Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo

Quite a Level....Opposite

Re-read what I wrote on the last 'quite a level'. Must be a fun ride swinging back and forth. I did figure it all out, with the help of a friend. And I was upset, more hurt than upset. And I was, contrary to my expectations, upset at myself not others. It hurt and I cried. A lot. Not like I have in years. Then I woke up and it all....stopped.
Now, I guess you could say I am numb. You know when you've grieved and cried and hurt and then you are.... done?? There's nothing there, just numb.
It's not peace, but it's not pain either.
I've come to a general acceptance and now, I guess I'm just existing with the new found understanding. Taking the days as they come. Is this how the last of the 5 stages feels??
I'm not upset anymore. At anyone, myself included.
That is a good thing right??
I feel almost robotic in a way. Going through the motions but not really. Saying the right things (or what I think should be accepted in the moment). Not saying the first 10 things that come to mind (cause not everyone wants to hear that). Smiling when necessary, laughing (attempting to) where needed and speaking when spoken to (that way I don't say unnecessary things or think about unnecessary things either). Focusing on school so that way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander. And when it's all done, at the end of the day, all the mental activity leaves mi exhausted and I can fall into semi-unconsciousness. I don't sleep, at least not much. Just enough to keep mi alert and avoid dreaming.
I won't say it's an ok state to be in. I won't say it's a bad state to be in.
It's just a state.
xo

Thank You Note

At Church today, we were told to write a thank you letter to the new friends in our lives (not to be given to them so this is fine), because they are not accidental but designed by God. I had to laugh when the sermon began cause for a while I had been wondering if I was just having a solo tantrum without any audience. Turned out my Father was listening and he did have a response.
So in line with the challenge from church, here is the note:
Hi,
I would like to thank you for taking the time to try to get to know mi and be friends with mi. I know I have a lot of quirks, but I am grateful you are willing to stick around to navigate through them. I have learned that I didn't choose you as my friends, but God placed you in my life for a reason. I don't know what that reason is now, but I trust that His reasons are always for my benefit.
I am sorry if I have been taking you for granted (in anyway), and I hope to be a the friend to you that God wants mi to be.

Love,
Mi

xo

Quite a Level.

Irritated, pissed off, angry....a few words to describe my current emotional state. All masking the hurt I'm meant to be feeling I'm sure. I'm shaking, that's quite a level.
I really want to yell at something or someone right now. Or hit things....
Figured the entire thing out, and in the end, I'm annoyed. I guess that's better than depressed. I know for a fact I'm not annoyed at myself which is also a good thing. I think I'm also disappointed a bit. I should stop saying I have '3' friends cause clearly, I'm the only one thinking in that direction. Which is....mmmm....cannot describe the feeling in words.
Interesting.
These past few days have been an emotional up and down, and right now I'm at the point where IDGF anymore. I'm annoyed I was so affected I almost lost my head and let myself sink into some annoying sad zone. Now, I'm just done.
Stalking people, begging to be friends, etc., is a chore I gave up years ago. It's exhausting and brings about self-harm and  I don't want anymore of that.

Off to do something for mi cause that's all that matters right now.

Brothers are the Best

In the end, I talked to my brother. Not only was his reaction to my entire ordeal perfect - he laughed and congratulated mi on my imaginative skills, though it was put to an unexpected use - but also said all I needed to hear.
Talked to my god-brother yesterday and he too said about the same things - just stricter and in a more therapeutic sounding way lol.
I don't know how a life without brothers works, but I am glad I don't have to find out.

I also got the confidence to tell her about what happened. Funny, though I know there is a chance it'd probably end badly....or horribly, I'm not as terrified as I was before. Because in the worst case scenario imaginable, I'd still be fine.
Going to bed without some apprehensive feeling for the first time in days.

If I worried you, I am sorry and grateful too. It's been a like a roller-coaster the past couple of days, but I think its safe to assume the major loops are behind us now....

xo

All Good

So I had a near meltdown last night (explains the last post ><) but I think I'm back together now. Talked to a friend, got scolded and a good talking to. But most of all, I got a dx and an understanding of what I needed to do. 

It's not gonna be easy. I think this is the hardest ish I've ever considered taking on, but I've accepted the challenge. lol. 

So, from now till my birthday, (thats 80 days), I'd do a 'Who am I according to God' daily write up. Cause I need to accept myself for mi as I am, and not according to the distorted view of my mind. I also need to know that no one's automatic reaction is to run away from mi. And even if it is, it's not because of mi or who I am. 

lol

Just thinking about it is scary. Half the time, I feel like bursting into tears when something happens, cause the first thing I think of (these past few days have been so much worse) is that it's my fault. A very nice confirmation bias occurs (out of delusions too). But I want to try and fix this so hopefully, the happy days are not too far away. And hopefully, this process is a success. Read some of my previous posts. It's such a reoccurring theme year after year, it's quite depressing to read. The cycle always ends the same, but this time, it has to be different. I know I've said this before (annually it seems), but I really am tired. 

"This is my train and I run it. I accept and lead, I am mi"

Stage 5??

No. 

I'm not ok. 

Stage 5

Acceptance. 

At peace. 

I seemed to have breezed through the last three stages faster than I accepted. Negotiation in the shower, depression all through the stages, and now acceptance. 

I have accepted the situation for what it is or isn't. 

I won't say I am happy, just at peace. It is what it is and I can't change it. I don't have to like it, just understand that I can't change it. Isn't that what stage 5 entails?? 

I think Ace let up because it's a new place, and I turned out to be more fragile than anticipated. I would have shattered if the cycle ran according to the normal time course. Shattering now would ruin more than a simple 'I'm sorry' will fix. 

I would still need the fake smiles and laughter. I would still need to keep up with appearances. But the difference now is I know I would be okay. I know I would return to my proverbial norm. 

