Mi, You over Tea

It's weird. People haven't changed.

"And yet you're still trying to find yourself."

That supports my statement. People haven't changed. 

"You've been searching and still are. I wonder though...."

Yes, I know. I know what you want to say and ask. 

I know. And the answer is, I don't know. 

I honestly don't know. 

"What's wrong??"

I want to stop. I want to be okay now. 

"You want to change then??"

Yea I guess. But I don't know how. 

"What happens if you just let go??"

....

"I know. I've asked this before."

....

"Same as last time I see."

You make it sound so easy. I don't know how to let go.

"Embrace the fears."

And if I fall??

"That's one of the fears."

....

"Besides, how bad can the fall be??" 

I don't know. That's why I'm afraid. 

"Embrace the fears."

Will you be there?? Will you be there with me??

"For as long as I'm needed."

That answer troubles mi. 

"I won't abandon you. Ever. But I do hope you need mi less. At least for things like this."

I don't know....

"Start small....and if that small falls, move to another small."

Ok. So who am I now kind of small??

"Smaller."

Hobbies??

"Sure. Let's do that."

....

"26 sounds like a fab year...."

10/12(2): Our Angels

10 years have gone by, but the memories remain. 

Echoes of the laughters, whispers of the smiles. 

Thoughts of the tears, glimpses of the emotions we shared together. 

10 years have gone by, but the ache still remains. 

Sometimes more gnawing than the last. 

Sometimes faint, like the hint of an old wound now numb. 

10 years have gone by, yet the love remains. 

Glowing in the midst of all the turmoil of emotions.  

Like a beacon, guiding our path as we proceed forward. 

10 years have gone by, and still we remember. 

The good times, the bad times, the ugly times. 

The make ups, the break ups and the stand stills. 

10 years, and in his arms you have remained and will continue to remain. 

10 years asleep.

10 years at rest. 

10 years with our Lord, sleep well our angels. 

Sleep well. 

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2015:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

10/12 (1): 10 Years in the Future

Every year on Dec 10th, I write a tribute to the 60 angels, and to the other precious souls who lost their lives on Dec 10th 2005 in the Sosoliso plane crash. Every year, I talk about what I remember them as, what I hope for, what I feel, what I think about them.... Every year, I am filled with a number of emotions, mostly melancholic, sometimes bitter-sweet. Now, my bitter-sweet brew also has a dash of anger, or is it deep rooted sorrow?? I can't quite place the emotion.

See, my best friend, one of the only two survivors of that plane crash, returned to the country for the first time in 10 years. She arrived at the airport and sent pictures. At first, I wasn't sure of what I was looking at. I didn't read the message she had sent along with the pictures, so I proceeded to ask her what she was doing around abandoned buildings and tents. She then responds telling me that was the international airport. The pictures I was looking at, were not pictures of random places in town, but of parts of a country's international airport.

I'm not sure if my sadness right now surpasses my anger, or where the line between the two is drawn. I'm not even sure if there is a line any more. My heart breaks as I think and try to convince myself that there is still a chance for a change to occur, even as the country continues to rotate within the circle it has continued to spin in since its formation....

I'm not sure how I feel or what it is I want to say, so I will leave this train of thought incomplete.

....To be continued....

xo

Free Falling in a Cage.

Act 1: #Snap
So she met a guy at a lounge a few weeks back. He is funny, interesting, and a great conversationalist. He has goals he wishes to achieve and a game plan to get there. All round, a pretty awesome guy.
He is however different on several, albeit, very important factors, religion not excluded. Sex is off the table for her (for multiple reasons). Sex is very much on the table for him. And while he says he doesn't mind just hanging around and making out, it's difficult for her to not feel bad getting him started and not following through. Not bad enough that she would compromise her values (which he, ironically, respects), but bad enough that she doesn't want to continue. Which brings about a dilemma.
See, he is emotionally unavailable. Which, curiously enough to strangers, makes him safe and completely perfect. Because emotionally unavailable means he isn't looking for a relationship or anything that requires her to feel more, get an anxiety attack, or face her inner daemons.
But then there is her morality and religious stance. Her shackles if you will, which negates any form of 'free fun' usually characteristic of someone who is more comfortable with a guy who is emotionally unavailable.
So ideally, she is stuck in between both worlds.

Act 2: #Snap
She mentally goes through her friends list. People she talks to about all this. She finds the one person she absolutely wants to share this with, and brainstorm with. The one person she thinks would understand her. But then she is faced with two problems. That person is long gone, and the one who took his place is so wrapped up in his own life issues, he has no place for her. That person isn't in the frame of mind to laugh with her, listen to her, talk to her or be there with her.
The replacement of the person she lost, even if he didn't have all the current issues to deal with, would not have the right responses. There is something missing, something different. Feels like the ghost or shell of the friend she had is presently occupied by this new and evolved being she doesn't recognise.
Sometimes she thinks, did she imagine him?? Did she put him up on a pedestal, like we know she is prone to doing, and when he fell off, it felt like she was meeting a new person for the first time; but this 'new person' is in fact who he really is and has always been, rather than the pedestal dweller she created? (run-on sentence, I know).

She is grateful she will be out of town for a month. She hopes that in that time, the completely safe and perfect guy would move on and have a more willing and appropriate dial-up buddy. This way, she can avoid the confrontational meeting that looms in the silence. The one that will inevitably project her as an overly emotional person, over thinking situations and trying to force him into something. Hilarious using the words 'overly emotional' to describe her.

Cause wouldn't it be just perfect that she, ever fearful of emotions, turns him, emotionally unavailable, suddenly wanting to pursue something with her.

I shudder to think of that version of reality.

xo

The Wonderer

.... It returns .... 

Like an unappeased spirit, it goes and returns. 

Taunting mi. Beckoning mi. Cajoling mi. Taunting mi. 

It watches. 

Never far away, silently mocking mi. Waiting. 

It leaves, and for a moment, the rush is back. 

I feel it in my veins. 

I can breathe. 

I am free once more to chase the high. 

The high that continues to elude mi. 

The high it lets me get close to but never attain. 

Then it returns. 

Taunts mi. Mocks mi. 

I sit in the fog and wait till it leaves once more. 

Wait till it is bored of mi once more. 

Till it is ready to move again. 

Then my peace returns and the wonderer resumes. 

I sit and wait. 

