What Does it Mean??

'Darlyn', 'Sweetheart', 'Lovely', 'Dear'.... every time members of my high school meet each other, these terms of endearment are thrown out, among many others; accompanied by the 'oh my gosh I've missed you' sentence. This is regardless of the relationship said individuals had in the past, which is what bewilders mi.

"Hey dear, oh my gosh I can't believe it's been so long, how have you been?" But the truth is I can believe it has been this long. Mostly because I have actively invested some effort to make it so. I took proactive steps to avoid searching for you on social media, making myself easily findable, going to events you are likely to show up at, etc, to avoid having to deal with you again. Because when I saw you constantly, the experience was not positive for mi. Why then am I required to produce, amidst huge grins, excitement and outstretched arms, a sentence synonymous to the one above, conveying feelings I did not feel, currently do not feel and probably will not be feeling in the future, simply because we went to school together in the past??

Frenemies??

This is in no way mi advocating for grudge holding, or directed at anyone in particular. Just a curious observation. Why can't I ignore you if I choose to, by virtue of  our history and not have our roles switch - with mi becoming the bad one??

Tired, maybe I'm currently delirious.

xoxo

Mi

Where Psychology Meets God

Recently I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Quite the uncomfortable place to be to be honest. Seeing things in yourself you abhor or hate in others. Being mi, my instant reaction is to judge myself cause that's what I do others. So I become a 'bad' person and not a 'good person' anymore. Why humans have to be either bad or good, versus human, is something I'm trying to grasp too. Being judgmental is what I don't like. I am of others and self. So i hold people to a standard I deem is the best (mostly based on my religious and cultural beliefs). And when they fail, I judge. But then I know that is bad and so I judge myself for doing that. And I think others see mi the same way. A vicious circle. Where I get off thinking I can judge others is beyond mi. 

But I guess psychology meets God here. You identify the problem psychologically, then you hand it over to God to help you solve. At least this is what I'm going to do. Cause I can't think of how else to change. 

For now, I have to keep reminding myself I am not a bad person. Cause that's the hardest part. Oh and not care what others think. 

I wonder....

I wonder if I will have two kids, a son and a daughter, like my parents do.
I wonder if my daughter will be able to get all from her daddy, like I can with mine.
I wonder if my son will treat mi like his 'baby', like my brother does with our mum.
I wonder if my kids will think I'm fragile, like my brother and I do of our mum.
I wonder if my kids will pray their parents grow old, retire and live comfortably, like I do for mine.

I wonder if I will marry a man who loves me fervently, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who does all to meet my needs, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who respects my mind, body and soul, like my mother did.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am God-sent, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am a wonderful wife-mother, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry and I will build a God fearing home, like my father and mother did.

These are the things I wonder, as I sit and imagine, close my eyes and day dream.

xo

Mi