...Dear Tasha...

My dear Tasha,

Do you know the sun did not shine today?

No, not in her lovely way!

For the skys have blocked her rays,

And earth is no longer in tune with her ways.

Both inside and outside, all is quit.

Not peaceful, more like a dark, cold night!

Feels like a bad omen,

Much worse than the nightmere.

Oh Tasha, where are you?

Is it true that your world too is blue?

For we here view your world as paradise,

but if it is blue, am afraid there would be none to still our cries!

And all we'd have left is....






....to be continued....

Chess Pieces.

These are the last words of warning I would say to you.

From here on out, I have no idea how life would play out for us. I would not lie to you- I am not scared, but I think that you should be though. I think that you should be terrified.

My little rival-kitten.

Do you know how to play chess? Well even if you say no, we both know with the mind games you play, 'yes', is the more reasonable answer. 

You've picked mi as your opponent. I feel you should know, I never loose. And in this game of ours, there are no foul moves. Everything is fair game. 

So come at mi with all you've got. Don't be afraid. I bite, but you said you can take it. Come at mi with all you've got, because I'd be doing the same and some.

And when we are done, the last words on your lips would be my name.

And when we are done, the last words from mi would be 'I told you so'. 

Happy Ending.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

And that other girl is she.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

The girl does not know it.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She has seen this situation before.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She was the girl in the last situation.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

'Is this reverse Karma??' She asks.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

The girl thinks of she as a friend.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She does not know what she thinks of the girl.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She feels a little guilty.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

But like watching a train wreck, she cant stop.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

Theres about to be two out of three happy endings. 

The Mother

Just watched this Korean movie (yes I do that a lot these days, moving on) based on the story of the Korean Serial Killer Yoo Young Cheol. Overlooking the fact the case was all levels of disturbing, I'd focus on the fictional aspect in the movie. His last victim was a prostitue who, despite being tied up and had received a blow to her head, escaped from the house and tried to get help. In all this, I was amazed by her strength - the strength of a mother. Obviously no one wants to die, but still in all she went through, the only thing she kept thinking about was her daughter alone in the house. 

Mothers are amazing. I mean that goes without saying. But the bond and protective nature of a mother truly amazes mi. Like the wild cats, their natural instinct is to protect their young with a vengeance like no other.  No matter how strong the opponent is, when it comes to keeping her young safe, a mother would go all out. It is the natural instinct. 

Which is why it truly amazes mi to hear stories about women who harm their children. I mean, how hard must that be for them?? It's hard to do things out of character, not to speak of things against ones nature. I think that might be a reason for the depression most women who hurt their children feel. It's like a right handed person trying to write with his left for whatever reason. It is so hard, and when it cannot be helped, often times painful. It leads to frustration and depression. Why would someone, experiencing all these things, continue to put themselves through it?? 

Is the answer 'I couldn't help myself' really sufficient in this case - where nature is the true opponent??

The Road Not Taken....

Would I be a bad Christian if I say I believe in the existence of an alternate reality? I don't think so. Call it whatever you like: Alternate universe, parallel line, other side of the coin...it doesn't matter. The fact remains, I think, that there is a parallel universe running at the same time ours is. I think it is basically the other story if you had gone the opposite route. Because now, there are always two answers to a question: A or B. Some say there is a C, D and even down to Z, but ultimately, something happens or something does not happen. So there are only two sides.


I play bubble breaker on my phone a lot, and I figured something out. Each time you make a move, it upsets the path of the game and takes you down a different lane. If you undo, you get back to that path and can take a different route, changing the game in yet another direction. So if the original path you took turned out to be unfavorable, then you can turn around and try something else. Wish life were that simple?


Well it could be and it could not be. 
People say I think a lot. But I figured that may only be because we don't have the 'undo' move in reality. Everything is set in stone, and man is yet to find a way to get back and change the path taken. But asume for a second there is an alternate universe. That means there is a you that made the other choice. The fact that that choice exists and you thought about it means there is a script written for that path. If there is a script and the play is in motion, that means there are actors. If there are actors, that means that path was also taken. And since the 'you' you know took the path you took, and both scripts were written for you, is it unreasonable to think the other 'you' took the other path and got a different outcome??

Fated Love

    Just watched a Korean movie (won't give the name to avoid spoiling it for those who might see it) that involved two star crossed lovers who, in my opinion, defied fate, and forced themselves together. They started off as both guys, but A couldn't handle the pressure from people and broke it off. B was so distraught, and after a lot of in betweens - involving him joining the army, getting raped several times cause he was super girly - he had a sex change and became woman (the woman that acted as him was too gorgeous by the way). However, a series of murders ensued - involving those who had raped B, and B became the suspect. A, now a cop, began searching for B. When he found him, now her, B turned out to be his current girlfriend. So even now that A and B were okay in the eyes of everyone, they still couldn't be together because B was now a 'murderer' (though whether or not he was the true killer in the end still remains a mystery. The movie ends rather ambiguously, and the jury is still out on that matter). Rather than get caught by the police - B for 'murder' and A for both aiding and abetting and, as it turns out, murder (he killed the last of the rapists) - the two did the ever famous Shinju or 'Lover's Suicide'. 