.... I sit and await the return of the fickle mistress ....

The Secret and Pandora's Box.

I can keep a secret.

I can as long as it isn't about mi. 

Then, I inevitably loose the ability to stay quiet. 

Maybe it's because secret worthy affairs occur so rarely in my life, I feel the need to share. 

Like a desperate way of saying 'hey pay attention, I'm not not special. I'm not that boring'. 

I hear myself talking. But like a broken dam, I can't shut up until it is all out. 

Of course, like clockwork, the regret begins as soon as the first word leaves my mouth. 

I want to stop.
Not everyone has to know. 

It's okay to not stand out. I
t's okay to keep somethings inside.
It's okay to have no story to tell. 

I understand this.
Truly I do.
But I don't know how to stop. 

xo

Moth of Butterfly??

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." 

- Chimamanda

In my last and final therapy session, we talked about my RED, and how, regardless of what I hear about myself, I still feel larger and bigger than what is probably reality. The first line of the statement above could not be truer with mi. Somewhere in life, at some point in time, it became ingrained in mi to believe that I needed to and should be smaller. Occupy less space. Not stand out. Not over shadow. Granted, when I was younger, my way of attaining this position stemmed from mi developing a RED. This soon morphed to include the distorted belief that my presence is also overwhelming, and needs to be more contained. Because as a girl, as a lady, I am meant to be smaller and in the background. 

Why??

I guess the answer to that will be the next step in removing mi from this twisted web of oxymorons I have been trapped in.

Culture, Religion and Psychology

I currently am a part of a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program, where models that stress individuality and the culture of a person, like the 'ADDRESSING' and 'RESPECTFUL' model, are emphasised and verbally emphasised. At the same time, I am highly, and sadly, amused at the level of judgment and prejudice that comes up, predominantly against religion, but also against a majority of cultures considered 'not first world' or 'not modernised'.

The cultural aspect I can chuck up to an overall lack of knowledge, exposure and awareness. If your knowledge about another culture is not based on first hand knowledge to a certain extent - and by that I also mean interacting with individuals from that culture - but solely on what you see in articles written by individuals that are not a part of that culture, yet you choose to insist that your view is accurate than that of a member of the culture's, because yours is 'research based', then that is a lack/personal choice to be ignorant.

The religious aspect, that I find unsettling. It seems like there is an unspoken requirement, and a general endorsement to question/remove 'God', or the idea of religious beliefs from psychology. This is different from the concept of spirituality, which is very well embraced, most especially if its in the concept of meditation et al. However, everything in connection to religion is talked about from a judgmental stand point, and I sit listening both baffled and saddened. How and why is having faith in God a negative factor to mental health?? Why and how is being able to recognise that while there are problems associated with psychology, there are also issues that are spiritual in nature something that makes you 'superstitious' and therefore, 'not realistic'?? The message I get here is you can be a psychologist or have a religion, but you cannot be/have both. Laughing at the idea of 'exorcism', and chucking it up to 'superstition', can we still say its a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program??

And I do recognise that since I am trying to be as de-identifying as possible, some of my statements might sound judgmental and off base, but for those who know the background of where this is coming from, it might make sense and be kinda on base.

Ok, end of rant.

xo

Existential crises??

For the past few days, I've been feeling off. It's been feeling as though I don't know what I'm doing all this for anymore. Not quite that either. 

My BFF said its cause I get super invested into things I'm interested in, and then I get bored and want to move on cause I can no longer get the 'high'/ pleasure I envisioned. Which is a fact. 

Only this time, I got invested in a 5yr contract thing. Now, I'm stuck. 

It's not that I don't want to finish the program. It's that I want to get that rush of passion again, but can't even for something else cause I don't have time. I'm constantly thinking, what have I been doing with my life?? Any toast in my name will be quite academic only. That is very, very disappointing to think of. There is also the fact that the debits to my account have been increasing, and I can't really see the returns. Not earning my own, still living as a dependent, it's hard to not wonder if it's worth it. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark of my own house and wondering, what's next?? 

Companions vs Friends

'In America, what we mostly have are companions....a friend is someone you can call at 2am and not feel guilty; someone you can turn to when something goes wrong....'

Finally, it clicked. 

Being in Cali for over a year, I've struggled with this. I could not understand what was wrong, or why the idea of friendship I grew up knowing, wasn't making sense here. I spoke to my therapist a number of times about this. Telling her everyone I meet makes mi feel lonely because they don't feel like friends. Her response has always been, 'well there are different kinds of friends. You have friends you do your nails with; friends you study with.,,,' but that explanation never made sense to mi. Why are there different types of friends when there is only one definition?? Why have I never encountered this before now after all these years?? 

Because for the first time, I am finally experiencing America. They say Cali is the 'real' America; because it embraces the real culture of the country. Being an individual; looking out for the 'self'; having boundaries; land of the free. 

Rather than lonely, this realization made mi both relieved and sad. Relieved because I can finally accept 'it's not mi'. Sad because this is it. 

My friend once told mi 'if you stay here too long, you'll loose yourself'. So the battle against that is on. 

I came to the realization a while back. But having a term for all this....I have many companions here, friends however....

to be continued....

Facing Fears: Paddle Boarding + 100 Days Rekindled

Today, I went paddle boarding.
For those who don't know, that is basically kayaking on a surf board.
For those who know mi, you reaction right now is very appropriate: Really?? Where?? Are you kidding?? On the ocean??
Yup.
I didn't know what it was when I signed up (note to self, always ask before you say 'yes'). For some reason, I assumed it would be some version of kayaking, and on a lake.
Needless to say, it was a scary experience.
The moment we arrived at the harbour, I kept asking myself 'why'. I spent a lot of time praying and begging God (for what, I can't tell you right now).
Looking back now, I can see how and why people will and do enjoy the sport. If you are one for the ocean, it is pretty calm, a version of free falling if you will, if you let the gentle waves take you and your board calmly. Unfortunately and sadly I think, I was too scared and focused on my fear to enjoy the experience.
I did well, in the sense that I didn't fall, and I paddled out and about for an hour fifteen minutes total. But unlike my friends whom I went with, it felt more like P.E homework or a dare (where the alternative was much worse) than a fun activity. I was focused on getting there and getting back.
I did learn that I have a lot more phobias and restrictions than I thought I did. Makes me feel high maintenance, which I've spent a majority of the day struggling to convince myself that that doesn't denote a 'bad' thing.
Added to that, is the 'complaining' factor. Because I was terrified, I spent a lot of time talking about my fears and concerns. Apparently, at one point, it started to come off as mi saying my fears were more important to others (not once did that thought cross my mind), to which, at one point, a friend sarcastically commented saying 'yes you're fears are more important than others'. That was never my intention - making anyone think that way. But then I also realised, maybe I have gotten too comfortable/'trusting'. Complaining to anyone usually meant I have known said person for years, and I am at the point where regardless of how I phrase things, I have a higher chance of not getting misunderstood because he/she understands mi that well. I don't think I can successfully convince myself that being high maintenance and complaining a lot don't denote 'bad' things. So I've decided to rekindle the 100 days.
In general, the day was quite exhausting - physically and emotionally. I intentionally put myself in a terrifying position, and no, I was not comfortable. But I am glad I was able to complete it successfully.
Would I do it again, very very doubtful. Maybe in a lake lol.
xo

