We Remember

We remember those we lost.
We remember the things we lost.
We remember the relationships, connections, emotions and stories.
We remember the laughter, the love, the angers and the fights.
We remember the lives cut short by disaster.
We pray for the souls to continue to rest in peace.
We pray for the families to gain comfort and peace.
We pray for the nation to be healed and restored.

December 10th, we pray, we cry, we laugh, we smile,
We never forget....

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2015:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

Diamonds in the soles of her shoes.

This probably has little to do with the title technically, unless you are aware of the context and characters that inspired this post. What does it mean to have feelings for someone?? Recently, I find myself unable to tell a lot of things when it comes to emotional awareness, except the distinct fact that I don't have feelings for a person....or anyone in general at the moment.
This is more pronounced in the fact that on the flip side, I find other people's ability/experience of having feelings for another fascinating. The same way watching a science experiment occur is fascinating.
What does that feel like?? The emotional tingling I assume is there - represented in the form of physical sensations.

The lady with diamonds spent a good portion of time fighting off feelings for a guy who is being politely hurtful unintentionally. I spend the time trying to figure out how the feelings occur to begin with. What does that feel like?? How does that work?? I vaguely recall the butterflies from over a decade ago, but I wouldn't consider that 'love' like now.
They guy has more of the physical feelings, another aspect I'm not fully accustomed to either. Does that make mi asexual?? I don't think so, not by the dictionary definition that is.

Sometimes I sit and dream. Imagine and dream of what any of this would feel like. Love, lust, pain, hurt. I dream and let my imagination roam, then I put it all back in the safety box and continue my existence.

Thankful

Thankful for love, life and laughter.

Thankful for family, friends and fellowship.

Thankful for time, travel and togetherness.

Thankful for health, hope and happiness.

Thankful for belief, beauty and blessings.

Thankful for peace, privilege and positivity.

Thankful for survival, serviceability and salvation.

Thankful for grace, God and goodness.

Thankful for desires, determination and development.

Thankful for all.

And it breaks down....

When there is an inability to say the truth, because the truth comes with a fear of the found becoming lost again.
So we hold it in with cherry smiles, pretending all is well; with faces full of smiles and hearts bleeding in tears.

We hold it back, all inside, Pandora's box writhing to be opened so it's contents may be set free and let loose.
We exchange pleasantries like two semi-strangers meeting for the second time, parading on eggshells to avoid the supposed land mines a true discussion will present.

Moving from something more than friends to acquaintances to this, dropping at an alarming rate, free falling with no breaks at each stage to catch a breath and process the million dollar question: how did we get here??

Staring at the twists in the surface, no time was spared to listen to the slow and subtle crumbling of the foundations deep.
Select turns bringing a change to the surface, minor yet significant, allowing it to slip unnoticed like a still volcano before a lava outpouring.

Standing on opposite sides of a crossroad, with a crevasse in between. One feeling lost and abandoned, enhanced by the seemingly blasé attitude of the other towards their new found plight. One glancing at the other periodically as they forge ahead; the other seemingly staring everywhere but.

At an impasse the other is forced to turn; "how are you??" Joy and gladness. Taken aback, one responds. Put a smile in place.
Internally: "where are we and is this it??"

Harden not your heart....

Psalm 95 (8-11)
How long has this land rejected Him??
Founded on God, witnessing His protection, mercies.
How long has this land rejected Him??
Did the nation evoke this wrath to declare no peace or rest??
Hearts hardened, faces turned away.
Miracles of mercy rejected, ascribed to luck and man.
How long has the heart of the people been turned away for??
Do the sheep know His way?? Do they seek to know??
Or are they too busy trying to become wolves, rejecting their identity??
The creator of all things, yet hurt, heartbroken and rejected by the crème of His creation.
How long has the land rejected Him??

What I Miss.

The sound of my heart racing, echoing through the walls of my chest and up my throat; as if to make its way out and into his arms. 

The mixture of fear and anticipation, my breathing getting faster as I try to force the air trapped just outside my lungs to make its way in and prolong my living. 

