Happy Fears

These days....actually since this year began, I've been unreasonably (for mi) happy and excited, it scares me. Nothing in particular has happened or is happening, but I find myself suddenly giddy and excited....anticipation but in a positive manner. A random thought occurred to mi today: When I get my doctorate degree, I might not practice, or at least, not for long. Now isn't that an amazingly terrifying thought?? Worked all these years and I finally accepted that I truly don't think this is ultimately what I want. LMAO. Doesn't help that my dad has always said that he sees mi as something else (don't want to say), despite all the schooling he has sacrificed for haha.

Letter to You for Them

You say it’s not real. Factory made; 1st world generated to profit the pharmaceuticals. You say if you have Christ, you can’t get it. You ask what are you feeling that way for?? You ask why?? You ask what made you that way. You ask why can’t you shake it off?? 

Cancer is a disease with a tumor. With and without Christ, a tumor can grow. Who knows a reason for its existence? Most cancers are treated with chemotherapy. An exhausting, tiring and grueling experience. Tiring. At some point, some give up. Some say no more; they ask for rest and they get it. They are told well done. 

This tumor isn’t visible. This tumor eats at the mind instead. But it’s devastating nonetheless. The treatment is an exhausting, tiring and grueling experience.  But why is it not okay to want to rest?? Why is it not okay to be told you’ve done well?? 

“You can say well done; I know it’s hard, I know it’s tiring. You’ve done well, you’ve fought well. You’ve come this far, don’t give up now.” You could say that. That acknowledges the pain; that acknowledges the hurt. 

That says “I see you; I hear you; I’m with you; I support you; I love you; I’m praying for you.” You could say that and maybe, just maybe, it will bring the strength to fight another day. 

Maybe that will make one feel a little stronger and want to believe in healing, in miracles, in a clear day. 

But when you say it is a factory made, first world problem; when you say as long as you have Christ, you can’t have it, then you have invalidated the pain, the fight, struggle and hope. 

You kill with your words and actions faster than it does. 

xo

Tales by Moonlight

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ponder the question 

“am I really happy?? 

What can make me happy??” 

My best friend says I get bored easily; loose interest in things almost as suddenly as the frenzy that takes a hold of mi when I gain interest in them. The only things that haven’t come to bore mi are language, travel and writing; but I suspect that is simply due to the fleeting and rare opportunities I have to practice them. 

The limited-edition-like feeling remains fresh each time. I long for something always, yet I don’t quite know the name of it. 

Some psychologists will suggest acceptance in order to arrive at happiness. But the act of accepting is almost synonymous with settling.

 I feel trapped and caged. Yet I know the door is open; though I remain unaware of what direction to fly off to. 

So, I write. I write and hope for the fog to lift someday. 

Heaven Knows Best

A cry for help we call it.
We all rationalize and try to explain it. But I don't think there is a rational explanation for the pain that comes with emotional distress. The kind that makes you constantly exhausted even after hours of rest. The kind that makes you constantly lonely even in the midst of people you know believe they care. The kind that makes you constantly yearning, even with an abundance.
When the darkness closes in, it feels suffocating; foreign yet familiar. Threatening and nonthreatening at the same time. You want to tell someone, but the fear that they wouldn't understand, or worse, offer you that hope that you believe won't last keeps you. You want to tell someone, but it feels like the darkness will intensify; engulf and swallow you if you speak out or make your presence known.
And then slowly, you give up fighting; give up wrestling; stop hoping. A calmness sets in, as you feel it become you.

Woke up to the news of Shinee's Junghyun's death.

RIP

xo

1012 for the 12th time

So I woke up on the 11^th and realized I had missed the 10^th without a second thought. It was an odd feeling for me, moving forward?? Forgetting?? Growing up?? Life happening?? I can’t still place it. December 10^th has always been a day of mixed feelings for me; melancholic happiness so to speak. This year, maybe because my schedule was so off and I was down with a cold….ah, excuses. I am still going to back date this post cause it is for the 10th after all :) 

This year, I am celebrating the lives of the two survivors, more so my dear friend. This year, I am thankful for the continued healing process, both for the survivors and for family and friends. This year, I am grateful for the ability to remember with a smile, no matter how bitter sweet. This year, I can honestly say, I am better than I was before.

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2017:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

So....

someone else. Well more like I’m mad he doesn’t like mi I guess. I don’t think I want  a relationship, I just want him to like mi. And I hate the feeling. Especially cause he likes my friend. A lot. 

I want to go home. Sleep in the parking lot, I don’t care. Anywhere but hers. I’m not fit to drive. I shouldn’t be behind the wheels. But I guess I like him more then I thought and I can’t be with her. I just want to be with myself. 

He likes her. 
He dotes on everyone. I want to go home. 

I like him. 

I don’t want this.  

I’m tired

So, take mi home....

I don’t like him.

 I just want the attention and I was mad about that. 