New House :)

I forgot to write this when I moved, but I finally moved!!
It has been two weeks, and I love it....almost to a fault. Having my own place, with my own decor and level of cleanliness feels amazing. A part of mi already wishes I had gotten a one bedroom, or could afford to keep the 2 bedroom alone, but that is only because it allows mi to isolate/hibernate on my own. It allows mi to have my own world outside of humans. But I know and understand this isn't good for mi....in the long run. lol. I already have to make myself leave the house daily as opposed to stay home and in bed.
People can be exhausting lol.
But yea, moved, love it and almost finally unpacked.

xo

Fairytales: The Ballad of Lovers

She looks over at him, and he turns to her with a knowing smile.
He looks over at her, and she turns to him with a knowing smile.
The breath in him is the reason she breathes.
The breath in her is the reason he breathes.
Suffocating together.
Suffocating apart.
Suffocating.
Suffocating.

He touches her hand lightly, and she hears the words in his soul.
She touches his hand lightly, and he hears the words in her soul.
The words from his lips are the reason she moves.
The words from her lips are the reason he moves.
Paralysing together.
Paralysed apart.
Paralysing.
Paralysed.

They hold each other and watch as the sun rises, life feels complete.
They hold each other and watch the stars fall, forever now complete.
Picture perfect, like they dreamed, yet so fragile.
People's envy, like they do hear, yet so fragile.
Secluded together.
Secluded apart.
Secluded.
Secluded.

To stand and stare at their love from the outside, breath taking.
To stand and stare at their love from the outside, terrifying.
Their love's existence, inviting.
Their love's existence, acting.
Reality or fantasy.
Fantasy or reality.
Real fantasy.
Real fantasy.

Lost

I'm unhappy.
This is something I can actually admit.
Even though I smile and laugh with people around, I truly feel unhappy inside.
I can't for the life of mi tell why.
Sure there are things I want, everyone has those.
But nothing so serious that I need to be sad about.
I fight feelings of loneliness, yet I'm surrounded by many.
I fight feelings of failure, yet I know I am not close to one.
I wake up almost daily with a feeling that something vital, something important is missing.
Something so important I feel lost without it.
Maybe it's because there is so much i want to do, yet I feel trapped.
Trapped.
That caged feeling is slowly creeping back in.
I want to free fall.
I want to be un-trapped. Unlocked. Found.
I'm so tired of this back and forth.
Almost feels like this was this wrong place....

Why??

Why am I sad right now??
Why do I feel like I need to cry for a few hours to feel better??
Why does it feel like I can't use my words right now??
Why does it feel like I can't be understood right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to hold mi and tell mi it's okay to cry right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to be here and not understand but be okay right now??
Too many emotions, and all I want to know is why??

Hellos and Goodbyes

Chances are you're never gonna read this, which is fine. Probably why I'm writing this. There are two 'yous' in this equation, but I'm too lazy to do more than one post. Of not enough for two so I'll make this one long enough. 

To the first you,

I love you. Way more than I need to or than for my own good. But I do. It's the kind of love reserved for family. Where no matter what happens, no matter what goes wrong, blood (or in this case bond) makes us inseparable. This means I am more likely to get hurt. Why?? Because you having the same level of emotion for mi is doubtful. This means I want to hurt you sometimes like you hurt mi, just to see how you react. But aside from the fact that I am not wired that way, I think I will be more hurt than you will ever be. But maybe that's just my insecurities talking. 

To the other you,

I haven't known you well enough for you to do this to mi, but yet here we are. The last time I was here didn't end well, so this time, there are only two possible reactions. If we were closer, I will be more terrified because the situation will be mi holding my breath for fear of your eminent departure or demise. But we aren't. It's evil that you think it's okay to treat mi this way just because you feel like it. It's sad that you don't care enough to even bother to tell mi what's wrong. It's annoying that you think you matter enough to get away with all this. But I'm too tired to spend my time giving a shit about every Tom, Dick, Harry and Clare. If I did I know, from experience, that's a shitty life. So we are done. 

I want to be happy. I need to be happy. 

xo

Mi

Pick Your Poison

We all have one, the best way to live is to aknowledge that you do have one. It's easier when it's a substance, harder when it's human. Humans are unpredictable. Humans are annoying. Humans are emotional. Humans are a handful.

I don't like the roulette it seems humans require when it comes to emotions. I don't like the fact that you get addicted to having one around even when they become toxic for you. 

It's easier to kick a habit when there are more negatives you can tell yourself of than good. It's harder when the habit lives and breathes. 

I hate my habits. 

I hate them because I am that addict that gets overly addicted. 

I can't quit no matter how I try.
And the worst part is, the addiction isn't addicted too.

First Step.