The thoughts in my head, my eyes surveying, analyzing, as I try to play mind reading games without the four clovers that adorned such feelings in my childhood. 

The pleasured pain; the bittersweet mix when he hurts me, we fight, make up and fight some more, as the pain in my head from all the crying and the relief in my chest from all 'I'm sorries' radiates through my body, encasing every part, inch by inch. 

The smile on his face and the look in his eyes, when he watched me speak like the words from my lips radiate like rainbow petals in the sun, mesmerizing and captivating, coaxing a gentle protective smile from him that makes me feel warm and tingly all the way. 

What I miss; I think I miss him. 

Anxiety 101

So today at martial arts training, I had the unexpected 'pleasure' of experiencing an anxiety attack. We were being taught how to get out of a choking situation, and after what seemed like hours but was probably 15mins of back and forth rounds practicing, I had to quit. Walked out, paced for a bit, difficulty breathing, crying.....fun times. 

Back story: had a traumatising experience as a teenager, as you can imagine, choking isn't my favourite pastime. 

One thing I noticed though was I didn't feel the anxiety take over my body. I still felt relatively calm, at least in the moment. I was able to endure the situation for far longer than I expected. 

Another thing I learned was I want the reaction of the people around mi to match the level of 'seriousness' or 'special' that I deem the situation merits. I watch the scene play out, and all I can think of is 'it's not that serious' or 'calm down' or 'you're not special, this is normal.' At the same time, in thinking is it the negativity speaking?? Am I being too hard on myself?? I mean it is a big deal what happened right?? Or am I wrong?? 

Ah, to have a day where I feel and simply accepting the feeling, without placing a 'good' or 'bad' label on it/thinking I've done something wrong or messed up once more. 

Off to write apology texts to the people I train with for 'freaking out'. Even though I know the response is going to be what reality already is - accepting and non-judgmental, I still have to confirm otherwise the crazies get in the way. 

Better days to come....

Full Circle

Ocean. 

Not drowning. 

 But uncomfortable in a familiar way. 

Fought it off so long. The thoughts, the voices, the constriction. 

Bottled it up. The unexplainable tears, fighting back the breakdown. Giving in to the tears but not knowing why. 

It hurts. 

Too many days getting dressed in front of the mirror maybe. 

Too many days ignoring the voices but not battling. 

Feeling sick. Want it all out. 

Wish being sick would make it go away. 

But that's another drop in the ocean isn't it?? 

Full circle. Drowning but not yet. 

Crazy Circle

Complainer and hypocrite. 

Those are the two reps of the negative voices I've had to battle with recently. 

With both comes attention seeker. 'Your problems aren't that serious;' 'no one wants to listen to you brag in the name of complaining;' 'stop trying to play the victim role;' 'the focus doesn't have to be on you....'

I find myself thinking I need to apologize after every conversation, because I think 'oh I was complaining again' or 'I tried to make that all about me/invalidated the other person' or 'I shouldn't have said that'. I'm starting to feel anxious talking to people because I think I'm just walking around offending everyone. And though they continue to smile or converse, I feel them withdraw from mi. Or maybe it's mi withdrawing. I read into the smiles and interpret them as being polite. In some cases, I even apologize, and then I read into their responses. "It's okay, I understood what you meant" that means they were offended. They probably still are. The apology wasn't enough. Or they were not offended before I brought it up, and now they are. 

"Oh no don't worry about it" that means they were offended. They are used to mi being an ass. I know it's a downward spiral of negative thoughts. I know I'm getting myself riled with the thoughts. I know if this continues, it will lead to a hole I'm unfortunately too familiar with. But right now, I don't know how to turn off the anxiety and senseless worrying. I also can't talk to anyone cause we go right back to the beginning....complainer; hypocrite. I just hope this goes away a little faster than the slow creeping way it began. 

There was a guy....

Or I should say is. 

