Today she tried....Cry for Help....

Today she tried to kill herself once more.
It hurt as the knife met her wrist, so she tried another object.
It hurt through that process still, but she laughed.
She laughed because for the first time in months, the pain let her cry.
She laughed because it was ridiculous that she had to hurt herself some more before she could cry from the internal pain.
It hurt, but the pain felt good. Good enough that she wanted more.


Today, for the first time in years, she tried to kill herself.
Yet today, for the first time, the knife wouldn't go in.
She felt so pathetic. Even in this, she had lost the edge and the nerve.
She felt so pathetic. Even in this battle, she had lost.
She laughed because despite her loss, she welcomed the pain.
She laughed because the physical pain brought relief to the emotional, how pathetic was she.


Today, she tried to kill herself once more.
Sadly, there would have been many who would have been hurt if she had succeeded.
Sadly, there would be many who would be hurt if they knew she had tried.
Sadly, she enjoyed the relief the thought of slipping away brought her.
Sadly, it all came to an end.


Today, she tried to kill herself once more.
The pain in her wrist, raw as before.
She wished she could have completed it this time.
But like before, she is still too cowardly to go the full mile....

Does that make mi Horrible??

In all my years, I have finally come to realize something. I am not good with distance period. Not just in relationships - boy/girl ish - but in general. With friends, family, humans in general....and I guess that is a bad thing. Its almost like 'out of sight, out of mind'. I guess its because a while back I got accustomed to the philosophy that everyone leaves, and to protect myself from getting hurt, I let them go as they do. Yeah I gather it is totally selfish of mi to do that, but at the same time, isn't everyone selfish in some areas?? Doesn't everyone who tries to protect him/herself have an element of selfishness in them to have that accomplished?? 

The question isn't if I am or am not right now, but if I want to do something about it. 

And my answer is I don't know.

For one thing, a relationship is a two way thing. So if you notice i am pulling away, albeit unintentionally, and you let mi go, doesn't that make my philosophy proven then?? But at the same time, there are those people who do try to keep in touch....but still I feel the relationship slipping away. 

But at the same time, there are those people who I have had a completely long distance relationship with, and we are still fine. So does that mean they are more important to mi?? I'd like to think not....

....Weird huh....

Mi and relationships is like going to see a good movie. Even though you don't want it to, at some point, the movie does come to an end. You walk out with mixed feelings. A little sad it is over, but then you smile as you remember the good moments. And though the movie is over, you will always smile when you think about it. Doesn't that mean the movie is important to you?? Does it make it less important than the series you watch continuously?? No right?? I mean they are both types of 'screen shows' but they are different. 

I dont know, I guess am rambling. Partly cause I thought of a few friends I have not kept in contact with and felt a little guilty. Also partly because I am at a cross road in life and everyone is looking at mi and waiting for mi to make a decision. And I am sitting here wondering if it is okay for mi to be selfish in my decision. I mean in my head I understand, but in my heart, I know I want to be selfish. I guess I learned the hard way already that ultimately, I control my own happiness. Shouldn't it be okay for mi to choose what makes mi happy, despite the fact that others might not like it??

Does that make mi a horrible person??

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The Girl Who Danced With The Snake

It struck as weird didn't it?? Her advocating for the new guy instead of d old. But thinking about it in this order might make some sense. 

Remember the A likes B but B likes C scenario?? Well this is more A likes B. B is dating C. And then there is her. Usually, she's not a fan of the underdog. But this time, she wants A to get B. Though the chances are slim. But that's all her vicarious living talking.
She has gone through the personal cycle of liking A (in normal people terms), getting dumped, getting over it and wishing for his happiness - all in her head.
What if I tell you she thought about liking A, decided on her own he won't like her, got sad/over it and projected her 'almost' feelings unto B.
So it looks like she is rooting for A and B for their sake or as a friend, but in actuality, she'd get to live vicariously through B. Pathetic ain't it?? Now what happens when she plays too much or over projects or deludes herself into believing she could let herself like A and see what happens??

This little dilemma is one of the main reasons I, and not she, keep the keys to our heart. Its too fragile for a repeat of last time for instance. 

The Door Way

What would it be like to hold death and life in your hands? To have a person in your arms, as they are dying. One minute they are there, the next minute, gone. The life leaves them while they are still in your arms. 
Do you feel it?? I mean is there a feeling that transcribes the hollowness that just became of that person?? Do you feel the empty shell as it looses its core, like you do when a bottle becomes empty?? Is there a difference in what you see or feel of the person one second while they are alive and the next after death??


