I do and I don't...

I don't want to be the only one that can control you,
Because this world is unpredictable,
And I never know when it would be my turn to leave it.
Yet I don't want another to be able to tame you,
Because then I would spend life wondering,
If she is better for you than I am.

I don't want to be second best,
Because then I would feel the need to work for you adoration,
Even though you may get insulted if you hear that.
What people never figure out is that I have an IOU complex,
But I want to be the only one legally allowed to be your burden,
And know and be able to believe that I pay by being there,
Because we know I have to pay...lol

I don't want to stay and stand the chance of getting hurt,
Because I have a feeling my heart is not as strong as it may look,
And that one false move would send it to pieces.
Yet I am tired of being called a 'run away bride',
Sometimes I want to stay and see what it's like,
Get rid of this wondering feeling once and for all.

I don't want to go for days without hearing from you,
Because I am terribly insecure, and my imagination is too active.
I have the single ability to mentally come up with more reasons
than a logical person should in that situation.
Yet I don't want to be the girl whose calls you ignore,
I don't want to be the one always making the first move,
Cause Lord knows I am horrible at that,
And I know at some point I'll start hating you for making me seem like a pest.

So I guess you can safely say I am best where I am now.
Between both doors, standing and smiling.
Sometimes I get sad and lonely, sometimes I am content,
But for now I would rather have both emotional coasters running,
Than walk into one door knowing I might shut down the one I prefer for good.
I am a dangerous game,
I am an easy complex,
But above all else, I am a girl that needs her smile responded to.

Forget me not

Forget me not my darling,
For in the time we have been apart,
I fear that the color of your eyes have grown cold.
So I plead, forget me not my darling,
Forget me not.

'Love Scar"

So I read a manga today called "Love Scar", and the heroine in the story, Sasara, amazingly solved a problem without self sacrificing or hurting someone else to the point of suicide. I have to commend her!! The basic story line was that she fell in love with this kid younger than her, his mother made her 'dump' him, turning the boy, Rin, into a cold male chauvinist, and Sasara into a sad aging woman. She ended up trying to move on by dating one of those men who are overly sweet and nice and treat you like a princess, but then you know you can't fall for them and that hurts, who turned out to be Akira, Rin's big brother. Worse still, she had to get married to him because she felt she couldnt hurt him and Rin hated her. Of course I dont need to say the story went down hill from there. The story behind the break up came to light, Rin was obviously still in love with her, as she was with him, and Akira soon found out about the two of them. But amazingly, she never cheated!! After struggling to be the good wife and choose the path she has taken, an act of self-sacrificing that steadily pissed me off, she figured she couldnt do it. In the end, when I thought she was going to stay with Akira for good, she finally decided it was too much for her to handle. Here was her solution in one day: She had sex with Rin, told him good bye, explaining that she loved him but it would be too cruel to leave Akira and come to him at the moment. Then she went to Akira and asked for a divorce, saying she loved Rin and, I quote, "being his wife and waking up to him daily was painful"...too painful for her to bear any longer and she has decided to leave them both and not choose. Akira said he didnt mind her living with him like that, which I thought was by far one of the dumbest things I've heard anyone say. Translated as: Be sad for my happiness, I dont mind! Really!?! Basically Sasara decided to share the burden of the pain on all three, which I think was the best solution ever.
Do you know pain shared is easier to bear? Instead of carry everyone's burden on herself, she gave it back and found out that her burden was not that painful after all! Of course Akira at first said he wasnt giving her a divorce, which she responded to by saying it didnt matter, she was leaving anyway and that she was wrong so no matter what punishment he decided to give her (in this case no divorce), she could bear. In the end though, he handed the marriage papers to Rin, meaning giving her up to Rin, and walked away. Now I am not saying it is easy to do, but it can be done. When you take a wrong turn and realise you need to get back to the other side, the solution is not to shut yourself and hope to appear at the starting point again, or to continue to wonder and see the 'silver-freaking-lining' in the situation, because quite frankly, if the alternative is still acesible, then there is no freaking silver lining. Just a simple plastic crystal posing as a diamond. It would hurt like hell trying to unwind and untwist the nots you have made to get that far in the dead zone, but think about the breath of fresh air that waits for you at the end or should I say at the begining of the road...what bliss when the ropes tying your hearts are finally undone and you can breathe again? And don't worry, I have done this before so I can say I know the pain and the fear and the uncertainty involved. I can walk in your shoes. But believe me, the only way to treat a wound and prevent it from becoming a painful scar is to open it and clean it out. Leaving it covered only leads to more pain, newer illnesses and in some cases, death!

1012

There are days that hold fond memories for us. For instance, just about the whole world longs for December 25th because that is Christmas day. Or Jan 1st, which is New Years. These days are implanted in our memories, and we love the fact that they are there.
Then there are days that we have implanted in our head, though we wish they would not be there. We wish these days would disappear, as though if they do, then the things that happened would also disappear, and become a bad dream. This is something like December 10th for me.
Every other day of the year, I try to pretend that none of it happened, and that everyone is still going around at their various school, just that we've lost contact. Then on the 10th each year it hits me: The sixty angels are really gone.
I mean I still remember the morning of December 10th 2005 as though it happened the day before. I remember the last thing I ate before boarding my flight, well because my baby made me buy it for her saying that was the last meal she was eating before she went home. I still remember what I was doing when my mum told me the plane had crashed. In fact, I remember the room and the setting to a T, its almost scary.
But then I did not come here to reenact the events that occurred that day from my point of view.
It was hard making myself write this, because that meant returning to reality, which I have so effectively evaded all year. The truth is no matter how hard I try to pretend it never happened, it did. And I miss them.
I miss them everyday because they are no longer here.
I miss them every time because everyone knows it wasn't fair.
I miss them even more because no one still has told me why.
I miss them desperately because their spaces are still empty.
There are times I think "Oh, I should tell him this, he'll laugh with me", and then I remember, he is not here anymore.
We all wish it never happened, but it did.
We all wish there was someone to take the account for their life, but even if that person shows, it wont change the fact that they (Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk), amongst others, are gone.
So on this memorable day, as we do always, I say, R.I.P my angels, we miss you and you are still in our hearts.
I pray, the day will come when the blood of those innocent kids would not have been a waste. I pray the day will come when that country and its many problems that caused that plane crash would be cured
And finally, I do pray that the day will come when some peace would be in our hearts at last.
I guess I am rambling as usual huh?
1012, a day with a significance, one never again to be forgotten...
...Remember me when I am gone away.Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand.Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you planned:Only remember me: you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve: For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had. Better by far you should forget and smile Than you should remember and be sad...
~ Christina Rossetti