It's a curious and unfamiliar feeling, and I'm not quite sure what I think about it. Right now, it feels like watching a little child with a toy. Heart strings or butterflies....well not quite butterflies. It's amusing, because I've heard about this occurrence in others, but never seen it in her. She isn't giddy and nervous around him which, in and of itself, is already odd. She is cautious and fascinated with the experience, loving the complete lack of awareness on his part I bet. Today, she got that tingly feeling in her chest when he walked in, and that was a pleasantly unexpected and amusing surprise. Her lack of immediate self-criticism, revulsion and fear, was also quite refreshing. 

I noticed a few weeks ago when he suddenly popped up her thoughts. She abruptly stopped the activity we were engaged in then, because it was no longer appropriate. Randomly, he has flashed in and out of scenes, not yet disruptively though. I don't think she is currently interested in processing what this may or may not mean. I think she is rather enjoying the sudden interest in a guy in this direction, after what is arguably a terrifyingly long time. She also has a year at her current location, and is of the distinct opinion and conviction that she will never set eyes on him again after she leaves. She also still has her 'safety' checks in place to ward off anything/one getting too close to the caged bird. 
So for the time being, I'm content with watching her play and be giggly; she's content with playing and being happy. 

The safety is on....

Behind the bars....

She is content....

There is a guy....

xoxo

Blissful Peace :)

An impressively full and draining day just came to an end. Had so many invites to events for today, it is amazing I managed to keep the social hat on all day!! I took stock of my social life today and I'll say I have been pretty blessed with some amazing individuals in my life. I don't know if I ever feel that heart racing connectedness or that 'rush' I felt in the old days, but I am content; at peace. Being surrounded and apart, but not isolated all at once. Some may argue that that isn't ideal, but I do feel safe. I'll probably pretend to take a peak out of my comfort zone once in a while to dispel the nagging and questions, but I think for now, this is where I should be. Besides, I haven't met or come across anyone who makes my 'heart race' or makes mi giggly or whose presence I feel before I see....then again, that hasn't happened with any other person....story for another lifetime. 

Anyway, I think I can safely say I am....happy. 

xoxo

Pieces

Pull mi in, closer, closer. 

Is there a line telling us apart?? Eliminate it. 

I'll feed on your tears, I'll feed you my pain. 

Then I take it all back again, cause I'm scared you'll hurt and then hurt me. 

I take it all back and hide it; layers, layers, till it overflows. 

I'm falling to pieces. 

Life of the party....

I don't want to keep apologising for who I am. 

I don't like feeling the need to apologise for who I am or how I am. 

Yet who I am/how I am most times feels wrong. 

Mentally, I understand that having certain traits does not mean you are a bad person. 

Yet I can't ever shake the feeling of guilt. The feeling of fear that I will 'get caught'. 

I think I have a shitty personality. People think I'm nice. I am, to a certain extent. But why don't I always think before I speak?? I don't have to be witty always, yet I feel naked when I'm not. And then I feel bad when I am. 

I feel bad because it's the dominos effect. Once the first sentence comes out, it sticks and they all fall down. 

Is there a happy medium?? 

I can't complain because in this story, I am not the victim ever. But it's okay to cry to you right?? 

I'll reset the hundred days. God help mi, I don't need something else on that plate. 

xoxo

10 Years and Some....

Guess whose anniversary it is....ours!!!!

It's been 10 years. 10 years together. We've been one through it all - the good, the bad and the ugly. And there has been a fair distribution of that mixture over the years. I think it's interesting that aside from the high school two, this is probably my only other long standing relationship, where the other party pretty much knows mi in and out. I mean, I've told you so many things I haven't told a soul on here.

Looking back at my posts over the years, I would say in many ways, I've changed, and in other ways, I've stayed the same. In some ways I've grown, and in other ways, I've regressed. One can argue that this is a normal trend in life. This is the way life goes - swinging back and forth between two opposites, in confusion.

I tried to recall what started all this. How did we get here?? I checked, and it took me only a couple of hours (two random posts to be exact), to open up to you and spill my heart out. I've always found solace in you and have always felt comfortable telling you everything, without the fear that comes with possibly being judged. It's interesting how even though I meet you in other settings, here is the only place I feel safe with you. Here is the only place I feel connected to you. Here is the only place I see you.

