Mi and Manhattan on the 16th

So I went to the city today, and for the time I spent there, the day, I was given a rather untraditional awakening to the reality of my relationship-status-situation. Apparently, mi not having a boyfriend seems to be a problem.
Let mi explain.
The day: Went to the city with a friend to get some work done. She then ditches mi to go see her bf in New Haven. That was part of the plan anyway and is not unusual. Anyway, I decide to walk around a bit cause there was no sense rushing back to Teaneck. Did I mention that said friend had spent the better part of the morning trying to explain to mi why she has been working so hard at trying to get mi a bf/to hook up with someone?? No?? My bad. 
Moving on.
I decide to go to the movies, randomly, and walk in. I got to the ticket counter and I said "A ticket to 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' please" (amazing movie by the way, I totally recommend it and am about to buy the books. haha). 
I digress. 
Anyway, the guy at the counter looks at mi and says "Girl with the Dragon tattoo, for 2?" And am like 'huh? (laugh) no' one pls.' He gives mi this "thats pathetic" look. 
lmao. I've always had a thing against watching movies alone, but this was a first for mi (and a fun experience might I add), so I didnt really begrudge him on the look. After all I was there once before. 
Anyhu, I sit on this empty row, only to be surrounded by couples, on all four sides, in a few minutes. Now I know there was some form of romance in that movie, but really now, it was no 'The Vow' or something, so why was it date night out all of a sudden?? 
No biggie. Enjoyed my movie, had my fun.
I got to the train station and am sitting down, this 50-60 something year old guy comes and sits next to mi. He says hi, I say hi back and we had some small talk. 
Then he asked where I was going. I told him Teaneck. And then he says "Oh, your boyfriend waiting for you?" (his 1st language isnt English). I laughed (at the irony that everyone picked today among other reasons) and said I dont have one. 
He goes "Why?" 
Now I would be honest, that might have been the hardest question I've ever been asked. And as hard questions go, naturally, I didnt have an answer. So I said, idk. And he says "What do you mean you don't know? Everyone always knows why" (Funny, I wasnt quite aware of that but ok....haha). 
Then he says 'Thats so sad'. lmao. At that point, with his tone, expression and etc, it really did sound like he was talking about mi having a terminal illness!! I had to laugh cause I've never really been told 'Thats so sad' to not having a bf.
And he wont let up!!
We got on the bus, he sat next to mi (naturally), and continued with the sadness of mi not having a bf, and other small talk topics. He also offered to help hook mi up with someone if I wanted (was nice enough to ask for my preference). 
haha. 
As annoying as the charade sounds, he was a nice and sweet old man, and was fun to talk to. Full of stories, when my singleness wasn't the issue, and all that. We parted ways after exchanging email addresses (by his request) and him promising to email mi (am assuming prospects as well....didn't get his words, couldn't understand). haha. He has no kids so I couldn't imagine him trying to pimp out his son(s)....oh and he thought I was of Spanish origin. haha.
All in all, a fun day in Manhattan. 

My love language

Saying it has been forever is an understatement, but wow. I think its a good thing though, no?? 
I used to run here for solace, so the fact that I don't write as much anymore could mean I've either grown, have less problems to deal with or maybe just gotten too lazy.
lol. Whatever the case, I am back I guess.


Just finished reading Dengeki Daisy. 
There are many reasons I love this manga, but I guess the main one is the fact that they wrote each other. 
I think I am weird (save your comments on that).
Unlike most people, I find talking to people a chore. I'd rather write it all. I mean ya sometimes talking is necessary and all that, but I wish people would write mi more than call for instance. I'd like to hear your voice once in a while, but it would be better to write to mi. 


Like with Ryo.
Don't get mi wrong, talking to him every sunday is actually fine. I understand that he is busy and its a huge sacrifice having him wake up at such an ungodly hour just to talk to mi cause of the time difference. I really do. Its just, I miss the emails. I miss the writing and the descriptions. 
Maybe I am just too lost in fantasy. Or maybe its the fact that am listening to some really suppy music right now. 
baa.


Oh I am in new Jersey now. New school, new place. It almost feels like freshman year all over again. But this time, I care less. Does that mean I've grown up more?? I am bored though. So very bored. Wish something random and different would happen in my life. Maybe I should get a kid, everyday would never be boring I think. lol. But no, life needs some spice.. Like how last semester's little drama occurred. Don't get mi wrong, my masochism doesn't extend so far that I enjoyed the pain I felt or want to relive it. But it was something you know?? I felt it. I was hurt, thought I would die from the lack of breath and the pain in my chest and all the hurt, but I felt it. 