Rats

No matter what team you play for, the good or the bad, there is one common sin that is taboo: Betrayal. This is why when Robert Ford murdered Jesse James, he did not get an applaud from the world as he had hoped for, but got a silver, and yes I know it was silver, bullet in the head from the 'good' team. This is why when Judas Iscariot ratted out on Jesus, he did not live long enough to enjoy even one piece of the silver he got in the end. Even the Pharisees despised him. Sure enough the disciples would not have killed him and would have forgiven him because Jesus thought them to, but to live with them, knowing that each time they looked at him, thought about him or mentioned the name Jesus, it would always be added "and Judas betrayed him", was a heavier burden than death seemed to be. Betrayal is a seed from the same tree as murder, because you kill the betrayed in some form or the other. It is also not worth the grieve and heart ache you suffer as payment, no matter what the promised reward was. How do you sleep in the same house (as guest or other), eat together, laugh together and cry together with a person and turn around to hurt them INTENTIONALLY? This is why you don't blame the man who shot his wife and best-friend when he found them together in bed. That's taking two knives in the heart at the same time, most people die from that! At first everyone would be mad that he murdered them, but then after a while, he becomes the victim, and his sins are forgotten. Now I am not telling you which side you are to walk on, because God knows I am not qualified to do that, but when you do choose, stick to it.
Don't try to walk the line or be the 'good guy' in the 'bad guy's squad' or the 'bad guy' in the 'good guy's squad', because even if you live to tell the tale, no one would trust you. Your team won't for obvious reasons, the other team won't, well because you have 'traitor' stamped on your forehead. And please, please, please, whatever you do, don't self sacrifice. Don't tell me "someone has to do it" so therefore you decide to take it upon yourself to pull the trigger knowing you would be hated by the world for it even though you did them a favor, because lets face it, that's why the cops are there (and 'cops' here could be authority figure in any form depending on the situation). They already took an oath with the hidden message: "I'm gonna play savior and be the do the shitty job no one wants" and so there is no reason for you to do their job. Everyone knows the truth, but no one wants to say it. Deciding to say it would mean becoming an outcast. But then we need the truth in life.
Solution?
Mankind created official 'traitors' just like designated drivers. You hate them because they don't drink with you, they think they are better than you and you think they judge you every time, but then deep down you know you love them. Sure you may not show it from time to time, but when you are drunk (or with cops in trouble), they are the first ones you call. Now un-designated drivers who take on the jobs or designated drivers simply piss you off because you KNOW for a fact this time that they are judging you and don't drink with you and think they are better than you, except this time, you did not give them permission to do so.
I think I am ranting.

So basically, betrayal is being an 'amebo' as Nigerians would say. Doing a job you are not asked to. If the authorities had killed Jesse James, he would have gone down in history as a criminal. But since Rob did us the favor, he went down in history as the victim of betrayal. Which is an automatic 'get out of jail' free card for anyone, no matter what kind of shit you have attached to your name.

I think the point I tried to make in the above bla..bla..bla..would be: Don't be a Rat, cause no one likes rats.

Candies are a substitue for kisses...

Lets be clear here: Candies to me revolve around chocolate...just sounds better as candy rather than chocolate in the piece :P

A kiss is just like candy.
It can be sweet and gentle at times,
Slowly melting in your mouth as you let it unfold,
Making you want to melt along with it.

A kiss is just like candy,
It can be sour and rough as well,
Harshly stinging your mouth as it moves,
Yet drawing you in as it dares you to take it out.

A good kiss is like some candy,
It can be surprising,
It can be natural,
But one thing it can't be is boring. You always enjoy.

A bad kiss is like some candy,
You might anticipate it at first,
It may be well thought of by others,
But the second you taste it,
You quickly realize the world would not spin as it is meant to.

A kiss is just like candy,
Have too much of it and it might just harm you...
Have too little of it, and you just might run mad with wanting...
Candies and kisses...I do adore...

Trilogy: My Pain

The ultimate punishment is...
Death.
No, not one's death as is often thought, but the death of another.

When there is a love triangle involving two girls and a guy for instance, one of the girls usually feels she has more right to be with the guy than the other. But if he is interested in the other girl, she decides to commit suicide.
This is the ultimate punishment. They can never be together because apart they feel guilty, together, the feel guilt and loss, to the point that it turns to hate for each other.

When a mother abandons her child, and then ten years later she comes back for forgiveness, of course the child is not interested. Everyone calls her a bad mother and tries to send her away. But then she announces that she is suddenly terminally ill, and the entire world turns against the son, demanding that he forgives her. Him forgiving her or not in the end does not change the fact that he gets to loose her twice: Once when she abandoned him, and the other to death. The child already lived his life thinking his fate was punishment for some crime he had committed as a child. Her death would prove his point more in his eyes would it not? It would take a miracle to keep that kid from going south, won't it?

Have a fight with someone, and you know you are wrong. Maybe you said something that upset them really bad, and drove them over the edge. They commit suicide, and you never really get a chance to say "I'm Sorry." So you are left wondering if it was truly your fault that this unfortunate demise occurred, or if it was bound to happen anyway in the end.