If there was a difference, would you want to feel it?? Would you want to tell when the life is gone by the feel or rather remain in a state of unknown?? Granted its pretty obvious when a person dies, they stop breathing. But what else, aside from the heart and breathing, lets you know that life has left the building?? 


Doctors get a chance to come close to this, as they have life and death in their hands. But still, doctors never actually feel the life leave for the most part, right?? They don't hold the patient in their arms through the process of dying, do they?? So technically, they can only speculate. Sure they can tell you the feeling of loosing a patient but thats it, no??


I guess when it comes down to it, what I want to know is what does death feel like, without actually experiencing it of course. Not till I am old BGG at least....What does it feel like at the door. Not to die, but to feel death happening. 

Mi and Manhattan on the 16th

So I went to the city today, and for the time I spent there, the day, I was given a rather untraditional awakening to the reality of my relationship-status-situation. Apparently, mi not having a boyfriend seems to be a problem.
Let mi explain.
The day: Went to the city with a friend to get some work done. She then ditches mi to go see her bf in New Haven. That was part of the plan anyway and is not unusual. Anyway, I decide to walk around a bit cause there was no sense rushing back to Teaneck. Did I mention that said friend had spent the better part of the morning trying to explain to mi why she has been working so hard at trying to get mi a bf/to hook up with someone?? No?? My bad. 
Moving on.
I decide to go to the movies, randomly, and walk in. I got to the ticket counter and I said "A ticket to 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' please" (amazing movie by the way, I totally recommend it and am about to buy the books. haha). 
I digress. 
Anyway, the guy at the counter looks at mi and says "Girl with the Dragon tattoo, for 2?" And am like 'huh? (laugh) no' one pls.' He gives mi this "thats pathetic" look. 
lmao. I've always had a thing against watching movies alone, but this was a first for mi (and a fun experience might I add), so I didnt really begrudge him on the look. After all I was there once before. 
Anyhu, I sit on this empty row, only to be surrounded by couples, on all four sides, in a few minutes. Now I know there was some form of romance in that movie, but really now, it was no 'The Vow' or something, so why was it date night out all of a sudden?? 
No biggie. Enjoyed my movie, had my fun.
I got to the train station and am sitting down, this 50-60 something year old guy comes and sits next to mi. He says hi, I say hi back and we had some small talk. 
Then he asked where I was going. I told him Teaneck. And then he says "Oh, your boyfriend waiting for you?" (his 1st language isnt English). I laughed (at the irony that everyone picked today among other reasons) and said I dont have one. 
He goes "Why?" 
Now I would be honest, that might have been the hardest question I've ever been asked. And as hard questions go, naturally, I didnt have an answer. So I said, idk. And he says "What do you mean you don't know? Everyone always knows why" (Funny, I wasnt quite aware of that but ok....haha). 
Then he says 'Thats so sad'. lmao. At that point, with his tone, expression and etc, it really did sound like he was talking about mi having a terminal illness!! I had to laugh cause I've never really been told 'Thats so sad' to not having a bf.
And he wont let up!!
We got on the bus, he sat next to mi (naturally), and continued with the sadness of mi not having a bf, and other small talk topics. He also offered to help hook mi up with someone if I wanted (was nice enough to ask for my preference). 
haha. 
As annoying as the charade sounds, he was a nice and sweet old man, and was fun to talk to. Full of stories, when my singleness wasn't the issue, and all that. We parted ways after exchanging email addresses (by his request) and him promising to email mi (am assuming prospects as well....didn't get his words, couldn't understand). haha. He has no kids so I couldn't imagine him trying to pimp out his son(s)....oh and he thought I was of Spanish origin. haha.
All in all, a fun day in Manhattan. 

From Corner Shop #1

So at some point, in my mad state I presume, I thought I could run two blogs. Well, I obviously thought wrong seeing as running one and keeping it functioning is already work as it is. So I have decided to merge the two by transferring my posts from the other blog here. That being said, there is only one of such post, thank God. Here is one:

Hello, Hello....
So I glanced at my regular blog today and figured out, years later, that it looked more like a journal than anything else. Which is cool, except my journals tend to be super dark and gloomy. So I wondered, 'what would it be like to write a happy-go-lucky blog for a change??' I should say I am practically doing this because it is a dare and someone, no need to say who, said I couldn't do it. So, this is like an 'in your face' blog more like it. As for the Kawasaki in the background, trust Mi if I can find a way to make it a slide show of different bikes, I would pay tribute to them all. For now, it would remain as is. lol.