I just liked feeling special and got mad when it was taken away. 

Hand on my shoulder....

Hey, 

It's been a while since you've drifted through my mind, even longer since I remembered the last interaction - ironically the first in months - we ever had. The way we abruptly ended taught me that I never wanted to have any regrets in life. You leaving hurt just as everyone else's did; except more because I never got to know "why." Our friend knows why, or at least she says she does. But wouldn't it be silly and selfish of mi to ask her about it now, 12 years later?? I'm sure she loved you more, or at least in a different way than I did. I'm okay now though. The pain, guilt, regret, hurt....all those are gone. I smile now when I think of you. Not a happy smile, more wishful in nature, but not sad either. I've also learned to let go when I can't figure out how, when or why someone is upset with mi and would not say....well that depends on the someone. Because heaven knows that if I had the chance back then and now, I would stalk you like I did before to make up with you, get you to smile and laugh with mi once more. I would give anything to know that my worst fears, the words I was told back then are not true, and that you are in deed fine and resting peacefully. Anything to know that I would definitely see you smile and laugh again. 

xo

Mi

Delight??

Nothing excites me anymore. 

I lay awake at night cause the prospect of sleeping is unappealing. Yet as the morning dawns, I wish the night would go on some more because the sun comes with a new day I have to engage with and socialise. 

I'm not sad or depressed. I just....am

That I may delight in your word....

What does that mean?? More specifically, what does it mean to delight in something?? Take pleasure in?? Now I don't remember what that feels like. At least not for an extend period of time. 

How are you??

Dread that question more and more recently. I don't know how to answer. "I'm fine" sounds like a lie even to my ears, and always comes with a follow up question. But it isn't exactly that I'm not fine either. I mean I don't think it is. 

Rambling. 

My reality distractors are no longer working. Feels like I need to "up the dose" to get my fix. But I've gotten to the max for all current vices, no motivation to seek out others so here we are at the stand still. Everything feels effortful. My immediate thought is "too much work." 

I wish I was into things that granted euphoria. 

Ah, there it is....my revolving companion....free fall. 

xo

The Question of Loyalty

Loyalty.

I've never given much thought to the boundaries of that word, never had much cause to honestly. Until my experience this weekend. In summary, simply because I have no desire to rehash the upsetting affair in full, my friend's bf was verbally disrespectful to mi in public, and her response was to "stand in the middle" so to speak, not taking "sides". In the moment, I didn't think much of her response or lack of one thereof. I was more interested in going home and removing myself from the situation. But then once I got home, showered and had my second favorite ice cream, I had the mental space to be upset at her, and the word loyalty began floating in the air.

First off, i think regardless of the circumstance, there are no grounds for your bf to be disrespectful to your friend. You, as the common factor, are responsible for (for lack of a better word) checking him, as being disrespectful to your friend(s) is the same as being disrespectful to you. The reverse - friend disrespecting boyfriend - is also true.

Second, loyalty came to my mind because I have consistently been asked since -  do I want to remain friends knowing fully well that he will remain in her life and that I do believe she had the same "sweep it under the rug/no one was at fault" style response to both of us??
But then again, is it fair/"loyal" to cut off a friendship because of a boyfriend?? Ah, but many a relationships have died for less.

I think what bothered mi the most was that she continued to excuse his behaviour, as she tried to explain the situation and apologise for creating a situation where we (bf and I) would interact, as we have "opposite personalities". Does being a objectionable pass as a personality then?? And what personality does not clash with that?? Saying we disagreed due to "opposite personalities" makes the event partly my fault, and that is frustrating as I don't think saying I don't want to wait an hour in line just because a location had great reviews when we were already pressed for time, tired and hungry, warranted the come back I got. Also, she had previously stated that he was frustrated with her, but because he couldn't speak to her in "that manner" (the manner with which he spoke to mi), he carried out his frustrations on mi....so it's not an issue of "opposite personalities", but childishness/poor emotional regulation then??

OK, I guess I am still very much upset by the event. But I don't even have the energy to engage in "fixing this", and as my default is to let go and walk away, I'm sitting here contemplating, albeit ambivalently, as she plays pendulum between the two of us. I'll let you know what I decide once I get bored of sitting.

Alright, rant over.

xo

My love for K-Stars

so recently, TOP was hospitalized for an overdose and I discovered the true meaning of having a compulsion to manage an obsessive thought/anxiety. I kept refreshing my search browser with every rising heart rate. So I'll be calm, feel my heart rate speeding up after thirty mins, refresh browser, no bad news?? Ok, calm again. Reset. Repeat. It got so bad my brother was calming mi down. lol I'm a mess.

When did I become that intense fan girl?? You would think a member of my family was in critical condition. But then in a way, wasn't it though?? A different kind but one nonetheless.
Now this is one group. How do people with multiple biases do it??

Ok random post done.

It's been a while by the way. Will do a brief life update later :)

xo