You get a message that a certain friend is bitter towards you, yet you have not the faintest idea why. And in all seriousness of the matter, he or she fails to talk to you from that point onwards, despite your desperate attempts to make peace for what the devil himself knows not of. Then in a fatal accident, he is ripped away from life, and you are left with the pain and regret in your heart. What is it that I did to wrong him? Did he ever forgive me? And if, pray it be a blessing still, you are Christian, you are burdened by the additional plague that this certain someone might not have made it to heaven because he died harboring a fight in his heart against you. Now while some may say the fact that you apologized makes you free from guilt, it is totally impossible to be free now is it not? You were more than mere acquaintances with this fellow, and to believe that you have something to do with the fact that you two might never meet again, not even in the after life, or at least not above is too sad for words...and yes, is also truly a form of punishment for that sin...

Death.

Many believe death to self is the ultimate punishment. Yes it may be a free pass to eternal damnation, but it is bloody hell more painful to remain with the pain in the heart.
I have never been to the other side, thank heavens, but I have been on this end, and I have seen death that came with it more than the pain and sorrows of loosing the deceased. I have known death that unraveled a once tightly formed bond, so much so that the members become worse than strangers...but simply members of the human race, cohabiting the same space. Too disgusted to be more than that to each other, yet bound by some final wish made at a death bed to remain together.

How ironic it seems, that an unloved lover tells her lover to be happy with the woman he has picked over her, while the doctor clearly states that the cause of her death is that of betrayed love?
How ironic it seems, that we say we fear the unknown and try to stay clear of it to keep 'safe', yet the minute one is pushed to a far wall in an extreme situation, death - which is by far the greatest of the unknowns - is the first exit considered by most?

This punishment. This thorn. This tragedy. This plague. This force that we do not understand, yet holds so much of us bound and controls half of our fate - the other half controlled by its mortal opposite, life.
Death. How we fear it, how we shy from it. Yet when the heart turns cold and life is shed aside...how we run to it.

...Watashi no Hanshi...

"I think you are an emotional masochist, and because of that, I believe you sort of understand why regular masochist, some at least, do what they do." she said to me, and paused waiting for me to give her the go ahead, which I did with a smile.
"I learned this from House, the show I mean," she continued, shifting in her chair, a little nervous. Who could blame her, I wasn't helping wtih my emotionless fixed smile now was I?
"When House went off his pain pills," she continued, "the pain in his leg became unbearable. So he decided to break his pinky finger. Of course any normally functioning person would know that breaking your pinky is an unbearable pain, but it did not hurt as bad as the leg did. For a few minutes, his brain transferred the pain sensors to focus on his pinky, and he got relief from his leg."
She paused again and looked at me before she went on.
"I think that is the basic idea behind masochiesm. I mean the physical pain for them is easier to bear than what ever else they face. For you though, you don't like pain. At least not physical, and you don't want anything to show. So you get emotional pain." She smiled at me, as though she had just given me a compliment. I was a little baffled, but my smile remained unshakable.
"You do and say all sorts of things to get yourself worked up emotionally, and to make yourself sad. Because as long as you are sad, then the real pain remains masked and you get temporary relief."
She smiled sadly before she went on.
"The only time one knows you are in real pain, is when you make the mistake of inflicting a pain of greater or equal effect as the real pain. Then there is a problem. You either get a double doze of whatever it is you are trying to avoid, or you end up falling back to it as the lesser pain because the created substitute is too painful to be a sub."

I stared at her. In all her glory, no one could see her true colors. Her smile was as invented, easy to whip out and easy to put away. It was beautiful to the eyes, but painful to her heart. I did not let my gaze wonder lower, because then she decided to let the wishes come true, though that was not the case in reality. She wanted to make me 'face the problem', I on the other hand was fine as I was.
"Don't I get a 'congratulations you have done well figuring me out' or something?" she asked, pouting a little.
I chuckled as I stood up, genuinely out of amusement for the first time in a long time. I walked out of the room, leaving her behind, though I knew she was followed me to places no one else did. As expected, the smile was out once I left the privacy of our space and walked back into the world.

Yes, she knows me best, she who is also me. Atashi no Hansha...

You, me and I

Before I say yes,
Would you listen to my selfish requests?
Before we take this step,
Would you hold my hand knowing I might still say no?

Don't try to protect me,
Without telling me what I am being protected from.
Don't run ahead and clear the path,
Without letting me know you are going.

Don't tell me not to worry,
Because I will always do.
Don't go down the road to save me without me,
Because it wont work.

Did you know I was very fragile?
Even if you say you don't want me to worry or stop smiling,
Did you know I will always smile,
Just as easily as I breathe too?

Don't do things behind my back
because you are thinking about me,
Don't leave me in the dark,
because you think it's for my own good.

For the world,
Did you know I never cry but always smile?
I'm afraid, and I think you know why,
You do, don't you?

So now that you know,
Would you hold my hand still knowing I might say no?
Would you walk with me still, knowing I might turn and run right back?
Would you take the chance still, knowing I might not trust you enough to do so either?


Yapari, Migatte ne? Atashi?
Don't try to protect me,
By leaving me in the dark.
Don't tell me to smile and not worry,
and take care of it because I would.
Don't leave me behind ever,
because I might break.

Hold my hand as you ask,
Hold my hand as I answer,
Hold my hand through it all, onegaishimasu...

because...atashino sayaku no jidayo o sorete iru dakedu sorete...
dakara, dakara...taskete ni onegaishimas...

So now you know,
Would you let me be selfish just with you?
Would you let me take off this mask just for you?

Secret Addiction

You are not made to be an aphrodisiac,
But you work almost better to me.
I sit at dinner surrounded by all,
I smile when the need be,
As natural as my naturally-fake smile allows,
And in silence, I wait.

I wait and watch as the clock ticks,
Counting down earnestly for the hour,
I crave to run back to you as fast as I can,
But I cannot show my longing to all.
So I must be coy,
I must play it cool

If our relationship is known,
No one would understand.
If I let it out that I need you so bad,
People would freak!
Some may say its unnatural, that I'll make you an idol,
But we both know the facts.