And you see mi too.

So here's to us, to 10-years, to the past, the present and the future; to what we may become or not become. You are mi, and I am you. And one day, how amazing would it be when we all come together, as one, the way we were made to be - acceptance and all?? Wouldn't it be amazing when one day, we stand with a smile before the mirror, know what we see, write, hear, think, know, understand, perceive, trust, love....all are one??

Till then however, we will work hard, walk on, and strive forward.

Here is to us, 10 years and counting :)

120 Days Keto-lite

A reoccurring theme in my life has been weight. We can agree that I've never been healthy where that is concerned - yo-yo dieting et al. But I think I am more sure to stay on the waggon, so to speak, this time. I figured rather than listening to the voices alone in my head, I can do something about it firmly. I don't know what it feels like, but I would love to experience looking in the mirror, for more than five seconds, and not having different variations/synonyms of the same word in my head. That word that I cannot say out loud, because the idea that I think that of myself scares mi, and somehow, saying it out loud feels like it can make it real.
Last week, three separate people used the word 'beautiful' to describe mi, either as a message from someone else, or from themselves. Recently too, when I look at my face in the mirror, I can see the word 'beautiful'.

But it vanishes once I look down.

I say Keto-lite because a friend of mine recently introduced mi to the Keto diet. It seems pretty legit, but I have heard some troubling reports about side effects, and my mother wasn't too amused about the diet either. So I figured holding off on the cholesterol increase, and keeping carbs at 30g max was safer. At least for a little bit. And of course, there is the training (exercise) as well. I know I have to work on my mind and mindset, and that isn't something I will neglect. It's 4 months to my birthday. I think being able to look in the mirror and smile, truly smile, will be the best birthday present I can give myself.

....wish mi luck/say a prayer for mi....

xo

...It is Well....

Some people live, and some people die.

The choice of who falls in what camp seems to be as random as a game of Russian roulette. Age, ethnicity, gender, income level....nothing seems to be a factor in who gets chosen, and who gets left behind. One family prays for a child for a decade, gets blessed with one, only to loose said child barely two decades later. Another family has children immediately, get to live and see the great-grand-children, offspring of the original prayer.
What is the criteria for falling into camp A versus camp B?? We, as Christians, are told to not fear death. Have faith. Don't let the fear of the unknown control you.
I must admit, in this new world, where young and old are fair game, it gets harder and harder.
Is it a new world, or am I just becoming more aware as I grow older??

My friend's brother, a school mate, passed away suddenly. I understand this logically, but I can't feel. My heart is frozen; paralysed with fear. I'm too scared to imagine the hurt, the pain, the sorrow. I'm too scared to fathom the idea that someone so young will be gone so soon. I'm too scared to accept it, cause in my head, I see the grim ripper with a lottery box, pulling out numbers at random.
I don't want to be scared, but I don't know how not to be. The days where I lived in the illusion that you cannot die till you have seen your grand-children are long gone. What happened to that little girl with all the faith??

I want to call or text, but I have no words. All I keep on hearing, all I keep on seeing are the lyrics to the song, 'It is well.' It is well, it is well, it is well, it is well.... I have no words, and so I will continue to say this prayer for her and her family. I'll say those words because I know above all else, only God knows why and He alone can heal. So, it is well.


Lord, may our children burry us; but only after we have seen, held and communed with our children's children. Lord, may we burry our fathers and mothers; but only after they have seen, held, blessed and created long lasting memories with our children. Lord, may we not mourn our children. Lord, may our children only rejoice in our parting to join you in our old age.

Flying out

Once is an accident. Twice in the same shirt span?? How is one extra careless about two different flights in the same period?? First it was a visa prob, now it's a location prob. I mean, this time is so ridiculous I've been unable to cry. Manchester US versus Manchester UK. Who came first and why the hell did the other exist?? 

