Sitcoms

So I got betrayed. Yeah thats out the door.
Its too long a tale and frankly am tired of relieving it.
The problem I am having now is passing the blame. I have been fine blaming myself this entire time, till a friend scolded mi for that. Now I am stuck here wondering who is to blame for what happened then?? And then along the way I started thinking maybe its not as big of a deal as I played it out to be. Maybe I over reacted. Maybe I was hurt, but the level of hurt was totally my fault. Maybe the other party doesnt need to even apologize as much as it seems....Maybe all this while I made them feel bad and I am the selfish one.....
So many maybes keep coming, and all I want to do is crawl back into bed, back to sleep and wake up to find this has all been one long and very unfunny nightmare..... but I have come to learn the hard way that life doesn't ever go the way I want it to, and I just have to deal. Be a big girl and suck it up.


Friend said there is no comfortable place in life. If thats the case then I want out. I didn't sign up for that. I almost wish we were given a manual to read before we signed anything like 'coming to earth'. Maybe we could have opted for a different planet or something if we didn't like the terms of the contract. Just saying.


agreements.....


Sigh.


But it is fine. I trust too much I was told, so no more trusting. Just totally believing everything and not getting shocked when I find out it was not as I was told. If I didn't trust, then I did expect something to change and would not be too affected if it does. Its like getting a maybe from a performer. That means both yes and no. So if he latter calls and says its a no, you would be fine cause you were not relying totally on him. On the other hand, if he calls and says its a yes, then well thats good. You have a great performer for your show. Either way, the show would go on.


Just like now, the show must go on. And I 'd be right back after I crawl back under my blanket for a few more hours. 


Cheers

She

Transfixed between earth and the after life,
The gate way: revered, feared, misunderstood.
She stands there, spread out, without notice.
She demands, she cares and all must fall in.


The whispers of her name ring across the world,
The tales of her powers are as old as God's first.
She can bring a nation to it's knees with one strike,
She can set freedom to the captives with one blow.


Tempting seductress, she entices many,
Taxing master, she terrorizes the rest.
She bleeds fear out from her pores.
She rides the world between her illusive hips.


There is not one who has or can resist her seductive melodies,
There stands one alone to have returned from her unknown.
She stands proud. Ageless, timeless, forever to be till she is undone. 
She is death, cold and divine.

Reservoir Chronicles: Him, Her

Her,
Breathing stops, heart races.
He is here.
Panic attacks, mask slips on.
He spoke.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Her,
Words flow, amnesia occurs.
He is communicating.
Sarcastic. Unapproachable.
He is listening.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Him.
Blank, void, unknown.
She knows him not.
Secretive, dubious. 
She never knows whats on his mind.
Trust-less, Ever doubtful.
She stands with a glass wall between them.
If your are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Them.
Caring, smiling, feeling, aching.
I guess their feelings are one.
Nonchalant, hurtful, unresponsive, doubtful
I guess their feelings are split.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??


Them.
Body united, no regrets.
Hearts separated, no obvious cause.
Minds bared, no answers.
Souls disturbed, no rest.
If you are not mine, why won't the butterflies seize??

Why Can't I Hate You??

Lets describe....short of words.....first time. Lol

Kill Mi quickly cause this slow shit aint cutting it. You won’t shut up, which is the only problem right now you know. Cause everything else I am used to, everything else I can take. But you just won’t Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Its not hard cause it was expected. Being observant is a bitch but hey, gives a girl a warning at least. Lol. So it was clear and accepted long before anything happened. Now we both know that, so why do you insist on going on and on about it?? Why won’t you just let Mi endure my hell in peace?? That’s unfair.

Hell is bad enough as it is, being there with you, now that is just the ultimate punishment.

Do I beg?? But that makes you happy doesn't it?? You get worse and there is nothing I can do about it....life is a lot better when I don't beg. 
Fuck it, who we kidding, I won't beg you even if it would cost my life....I guess we both know it, which is why we also both know I am doomed to this hell you have placed mi. 

Like it or not I may, but there is nothing I can do about it....so God help us both then....
someone needs to.... 