I need you, maybe not as much as you need me
I want you, to the point that a daily dose is no longer enough.
I enjoy you, so much so, for you forever make me smile.
I am with you, because with you as a companion, life is never dull.
Did you know that I smile and laugh when I think of you?
Did you know it hurts me the most when you hurt me?

So as I am now, I wait.
Waiting, Watching, Anticipating.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, since when did time glide by so slowly?
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, I smile back at all who smile at me.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, finally, time is here!
Did you know, me and you, computer...I won't say...
Why?
Cause it's a secret...

The Games We Play

Your eyes look around,
Yet stare only at me.
There is the color in your eyes,
That only I can see.
In the midst of the crowd,
You stand separated from me,
Yet why is it that I feel your hands on me?

I whisper to the man that walks to my side,
He whispers back and I smile.
We both know I was talking to you,
From across the room, I know.
You feel it don't you?
I can tell
The way your body freezes at my voice.

Here we are standing side by side,
With the crowd around,
All I can do is laugh in wonder,
How do we do all this, stay sane and secret?

I can feel your touch,
You can feel my voice.
You say a word to another,
Yet I get the message from way yonder.
I chuckle as I always do,
but the look in my eyes you see screams seduction.

Finally the distance between us is covered,
At last from across the room, the gap is closed.
Now, we stand facing each other.
I run my hand down the diamonds you gave me,
Watching your gaze drift down to my neck as I approach,
Long enough to let the spot lights shine on you and me.
If this were on stage, all eyes would be on us.
"Hi, let me introduce you to my wife"
He says to you,
"Same here" You say to him, and you and the woman by your side smile at me.
You take my hand, give the back of my palm a kiss and say,
"Nice to meet you."

In this room we stay,
There is a crowd,
Yet why is it that I feel your touch?
As though we were alone with only the moon as our witness?
But you know one thing,
He stands here, and she stands there,
So we continue to smile and whisper and stare,
Enjoying the fun as we take turns tormenting each other...

Forbidden Contract

Last night,
At the cross road,
Where they say man meets the devil,
I sold my soul.
Not to the owner of the road,
As one would have expected,
Or to his helper,
As would have been the case.
But to a certain 'He'.

I still remember how the cold wind felt,
As it moved calmly yet seductively around me.
I remember the shape of the moon,
As it warmed me on that starry night.
Full moon?
So it seemed, as I signed with its light on the sand.

Last night,
At the place called the "Devil's Gate",
I sold my soul.
It was not to the devil as my other longed for,
But some may say my buyer was worse.
Yet
Whispering in my ears through the night,
Drowning me,
Making me sink deeper and deeper,
With each intoxicating breath I took,
It was hard to wake up from this newly found bliss.

Last night I defiled my Father and went to the Devil's Way,
Last night I defiled the devil and did business with another at his wake.
Surely the list of plagues that await me have become longer!
Surely my punishments are yet to be compiled!
But as I listened to the sound of his voice,
Gazing,
I was entrapped in the world in his eyes.
Surely if there was a pleasure known to man,
This would be it would it not?
Surely it was worth dieing for...
Was it not this?

Last night,
At the cross-road,
At the place where they say man meets the devil,
The place called the 'Devil's Gate',
I sold my soul to no other than 'He'.
And I thought "Hell be damned!" As I walked away with him,
Arm in arm,
The contract signed,
In blood and in mind,
There was no turning back.

The pain I feel

So I sprained my ankle today, and it hurts lyk hell! But then I noticed one thing, I actually prefer this pain to the other. I have never been a masochist, and frankly I dont intend to become one now! I certainly do not derive any pleasure from pain, but I actually see what it means to get relief from a lesser pain. Like that episode in 'House" when House broke his pinky to divert his pain sensors attention to the new and less painful feeling he felt, as opposed to the one in his leg.

But then I dont know how long I can hold up though. With the former, I could sleep and for that time forget about it and wake up with some minute of peace and solitude. But with this one, a slight movement hurts the most. And no, I still cannot shed a tear. So right now I wonder if this really is better? I cant cry it out, so I bear it...though I am one breath short of screaming. Wish I had some Valium or something strong to knock me out and make this pain go.

It hurts.

Fables

I think I was surprised when I saw the invasion of the blue mud,
Imagine my utter shock when the eye of the rock began to speak!
Is it really that tough coming up with a reason to ruin a relationship?
Or was it merely in his case that his fear was as foul as the stench of a rat?
For it formed a cloak around him, which bit into the air of all who drew near;
And he wore it as a vest, even in the seasons the sun burned the earth.

I got a sharp ache in my chest when I heard the doctor had fixed her eyesight.
For she had had a tough accident years back, and I told her then that the bruises on her face were nothing but significant beauty spots to help keep the memory of the accident clear in her mind, and that she looked hot!
I lied
No use telling a girl even a monkey would not date her now, if she can no longer see or walk.

Never let your child's first kiss be given by an inexperienced asshole.
It is almost as bad as giving her sawdust for her first meal as a baby.
Then you suddenly wonder why she acquired a taste for humans instead, and then reflect upon your ways when you find out your body is her first choice for meat and blood.
I think it is time to wake up though, as I have spent the last decade of my life asleep, hoping time too slept with me.