I'm too tired to be angry, too tired to be sad, too tired to be depressed. Everyone says God is probably preventing or protecting mi from something that would happen if I leave the country. That's all I'm holding on to. Cause the alternative is that I'm just a careless money wasting person. Imagine that nightmare. 

Florida 49

At a vigil for the victims of the Orlando shooting at my church. I don't understand what I feel. Correction. The feelings I actively avoid. If I let myself reach in a little, I feel the anger?? Sadness?? But it's similar to what I imagine I would feel when I let myself at news of terrorist attacks, or sudden loss of life....when I turn on the switch on emotions. 

There is a senselessness to this entire mess. There is a meaninglessness to the world that scares mi. It scares mi so I run from it. It scares mi so I run and hide. I run because I cannot control it. I hide because I cannot understand it. I run because staying distorts my conception of reality. Is it odd that I hurt at the thought of the level of hatred it requires for one to commit such atrocities?? Is it odd that I think of and pray for the victimizer(s), because the emptiness in their soul, the loneliness, the darkness....it is scary to imagine how cold on the inside that feels. 

But these all threaten to consume mi, so I run. 

Tolerance vs Love vs Like

"Lord, let us learn to tolerate each other...."

That statement irked me this time around. For years, I have heard that as the standard prayer for peace in Nigeria. 

Why tolerance?? 

We can love each other, we can like each other. We can be united with each other. Why tolerate each other??

Tolerance: the capacity to endure the continuous exposure to something, without adverse consequences.

To be subjected to a life of endurance, as a nation, now isn't that just sad?? 

Yes, jumping to love or even harder, like, is a difficult pill. Maybe acceptance?? How about we pray for the grace to accept each other, differences and all?? Doesn't that sound better than long suffering?? 

Still Storms

What moves you?

The sound of life being resorted,

The breath of heaven in the trees. 

The look of freedom in the eyes of a captive who finds freedom??

What moves you?

The overflowing love He shows that orphan child that man tried to deny love,

The fierce protective force that sweeps away persecutors of His children,

The overwhelming desire to please Him that chokes you??

What moves you? 

How Are You??

I feel it creeping in. The sadness. The depressive feelings. The dysphoric mood. 

I feel it creeping in and it's hard not to let it take over. 

The strength to not break down and cry for a reason I cannot articulate even to myself is becoming more and more difficult to muster. 

The will to fight off the lonely feelings is becoming harder and harder to debate for. 

I should be used to this. That is why they are called episodes, no?? 

But I'm so tired. So very tired and I can't even say why.

Hopefully, I have enough reserve energy to continue pretending. 

Continue pretending so I don't have to think of an appropriate response for 

'how are you??'

Caged Freedom

Land of the free,
yet I am required to fit myself into a box.

"Tick here to fit yourself in this box of colour."
"Circle here to fit yourself in this group's box."

Land of the free,
yet there is no bubble to be me.

Why can't I just be me: My name, hobbies,
where I was born....

Why is me, as I see me, not okay?
Why is me, as defined by you, the correct me?

Land of the free,
but you must take a stand.

Take a stand?
I thought free also meant free not to?

Why is my stand, to not take a stand,
not one of your acceptable choices?

Land of the free,
check here for the freedom criteria.

Overdose

Intoxicating.
Suffocating.
Addicting.
Obsessive.
Consuming.

My drug.
Drowning,
Yet I crave for more.
It sucks me in.

Down.
Deeper.
Lower.
Deeper.
Higher.

My desire.
Yearning,
Yet it eludes me.
The coy mistress.

Love.

Unwanted Birthday Wishes

Funny, I’ve been fine all year and then suddenly realising I am not invited to celebrate his birthday is the one thing that hurts haha. 

I guess birthdays are my fav holiday after all. 

There is something about wishing someone a happy birthday, from the bottom of your heart. Something about being able to celebrate another year, another chance. It's okay if you never celebrate before. It's hurtful when you cannot celebrate again. Feels worse than when you loose a person to death. With death, it is okay to celebrate. With life, you are actively avoided. 