I'm not numb.
Sometimes I think I'm angry.
Other times I think I'm sad.
Most times, I'm afraid to think about how I feel because I don't know....
When you are mad, you yell at someone.
When you are sad, you cry or let it out at someone.
But if you don't let yourself feel these things in relation to a person out of fear,
thinking about it, thats unfair to the person.
So you are both wrong.
Making someone how to prove the existence of your relationship to you, out of fear,
That's exhausting and also unfair.
I started this off thinking I don't want to feel or face how I feel because I'm afraid.
The old mi would have stopped there.
But now, I'm putting myself in the other person's shoes.
if someone I think I'm close with constantly doubts that and wants proof, how will I feel??
Shitty is the answer.
So, in this case, we are both wrong.
One wrong for breaking the other's trust.
The other wrong for not facing how she feels about the trust-breakage completely.
Acknowledging is the first step, now on to the next.

xo

Mi

Waves in Motion

Today, my first year of five years came to a close. I passed all my exams, some to my surprise I must say. This year has been quite the rollercoaster. I learned, discovered and confirmed a number of things about myself. Some of them I was happy with, others not so much. I found friends, made friends, stumbled upon friends and lost friends. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to confront things I wished I could have continued to avoid. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to grow up in areas I still struggle with. It was hard, and I probably could have found an easier way to survive, but I believe God made it this way so I had to go through the year and experience the things I did the way i did.

The first unique thing about this year was the fact that I experienced culture shock for the first time in my life. I've lived in this country for years, but I had never felt like a foreigner until I got here and that was really hard to learn to deal with. But deal with it I had to and deal with it I still am. I learned a lot about people, some things I didn't like, others I'm learning to live with, and yet still, others I completely cherish. I learned a lot about myself. For instance, I am extremely shy and awkward around the opposite sex. I am most comfortable in my own company. I love driving big cars. I love practical assignments, suck at multiple choice. I get easily anxious when I am away from God. I love flirting but I'm terrified of commitments. I cherish the idea of living alone....the list goes on.

By the calendar, the second year starts in the fall. However, officially, the second year starts next week. We start seeing clients, we start making a difference. There is so much I want to achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I can achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I am going to/am yet to achieve and do and see and be. I know God has been with mi, despite my wandering habits, all through this year, and he will be with mi in the times to come.

So  here is to the end of a unique and wonderful year. Here is to the start of a new phase in a new chapter in my life I am finally slowly settling in to. Here is to the future, because the best is yet to come. Here is to the past year, because it has made mi who I am today, or at least contributed to who I am today. Here is to the waves in motion, which continue to change as the tides come in. Here is to life.
Here is to mi. I made it.

xoxo

It's the Little Things....

I'm not sad or depressed about it.
It is what it is. People come, and people go. It's hard but it is what it is.
Even more upsetting, is when the individual is still physically present yet gone, and is unaware that he or she is gone. Or at least appears oblivious.
It's the little things you know. Breaking promises. Not responding to texts. Forgetting to call.
Once, it's okay. Twice, you're busy. Back to back to back to back....it becomes a problem when there is a sea of green or blue in the chat box, infrequently interrupted by few three or so worded sentences sprinkled around.
Then the faulty thoughts creep in.
Did I do something wrong?? I'm I a nagger?? Is he/she mad at mi?? What's going on?? Is it just me or is this happening to everyone too??
And the list goes on.
Ignore it you say??
That's easy for someone with ego strengths. In that case, the thought process never ever occurs, and life goes on.
For the alternative, there are three options. Dwell on the thoughts, let it go or try to assess and deal with it. Both the first and last option require time, energy and effort that currently eludes mi. So I am currently choosing to go with the second option, let it go. To be more specific, ignore. I figure the longer I do, the less it would bother mi and the more likely the feelings would either fade away or regress.

Relief??

Is it odd that I was more relieved when I found out being unfriended occurred a long time ago as opposed to recently?? I can't explain why, but the idea that we haven't been friends for a longer time leans towards us getting better (though its the two steps forward, one step back routine) as opposed to just beginning the dance. 

I found it amusing though that everyone else knew this has happened around when it did, but mi. I really worked hard to not care and succeeded. But now, I want to work hard to not care without being negative. 

If you don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all. 

xo

Alive, Sorrys and R.I.P

Today, I realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. I don't know how long this has been the case for, and ironically, I don't know who unfriended whom. I say this because there was a time I wanted to delete you from my life entirely, so there is a chance I did that then. There is also a chance you did the unfriending, in which case, anytime in the last couple of months will be a fair guess.  

What struck mi wasn't the fact that we were no longer friends, (as that has been evident for a while now), but how petty and unchristian I have been about the entire ordeal. True, I transitioned from being mad to disliking to not carrying to being neutral where you were concerned. But I was mean in the things I said about you. 

For that I truly am sorry. 

It's not that I want to 'fix' things or become friends again. I don't think our personalities align for that or that it is necessary. But the negative comments were uncalled for and for that, I am sorry. 

How you choose to live your life and what you choose to do really are not my concern or for mi to comment on. We are strangers who go to school together to be fair. I can't comment on the things you do because I don't know you. 

So I am sorry for everything this far. Quite certain you won't see this. Quite certain there is no point talking about this. But I do promise, to myself and God at least, that if I have nothing good to say, I won't say anything at all. I sincerely wish you well here on out, and I hope this reflects in my attitude and behaviour as well. I'm not doing this for you, but so I can look myself in the mirror and be okay. 

xo

Learning Again

Learning to see aspects of myself I don't like, but not let it affect how I feel about myself. 

Learning to see character flaws in myself, and not automatically assign the 'bad' label as usual. 

Learning that I can work on mi, without the bonus of condemnations. 

Learning that it takes time, and I will need to learn patience with myself along the way. 

Learning that friendships come in different forms, and that not everyone is a 'close friend'. 

Learning that just because someone isn't a close friend, doesn't make the person an enemy either. There are friends for different seasons, levels and situations. This is also fine. 

Learning that not everyone you want to be friends with will be friends with you. 

Learning that the more you talk about others, the more alone you get. Lonely is fixable, alone is almost not. 

Reset

For a while now I've been playing the blame game,
Shifting it far away from myself.
For a while now I've said so many things,
A lot of which I know are hurtful.
It's easier to be mad,
Yet petty and immature.
It's easier to be the one doing the hurting,
But not a fun reputation to have.

So I will start by saying I'm sorry.
I'll say let's call a truce,
Though I think the only one fighting was mi.
I'll like to say this will be easy,
But I know better than that.
So I will start by saying I'm sorry,
And I promise to be better.

'If you can't say something positive, don't say anything'.
I guess the first step for now is keeping silent.
I don't like this place mostly for what it makes mi,
But I'm no longer willing to give up the old mi if this is the new version.
Cynical, bitter, sad, depressive, complainer....
Not adjectives I enjoy being associated with mi.