So-Fas

Who am I kidding? I am, in every way, obsessed with the piano or keyboard. I fell in love with music in the first place for this reason. Each note hits me like a prayer, and is very capable of flowing through my entire being. When I play the keyboard, I know I am no longer in this world, because I am lost in the melody that is created. Fascinated at the fact that just a simple touch of a key can create so much intricate and exotic sounds, sometimes delicate and other times extremely bold. Yes I still do adore the guitar, and I adore boys that play it the most, that in itself will never change. So you might wonder, why is it that I refuse to play the piano anymore?
Simple.
Because the melody of the piano is the only thing and the only sound that can get to that box. It gets to it to the point that sometimes, that which is in hiding and locked up inside is actually moved. It gets there so much so that for the few seconds I allow myself to indulge for a bit, I feel almost alive and complete again. So I run.
I run because that is the safest thing for me to do.
I run because at that very moment, the temptation to give in a reopen that box is too great.
But then even you know that I cannot open it. At least not yet, and not by myself. I do have the key to the box, but then me opening it myself would mean doom would it not? It cannot be that the only thing that knows the melody is the piano, and also the only one that can move this box and it's content so delicately.
Maybe you think I am a coward, and maybe you are right. Maybe you think I am simply being ridiculous, and again, maybe you are right.
But I cannot bring myself to think like you do, and open it simply because you say all these things.
So please, do not misunderstand me when I turn away and move in the opposite direction at the sight of one playing or at the sight of a piano. It is not out of a sudden hatred that I do this, for it pains my soul almost as badly as a stab to the chest would, each time I take this action. The fact that I am Christian is the only reason I believe my soul has not been sold to music. If I do believe in love right now, I will say that music is one thing I know I am in love with.
The sound of the piano, the so-fas, the notes, the melody...
The one thing that is capable of picking me up, spinning me around and over to another dimension, and bringing me back to this place with more longing than I had before I went. They say once you taste a good fruit, you never want to go back. Is this any different? It's like a drug you can get high off, and when you have too much of it, like I did, at some point, you become too obsessed, and a slight shift in things, a little change in fate, leaves you wanting, broken and almost destroyed. So the simple solution in recovery would be to hide that vulnerable part of you that was almost trampled, and stay away from the source of you mishap, no matter how painful such a decision may be.
...if I were to believe in love, music will be my first love...

あなたの目を開店したとき...

(When you opened your eyes...)

When you opened your eyes,
You said "Who are you?"
And my heart was crushed to bits.
When you opened your eyes,
You turned into her arms,
And my heart was ripped out from me.

Was our past all a dream,
Or is this the nightmare?
Just last night I was in your arms,
Just last night you whispered words about forever.
Who would have guessed I would play Cinderella?
Who would have thought my forever only lasted till midnight?

When you opened your eyes,
It was as though my heart stopped,
because the pain made time freeze for me.
How is it that you forgot it all in the blink of an eye?
How is it that the thing I wished for the most,
is that which kills me ever so slowly?

When you opened your eyes...
Oh my aching heart,
Is there a way to rip it out totally so it hurts no more?
It bleeds and is crushed, yet it would not leave me.
Is there away to run from this pain for good?

Now you've opened your eyes,
And your time has resumed.
Now you've opened your eyes,
Yet my time has stopped.
It is a sad joke fate plays on us.
We walk the same planet, two lovers, searching for our love,
Yet we are doomed to pass each other each time,
With the other only a breath away.

My Raven which isnt mine...

The raven flew away from me today again. He looks so beautiful and pure, that from a distance, it hurts to watch. I want to touch it and be close to it, but I fear each time I take a step closer, it seems to retreat from me even more. It flocks around with its own kind, and the truth in that hurts my heart. Do I wish to come over to your world?
Nay it is not that I wish for, but for you to come over to my world.
The raven has smiled again today. It is so sad that he smiles, yet when I look closely I see sadness in his eyes. What is it that haunts you so? Nay, I know it, yet I am chained and cannot help. I am a coward, this I know, so I am doomed to stay away and watch him play with his kind. I am doomed to stay away and watch him sink deeper and deeper. This is my punishment for being so weak.

Sometimes I want to yell and fight them off. I want to yell
"Don't touch him! Don't touch my Raven!"
Yet I realize even that is wrong. And this realization ties me down too. I have no claim over him, so I have no right to call him my own. In all fairness, they have more claim to him than I do, yet I cannot help but feel an ache in my heart when I see them with him or see him alone, as I know he is but in search of them.

It is not as though he does not know of my existence, it is more like he knows, but I do not come to him. Th Raven would not come to me, because he does not venture away from his kind. It is a lie to say he loves everyone as he claims to, because no one who says that with a smile is for real. In his eyes you can see the truth as clear as day. In his eyes there is a shadow there that makes me want to pick him up and draw him to me. In his eyes you can tell that this present him is but a shadow, and that there is the real him locked inside. What made him run and hide? What turned the tables for him? I want to ask these things, I want to be the one to know these things, because some how I feel as though no one else can tell. No one else can tell that this is a shadow of the real Raven.

Yet I know this would not do.
And this realization plagues me daily.

The Raven is away from me for now, but soon he shall return. He shall return to that spot where he always stays, within my eye sight, yet out of my reach. It is not love that I feel for this bird, as sadly, my heart in that sense has gone cold. Yet I long for it. I long to be close to this bird so much so that is hurts my frozen heart. Is it wrong that I want him all to myself? Aye it is, as he is for all, and I was called to find him by my master. But still, I wish he would play with me. I wish I would be the closest one to him. Yes I know, this is a selfish thought, and this as well keeps me from moving. The Raven is different from other birds, even his kind, because when I look at him, I feel as though he and I are kindred spirit. Is it the loneliness I see in his eyes mirrors that which I feel, isthis is why I am drawn to him?
The Raven lived today and smiled I am sure. With this distant light, some balm is spread on my aching heart.
Me and the Raven together even now, is but a Phantom of my imagination.

Thou which are not mine....

I stare at the wind,
the wind I cannot see.
I smile to myself,
because the wind is free.

I stare at the bird,
the bird I cannot catch.
I smile to myself,
because it can fly away.

Who clipped my wings and placed me here?
Who took me and sealed me in this space?
I look around but cannot find the culprit,
So I smile to myself.

Aren't I pitiful?
This distance between us is but a joke,
as I only need to look down to see the chains you have around my legs.
No matter how far I go, you have me on a leash,
When I try to forget, you pull the chains to remind me.
I have to smile for the world,
yet in the mirror, my reflection does not smile back at me.
Looking at that, I smile to myself
"Aren't I pitiful?"

I stare at the sun,
In all her glory,
yet like me she is on a leash,
confined to walk the day alone,
and hide in the shadow of the moon at night.
I watch the moon,
In all her beauty,
yet like me, she is on a leash,
confined to walk the night alone,
and hide in the shadow of the sun in the day.
I smile to myself, and it seems they smile back,
"Aren't we pitiful?"