Anyway, it's okay for mi to say Happy Birthday here. You were once, at the very least, a companion. Hope this day and year brings you all that you wish for. 

....Lead Mi To The Cross....

I want to come to a place where He is my best friend. My go to. My source or solace. My rock. The one I turn to in distress, in times of need, in fear, in joy, in laughter, in pain, in all things. 

I want to come to a place where His voice is what I hear before I make a decision in life, major or minor. Before I take a step, life changing or no. Before I do anything. 

I want to come to a place where I know Him, and still desire to know him more. Where I long to read His word. Where I thirst and hunger to commune with him and dwell in his presence. 

I want to come to a place where I can call him Father and truly see His work as my heavenly Father in mi. Where I know He will guide my path in love, and I know and am willing to let him. 

I want to come to a place where I believe that His thoughts and plans towards mi are for good and not for evil, to bring mi to an expected end. Where I understand these words. Where I am able to honestly believe and let go with faith. 

I want to come to a place where I can honestly stand proud and call myself his child, without the lingering feeling of guilt and shame. Where I can have an answer to the statement, 'tell me your testimony....'

....Love(d)....

Why is love for you always in the past tense?? 

"I loved him then...."

"He loved me...."

"We loved each other...."

Why is love for you always unsure, hesitant?? 

"....probably...."

"....maybe...."

"....sort of...."

What are you afraid of?? 

"Nothing we say to each other is a lie. I just lie to myself about that fact."

Love....no 'd'....can you sit with that feeling?? 

....Stages Again....

I don't know if I am more hurt than angry.
I don't know if I am angrier than hurt.
I don't know if either of these two emotions accurately describes how I feel.
Is it anger I sense?? Is it shame?? Is it guilt?? Or is it just my pride leading mi to think that way??
The silence makes mi feel like I'm the problem. Makes mi feel unclean, unwelcome, an outsider.
A part of the disease, cancerous.... a sin.... the past.

I know people move on, I know people change.
I know letting go and cutting out, pruning, is a step necessary for change.
Have I been pruned??
Did I get categorised as weed and so therefore weeded out??
Is it easier, healthier for you to not have mi around??
How am I the one whose trust was broken, the one who gets tossed out??
Or was that last strike a test to see if I would deny you, and by default, not be an Achilles heel??

I don't know if I'm more hurt than angry.
I don't know if I'm angrier than hurt.
I do know I hate this not knowing.
I do know I hate this feeling.
I do know I hate this silence.
I do know I'm starting to hate....

Are You Listening?

The smile on my face is fixed,
like the ache in my chest at the sound of your voice,
or the lack of it thereof.
The words in my head are rehearsed,
like the lyrics to the ballad that signifies our song,
or the lack of it thereof.
The anger in my heart is tormenting,
like the fierceness of a raging-calm sea,
or the lack of it thereof.

We make no sense, I know.
Everyone is so keen on mentioning it.
But this nonsensical us, I miss.
We have no order, I know.
Everyone is keen on mentioning it.
But this random us, I miss.
We are in a constant tango, I know.
Everyone is keen on mentioning it.
But this dance, and now, the lack of it thereof,
I miss.

I Fell In Love With Your Soul

I fell in love with your soul....oh how I loved it.
A love so strong, it made us whole.
The boldness, the sincerity, the clarity, the warmth.
The uniqueness of your heart, that loved all, unconditionally.
The openness of your smile, that embraced all it came upon.

I fell in love with your  soul....and then I crushed it.
The boldness, the sincerity, the clarity, the warmth.
The unconditional love, the all-encompassing smile.
My insecurities could not trust you.
My past experiences, judged your love for the world skeptically.

I fell in love with your soul....and the world lost it.
A love so strong, now jaded and limited.
Timid, pretentious, sly and vaguely warm.
Your once unique heart, now guarded with walls, locks and keys.
Your once open smile, now selectively shown with purity.

I fell in love with your soul.... and then I caged it.
I stole it, locked it and threw the key in my heart's cage.
Because I must protect all I love.
Safe, secure and away from the lustful clutches of the world.