So for now,
I'll start with an I'm sorry.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I'll say this face to face.
Or I might be too cowardly to do that ever.
But mum's the word where you're concerned.
HAGL.

xo

Why Cali??

One thing that has remained constant between God and I over the years, is my ability to have total faith when it comes to the next place I will live. I've never worried about what school I will end up in or where. I've always understood that God had a reason for sending mi wherever I end up, and that has never failed.
When I first came to Cali, it was a bit unclear why I had come. Old wounds were reopened, old fears crawled back, and at a point, I was quite sure I had made the wrong decision. Funny enough, this was the first time I had made a move where all other options were blocked. I had no choice but Cali. And I think it had to be that way because if I had other options, I would not have stuck around past the initial turbulence. I would have simply jumped ship, quite sure I had made the wrong choice.
Now, I think I see why it had to be here.
I have been firmly pushed out of my comfort zone, socially and emotionally. At first, it seemed like I had swung back into the past. The tortured existence I have tried very hard to run away from. Instinctively, my first reaction was to run. When that was not an option, my next reaction was to curl up into myself and hide.
This time however, that didn't seem like a solution. It didn't fit with the life I have come to know and understand I deserve, and so I was forced to fight through the storm.
I am by no means out of it totally. The sea is still filled with waves every now and then, but I think I am getting comfortable and I know smooth sailing is eminent.
Why Cali?? For now, it's because I needed a push and I needed to grow. I needed to find a reason to open the attic, air it out and be free again. I needed to stop being mad at myself and at God. But first, I needed to realize I was mad at God and at myself. I needed to realize I had not let go and was being controlled firmly by my past. Then I needed to extend my faith in God regarding moves and living locations to this area of my life.
Right now, I am by no means in an overly joyful place socially and emotionally. I still feel alone and I still get lonely from time to time. I still feel emotionally unstable and have my doubts and fears lurking. But the difference is right now, I am not afraid alone. Sad, yes sometimes. Upset, yes sometimes. But no longer terrified.

I think that's a step forward, no??

xo

Learning

Learning to communicate.

Voicing out my thoughts changed the theme of this post from a sorrowful mystery to what it is about to be. 

Learning to be alone. 

As terrifying as it still is, accepting that it is okay to be alone; understanding that not being with the person you want to be at a particular time isn't the same thing as being alone. There are many who love mi. 

Learning to fight the fears.

Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it's so easy to give in. Yes, it's breaking away from the norm. Yes, it is what's best for mi. 

Learning that I am changing. 

A scary process, as there are no rules, guidelines or concrete stands. Yet, it's a necessary aspect. Necessary part of moving forward, letting go, facing the demons; becoming free. 

xo

Mi

Little Things

It's the little things in life that make mi smile. 

The comedy, the drama, the brief moments of laughter. 

It's the little things in life that make mi smile.

The surprise texts, calls, letters....oh the letters. 

It's the little things in life that make mi smile. 

It's also the little things in life that bring mi tears. 

xo

The Other Conversation

If it occurred, it will go something like this:

You: Hey, are we okay??
Mi: What do you mean??
You: Was just wondering....kinda feel like we aren't as close as we used to be.
Mi: Oh....yeah, I guess so.
You: So....we're not okay??
Mi: Haha. We are not not okay. I'm just overly emotional and you don't do emotions. I don't want to burden you or worse, have you brush something as 'not so serious' when I am clearly catastrophizing.
You: Isn't that unfair though?? I mean you automatically assuming I will get it wrong.
Mi: Yeah I know. I'm just too scared/too much of a coward to try. Plus even if I muster up the courage, there is no room. I already appear to be the third wheel.
You: What --
Mi: Oh no I'm not mad or anything. It's just a fact I have to accept that's all. Might be sad, but I'll live.


But It won't occur. I've been doing such a good job at faking it, sometimes I almost believe I have made it. And let's face facts, it's a good thing it doesn't occur.

It's okay though. If I keep telling myself that, at some point, it really will be.

At some point, someone I pick will also pick mi.

xo

Earth's Sun

Surrounded by planets, yet she stands alone. 

Loved and needed by those around her, yet she stands alone.

Is this vacuum one she created?? 

Is this vacuum one she was placed in?? 

Queen of the Galaxy she might be imagined, yet the lonely queen she is. 

They come close enough to hurt, but not close enough to hold. 

Is this void one she encouraged??

Is this void one she is bound to?? 

Third Wheel

It's funny I always end up being the third wheel in whatever circle I'm in. And people wonder why I hate odd numbers. There could be fifty people available, and I will end up being the fifty-first. It is something I've come to accept. While it is still sad and makes mi sad, I still have to accept it. 

Friendship: Need versus Want.

Your friends are not necessarily those you say hi to everyday. 

Those you don't say hi to everyday not not friends. 

Want versus need. 

Are friends those you need in your life or those you want in your life?? 

Which is healthier or better?? Or are they on the same spectrum just at different ends?? 

I have friends I think I need. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

I have friends I think I want. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

So if you need but are not needed but wanted. If you want but aren't wanted but needed. Does it hurt less than when you are just not needed or wanted period?? 

I really want someone to explain how friendship on this side works. 

Games, Games 😘😘

I think it's hilarious that I created a game I am 100% uncomfortable playing. 

I made a game called questions, which are 150 questions you ask people over drinks and time. There are a number or sexual and personal questions. More things I'm curious about regarding others, not so much what I can respond to. Mostly cause I'm quite the coward. And I end up judging myself for whatever I say. 

But I like this kind of high (how I currently feel). Wine makes mi tipsy, but not the type of tipsy that stops my impulse control (like other drinks), and leads to self hate. 

I also really like my cohort. A certain group. And I wish I was less awkward (at least in my head). 

Happy day light savings kids. Church in 5hrs, quite doubtful considering the time but I'll try.

 🙈🙉🙊

xo

Mi

Is This 'Thoughts Mania'??

I just want someone that's mine. Not romantically in this case. 

But what a selfish request that is, no??

#Diaries of a 'bad' girl trying to become 'human'. 

This is too damn hard. 

xo

Mi

People are..Human??

