Anxiety 101

So today at martial arts training, I had the unexpected 'pleasure' of experiencing an anxiety attack. We were being taught how to get out of a choking situation, and after what seemed like hours but was probably 15mins of back and forth rounds practicing, I had to quit. Walked out, paced for a bit, difficulty breathing, crying.....fun times. 

Back story: had a traumatising experience as a teenager, as you can imagine, choking isn't my favourite pastime. 

One thing I noticed though was I didn't feel the anxiety take over my body. I still felt relatively calm, at least in the moment. I was able to endure the situation for far longer than I expected. 

Another thing I learned was I want the reaction of the people around mi to match the level of 'seriousness' or 'special' that I deem the situation merits. I watch the scene play out, and all I can think of is 'it's not that serious' or 'calm down' or 'you're not special, this is normal.' At the same time, in thinking is it the negativity speaking?? Am I being too hard on myself?? I mean it is a big deal what happened right?? Or am I wrong?? 

Ah, to have a day where I feel and simply accepting the feeling, without placing a 'good' or 'bad' label on it/thinking I've done something wrong or messed up once more. 

Off to write apology texts to the people I train with for 'freaking out'. Even though I know the response is going to be what reality already is - accepting and non-judgmental, I still have to confirm otherwise the crazies get in the way. 

Better days to come....

Full Circle

Ocean. 

Not drowning. 

 But uncomfortable in a familiar way. 

Fought it off so long. The thoughts, the voices, the constriction. 

Bottled it up. The unexplainable tears, fighting back the breakdown. Giving in to the tears but not knowing why. 

It hurts. 

Too many days getting dressed in front of the mirror maybe. 

Too many days ignoring the voices but not battling. 

Feeling sick. Want it all out. 

Wish being sick would make it go away. 

But that's another drop in the ocean isn't it?? 

Full circle. Drowning but not yet. 

Crazy Circle

Complainer and hypocrite. 

Those are the two reps of the negative voices I've had to battle with recently. 

With both comes attention seeker. 'Your problems aren't that serious;' 'no one wants to listen to you brag in the name of complaining;' 'stop trying to play the victim role;' 'the focus doesn't have to be on you....'

I find myself thinking I need to apologize after every conversation, because I think 'oh I was complaining again' or 'I tried to make that all about me/invalidated the other person' or 'I shouldn't have said that'. I'm starting to feel anxious talking to people because I think I'm just walking around offending everyone. And though they continue to smile or converse, I feel them withdraw from mi. Or maybe it's mi withdrawing. I read into the smiles and interpret them as being polite. In some cases, I even apologize, and then I read into their responses. "It's okay, I understood what you meant" that means they were offended. They probably still are. The apology wasn't enough. Or they were not offended before I brought it up, and now they are. 

"Oh no don't worry about it" that means they were offended. They are used to mi being an ass. I know it's a downward spiral of negative thoughts. I know I'm getting myself riled with the thoughts. I know if this continues, it will lead to a hole I'm unfortunately too familiar with. But right now, I don't know how to turn off the anxiety and senseless worrying. I also can't talk to anyone cause we go right back to the beginning....complainer; hypocrite. I just hope this goes away a little faster than the slow creeping way it began.