In the time that it was occurring, all I could think about was the pain. But looking back, it was something different. I wasn't bored. It hurt and I felt like shit but it was something outside my boredom. Yes, contrary to what many people believe, he was not my boyfriend. In all logical sense I should not have been affected like I was by what happened. But then at the same time, my reaction was perfectly logical. I am not happy about the outcome, I mean regardless of appearances, I did loose him. But that was going to happen at some point, it was only a matter of time. Maybe if I want to be honest, I could say deep down, after all said and done, I was sort of relieved the reason we separated was not because of mi but because of him. It probably hurt just as it would have if I had been the one to cause the separation, but my secret was safe. Maybe I took the coward's way out, or maybe I was saved cause there was nothing I would have done about what I couldn't say or act on.


Ah, I deviated. 


I wish I could be more honest with my words. Maybe thats why I hate talking. Sometimes I feel like a compulsive liar. Too scared to say the truth and face the outcome, I'd rather write it out and not face the reaction head on. Idk if thats just a sad and pathetic excuse of a coward.


Anyway, I think I am getting depressed enough to need solace once more. So as my other half likes to say, ただいま。

She

Transfixed between earth and the after life,
The gate way: revered, feared, misunderstood.
She stands there, spread out, without notice.
She demands, she cares and all must fall in.


The whispers of her name ring across the world,
The tales of her powers are as old as God's first.
She can bring a nation to it's knees with one strike,
She can set freedom to the captives with one blow.


Tempting seductress, she entices many,
Taxing master, she terrorizes the rest.
She bleeds fear out from her pores.
She rides the world between her illusive hips.


There is not one who has or can resist her seductive melodies,
There stands one alone to have returned from her unknown.
She stands proud. Ageless, timeless, forever to be till she is undone. 
She is death, cold and divine.

Reservoir Chronicles: Him, Her

Her,
Breathing stops, heart races.
He is here.
Panic attacks, mask slips on.
He spoke.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Her,
Words flow, amnesia occurs.
He is communicating.
Sarcastic. Unapproachable.
He is listening.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Him.
Blank, void, unknown.
She knows him not.
Secretive, dubious. 
She never knows whats on his mind.
Trust-less, Ever doubtful.
She stands with a glass wall between them.
If your are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Them.
Caring, smiling, feeling, aching.
I guess their feelings are one.
Nonchalant, hurtful, unresponsive, doubtful
I guess their feelings are split.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Them.
Body united, no regrets.
Hearts separated, no obvious cause.
Minds bared, no answers.
Souls disturbed, no rest.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

Diabolical lover

In the wake of the night,
I saw.
The shadows illuminated my room’s sky,
Forcing my unwavering attention.
The soft fiery glow warmed my cheeks,
Yet I knew for a fact one touch would scourge.
Like the ever living fires of Hades.


He came to me.
In sleep or dream I do not know,
But he came.
The skies became the baby blue of dawn,
Yet he glowed and smelt as the twilight.


Gentle kisses he placed,
And I felt them like rain droplets.
Yet I did not touch him.
Plead and cajole he tried, Immortal none the less; I refused.
Relishing the power.


His eyes now grey,
I fear a storm cometh.
He placed a hand on my chest.
I shivered.
His hands burned and cooled as they moved.
A sensation I did not know to scream from or weep with joy.


He kissed me,
I tasted his lips.
He tasted of the sea, the dead sea.
My eyes flew open, the cock crowed.
It was morning on earth.


Night and day he torments me.
Leading mi up the torturous pleasures of ecstasy,
Only to leave me hanging at death's door.


Yet day and night I long for him.
Like the sex craved drug addict he turned me into.
Sodom and Gomorrah had the right idea I wish to say,
For he alone would drive me insane.

....Her letter to Mi....

Dear you,

I would tell you about my frustrations. About how I feel hopeless and impossibly useless because I cannot do anything for them who matter to mi, but sit and watch as they crumble in different ways before me. 

I would tell you about how I watch them cry in near fascination and despair, because while I want to ease their pain and help them, I still envy them simply because they are free to shed their tears. 

I would tell you about how pathetic my life has become. About how I have given up on personal 
happiness, a term I know no meaning to, and now depend on them, among others, for my happiness. Thus when they are unhappy, I am at a loss for both worlds are in disorder, as the life line saving both has been temporarily (we hope) severed. 

I would tell you about how I wish I could be with them forever. For then my fears of the dark and lonely minutes that accompany it would be eased, as I would no longer be alone. 

I would tell you about how I close my eyes at night with nightmares of the future. Afraid to stay awake for fear of my thoughts, I run to sleep and am slapped back to earth by the nightmares that plaque mi. So I wrestle with the gods of thought and dreams, until dawn comes and I have to resume as usual.