I recently became aware that I see people, inherently, as either good or bad. No grey area, nothing in between.
I also recently became aware of the fact that people are human who make mistakes. This makes them neither good, nor bad, but just human.
I hear this statement, I really do, but somehow, it does not register in my schema or cognitive process. And I don't know how to fix this.
The problem isn't necessarily how I treat people, though that does come into effect. The problem is I hold myself to this same standard. Thus, I am either a good person or a bad person, nothing in the middle. This is a very difficult place to be in because being a good person requires perfection, and I don't think there is a person out there who can be perfect. So since I can't be perfect, I am constantly not a good person in my book, and striving to become one.
It's exhausting, and I am tired.
But I still can't shake all of this. I don't know how to not think this way. I don't know how to not be a 'bad' person striving to be 'good', and just be human period.
I don't know and to be honest, I really truly wish someone will tell mi how. I wish someone will be able to tell mi that it's okay to just be mi - human. That it's okay to just be mi, because there isn't such a thing as a good person or a bad person. There are just people, and people make mistakes which is okay because they are just people. People do bad things and people do good things, which is okay because they are again just people. I wish someone will tell mi these things.
And better still, I wish I can understand and accept these things.
Most of all, I wish I could just not be so tired.

Not the way I envisioned day 5 of my thankful/no-complaints life to be going. This is going to be a really long journey.

xo

Mi :(

Confused

I don't know what's wrong. 

More like I can't explain it. One minute I was fine. I really was, or at least trying to be. I think the rum didn't help. It took away my active blocker and now all these feelings are coming crashing in uninvited. 

Saying I miss him, my friend, is insane cause he is literarily here. He hasn't gone anywhere, yet he feels so far away. 

I realized a storm was possible when I felt jealous that he was close to someone else. But I started CTT on myself, and it was working. It was going fine. Then it wasn't just one someone else, but another person came in the mix. And though I keep telling myself the distance I am feeling is self imposed and created, I can't help it. 

I don't know what to do. I feel the friendship fading, though in actual fact it isn't. Yes I feel it going, and from past experience, this isn't something I can stop. 

My T said jealously isn't a bad thing unless you don't do anything about it. I am on the 100 days, but I don't know how to be thankful or assertive or see the positive in this situation. I don't even understand the situation. I don't understand how I got here. I mean I was fine. I was really doing so well.

 

Sitting with your feeling is constantly preached. I am right now and it sucks. I am right now and all I want to do is run away from myself. I just want to run and keep going until I don't feel anymore. So tempted to sleep but I have work to do. But I wish, I just wish someone could understand this and explain it to mi so I can know I'm not insane. I don't like this. 

I really don't. 

100 Days....

So I decided to do 100 days of being thankful and 100 days of 'no complaining'. It is currently day 3, and there are two things I've found interesting and amusing thus far. The first is the difficulty in conceptualizing 'complaining'. What constitutes complaining versus 'calling a spade a spade'. I think I will need to consult google and some scholars for that.

The second amusing occurrence is the reaction of those around mi when I told them I was doing the 100 days. Everyone, without an exception, laughed, said it was impossible and didn't think I would last. I found this amusing because it either means I complain so much that going without will be impossible, or that that not complaining is against the human characteristic. I can't be offended if the former is the case, cause lets be honest, that over 50% of why I decided to embark on the challenge (I think I complain a lot in my opinion). But everyone's reaction was a bit unexpected to be honest.

I do realize it will be difficult. More than difficult actually. I initially planned on telling no one (should do a challenge on keeping secrets/sharing information on a need to know basis too....I think I'll add that actually. Though I believe this is harder than the complaining challenge), but I think this is one of those challenges you need accountability for. Knowing that so many people expect mi to not succeed is more reason for mi to want to be successful. Plus in the end, I think it will make mi a better person - more peaceful, more grateful and more optimistic.

But dang a 100 days is going to be hard. God help mi.

Day 3 done, I'd say successfully :)

xo

Mi

Petty Still or Growing up??

One thing I've come to realize about myself over the years is that when I have a three way friendship, I tend to get jealous if the other two appear to be getting closer to each other and I'm 'left out'. Then I inevitably begin distancing myself from them (of course they get closer), and then I become less of a part of the 'three way' and then I'm out. 

Presently, I have found myself in a similar situation. At first, I was jealous as always. Or at least I thought I was. But the curious thing is after thinking about the situation, I was actually sad as opposed to jealous. Which was an interesting discovery, as it is uncharacteristic of mi to feel that way. I talked to one part of the other two, simply catching up, and an even more curious thing occurred. I was/am genuinely happy they are getting closer. Though I do realize and am sad about the fact that I am getting left out, it's not jealously or sulky like before. 

The quarter system at school makes time seem to fly by very quickly, while appearing to be longer than it really is. So while two weeks might have passed in the blink of an eye for instance, it will feel like a month because of all the activities packed into it. This makes not talking to someone for a week seem like longer and can make the parties feel a lot more distant, as a lot can happen in that time. So while I realize it has only been a few weeks of distance, I am able to recognize that this feels worse because of the system. 

In the past, such a realization would have been impossible; and in the off chance that I made it, would not have mattered in terms of affecting how I feel. But I am still sad about missing out and not talking to the other parties as much and not being a part of the 'in-group', and having to accept that I won't be the closest to either party. Though I understand that that's a little ironic coming from someone who allows others to get a little close but never gets close herself.

I do miss them, though there isn't much I can actively do in the moment to change that. 

I wonder what would happen if either party ran across ris blog/post. Will they know?? How will they react?? 

I wonder now, do all these feeling make mi petty still, or am I growing up??

What Does it Mean??

'Darlyn', 'Sweetheart', 'Lovely', 'Dear'.... every time members of my high school meet each other, these terms of endearment are thrown out, among many others; accompanied by the 'oh my gosh I've missed you' sentence. This is regardless of the relationship said individuals had in the past, which is what bewilders mi.

"Hey dear, oh my gosh I can't believe it's been so long, how have you been?" But the truth is I can believe it has been this long. Mostly because I have actively invested some effort to make it so. I took proactive steps to avoid searching for you on social media, making myself easily findable, going to events you are likely to show up at, etc, to avoid having to deal with you again. Because when I saw you constantly, the experience was not positive for mi. Why then am I required to produce, amidst huge grins, excitement and outstretched arms, a sentence synonymous to the one above, conveying feelings I did not feel, currently do not feel and probably will not be feeling in the future, simply because we went to school together in the past??

Frenemies??

