Relief??

Is it odd that I was more relieved when I found out being unfriended occurred a long time ago as opposed to recently?? I can't explain why, but the idea that we haven't been friends for a longer time leans towards us getting better (though its the two steps forward, one step back routine) as opposed to just beginning the dance. 

I found it amusing though that everyone else knew this has happened around when it did, but mi. I really worked hard to not care and succeeded. But now, I want to work hard to not care without being negative. 

If you don't have something good to say, don't say anything at all. 

xo

Alive, Sorrys and R.I.P

Today, I realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. I don't know how long this has been the case for, and ironically, I don't know who unfriended whom. I say this because there was a time I wanted to delete you from my life entirely, so there is a chance I did that then. There is also a chance you did the unfriending, in which case, anytime in the last couple of months will be a fair guess.  

What struck mi wasn't the fact that we were no longer friends, (as that has been evident for a while now), but how petty and unchristian I have been about the entire ordeal. True, I transitioned from being mad to disliking to not carrying to being neutral where you were concerned. But I was mean in the things I said about you. 

For that I truly am sorry. 

It's not that I want to 'fix' things or become friends again. I don't think our personalities align for that or that it is necessary. But the negative comments were uncalled for and for that, I am sorry. 

How you choose to live your life and what you choose to do really are not my concern or for mi to comment on. We are strangers who go to school together to be fair. I can't comment on the things you do because I don't know you. 

So I am sorry for everything this far. Quite certain you won't see this. Quite certain there is no point talking about this. But I do promise, to myself and God at least, that if I have nothing good to say, I won't say anything at all. I sincerely wish you well here on out, and I hope this reflects in my attitude and behaviour as well. I'm not doing this for you, but so I can look myself in the mirror and be okay. 

xo

Learning Again

Learning to see aspects of myself I don't like, but not let it affect how I feel about myself. 

Learning to see character flaws in myself, and not automatically assign the 'bad' label as usual. 

Learning that I can work on mi, without the bonus of condemnations. 

Learning that it takes time, and I will need to learn patience with myself along the way. 

Learning that friendships come in different forms, and that not everyone is a 'close friend'. 

Learning that just because someone isn't a close friend, doesn't make the person an enemy either. There are friends for different seasons, levels and situations. This is also fine. 

Learning that not everyone you want to be friends with will be friends with you. 

Learning that the more you talk about others, the more alone you get. Lonely is fixable, alone is almost not. 

Reset

For a while now I've been playing the blame game,
Shifting it far away from myself.
For a while now I've said so many things,
A lot of which I know are hurtful.
It's easier to be mad,
Yet petty and immature.
It's easier to be the one doing the hurting,
But not a fun reputation to have.

So I will start by saying I'm sorry.
I'll say let's call a truce,
Though I think the only one fighting was mi.
I'll like to say this will be easy,
But I know better than that.
So I will start by saying I'm sorry,
And I promise to be better.

'If you can't say something positive, don't say anything'.
I guess the first step for now is keeping silent.
I don't like this place mostly for what it makes mi,
But I'm no longer willing to give up the old mi if this is the new version.
Cynical, bitter, sad, depressive, complainer....
Not adjectives I enjoy being associated with mi.

So for now,
I'll start with an I'm sorry.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I'll say this face to face.
Or I might be too cowardly to do that ever.
But mum's the word where you're concerned.
HAGL.

xo

Why Cali??

