And the Father will Dance....

For some reason, I recalled the song we sang in high school. Don't remember the rest of the lyrics, but I recall the tune. Not sure why I thought about it either. Been feeling rather out of sorts recently. One thing I'm grateful for is my ability to mask it all with a smile and laughter. Gosh I am an expert at faking, should get a degree.

Thats off topic though....not that there really is a topic.

So the song had to do with God dancing I think, or a father.... (well, can't be any other choice). I just read a blog post about SIDS, a friend of a friend lost her baby girl and this song popped into my head. So I went and googled the lyrics. As I thought, it is in reference to God - should have guessed since it was a chapel song - and it talks about being renewed by God's love. Talks about.... I'll just post the lyrics here:

Refrain:

And the Father will dance as on a day of joy He will exult over you and renew you by His love Verse 1: Shout for joy, all you, His people Sing aloud and exult with all your heart For Yahweh, your God is in your midst. (Refrain) Verse 2: You have no more evil to fear (2x) Do not let your hands fall limp For Yahweh, your God is in your midst. (Refrain) Verse 3: And when the time comes I will rescue the lame And when the time comes I will gather the strays And when the time comes I will be your guide I will gather you in and give you renown Among all peoples (Refrain) Final: He will renew you by His love
It probably has nothing to do with grieve or comfort, but it is what I thought about so thats how it is. I pray the souls of those little infants rest in peace, and God comforts and draws the families unto Himself. The worst tragedy a parent can go through is to bury his or her own child. The worst pain a child can go through, is to bury his or her parent before their time. I pray God's promise is fulfilled in all our lives. 
xo Mi

Random Again :)

I have no idea what I want to write, but I simply feel like writing so here I am haha. This might turn into a rant about absolutely nothing, but we'll see.

So I am currently in my parent's house. First time in 4 years. Being in the country feels more weird actually. Being here is nice, the house I mean. Its just mi, mum and dad for now, and I must say, its been a lot more peaceful than I expected.
I spend most of the time with mum - did I mention I'm driving now?? So anyway, driving mum around, experiencing the horrors of traffic in this state first hand. Horrors is really the only description.

Haven't really done much in the area of socializing. Those are know are far away and too busy (apparently, everyone grew up while I was away). Those around I'm too lazy to try to get to know (making friends is a chore....) so thats that. (Save your judging please lol).

Odd though, I do feel kind of lonely. I mean I feel like I'm missing someone or something. Not necessarily my friends, haven't seen them in ages (besides the the ones in Japan). But just....someone/something.

Moving again by the way.... super far away this time....

Actually, I think these 'lonely' thoughts began after that lady planted it in my head last time I was moving. If she hadn't asked (Don't you get lonely? Are you running away from something??) I wouldn't have had these thoughts I think....

Ok, now this is getting dark. It was meant to be random speech day lol. Time to leave it means hehe.

Cheers

xo

He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo

Japan: Last Moments

Today marks exactly a month till my departure from Japan. Japan has been my home in my heart for years, and in all sense of the word this past year. Living here this last year, has felt like being on a retreat. 

I've laughed, learned new things, discovered myself, learned to love myself and gained my confidence back.

I've learned I love living alone, but I hate eating alone. 

I've learned I think children are adorable, as long as they don't come in a mob.

To be honest, the thought of leaving scares mi. Worse than after SIU. I'm not only leaving without a firm plan in place, but the safety, seclusion and tranquility I've come to love about my home. The friends and family I've adopted. And the thought that I won't come live here again. 

But still happy to being visiting the many places lined up. 

Happy to have had all those experiences. 

And mostly happy God saw it fit to let mi experience it all. 

No Regrets. Ever. 

Vengeful

I run and run.
Faster.
Faster.
But it seems the farther I go, the closer she appears.
Mocking me.
Teasing me.
The vengeful wench.
Loving none.
Respecting none.
Fearing none.
She has the power to take.
And take she does.
Never satisfied.
Forever hungry, she takes.
She takes until there is nothing left to take.
And then she takes some more.
Laughing in my face.
Bitter.
Uncaring.
Faster.
Faster.
I run and run.

Home

If I was to honestly answer, I'd say yes. Yes, I miss home. 