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

Unwanted....

I wish I was drunk. You would think half a bottle of vodka and about 4 bottles of ice would do the trick but sadly, I am still lacking....I am not pissed. Don't have a right to be. I feel.... more like I feel sick. Sick to the point that I want to throw up. Sick to the point I want to kill myself. Don't feel the need to tell the total reason why, so I would focus on what triggered this post.
Today the feeling came back. I walked beside her and I felt like pushing her into the road every time a car came by. Does that make mi bad?? I think I can say she is the first one I have had a Love/Hate relationship with.... Its not a 100%that I hate her, and its not 100% that I love her....I really am tired. lol.
Oh in case you were wondering, I am in Vegas.
Do I hate her?? No. I have managed to form one of those friendships which is based on 99% lies and 1% truth.... you know the ones restricted to women only....
At this juncture, I do hate myself and am going to bed.... night

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Reservoir Chronicles: The Real Mi

"Let me tell you about Mi" she said....

....I chase after something that I myself do not know....

....I have the ability to kill, and I know it....

....Everything about life is a game to me, you loose some, you win some....

....I like good boys because its a puzzle finding whats bad about them....

....I hate self sacrifice....

....I smile as a reaction to all things, no emotional change....

"Let me tell you about Mi" she said....

....There is someplace I want to be, though I don't know where....

....I hate it when people make a completely false image about me to me....

....I love boys because they are more complicated and fun to pick apart....

....I would go with you to any length, simply to see how far you would go....

....I don't like girls partly because I am one....

...I want someone to understand me, yet I don't want to tell anyone about me....

....I love fast things....

....I love 'happily-ever-afters' in others...

....I want someone to tell us apart, yet I don't want to give any hints....

....And as I stared and listened to her, I wanted to say....

There is a fire in your eyes,

and it flashes through your smile.

There is a radiance that i know only comes with my glow.

There is a reason that I'm here,

And its something that I fear,

We refuse to release the other,

And there in lies the problem.

The Illusion before you,

Is a mere shadow of what lies beneath.

The face you see,

Is a mere representation of what side it holds.

The voice you hear,

Is a mere cover for the true tales it tells.

The smile you behold,

is never loyal to one emotion.

Would you like to see the real Mi??

As would I.

Diabolical lover

In the wake of the night,
I saw.
The shadows illuminated my room’s sky,
Forcing my unwavering attention.
The soft fiery glow warmed my cheeks,
Yet I knew for a fact one touch would scourge.
Like the ever living fires of Hades.


He came to me.
In sleep or dream I do not know,
But he came.
The skies became the baby blue of dawn,
Yet he glowed and smelt as the twilight.


Gentle kisses he placed,
And I felt them like rain droplets.
Yet I did not touch him.
Plead and cajole he tried, Immortal none the less; I refused.
Relishing the power.


His eyes now grey,
I fear a storm cometh.
He placed a hand on my chest.
I shivered.
His hands burned and cooled as they moved.
A sensation I did not know to scream from or weep with joy.


He kissed me,
I tasted his lips.
He tasted of the sea, the dead sea.
My eyes flew open, the cock crowed.
It was morning on earth.


Night and day he torments me.
Leading mi up the torturous pleasures of ecstasy,
Only to leave me hanging at death's door.


Yet day and night I long for him.
Like the sex craved drug addict he turned me into.
Sodom and Gomorrah had the right idea I wish to say,
For he alone would drive me insane.

The Art of Boredom

The definition of boredom would be Mi, at this moment, sitting in an office space by myself with nothing to do. This is not meant to be the case though. And while I sit here pondering if I should be joyful or sad that my participants did not show up, I am also plagued with the ever living nightmare that this is just a glimpse into the everyday cycle of some people, i.e. 9-5ers, and I'm further reminded that there is no way in hell I would survive in their world. At least retaining my sanity.

Sometime soon, I am going to need to find a permanent solution to this seemingly life halting problem that plagues my 'daymeres' ever so often. But for now, my next participant is here, Thankest God, so I have to go work.