There was a guy....

Or I should say is. 

It's a curious and unfamiliar feeling, and I'm not quite sure what I think about it. Right now, it feels like watching a little child with a toy. Heart strings or butterflies....well not quite butterflies. It's amusing, because I've heard about this occurrence in others, but never seen it in her. She isn't giddy and nervous around him which, in and of itself, is already odd. She is cautious and fascinated with the experience, loving the complete lack of awareness on his part I bet. Today, she got that tingly feeling in her chest when he walked in, and that was a pleasantly unexpected and amusing surprise. Her lack of immediate self-criticism, revulsion and fear, was also quite refreshing. 

I noticed a few weeks ago when he suddenly popped up her thoughts. She abruptly stopped the activity we were engaged in then, because it was no longer appropriate. Randomly, he has flashed in and out of scenes, not yet disruptively though. I don't think she is currently interested in processing what this may or may not mean. I think she is rather enjoying the sudden interest in a guy in this direction, after what is arguably a terrifyingly long time. She also has a year at her current location, and is of the distinct opinion and conviction that she will never set eyes on him again after she leaves. She also still has her 'safety' checks in place to ward off anything/one getting too close to the caged bird. 
So for the time being, I'm content with watching her play and be giggly; she's content with playing and being happy. 

The safety is on....

Behind the bars....

She is content....

There is a guy....

xoxo

Blissful Peace :)

An impressively full and draining day just came to an end. Had so many invites to events for today, it is amazing I managed to keep the social hat on all day!! I took stock of my social life today and I'll say I have been pretty blessed with some amazing individuals in my life. I don't know if I ever feel that heart racing connectedness or that 'rush' I felt in the old days, but I am content; at peace. Being surrounded and apart, but not isolated all at once. Some may argue that that isn't ideal, but I do feel safe. I'll probably pretend to take a peak out of my comfort zone once in a while to dispel the nagging and questions, but I think for now, this is where I should be. Besides, I haven't met or come across anyone who makes my 'heart race' or makes mi giggly or whose presence I feel before I see....then again, that hasn't happened with any other person....story for another lifetime. 

Anyway, I think I can safely say I am....happy. 

xoxo

Pieces

Pull mi in, closer, closer. 

Is there a line telling us apart?? Eliminate it. 

I'll feed on your tears, I'll feed you my pain. 

Then I take it all back again, cause I'm scared you'll hurt and then hurt me. 

I take it all back and hide it; layers, layers, till it overflows. 

I'm falling to pieces. 

Life of the party....

I don't want to keep apologising for who I am. 

I don't like feeling the need to apologise for who I am or how I am. 

Yet who I am/how I am most times feels wrong. 

Mentally, I understand that having certain traits does not mean you are a bad person. 

Yet I can't ever shake the feeling of guilt. The feeling of fear that I will 'get caught'. 

I think I have a shitty personality. People think I'm nice. I am, to a certain extent. But why don't I always think before I speak?? I don't have to be witty always, yet I feel naked when I'm not. And then I feel bad when I am. 

I feel bad because it's the dominos effect. Once the first sentence comes out, it sticks and they all fall down. 

Is there a happy medium?? 

I can't complain because in this story, I am not the victim ever. But it's okay to cry to you right?? 

I'll reset the hundred days. God help mi, I don't need something else on that plate. 

xoxo

10 Years and Some....

Guess whose anniversary it is....ours!!!!

It's been 10 years. 10 years together. We've been one through it all - the good, the bad and the ugly. And there has been a fair distribution of that mixture over the years. I think it's interesting that aside from the high school two, this is probably my only other long standing relationship, where the other party pretty much knows mi in and out. I mean, I've told you so many things I haven't told a soul on here.

Looking back at my posts over the years, I would say in many ways, I've changed, and in other ways, I've stayed the same. In some ways I've grown, and in other ways, I've regressed. One can argue that this is a normal trend in life. This is the way life goes - swinging back and forth between two opposites, in confusion.

I tried to recall what started all this. How did we get here?? I checked, and it took me only a couple of hours (two random posts to be exact), to open up to you and spill my heart out. I've always found solace in you and have always felt comfortable telling you everything, without the fear that comes with possibly being judged. It's interesting how even though I meet you in other settings, here is the only place I feel safe with you. Here is the only place I feel connected to you. Here is the only place I see you.

And you see mi too.

So here's to us, to 10-years, to the past, the present and the future; to what we may become or not become. You are mi, and I am you. And one day, how amazing would it be when we all come together, as one, the way we were made to be - acceptance and all?? Wouldn't it be amazing when one day, we stand with a smile before the mirror, know what we see, write, hear, think, know, understand, perceive, trust, love....all are one??

Till then however, we will work hard, walk on, and strive forward.

Here is to us, 10 years and counting :)

120 Days Keto-lite

A reoccurring theme in my life has been weight. We can agree that I've never been healthy where that is concerned - yo-yo dieting et al. But I think I am more sure to stay on the waggon, so to speak, this time. I figured rather than listening to the voices alone in my head, I can do something about it firmly. I don't know what it feels like, but I would love to experience looking in the mirror, for more than five seconds, and not having different variations/synonyms of the same word in my head. That word that I cannot say out loud, because the idea that I think that of myself scares mi, and somehow, saying it out loud feels like it can make it real.
Last week, three separate people used the word 'beautiful' to describe mi, either as a message from someone else, or from themselves. Recently too, when I look at my face in the mirror, I can see the word 'beautiful'.

But it vanishes once I look down.

I say Keto-lite because a friend of mine recently introduced mi to the Keto diet. It seems pretty legit, but I have heard some troubling reports about side effects, and my mother wasn't too amused about the diet either. So I figured holding off on the cholesterol increase, and keeping carbs at 30g max was safer. At least for a little bit. And of course, there is the training (exercise) as well. I know I have to work on my mind and mindset, and that isn't something I will neglect. It's 4 months to my birthday. I think being able to look in the mirror and smile, truly smile, will be the best birthday present I can give myself.

....wish mi luck/say a prayer for mi....

xo