The things I ask...

And if i tell you he stole (took without permission) an item from me, and I am going to take it back from him without asking, would you say I'm also wrong? Did I too sin as well by taking back, what was in the first place, originally mine, without asking?
If he pulls the trigger on everyone around me, and I do it to him before he does it to me, will you also say that I was wrong too? Did I too sin as well, by killing him before he killed me?
If she sleeps with men who are not married to her, and I give in to a rape making it seem consensual, will I too be seen as a whore? Did I too sin by not fighting anymore so as to reduce the damage that would be done to me?

I ask you these things,
yet you give me no reply.
I ask you these things,
yet you look at me in silence.
Do you not have anything to say to me?
Do you not have anything to confess to?

Don't compare the two of us,
simply because it is convenient for you!
Don't compare the two of us,
simply because you cannot think of a better word to use for me!
Don't compare the two of us,
because I am 'Me', and you are 'You'!

Is it fair that you smile at the moon from afar,
yet up close you treat it differently?
From afar it looks like the perfect twin,
pure and bright with no imperfections,
yet up close, you see the scars it tries to hide,
and you, believing it is the evil twin, are quick to judge.
You, believing it is the lesser one, are quick to run and hide.
Is it fair that you smiled and raised hope without finding out the other side,
only to turn around and crush that Hope along with the shred of life that once was there?

You say the words,
I hear them well,
Yet as your mouth moves,
You body moves in the opposite direction.
Step out of the picture and take a closer look,
Is it one side of you I see, all of you?
If you wish to show me all of you, then I would accept you as you are.
But if you wish to show me a side of you, then keep the other side away from me forever.
For it would crush the me that has come to love the side of you that I know,
and the me that was before I met you, all together, to find out there is a different side to you.

Proof of my adventurous crazy side...

For personal reasons, I am not going to use any names in this tale...O and it's not proof read, so bear with woteva!!! :)
So I just got back to my dorm at about 5.30pm today, after a very random and funny 32 hours. To put it simply, I went on an unplanned, unexpected and totally ridiculous road trip.
K I'll skip the first part and start with Saturday morning. I got a call from one of my friends, saying I should get dressed so we could go to the mall. This was around 10.30am, after I had gone to bed at 6am. I was pretty tired, but I had promised to go along with her so I got off my bed, got dressed and got into the car. There was another girl there, making three of us, and we set off originally to go to the mall, and ended up five hours away from Carbondale, in a town called Peoria!!!!!

Okay when we got to the mall and got done shopping, we decided to go get something to eat. Of course we wanted something different, and thought about Red Lobster, but the closest one was in Marion, which is 30mins away from Carbondale. So we were off to Marion. To tell the difference between the girls, I'll use OF, as in Old Friend, and NF, as in new friend. Should be pretty easy to understand right? Anyway, my OF say the "Stake and Shake" sign and decided she wanted lunch there. So we were off to Stake and Shake, Red lobster was quickly forgotten.

While we were having lunch, NF, and the driver as it turned out to be, suggested that we go to Padukah, (An hour north of Marion), and go window shopping or something at the mall there. (Pls note that nothing happened with regards to this thought, but we always tell it as part of the story so....lol). Anyway, somewhere along the line, she changed her mind and said lets go to D'Quater (Sorry, I don't know how to spell it so thats how it's pronounced)....anyway, we decided that that was a better option (Did I mention that this was 3.5hrs South of our present location?) because some of NF and OF's friends were going over there to have Indian food for dinner. So we got done with lunch, hopped into the car and we were off to D'Quater.

No pls note that we acc did not know where exactly this place was, but we had a general idea u know and of course an atlas. On the way, OF announced that this sort of feels lyk a road trip, and then NF said "Well that would only work if we spend the night else where." Then she added "We could spend the night in Peoria." and looked at me. Yes, yours truly was so ready to back up that idea, and I definitely responded with a "Hell Ya!" to that bright idea.... OF called her sis and told her about the plan, then asked if we could sleep over. She said yes, and we told her we would be there at 10pm, and the journey continued.

We hung out with their friends as planned at D'Quater, had Indian food, also as planned, and then decided that it was time to head off to Peoria, when we suddenly realized that Oh, we did not have a place to crash at! The plan was to get to OF's sister's place before 10, but unfortunately that plan fell through and we were homeless. Yes these three college kids figured out that they had no place to stay at 12am in the morning! Genius, I know! We decided we'll head off there anyway, worst comes to worst, we'll crash at a motel or something. Then OF remembered she had a friend who stayed in Treemounth, or some place with a name lyk that, which was close to Peoria, and that we could crash there. So we called her friend, got an ok from her, and were off to her house.

Of course we had to make a quick stop at Wallmart to get somethings as we were to arrive at this house with only ourselves and our wallets! Sweet! We crashed in OF's friends house, without seeing the owners of the house! Got in at 2am and the out at 8am. We went off to NF's house and literarilly snuck in while everyone was out, because she was not meant to be there, and then got out before anyone came in. Almost like a B&E, just we had the keys to the front door, and a member of the family with us. lol.

We made OF call this guy who had a thing for her, and ask him to meet us for breakfast, so we had breakfast in Peoria first. Though he never showed up and got deeper in our bad books for sure. Nyhu, after our B&E, we went off to Pecan to get OF's full length mirror from the place she stayed at, and helped the lady there move some stuff. finally, we bagan our trip back to Carbondale at 12pm, and arrived at 5pm - This story would not be complete if I forget to mention the fact that we had to drive through a storm and almost got into a car wreck when NF tried to over take a truck and the car began to slide from side to side, rather that move forward. But of course, God willing, we got out of that one...

So the difference between this and my trip to St Louis last semester was the fact that the trip to St Louis was planned (though the events that occurred on the trip such as getting lost, getting lost some more, returning to town at 2am and not getting to see any of the things we went to St Louis to see but still having fun anyways), but this trip to wot turned out to be 5 different towns, was not....

