The Wonderer

.... It returns .... 

Like an unappeased spirit, it goes and returns. 

Taunting mi. Beckoning mi. Cajoling mi. Taunting mi. 

It watches. 

Never far away, silently mocking mi. Waiting. 

It leaves, and for a moment, the rush is back. 

I feel it in my veins. 

I can breathe. 

I am free once more to chase the high. 

The high that continues to elude mi. 

The high it lets me get close to but never attain. 

Then it returns. 

Taunts mi. Mocks mi. 

I sit in the fog and wait till it leaves once more. 

Wait till it is bored of mi once more. 

Till it is ready to move again. 

Then my peace returns and the wonderer resumes. 

I sit and wait. 

.... I sit and await the return of the fickle mistress ....

The Secret and Pandora's Box.

I can keep a secret.

I can as long as it isn't about mi. 

Then, I inevitably loose the ability to stay quiet. 

Maybe it's because secret worthy affairs occur so rarely in my life, I feel the need to share. 

Like a desperate way of saying 'hey pay attention, I'm not not special. I'm not that boring'. 

I hear myself talking. But like a broken dam, I can't shut up until it is all out. 

Of course, like clockwork, the regret begins as soon as the first word leaves my mouth. 

I want to stop.
Not everyone has to know. 

It's okay to not stand out. I
t's okay to keep somethings inside.
It's okay to have no story to tell. 

I understand this.
Truly I do.
But I don't know how to stop. 

xo

Moth of Butterfly??

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." 

- Chimamanda

In my last and final therapy session, we talked about my RED, and how, regardless of what I hear about myself, I still feel larger and bigger than what is probably reality. The first line of the statement above could not be truer with mi. Somewhere in life, at some point in time, it became ingrained in mi to believe that I needed to and should be smaller. Occupy less space. Not stand out. Not over shadow. Granted, when I was younger, my way of attaining this position stemmed from mi developing a RED. This soon morphed to include the distorted belief that my presence is also overwhelming, and needs to be more contained. Because as a girl, as a lady, I am meant to be smaller and in the background. 

Why??

I guess the answer to that will be the next step in removing mi from this twisted web of oxymorons I have been trapped in.

Culture, Religion and Psychology

I currently am a part of a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program, where models that stress individuality and the culture of a person, like the 'ADDRESSING' and 'RESPECTFUL' model, are emphasised and verbally emphasised. At the same time, I am highly, and sadly, amused at the level of judgment and prejudice that comes up, predominantly against religion, but also against a majority of cultures considered 'not first world' or 'not modernised'.

The cultural aspect I can chuck up to an overall lack of knowledge, exposure and awareness. If your knowledge about another culture is not based on first hand knowledge to a certain extent - and by that I also mean interacting with individuals from that culture - but solely on what you see in articles written by individuals that are not a part of that culture, yet you choose to insist that your view is accurate than that of a member of the culture's, because yours is 'research based', then that is a lack/personal choice to be ignorant.

The religious aspect, that I find unsettling. It seems like there is an unspoken requirement, and a general endorsement to question/remove 'God', or the idea of religious beliefs from psychology. This is different from the concept of spirituality, which is very well embraced, most especially if its in the concept of meditation et al. However, everything in connection to religion is talked about from a judgmental stand point, and I sit listening both baffled and saddened. How and why is having faith in God a negative factor to mental health?? Why and how is being able to recognise that while there are problems associated with psychology, there are also issues that are spiritual in nature something that makes you 'superstitious' and therefore, 'not realistic'?? The message I get here is you can be a psychologist or have a religion, but you cannot be/have both. Laughing at the idea of 'exorcism', and chucking it up to 'superstition', can we still say its a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program??

And I do recognise that since I am trying to be as de-identifying as possible, some of my statements might sound judgmental and off base, but for those who know the background of where this is coming from, it might make sense and be kinda on base.

Ok, end of rant.

xo

Existential crises??

For the past few days, I've been feeling off. It's been feeling as though I don't know what I'm doing all this for anymore. Not quite that either. 

My BFF said its cause I get super invested into things I'm interested in, and then I get bored and want to move on cause I can no longer get the 'high'/ pleasure I envisioned. Which is a fact. 

Only this time, I got invested in a 5yr contract thing. Now, I'm stuck. 

It's not that I don't want to finish the program. It's that I want to get that rush of passion again, but can't even for something else cause I don't have time. I'm constantly thinking, what have I been doing with my life?? Any toast in my name will be quite academic only. That is very, very disappointing to think of. There is also the fact that the debits to my account have been increasing, and I can't really see the returns. Not earning my own, still living as a dependent, it's hard to not wonder if it's worth it. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark of my own house and wondering, what's next??