One thing that has remained constant between God and I over the years, is my ability to have total faith when it comes to the next place I will live. I've never worried about what school I will end up in or where. I've always understood that God had a reason for sending mi wherever I end up, and that has never failed.
When I first came to Cali, it was a bit unclear why I had come. Old wounds were reopened, old fears crawled back, and at a point, I was quite sure I had made the wrong decision. Funny enough, this was the first time I had made a move where all other options were blocked. I had no choice but Cali. And I think it had to be that way because if I had other options, I would not have stuck around past the initial turbulence. I would have simply jumped ship, quite sure I had made the wrong choice.
Now, I think I see why it had to be here.
I have been firmly pushed out of my comfort zone, socially and emotionally. At first, it seemed like I had swung back into the past. The tortured existence I have tried very hard to run away from. Instinctively, my first reaction was to run. When that was not an option, my next reaction was to curl up into myself and hide.
This time however, that didn't seem like a solution. It didn't fit with the life I have come to know and understand I deserve, and so I was forced to fight through the storm.
I am by no means out of it totally. The sea is still filled with waves every now and then, but I think I am getting comfortable and I know smooth sailing is eminent.
Why Cali?? For now, it's because I needed a push and I needed to grow. I needed to find a reason to open the attic, air it out and be free again. I needed to stop being mad at myself and at God. But first, I needed to realize I was mad at God and at myself. I needed to realize I had not let go and was being controlled firmly by my past. Then I needed to extend my faith in God regarding moves and living locations to this area of my life.
Right now, I am by no means in an overly joyful place socially and emotionally. I still feel alone and I still get lonely from time to time. I still feel emotionally unstable and have my doubts and fears lurking. But the difference is right now, I am not afraid alone. Sad, yes sometimes. Upset, yes sometimes. But no longer terrified.

I think that's a step forward, no??

xo

Learning

Learning to communicate.

Voicing out my thoughts changed the theme of this post from a sorrowful mystery to what it is about to be. 

Learning to be alone. 

As terrifying as it still is, accepting that it is okay to be alone; understanding that not being with the person you want to be at a particular time isn't the same thing as being alone. There are many who love mi. 

Learning to fight the fears.

Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it's so easy to give in. Yes, it's breaking away from the norm. Yes, it is what's best for mi. 

Learning that I am changing. 

A scary process, as there are no rules, guidelines or concrete stands. Yet, it's a necessary aspect. Necessary part of moving forward, letting go, facing the demons; becoming free. 

xo

Mi

Little Things

It's the little things in life that make mi smile. 

The comedy, the drama, the brief moments of laughter. 

It's the little things in life that make mi smile.

The surprise texts, calls, letters....oh the letters. 

It's the little things in life that make mi smile. 

It's also the little things in life that bring mi tears. 

xo

The Other Conversation

If it occurred, it will go something like this:

You: Hey, are we okay??
Mi: What do you mean??
You: Was just wondering....kinda feel like we aren't as close as we used to be.
Mi: Oh....yeah, I guess so.
You: So....we're not okay??
Mi: Haha. We are not not okay. I'm just overly emotional and you don't do emotions. I don't want to burden you or worse, have you brush something as 'not so serious' when I am clearly catastrophizing.
You: Isn't that unfair though?? I mean you automatically assuming I will get it wrong.
Mi: Yeah I know. I'm just too scared/too much of a coward to try. Plus even if I muster up the courage, there is no room. I already appear to be the third wheel.
You: What --
Mi: Oh no I'm not mad or anything. It's just a fact I have to accept that's all. Might be sad, but I'll live.


But It won't occur. I've been doing such a good job at faking it, sometimes I almost believe I have made it. And let's face facts, it's a good thing it doesn't occur.

It's okay though. If I keep telling myself that, at some point, it really will be.

At some point, someone I pick will also pick mi.

xo

Earth's Sun

Surrounded by planets, yet she stands alone. 

Loved and needed by those around her, yet she stands alone.

Is this vacuum one she created?? 

Is this vacuum one she was placed in?? 

Queen of the Galaxy she might be imagined, yet the lonely queen she is. 

They come close enough to hurt, but not close enough to hold. 

Is this void one she encouraged??

Is this void one she is bound to?? 

Third Wheel

It's funny I always end up being the third wheel in whatever circle I'm in. And people wonder why I hate odd numbers. There could be fifty people available, and I will end up being the fifty-first. It is something I've come to accept. While it is still sad and makes mi sad, I still have to accept it.