So here I am back in my room at last, after my trip to the mall. This was a very random thing to do, but definitely awesome and a thing for the books! Me, being a 'safe' dare-devil, if such a term exists, was super stoaked the entire time we were on the trip and about it!!!! My grand kids are gonna have a ball with this one. "During my first summer skol in college, I took a trip to the mall, had lunch in a town 30mins away, dinner in one 3.5hrs away, and then breakfast in one 5hrs away with nothing but my self, friends, and goodies from a short trip to Wallmart!!!

Good times!!!

Jaa-Nee!!!

Wishful thinking....

I've been thinking, is it wrong to want to have some fun and excitement, even though you know for sure you would not be satisfied if what you do is not dangerous or daring? I mean one way or the other, a monotonous life becomes what its called monotonous! It really never gets any better than yesterday. You do the same thing over, and over and over again. Thats why I don't think I can stand a desk job. Not that I have anything against those who do it right now or who plan on going into that, I mean, to each his own right?

So now that I have said the first stage of my thoughts, lets go on. What do I do that would make my life fun right now? I've already given up on trying to stay on the good side of everyone, especially those that I really couldn't care less about in a couple of years when I move, and since most of the people whose opinions count know would take me as I present myself, I think I am free to play a little game right? I mean, it really has been a while. I guess the only problem I have is the fact that when I start, I usually have to play till the end or game over - not that that has ever occurred, game over I mean - and I don't think I am quite ready to make such a commitment yet you know. No scratch that, I think am just being too freaking lazy right now. lol.
Well since I have decided that I want to play a game, I need to make sure the factors and the other players are involved. I mean there is not fun playing a game with no goal or prize now is there? Thats almost as bad as just living. lol. Don't get me wrong, I do love living. But then simply 'living' is like standing still in a game world. There is no fun in that. You have to figure out what the price or goal is, and then aim for it. So I need to work out the kicks for the game, the other players, if I can stand to have any, and the goals for each level.

If you are still trying to figure this out, I am talking about mind games. And yes, I know I probably sound pretty much on the crazy side right now, but the good part is, thats all part of the fun. Being a little crazy, and having something to talk about and possibly get high over in the end...

Because am tired and I really have nothing else to say right now, no scratch that, I don't feel like saying anything else right now, I'll just go, and leave you to ponder over the mystery of the crazy that is Mi.

Ja-Nee

Farewell Message

*For those of you who love animes or mangas, and read or watch Vampire Knights or Blood Plus, this might be considered a spoiler to some level, and I suggest you stop reading this now.

In all my life, i can only think of one other time I've been plagued with such devastatingly disturbing and heart wrenching emotions, as I was last night when I ventured to look into the future of my once beloved anime Vampire Knights, and that was when I watched Blood+. Vampire Knights was once a very vital part of my life up until about 12 hours ago, and I think it would be only fair that I give it a befitting farewell. If for nothing, simply for the existence of beauties like Kuran Kaname, Aidou, Zero, Ichirou and the rest. Haven said that, lets begin.

WHAT. THE. F&*%!?!?!?!

I've tolerated a lot of things when it comes to me and animes/mangas, but being led on for so long is not something I can stand ever! To actually think I began the story thinking that there was some form of romance blooming, only to find out that Kaname and Yuuki are siblings, and that the love she has for Zero is nothing more than sibling or agape love was heart wrenching. I mean seriously, his sister? That gave me the same feeling I got when I watched the last episode of Blood+. Yes, just after Hajji kissed Saya, the act we all waited for, he said I love you, and proceeded to die at the very last second, the ultimate love sacrifice. (Oh did I mention that I hate self-sacrifice? Guess not. Yes I am one of those that believes there is another way out, other than becoming a martyr in such a situation).

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only do all those gorgeous beauties go to waste, another anime I have encountered like this, but the anime suddenly lost its theme, and probably the purpose for being aired as far as I can tell. I mean the reason I watched it was the fact that there was going to be some love battle and then finally she would decide who to be with. Of course there were wars and things going on in the Vampire Kingdom that had not been explained and which added to the thrill, but as far as I am concerned, the love story was the foundation of that anime. In essence, Vampire Knights crumbled after I saw that.

It pains me that I would no longer be able to talk about the existence of such magnificent beauties as I have been fortunate to encounter in Vampire Knights, mainly because my BFF and I have an unspoken rule of not dredging up sad or bad memories, so as to refrain from getting angry. I fell in love with almost all the male characters in the anime, and so I think it is only fair that I 'break this thing up' formally, and not just ditch it and run. I have to say for those who actually don't mind initial disappointments, the other side of the story about the wars and politics of the Vampire Kingdom seems pretty interesting. But I cannot bring myself to watch the anime anymore, because I would constantly be reminded of the pain I got in my heart when I found out that they were all related. I am not going to go into how sick I felt at first, when I thought of the fact that they almost veered off totally into incest, because if I do, this would be way too long, and I have an assignment to get to. I have officially decided that anything that has to do with Vampires mainly in the anime or manga world, is not for me, and I shall stay away from them until I can find, through third party connections of course, one that allows me to get my happily ever after.

One a good note, I loved the fact that Inuyasha proved itself of being worthy to be called my favorite of all time, when it came to a beautiful conclusion this week. I know some people might think it is shallow to want 'happily ever afters' only when I watch fantasies or fictions, but first off, let me say that that is totally and utterly your problem. I watch things to escape the real world, and not to be reminded of it. If I wanted to see a sad tale, all I have to do is take up residence at some house in the world, and I would be sure to get a sad tale sooner or later. If its a fantasy or fiction, don't build up a possible happy ending and crash just two seconds before you show "The End". That way I can stay away from the movie if I see where its headed in time, and then take the blame for watching something I don't want, if I decide to proceed.

I truly would miss the Vampire Knights I originally started watching, and to that I bid
悲しい別れを告げる。( a sad farewell to you).

-また後で (See you later).