    I know the story is rather confusing, but its not so complex in the actual film. Anyway, this got mi thinking about the cycle of love. What kind of force, so powerful, it drives one to defy all grounds, including fate, for another?? As both guys, they could not be together because it is 'immoral'. I am not going to comment on the issue of homosexuality before this turns into a verbal war, but I think its so sad they had to be persecuted simply because they chose to 'love' each other. 

Then B went as far as becoming female just to stop the persecution. Fate, however, was not on their side. B had to have gotten raped prior, and was now the suspect of the murders A was investigating. Once more, in the eyes of society, their 'love' was immoral. And so the two chose to die together. 

    It seemed to mi their 'love' was originally not written in the stars. yet they believed in this 'love' so much so that the chose to die together rather than live apart. So I ask, this force called 'love', why is it worth so much, than one would chose the unknown in death, over an existence save 'love'?? Many people would say I have never been in 'love' so I won't know. Granted I did come close to it once, and that hurt like hell. Why would I then go so far for something that seems to mi, from several indications, to hurt more often than not?? They say when you find 'true love', you are happiest. But from what I've seen, the quest to find 'true love' is like playing the lottery. 99% of the time you don't get lucky, and you get broker and broker as the game goes on. Yet you continue to play in the hope that the next one is the right one. Can't that be classified as a senseless battle??

    Granted, it can be argued that finding 'true love' is a risk, like playing the lottery is a risk, and whats life without risks?? But not all risks are so heart wrenching. Fine, the really good things in life are the onces you have to take the bigger risk for....but at the same time, the damage you get from 'love' seems more deadly than that from other risks, as well as less worth the possible benefit....

But then again, everyone might be right in saying I won't know till I am in the same position. 

Today she tried....Cry for Help....

Today she tried to kill herself once more.
It hurt as the knife met her wrist, so she tried another object.
It hurt through that process still, but she laughed.
She laughed because for the first time in months, the pain let her cry.
She laughed because it was ridiculous that she had to hurt herself some more before she could cry from the internal pain.
It hurt, but the pain felt good. Good enough that she wanted more.


Today, for the first time in years, she tried to kill herself.
Yet today, for the first time, the knife wouldn't go in.
She felt so pathetic. Even in this, she had lost the edge and the nerve.
She felt so pathetic. Even in this battle, she had lost.
She laughed because despite her loss, she welcomed the pain.
She laughed because the physical pain brought relief to the emotional, how pathetic was she.


Today, she tried to kill herself once more.
Sadly, there would have been many who would have been hurt if she had succeeded.
Sadly, there would be many who would be hurt if they knew she had tried.
Sadly, she enjoyed the relief the thought of slipping away brought her.
Sadly, it all came to an end.


Today, she tried to kill herself once more.
The pain in her wrist, raw as before.
She wished she could have completed it this time.
But like before, she is still too cowardly to go the full mile....

Does that make mi Horrible??

In all my years, I have finally come to realize something. I am not good with distance period. Not just in relationships - boy/girl ish - but in general. With friends, family, humans in general....and I guess that is a bad thing. Its almost like 'out of sight, out of mind'. I guess its because a while back I got accustomed to the philosophy that everyone leaves, and to protect myself from getting hurt, I let them go as they do. Yeah I gather it is totally selfish of mi to do that, but at the same time, isn't everyone selfish in some areas?? Doesn't everyone who tries to protect him/herself have an element of selfishness in them to have that accomplished?? 

The question isn't if I am or am not right now, but if I want to do something about it. 

And my answer is I don't know.

For one thing, a relationship is a two way thing. So if you notice i am pulling away, albeit unintentionally, and you let mi go, doesn't that make my philosophy proven then?? But at the same time, there are those people who do try to keep in touch....but still I feel the relationship slipping away. 

But at the same time, there are those people who I have had a completely long distance relationship with, and we are still fine. So does that mean they are more important to mi?? I'd like to think not....

....Weird huh....

Mi and relationships is like going to see a good movie. Even though you don't want it to, at some point, the movie does come to an end. You walk out with mixed feelings. A little sad it is over, but then you smile as you remember the good moments. And though the movie is over, you will always smile when you think about it. Doesn't that mean the movie is important to you?? Does it make it less important than the series you watch continuously?? No right?? I mean they are both types of 'screen shows' but they are different. 

I dont know, I guess am rambling. Partly cause I thought of a few friends I have not kept in contact with and felt a little guilty. Also partly because I am at a cross road in life and everyone is looking at mi and waiting for mi to make a decision. And I am sitting here wondering if it is okay for mi to be selfish in my decision. I mean in my head I understand, but in my heart, I know I want to be selfish. I guess I learned the hard way already that ultimately, I control my own happiness. Shouldn't it be okay for mi to choose what makes mi happy, despite the fact that others might not like it??

Does that make mi a horrible person??

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