And in this knowledge, I am at peace. 

Curious. I still never cried. 

xo

To Sleep or Not To Sleep

I don't want to because it would bring tomorrow closer faster. 

I want to because it would put an end to today. 

I'm ready to return to 7 yesterdays ago.
Before this periodic cycle began. 

The 5 Stages

Stage 1 Denial
I think we covered that in the elaborate morning session I had where I tried my hardest to convince her, more so myself, that it wasn't true. The entire thing came as a shock to mi, I wasn't ready.

Stage 2 Anger
I'm mad at him. I'm mad at her. Then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way because it makes no sense. I'm mad at the unfair reality. I'm mad cause I know it is a world I have created myself. I'm mad cause I know its a self constructed trap I can't get out off. I'm mad because the founding emotion isn't even there this time. So there was no pleasant phase then despair. There was only numbness, then sudden slow, climaxing pain.

Stage 3 Bargaining
Not here yet, but I imagine this stage would/should be skipped entirely. There is nothing to bargain. There is nothing to negotiate. I know I would try to bargain with Ace, because that is how this drama always plays out. But it makes no sense because no one else exists in this fantasy nightmare, yet everyone has a part they unconsciously play. So bargaining we shall.

Stage 4 Depression
I imagine this is recurrent from Stage 1. I refuse to believe there is something worse than my current heart wrenching ache in store for mi. Maybe I can finally cry here. Maybe that's what sets this aside as a stage on its own.

Stage 5 Acceptance
The final stage where I return to the functioning china that is my norm. Seems a long way off since we are only in stage two. But then again, might progress faster the more torturous exposure I am dealt. One would think, from the way I am, that I have a masochistic streak in mi. Cause why else would I not try to at least separate myself from my nightmares? I always find a way to select the characters from such a tight knit circle around mi, that there is no option but to go through the motion and experience all 5 stages.

And yet I am even more disgusted because in view of all the problems people are facing in the world, this might sound like an annoying buzzing fly to someone else. So I keep it all to myself, place the perfect smile on my face, have the appropriate response ready and laugh when I need to. I can't let anyone in on this pathetic little nightmare I have myself trapped in.
Smiling through the tears that refuse to fall, I say adieu.
xo

Drowning

So I lied. 

I wasn't looking foward to the pain. I wasn't looking foward to the ache. 

I lied to her. Because it made her feel better and less awkward. 

I lied to her. Because it was a pathetic desperate attempt of mine to hold on to my denial. 

I lied to her. Because I didn't want to have to believe it was true. 

I can't hate her cause she's so innocent, it would have to be a sin. 

I can't hate him cause that's petty and it's almost a requirement of his specie so not his fault. 

I can't hate Ace cause that would be giving in and the level of depression that usually follows is beyond my current time capacity. 

I wish I could talk to someone and cry about it. But as pathetic as the situation is in my head, I'm sure it would be worse out loud. 

So I fake my smiles and laughter, and chuck the occasional 'miserable' look to work overload. I grit my teeth and try not to abhor the sound of his name from her lips. Or anyone else's.  

It's fine. I know it's a phase and it'll pass. I've been through this cycle enough to understand the routine. It's just, as usual, for once I wish Ace was wrong. 

For once I wish I could just breakdown and cry at the current phase and not till the explosion. 

For once I wish the cycle would be broken and I'd be free. 

Typical. I pick 'em with fascinating accuracy. 

She said I looked miserable today. How scared shitless I was that there was a crack in my mask. But she was out of her mind I doubt she'd remember. 

She said I had a guard up around mi. At least that's still secure in place. 

Home is a cell, outside a dungeon. Hard to find a place I don't feel I need to crawl into a hole for. 

For once I wish Ace was wrong. 

6 down.... 1 for every 4 yrs?? 

xo

These Words

The urge to come on here is getting greater and greater. That's not a good sign right?? 

Ace is at it again and I don't care. I think it's scary that I don't care. Cause I know the outcome, and it's nothing positive for mi. But I can't bring myself to be bothered. I simply walk pass all the dreams, imaginative stories and innuendos thrown my way. I see what Ace is trying, but I refuse to acknowledge this episode. 

Because that's what it is. An episode. I fall, it comes out, gets rejected, I wallow in self pity and condemnation while Ace gets a fix on my depressive self. That sounds like something that requires effort. 

I have no energy for all that. I have a limited amount of strength at the moment, and picking my battles is the only way to stay sane. The problem now is, why did I automatically rule this out as a battle worth fighting?? I steady assumed an outcome, why?? I already accept I'd cry at the end of this, and I already plan on it. I'm not even making an effort to change that outcome. Weird?? 

I think that's frustrating Ace. Slowing down the process. It's no longer fun teasing someone when you get no reaction. 

I'm just sad I've gotten to the point of having no reaction. 

xo

No Words....

How I wish the non-existing conversation would go:

You: Are you upset??

Mi: Yes. But I'm more upset because I texhnicay can't say it's all your fault. 

You: Sorry this happened. 

Mi: It's fine....

Basically an acknowledgement would have been all I needed. 

Idk maybe I'm more sensitive to this entire affair cause I'm stressed and this was super close to the brim - right before 'my cup runneth over'. I mean I know it's bad when the thought of ice cream makes things worse not better. I'm afraid this might make mi act weird when I know I shouldn't. It's too soon, not that serious and leads to unnecessary awkwardness. 

I know. 

I get that in my head. 

Argh. 

I think I need to de stress from school. Though I can only see a mounting frustration in the coming weeks then an explosion. 

There is of course also that Dev psyc fear at the back of my head. That's always fun. 

I want to vent. But I don't know how, where, to whom or what to say. The pots at that annoying phase where it's not boiled but boiled at the same time....