The Break-Up

If dawn comes and you are gone,
I won't cry for you.
You may think it's because I lack love for you,
You may think I led you on all this time.

If dawn comes and you are gone,
I will laugh still.
You may think I wished you dead,
And that I'm glad you are gone.

But truth...

If dawn comes and you are gone,
I won't weep because my heart would bleed from it,
I won't weep because I may never stop.
I won't weep because you said "see you soon", and by God I will.

if dawn comes and you are gone,
I'd laugh at the joke my life has become,
I'd laugh at the fact that last night is the last memory of that smile I'll have,
I'd laugh because my forever has come to an end.

So if dawn comes and you must go,
Hold me in your arms one last time,
Tell me it's okay and kiss my true smile,
For it would be the last of it the world shall see.

These words of mine....

I am a loner, yet I am afraid to be alone,
I am adorned with a sense for adventure,
a restless spirit, yet I am terrified of the unknown.
I long to go places, I long to be someone, I long for something,
But the world seems to glide right past me, like the passing tide at sea,
Over me, under me, but not through me.

I believe that I am an investment,
and like every other one there is,
payments can come to an end.
I know in my head that that is not true,
but I cannot seem to wrap my mind or heart around the truth.

People think I try to fight for what I want,
Yes I do try to fight for what I want.
But sometimes, I run, because it's easier on my heart.
Maybe I stick physically, but I run internally.
What use is there staying when you soul has left the scene?

I thought I knew what it was I wanted,
No, I know what it is I want,
but I am scared to believe I can get it.
For the few things I have believed in came to an end,
Far too soon for me to even have possible fathom.

But its nice to know that somethings in me do not change.
Even though they are sad, they still do not change.
Doesn't that make me human in a sense?
I am tired, and I want to rest,
but rest eludes me, toys with me and mocks me.


I want to go, go and keep going,
but a destination eludes me, toys with me and mocks me.
I chose to sit and wait long ago,
but after centuries of waiting to no avail, can you blame me for my decision?
It's over now, nothing began, and at last, nothing has finally come to an end.
I quit.

At 2am...

So am terribly freaked out about the fact that there is a really fat chance - fat chance being the key phrase here - that I might be getting something far from an A in my Calculus this semester. Well that is pretty messed up, considering the fact that I got everyone so hyped from my last result, and I would possibly be bringing them all crashing down with a loud bang this coming result. You have to forgive me if my sentences are not in accordance to the English rules and all, am pretty tired, and in dieing need of some sleep here.

I just read one of my friends blogs. Well I won't exactly call him a friend, I mean we simply went to High School together, never really talked there or afterwards, except on night last year or so, which is a story for a different eve. Anyway, he went on and on in this one blog about this girl that he had a crush on, and for some reason it made me think of my emotional stand point right now. lol. Emotional stand point. I sound a little retarded. Moving on. I am actually starting to get extremely bored with the state my life has been so far, and I have been thinking of some way to get it all hyped up you know. I mean the whole me falling for a guy right now cant work and would be so bloody inconvenient, but I was thinking of playing a match maker again for some reason. I do get a high from slightly negative suspense that I, or another genius at such, creates, and it wont hurt to have some fun now would it? K before the moral police force begins to attack me, by negative suspense, I mean doing something sneaky with excruciatingly perfectly laid plans, and watching it unfold. Lyk when people plan the perfect robbery and watch their master piece take action in movies for instance...lol... I mean there are really very few feelings that can beat the one you get when you have a perfect plan, and watch others try to crack it. Don't get me wrong, nothing in life can be perfect. But then when you have a plan with a flaw, and you alone can actually identify the flaw, is it not considered perfect in the eyes of the rest of the world?
I should probably get to bed now you know. Have so much outstanding shit to get done, don't even know where to begin. My calculus assignment is threatening to be the death of me, and I have an English paper to get done. So you do understand why I am stressed out, and totally incapable of doing one more school related work. I so badly want to travel and play right now, its not even funny. I know it is not sensible to have plans for your future that are simply made up of fun, risks and games to some people, but what then is the point of living, when you cannot wish to redo things or smile about things, because of the high feeling you had when you did them?
Some people think I am crazier than the average human being is, maybe I am. But in the words of Merilyn Monroe, even though she was definitely not famous because of her words, "imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring!"

Free Spirit 2

Have you ever seen her?
She runs wild with the wind,
Has no cares in the world.
Her form ever so fascinating,
her beauty, a thing of delight.
She bows to no one,
And forms bonds alone.
She is not tamable,
You simply must choose to take her on her own terms.
She runs,
Free of all burdens.
She runs, and she loves it.
I watch her, and I wish.
I wish for what she is,
I wish for what I could be.
For sometimes, it feels as though I have broken free from this cage.
But then when i try to move far,
I realize it is simply but a leash.
Ai, it is long enough that I may wonder,
But not enough to set me free.
So once again I sit and stare,
I wish and wonder.
Once again I am drawn, mesmerized and given a breath of fresh air.
As I behold what is possible, what can be,
And my hope's flame remains ablaze.
Have you ever seen her?
The Mustang,
She runs free and wild,
The wind is her sole companion,
The west her home.

Free Spirit

I want to run,
Run away from here.
To where?
I never know.

I want to run,
Run free with the wind,
To have the air blowing in my face,
And have no worries in life.

I want to run,
To a place where the birds sing freely,
A place where they sing together,
And where their melody brings peace and joy.

...that la la...

Some people think I am either crazy or simply live in a dream world, because I believe in happily ever afters. I don't know if I agree with them, or if I don't. Doesn't matter.

I believe in music, and I believe it is a way to tell a story.
I believe every song, every lyric is a string, which connects us all to things.
I believe music is the sound and voice of the soul.
I believe music is the most powerful thing there is, and it can either strengthen you, or destroy you.
I believe everyone has a music in them, and all some need is a little boost to get it out and flowing.
I believe everything has its own music,
I believe everything beautiful has its own music.
I believe that music is the only medicine for the heart.
I believe that music is the magic of life.