Why??

Why am I sad right now??
Why do I feel like I need to cry for a few hours to feel better??
Why does it feel like I can't use my words right now??
Why does it feel like I can't be understood right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to hold mi and tell mi it's okay to cry right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to be here and not understand but be okay right now??
Too many emotions, and all I want to know is why??

Hellos and Goodbyes

Chances are you're never gonna read this, which is fine. Probably why I'm writing this. There are two 'yous' in this equation, but I'm too lazy to do more than one post. Of not enough for two so I'll make this one long enough. 

To the first you,

I love you. Way more than I need to or than for my own good. But I do. It's the kind of love reserved for family. Where no matter what happens, no matter what goes wrong, blood (or in this case bond) makes us inseparable. This means I am more likely to get hurt. Why?? Because you having the same level of emotion for mi is doubtful. This means I want to hurt you sometimes like you hurt mi, just to see how you react. But aside from the fact that I am not wired that way, I think I will be more hurt than you will ever be. But maybe that's just my insecurities talking. 

To the other you,

I haven't known you well enough for you to do this to mi, but yet here we are. The last time I was here didn't end well, so this time, there are only two possible reactions. If we were closer, I will be more terrified because the situation will be mi holding my breath for fear of your eminent departure or demise. But we aren't. It's evil that you think it's okay to treat mi this way just because you feel like it. It's sad that you don't care enough to even bother to tell mi what's wrong. It's annoying that you think you matter enough to get away with all this. But I'm too tired to spend my time giving a shit about every Tom, Dick, Harry and Clare. If I did I know, from experience, that's a shitty life. So we are done. 

I want to be happy. I need to be happy. 

xo

Mi

Pick Your Poison

We all have one, the best way to live is to aknowledge that you do have one. It's easier when it's a substance, harder when it's human. Humans are unpredictable. Humans are annoying. Humans are emotional. Humans are a handful.

I don't like the roulette it seems humans require when it comes to emotions. I don't like the fact that you get addicted to having one around even when they become toxic for you. 

It's easier to kick a habit when there are more negatives you can tell yourself of than good. It's harder when the habit lives and breathes. 

I hate my habits. 

I hate them because I am that addict that gets overly addicted. 

I can't quit no matter how I try.
And the worst part is, the addiction isn't addicted too.

First Step.

I'm not numb.
Sometimes I think I'm angry.
Other times I think I'm sad.
Most times, I'm afraid to think about how I feel because I don't know....
When you are mad, you yell at someone.
When you are sad, you cry or let it out at someone.
But if you don't let yourself feel these things in relation to a person out of fear,
thinking about it, thats unfair to the person.
So you are both wrong.
Making someone how to prove the existence of your relationship to you, out of fear,
That's exhausting and also unfair.
I started this off thinking I don't want to feel or face how I feel because I'm afraid.
The old mi would have stopped there.
But now, I'm putting myself in the other person's shoes.
if someone I think I'm close with constantly doubts that and wants proof, how will I feel??
Shitty is the answer.
So, in this case, we are both wrong.
One wrong for breaking the other's trust.
The other wrong for not facing how she feels about the trust-breakage completely.
Acknowledging is the first step, now on to the next.

xo

Mi

Waves in Motion

Today, my first year of five years came to a close. I passed all my exams, some to my surprise I must say. This year has been quite the rollercoaster. I learned, discovered and confirmed a number of things about myself. Some of them I was happy with, others not so much. I found friends, made friends, stumbled upon friends and lost friends. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to confront things I wished I could have continued to avoid. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to grow up in areas I still struggle with. It was hard, and I probably could have found an easier way to survive, but I believe God made it this way so I had to go through the year and experience the things I did the way i did.

The first unique thing about this year was the fact that I experienced culture shock for the first time in my life. I've lived in this country for years, but I had never felt like a foreigner until I got here and that was really hard to learn to deal with. But deal with it I had to and deal with it I still am. I learned a lot about people, some things I didn't like, others I'm learning to live with, and yet still, others I completely cherish. I learned a lot about myself. For instance, I am extremely shy and awkward around the opposite sex. I am most comfortable in my own company. I love driving big cars. I love practical assignments, suck at multiple choice. I get easily anxious when I am away from God. I love flirting but I'm terrified of commitments. I cherish the idea of living alone....the list goes on.

By the calendar, the second year starts in the fall. However, officially, the second year starts next week. We start seeing clients, we start making a difference. There is so much I want to achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I can achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I am going to/am yet to achieve and do and see and be. I know God has been with mi, despite my wandering habits, all through this year, and he will be with mi in the times to come.

So  here is to the end of a unique and wonderful year. Here is to the start of a new phase in a new chapter in my life I am finally slowly settling in to. Here is to the future, because the best is yet to come. Here is to the past year, because it has made mi who I am today, or at least contributed to who I am today. Here is to the waves in motion, which continue to change as the tides come in. Here is to life.
Here is to mi. I made it.

xoxo