This is in no way mi advocating for grudge holding, or directed at anyone in particular. Just a curious observation. Why can't I ignore you if I choose to, by virtue of  our history and not have our roles switch - with mi becoming the bad one??

Tired, maybe I'm currently delirious.

xoxo

Mi

Where Psychology Meets God

Recently I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Quite the uncomfortable place to be to be honest. Seeing things in yourself you abhor or hate in others. Being mi, my instant reaction is to judge myself cause that's what I do others. So I become a 'bad' person and not a 'good person' anymore. Why humans have to be either bad or good, versus human, is something I'm trying to grasp too. Being judgmental is what I don't like. I am of others and self. So i hold people to a standard I deem is the best (mostly based on my religious and cultural beliefs). And when they fail, I judge. But then I know that is bad and so I judge myself for doing that. And I think others see mi the same way. A vicious circle. Where I get off thinking I can judge others is beyond mi. 

But I guess psychology meets God here. You identify the problem psychologically, then you hand it over to God to help you solve. At least this is what I'm going to do. Cause I can't think of how else to change. 

For now, I have to keep reminding myself I am not a bad person. Cause that's the hardest part. Oh and not care what others think. 

I wonder....

I wonder if I will have two kids, a son and a daughter, like my parents do.
I wonder if my daughter will be able to get all from her daddy, like I can with mine.
I wonder if my son will treat mi like his 'baby', like my brother does with our mum.
I wonder if my kids will think I'm fragile, like my brother and I do of our mum.
I wonder if my kids will pray their parents grow old, retire and live comfortably, like I do for mine.

I wonder if I will marry a man who loves me fervently, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who does all to meet my needs, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who respects my mind, body and soul, like my mother did.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am God-sent, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am a wonderful wife-mother, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry and I will build a God fearing home, like my father and mother did.

These are the things I wonder, as I sit and imagine, close my eyes and day dream.

xo

Mi

Everything and Nothing.

I don't understand why this feeling keeps coming back. Overwhelmed. Trapped. Drowning. Alone. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. I'm constantly tired. The thought of everything exhausts mi. I have to face it all alone, and the idea is daunting and exhausting. I'm constantly irritated by people around mi. Not for nothing, but at the same time, not for reasons I would have been so gravely offended by in the past. The stress inducer is the idea that I am alone.
I feel friendless.
Which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that I am constantly around people daily. On the weekends, I'm by myself. Mostly by choice because the only people I know, are the people I see every other day. It is most straining to have the same population of about 50 individuals to make friends, acquaintances, classmates, confidants, etc. It is also harder when it appears that you alone have that set pool. Everyone else has a much broader pool, as should be the case, and thus, would be with a different group of people on the weekend - breathe of fresh air. Bearing that in mind, I cannot, in good sense, call or text anyone to do anything over the weekend (adding the fact that I have next to nothing in common with 95% of said population).
Then home is a prison cell. Living with one of said 50, but under rules designated by someone else. I can't be myself in public because (given my field and location) I have to be politically correct, keep up an appearance, etc. I can't be myself at home for the same reasons, and I am even more uncomfortable with the person due to mixed emotions about said being.
Trapped.
Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm just running around inside a maze, inside a cage.
Tired.
Running around with no end in sight and no help in perspective is exhausting.
I just want to sleep and forget it all. Every time. Which gets mi in trouble cause I end up falling asleep in class. Plus sleeping at night is even more exhausting. I fall unconscious and then I am conscious. There is no rest, no recuperation, none of the characteristics of sleep. The longer I sleep, the more exhausted I become. So 4hrs a night allows mi to concentrate at least through one class, versus 6+ and I struggle with sleep in every class I go to.
Alone. Friendless.
When I think about it, I never really learned to make friends. After the 'ordeal', I made friends vicariously through my best friend. Her friends were my friends. She had vetted them as okay to be friends with, I didn't have to introduce myself/do any ice breakers, and I was accepted because I was her friend. Made finding things in common, talking about myself and all that jazz unnecessary. When I did make friends outside of her, they were either Japanese or spoke to mi first.
I'm just tired.
Right now, I'm trying really hard to not let my diet, at the very least, fall off. I can't even begin to deal with the stress of relapsing and having to start over or cope with the guilt and etc that comes from it.

I miss my one bedroom apartment in Kanasugi.
I miss Japan.
I'm just tired.

xo

If Tomorrow Never Comes....

"I'll call you tomorrow", he said. 

"I'll see you tomorrow", she said. 

"I'll be there tomorrow", he said. 

"I'll love you tomorrow", she said.

"I'll love you tomorrow", she said. 

But she's with another today. 

But she's smiling for another today. 

But she's in a dress for another today. 

But she loves another today. 

And tomorrow never comes. 

Blossoms Blooming....

Everyday, I feel a strong sense of emotion. Each day, the location I find myself, on the spectrum ranging from intense sadness to ecstatic, varies. Sometimes, I feel my chest is heavy, and I’m about to burst with excitement and happiness.  I can’t explain why. 

Other times, I am so tired and sad. Not depressed, but unhappy. Again, I can’t explain what I am unhappy about or why. 

I do know it feels like its in relation to someone else. Feels like I am happy for that person or sad for said person. Odd, cause there is no one in my life with that amount of impact on mi. 

In other news, I’m back in school. There is a distinct difference between this quarter and last quarter for mi. Almost as though I am meeting a lot of people for the first time, and seeing a lot of others through a different set of lenses.

For one thing, I’ve withdrawn from a number of people. Both intentionally and unintentionally, but I am fine with it. It’s been less emotionally stressful. I admit, trying to stand on my own and not depending on others as much as I used to, trying to understand and work out the concept of working on my own, going places on my own, etc, though difficult, is something I’ve learned that I need to learn and practice doing things on my own. 

Another thing is I’ve accepted that I have few interests with most of the people around me, and they are closer to each other (than to mi) because they have more in common/more to bond with. This is also okay. This doesn’t mean my friends (the ones left) don’t like mi or aren’t my friends. It’s just a fact. The like football for instance, or health related talks, article readings, or things related to LGBT, etc. and I am not interested in most or all of those things. Which is also okay. 

I have also learned, albeit the hard way, that you can’t ‘make friends’. You become friends with people - either by chance, accident, match making, etc. You can’t make yourself friends with someone or create a friendship. As a result, not everyone would be friends with you, you won’t be friends with everyone, not everyone you want to be friends with will want to be friends with you and you won’t want to become friends with everyone who wants to be friends with you. And the most important thing is, all of that is okay. 