I miss the people, I miss my things, my books, my life. 

They say 'home is where the heart is'. That would explain why my chest hurts. It's missing the heart. 

My heart is home. Only problem is home for mi, doesn't have one address. 

Home for mi, is where the people I love and miss are. Only problem is, they don't have the same country code. 

So it hurts. It's lonely. And sometimes like today, it makes mi want to cry. 

And the month ends....

Right now, I'd rather be mad at you than feel sad like I am. Cause being mad means I did't expect what you did, so it hurt. But being sad means somewhere in my heart I knew/suspected you would, wished you would prove mi wrong, but you didn't. It hurts even more. 

The truth is I really want to call you. I really want to hear your voice and talk to you. Well, more like listen to you talk, and seeing you happy. You're always happy, and that happiness always make mi feel better. 

But I can't. I can't because if I do, there are only two ways the inevitable conversation will go, and I hate both. Either you'd still not remember, which would hurt like hell; or you'd give some excuses that'd hurt even more. 

Did you know?? In years past, I always indirectly reminded you, for fear of you possibly forgetting. And now, the year I tried to have faith, you completely go as I feared. 

Lol. Someone seeing this may misunderstand, but oh well. I stopped caring a while back so....

Night

The month is finally over huh....was a long one.

Broken Record

There are some friends that make you feel like an addict and a begger all blended into one. 

An addict cause you feel the need to keep them in your life, you can't live without them you seem to think. Though unsaid, it's clear your more obsessed with their existence than they are yours. You try to quit them, but like a broken junkie, you keep relapsing. You try to stay away. 

'Maybe if I don't call this week, they'd notice and call mi'. Never happens. You barely make the week before you call; terrified that the silence would make you nonexistent in their lives. 

A begger because it seems you grovel for  their attention. You're ecstatic when they contact you on those rare occasions. Like Christmas came early and Santa chose you as 'Best Kid of the Year'. 

You beg them to keep in touch, all the while hating yourself slowly because you know they don't even realize what they are doing - the worst bloody aspect of the entire issue. 

Then they do something unfathomable. Like forgetting your birthday for instance. The one day you have always held dear; because no matter what, you know it is the God given day you can get your much desired fix. Your conversation with them. But they forget. 

With all the social media, you can't even find the usual excuses you make to justify their actions. 

They forget, and rather than being mad, you find yourself sad and disappointed. Mostly in yourself. It isn't a first - only before, you preempted the situation and performed damage control by reminding said person indirectly. 

Now you sit here wondering if 'friendship' is really the word to describe this dysfunctional relationship. 

You sit here, silently hoping they call - though it's been days. Cause like a love sick puppy, you'd forgive them anything as you both know in this relationship, you need them more. 

You know what I'm talking about, right?? No?? Well aren't you just the f'kn perfectly whole human?? 

Let the Little Children Come....

Most beautiful thing I've watched all day (link below). The only people on earth that deserve 100% happiness are babies in my opinion, because they alone can claim absolute innocence. They are too pure and beautiful to begin their lives tainted by the sting of abandonment. 

Definitely opening an orphanage some day. As soon as I can find a way to get an international location.... or just work for an international organization. That way, I get to help around the world, as I consider myself a citizen of earth.

Ok time for bed.... 

xo

The Drop Box (For babies)

Forgotten Fears

I walked into work today to find a note on my desk. The teachers asked mi to write about my JHS days. They wanted a fond memory, a shameful memory, a funny story, my club and my nickname. Innocently they had asked, but as soon as my eyes set on that sheet of paper, I felt a sudden fear grip mi. 

JHS for mi held no fond memories as far as I can remember. In fact up to SS1, I don't remember anything fond. But I believe thats because I had such a bad time and it clouded my memory. For some reason I posted a status on facebook, asking about JHS memories, and to my amazement, people responded with the simplest things. Things like visiting day, being sent by seniors on impossible errands, going on report.... I realized thinking about JHS doesn't have to be as daunting as I thought. I could still share some funny stories that happened to the general student body, without necessary depressing everyone with my less than happy almost attention-seeking-sounding tales. The things we learn daily still amaze mi.

xo