I would tell you about the terrors I feel, when I look into the vast emptiness that is called my future. No plans, no strict ambitions, not direction. Never has it been so empty, and never have I had to wrestle with the enemy called 'Unknown' for this long. There is no 'store away' box big enough to hide this and so I wake to this companion, ever faithfully, everyday. I would tell you about how their smiles and happiness and 'I love you's seem to redeem a part of mi, and I feel like I am....

....I would tell you all these things and more, but there is no you, and neither is there a thing to tell....nothing to tell, no one to tell it to....a lass forgive mi, for I have wasted your time....

She.

Lilith's Game

There once was a girl,
who lived under a spell.
She cried up a well,
but dreamt in a shell.

There once was a girl,
Who rolled down to a cell,
She prayed the guards would tell,
but got to rot in hell..

I once knew of this lady,
fair beauty, quite contrary.
Had the pure smile of a baby,
But the deceitful heart of the enemy.

I once knew of this lady,
who sang more beautiful than the canary.
Her laugh made the males crazy,
But with a blade she produced the grand finale.

There once was a creatress,
Who built worlds of lies.
Men poured in gold and blood at her requests,
While she watched their dieing hearts try desperately to rise.

There once was a seductress,
men named the destroyer.
For they built her a fortress,
while their hearts burned in fire.

The tale of he, Seductive Destroyer

Here lays the heart of that woman,
broken, battered, bruised and forgotten.
Here lays the soul of the man,
wasted, abused and in need of redemption.
They danced with love, child of fate,
and thus their tale of woe unfolded.

Here lay the tears of that woman,
Salty, in abundance, like the dead sea.
Here flows the blood of the man,
slashed in vengeance, the cold dish of revenge.
The fueled and listened to rumored lies, child of fate,
and thus their seal of doom now resounds.

Lilith's Tale

1. Once many moons ago I sat.
And in sitting, I watched.
The vast darkness was still,
Until a crow dropped through my window's door.
Disturbing the peace.
Startled.
2. Most disturbed was I,
for the dark bird was large,
that I had to scoot to accommodate its wings.
'Are you hurt?' I asked,
feeling obtuse as I did.
Startled.
3. 'A thousand years I have flown,
seeking rest from my master.
yet no human but you has asked
'Are you hurt?' in care of my well being.
Startled.
4. My winged visitor sat up,
And I could feel the royalty.
I saw the woman,
I saw the bird,
But never did I see one on its own.
Startled.
5. I got off my seat, not sure of my response.
Never had I faced royalty,
much less one with wings.
The winged guest smiled.
Startled.
6. It was beautiful.
A smile so serene yet captivating,
A smile not human, yet not frightening.
I took a step to it then asked.
'Master you say?'
Startled.
7. It retracted its wings.
The most painful sight I did see.
Then it spoke.
'If Lilith doth tell you a tale,
would the human be opposed to a house guest?'
Startled.
8. It had a name.
Once called the bride of Lucifer.
Once called the first born of the Devil.
Once called first bride to Adam.
And this wished to tell a tale.
I wished to hold....
Startled.
9. The guest walked to I, Lilith was it?
'The tale I know of is of a seductive darkness,
One owned by the destroyer.
should you doth hear, accompany me?'
Startled.
10. Bells of warning did go odd,
But of what they warned I knew not of.
The mystical beauty before me,
was like none other I had seen.
I had to have.
Startled.
11. 'A tale of what do tell?'
My voice hoarse with the flue.
Yes, the flu.
For that it had to be.
As the alternative was Eros,
My morality shot.
Startled.
12. Lilith the being smiled,
and took a seat in my stead.
For one fleeing a master,
mighty comfortable was she.
Startled.
13. 'What is thy master?
What is thy crime?'
Morality of mine, shattered.
'A tale and a house guest are welcome,
though one room alone exists' said I,
in a voice that was not I.
Startled.
14. Lilith smiled and patted her side.
To the floor went I,
like the eager lamb to slaughter.
Voice as silk as honey,
yet of what she spoke I know not of.
Startled.
15. Night to day, day to night.
Until at last time merged with delight.
Lilith the queen had a tale,
And I the sheep gave my ear.
Startled.
16. Wings grew, blacker by day.
Man shrunk, smaller by night.
Feet ached, I looked.
Is that a feather's tail I see?
Her voice calleth,
In silk it doth did, and I responded.
Startled.
17. Master's tale was over,
and now we must leave.
I remember there is something I had wished to do.
Something of a sinful pleasure too.
But there is a journey to ascend.
Master did spread her wings and to the sky we went.
Startled.
18. Once many moons ago I sat,
lost in thoughts till fluttering feathers,
my view did bother.
At my window flew a crow,
Clawing eagerly to get in.
With a smile I rose, and my curtains did I close.
Startled.
How silly. Never did I like crows.