Finally, I made an appointment to begin my 16hrs. Should be interesting considering the fact that I just picked her for her price rather than anything else….

So hello Winter quarter, lets see how you turn out :) 

xo

Mi

The Case of Xavier: #trippn4lucifer

8 years ago some guy crashed into my life. Sept 22nd 2007 to be precise, and disappeared Jan 3rd. I don't recall if it was the 3rd in 2008 or 2009. We shared a birthday, or so he said, and that makes it kind of hard to forget. 

I say crashed and disappeared cause thats essentially what happened. Till now, I still feel Xavier, I won't use his real name (if that indeed was), was a figment of my imagination/an elaborate prank by my friend. 

Why?? 

Because I never met him. Never spoke to him on the phone. And when he disappeared, the only form of contact I had with him, emails, did not exist as a yahoo account. Aside from the emails I did not delete from him, it's hard to tell someone this story ever took place in reality. 

How did we begin??

I don't remember the exact words, but I got a yahoo messenger IM from an email account called 'trippn4lucifer'. I didn't know anyone with this user name, or by the name he introduced himself as (initially) - Xavier Baker. But this person seemed to know some things about mi. We started a guessing game, which quickly escalated into mi getting mad cause I realized it wasn't someone I knew, figuring out he stole my email address from a friend, and finally succumbing to his pleas to be friends. 

This was a while back, so I can't claim to recall all the details. I know we would chat for hours sometimes about nothing in particular. I know I spent a majority of time getting angry at him, but I can't ever remember why. I never saw his face or heard his voice, and the names he gave me were quite unbelievable to mi.

The one thing Xavier told mi was that he was terminally ill. He lived in the hospital most of his life. At 19, he had spent most of his life waiting to die. I remember this cause I came across an email I sent to him, mad at him for saying he was waiting to die. He never said what illness it was. The secrets with this kid were so many. And don't get mi started on his family situation. At this point, I don't mention it out loud because I started to believe watching a lot of movies over the years got my memories muddled up - that is how ludicrous the story is. 

On January 3rd, my birthday, I got a call telling mi Xavier was dead. He apparently decided to donate a kidney for his dad. His father made it through, but Xavier didn't. I checked my email and saw that he had sent mi a message a few days before, telling mi/asking mi if the surgery was a good idea. Then deciding to do it and saying he was 'sorry if he didn't come back' or something to that effect. I tried sending a message back, because naturally, I didn't want to believe this ghost friend I had was gone. In response, I got a 'mail delivery failure' from Yahoo. 

My relationship with Xavier was, for lack of a better word, warped. There was no opening, no middle point, no climax and no closure. It feels like something that happened and didn't happen at the same time. Half the time I am convinced I imagined it all, then I am convinced my friends pulled a fast one on mi. Then I am sure, also backed by the intriguing details of his family, that he was erased, as opposed to died. Sometimes I think I will run into him in life - which is a scary thought because there is a chance that he would know what I look like, but I definitely would not know what he looks like. 

He told mi, many times after we hadn't talked in a bit, that he knew I missed him, even though I never would, could or planned on admitting it to himself, myself or anyone else. What I find curious however, is that years latter, maybe beginning in 2011, I did find myself missing this ghost character. I can't tell you the first thing about this person - not his name for instance, or, with 100% accuracy, that he is a guy. But still every year, on this day, I remember X.B, E.M (the first letter of the names I knew him by), the silly kid who sat at her desk chatting away silly, and I say a happy birthday to both of us - if indeed it is his birthday. 

xo 

Where hearts have crossed

A star has fallen

To give rise to a new season

Where lips have touched

A spark is arisen

With every doubt cascading

Where love is lost

A flame flickers out

In hope of another tomorrow

Where bliss is attained

A new life awaits

Where two make a vow

Where for worse, poorer, or in sickness

"till death..." keeps the promise................

                                   - sent by Xavier Baker (2007)

Suddenly, I don't want to go back to Cali. I was excited about going back, resettling in, etc. Then I saw something I wasn't mentally prepared for. At least I didn't know I wasn't till it happened. 

But I have to go back. Just have to make peace with it. More like I've made my peace, I just need to breathe and not let go again. 

xoxo

Mi

2015 Resolutions

I'm not one for resolutions. At least not public declarations. But I felt this year, I should do something different for a change. Plus making them public means I have to follow through (more so than when I don't). So here are my resolutions. 

1. Get healthy. I usually say 'loose weight' or 'work out'. But I have learned, and come to the acceptance that I just need to be healthy. I need to stop dieting and just fix how I eat (including eating period). I also need to get into a work out regime. 

2. Publish. I've started so many books, finished one and I'm still too terrified to let someone outside friends and family read it. But this year, I want to publish two of them. The finished one and a second non-related one. 

3. Get with God. I'm still not sure what this means, which I think is why I've had this on my resolutions for a while still not sure what to do with it. But this year, I'd let God lead. 

4. Learn Korean better. I understand more than I speak. It's harder, I admit, since I don't have Korean friends which helped with Japanese. But I think I need to be more serious with it like I was with Japanese. 

5. Find a dream. Yes I am studying psychology. Yes I want to become a doctor. But I don't know if my wanting to work with an international organization and my current life path are in line. Plus I need to become more proactive. Like volunteer, or gain an interest in something. 

6. Communicate. A friend, who is becoming a close friend, said I am passive aggressive. I have to admit, I am. I didn't have a term for it or know this till he pointed it out, but I am. And I don't like this. So, I'm going to learn/force myself to break out of that. 

7. My hair. I'm quite tired of it not growing. So ya, I'm going to treat it and take care of it so it grows. 

8. Read more. This it tied to 5. As much as I claim to love psychology, I don't have much of an interest in reading articles or writings on psychology. Which makes mi wonder if I should have stuck with my masters rather than this path I'm on. So I need to make myself read more. Or get some interest in reading. 

9. Talk to God. More. 

10. Love mi. This is the hardest of them all, but I think I've been working on this for a while and though I've moved from where I once was, I'm still not where I need to be. 

So those are my 10 resolutions for this year. See you on the 31st by God's grace. 

xoxo

Mi