of relieving it.
The problem I am having now is passing the blame. I have been fine blaming myself this entire time, till a friend scolded mi for that. Now I am stuck here wondering who is to blame for what happened then?? And then along the way I started thinking maybe its not as big of a deal as I played it out to be. Maybe I over reacted. Maybe I was hurt, but the level of hurt was totally my fault. Maybe the other party doesnt need to even apologize as much as it seems....Maybe all this while I made them feel bad and I am the selfish one.....
So many maybes keep coming, and all I want to do is crawl back into bed, back to sleep and wake up to find this has all been one long and very unfunny nightmare..... but I have come to learn the hard way that life doesn't ever go the way I want it to, and I just have to deal. Be a big girl and suck it up.


Friend said there is no comfortable place in life. If thats the case then I want out. I didn't sign up for that. I almost wish we were given a manual to read before we signed anything like 'coming to earth'. Maybe we could have opted for a different planet or something if we didn't like the terms of the contract. Just saying.


agreements.....


Sigh.


But it is fine. I trust too much I was told, so no more trusting. Just totally believing everything and not getting shocked when I find out it was not as I was told. If I didn't trust, then I did expect something to change and would not be too affected if it does. Its like getting a maybe from a performer. That means both yes and no. So if he latter calls and says its a no, you would be fine cause you were not relying totally on him. On the other hand, if he calls and says its a yes, then well thats good. You have a great performer for your show. Either way, the show would go on.


Just like now, the show must go on. And I 'd be right back after I crawl back under my blanket for a few more hours. 


Cheers

Faked

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night, all is alone.
Thus the echoes of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness of her heart.
And words to deafen the hallowing echoes from within.