What to write about??
For starters, what the heck goes in a happy-go-lucky blog anyway?? I'll have to do some research into that. 
 I would tell a jolly story about my weekend though, since I have not really thought about anything else to write on here.


This weekend, for the first time, I lost an item while 'under the influence' as the adults say. My very fun randomized weekend quickly went to shit in my head Saturday morning, when I realized I returned home with less items than I left with. 
Basically, I misplaced my keys while I was wasted. I must say, that was a new experience for mi. Though my OCD self did remember where the keys were from the start, I still did not get them until today. So from Friday through Tuesday morning, I spent the time freaking out. But rather than really freaking out about the fact that I had no freaking clue what happened to my keys after I locked the door, I was more concerned about the fact that my OCD and said 'alter ego' no longer held up even when I got wasted.
For some people, this might seem silly, but for mi, it was a major problem. As far back as my drinking history goes, I have always prided myself in the fact that no matter how blacked out I get, I still maintain my usual routines: eg, bed time routines, safety routines, etc. I totally gave all the credit to my OCD nature and my 'alter ego'. Now the fact that neither could help mi with the location of my keys (which is something I always place at a specific spot before the night begins because I have OCD like that), led mi to worry that my friends might finally be right: I just might need an AA meeting. '


But no worries. Disaster was very much averted when I found my keys where I had recalled and even told my brother, in my wasted-ness, that they were located: In one of my girlfriend's car. 


Summary of this story is, I still refuse the title of an alcoholic. Would let you in on the new coined name for my 'condition' whenever I get one....lol

Game of Chance

That moment when you look down on the bed at her face and realize that there, bare and unprotected, lies your heart.
That moment when you suddenly realize, with fear, that she holds your life source in her fragile hands.
That moment hen you realize that with one squeeze she could crush your heart and cause you a unique kind of death experience. 
That moment when you realize you've decided to gamble and trust her with it anyway, because doing otherwise would be something you might regret. 
That moment when you ask her to keep it forever and she says yes, making your gamble all worth it.
That moment when you realize you might be more fragile than her, as you hold her heart in your hands. 

One Night Only

I met this guy,
He was cute, different, funny and not my type.
He loved another and thought I did too.
Which was fine cus I found it funny.
We laughed, we played, we hugged, he kissed,
And with the morning light, he was gone again.


We both said it won't work out.
We both said in a different life it might have been fun.
We both said we were both perfect.
We both knew not for each other.
We both agreed to go our separate ways.


But I did laugh while I was with him.
But I did say my mind with him.
But I did feel like we were on the same plane.
But I did help him with his problems as well.
And I did love him for one night only. 

1012: Remembering....

The Christmas Carol with Tommy singing 'Oh Holy Night'....
Toke crying non-stop, and for no apparent reason, saying she would miss everyone....
Mi giving Toke a kiss before she got on the bus to leave. We both looked at each other oddly....
Mi asking Zikora, for the millionth time, to tell mi what happened....
Nkem asking mi to buy her chicken, saying 'mumie this is the last chicken I'd eat before I go home'....
Mi thinking she was weird for wanting to eat chicken before PH, but getting it for her all the same....
Wale giving mi his number on a piece of paper, and mi doing the same....
Mi getting home and serving myself fried rice for lunch....
My mum's phone ringing....


Hell coming alive....


Mum saying 'the flight Ma'a was meant to take crashed....thank God she missed it'....
Mi asking mum what the flight no was, what the flight time was....
Mum getting irritated I keep asking....
Mi praying she would say a different time....
Mum figuring it out and trying to calm mi down....
Mi getting a call cause my number was in Wale's pocket....
Calling Angela and begging her to tell mi it was something else....
My heart racing because I knew....


The world as we know it now coming alive....


The last six years and how my feelings towards that day have evolved....
The last six years and wondering where you all would be today....
The last six years and smiling at the memories of the short time we shared....
The last six years and smiling at the silly fights we had....
The last six years and smiling and the things I've come to learn and accomplish cause of you....
The last six years and knowing many years from now, God willing, I'd smile with you and tell you all about the time I spent with you on the other side....


Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2011. 6 years after we mourned, we still shed a tear and think of you everyday....


Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk


Thinking of you yesterday, today and forever. In our hearts always
RIP