1012: Did....do....forever do....

Tomorrow did come.
Time did continue.
The world did rotate, still.
Babies did still gain life.
Birds did fly.
Buildings did go up.
My pain did still remain.

Love did begin.
Lovers did end.
Laughter did ring.
People did graduate.
Prayers did get answered.
Parties did get crashed.
My pain did still remain.

Some years did go by.
Some thoughts of you did make mi smile.
Some tales of you did make mi cry.
Forty-five minutes they say it did take.
Four minutes they say it did take as well.
For mi, an instant was all there was - and my world did shatter.

I miss you my angels, and though the sun did sine latter....I did, do and forever will miss you.

Kitty-Kat

9 lives had the cat,
now one lost he.
9 lives had the cat,
the world could see.
One life gone away,
So let him be.

Many year books closed,
invincible thought she.
Many year books closed,
life intact: Incredible thought she.
This year book unend,
do let her grieve.

The 9th life missed the cat,
now lost is he.
The 9th life missed the cat,
how sad he be.
Unexpectedly taken from him,
how cruel this is.

9 lives had the cat,
now with the 8 all grieve.
9 lives had the cat,
does he mourn or rejoice?
9 lives now has the cat,
to guard jealously he must.

In memory of Didi Machu, November 2009.
....bazamu manta da sunanki da sorri...
。。。でも今、さよなら。。。

Fireflies

Glowing around mi,
Illuminate my night,
Closer stars, tochable to mi.
Formidable fire,
Yet gentle to the touch,
Pretty like the burning flames,
Its sights sucks you in like the fires of Hades.
Attractive and tempting as sin,
Yet without the sting.
Bright and yellow, with the same glow,
But still without the sting.

But it falls slowly to the ground,
Slowly, still with grace.
Upon my palm it landed,
Pretty little fire was it.
Burn for mi one last time,
I watch its blaze slowly die out,
And as it goes, I turn my palm to let it fall.

I watch it for another second,
But the blaze above now yonder,
It calls mi.
Glowing, burning, seductive like the fires of sin.
What is in the blaze?
Ah I see....
Fireflies.
Glowing around mi....

I sit here and wonder....

I sit and wonder sometimes what happened to the good old days when countries went to war and soldiers were led by their leaders, i.e. Kings and Queens? When people went to war for reasons other than 'I think they would attack me'?
Now the soldiers march off to war and the leaders stay home to 'monitor and give instructions'. Ah gone are the good old days where the Kings and Queens were the country not only in name but in body as well, and they fought for those countries. They shed their own blood with that of their people, and when they won, they could proudly say 'I bleed for my country'. Now they get chatted off to some secret safe island, and they proudly say 'We weep with the families of those who bleed'.
Ha!
And no, I don't mean that the military should take over, for even that makes no difference. The name for the 'King or Queen' is simply changed. He/She is still taken to safety.
Whats my point?
I believe when the actual leaders are really in the battle, then it would not be so easy to make the decision to go to war. It would not be so easy to say 'send more troops in'. It would not be so easy to say 'I'm sorry he is gone, but he made his country proud'.

I sit here and wonder, when did War become a game of chess, with the Kings or Queens playing with human targets and even having a stand in sometimes for 'checkmate'? Only thing worse than a game of chess with humans is a game of never-ending chess with humans. The goal is to out-number the opponent into surrendering. So basically the country with the most population wins in the end cause the King-Queen can and will keep sending more pawns and pieces into the game, until there are no more left.
This is a war, they say.... casualties are expected.
Ah but pls, tell mi all this when the call to 'Charge' is made by the person leading the 'Charge'....

I sit here and wonder....

Sing to mi a song....

Write mi a letter saying how much you adore mi,
Play mi a song with lyrics that would move my tears.

Take pictures of mi when I don't know and send them to cheer mi,
Draw my face as you see mi and make mi smile always.

Put a rose on the pillow every morning for mi,
Pick mi flowers for the hell of it and pray I smile.

Take my mind off the world and all the cruelty of it,
Step into my fantasies and make them a reality.

Kiss mi gently with whispering words from your lips,
Kiss mi passionately like the world's end is in sight.

Pray with mi when I pray like you are praying for you,
Pray for mi when am away like I do you.

Remember my stars and make wishes as they fall with mi,
Bring mi the stars and make all my nights the starry night.

Grant mi these wishes, as I hope to grant yours too,
Do for mi these things, more than Romeo did for his Juliet.

Write mi a letter saying how much you adore mi,
Write mi a letter just to say 'hello' to mi....

This is art: The world would know

Art is the voice of the soul.
The only way the world can hear it. When the soul weeps, the world hears it in the art. When the soul is joyful, the world hears it in the art. And when the soul is lonely, the world hears it in the art. Its funny how hard the artist tries to fake a forever joyful emotion, but once the art is displayed, the world can tell. The words, the colors, the sound, the notes, the shape, scene....the world can tell.

The world would know.
Art cant hide the pain, art cant hide the joy. Art cant play 'fake', art cant be 'fake', the world would know. The artist has his emotions out on sale and the world buys it. Sometimes cheap, sometimes at a price, but it always buys it. The artist loves the art, the artist hates the art. The world might kill the art, the world might give it life. Whatever the world chooses, a piece of the artist is taken. A pound of flesh for each piece...
This is the art: The world would know...

She who is not She.

There is a tale they have of she,
A story they formed about her life.
She remembers not how it came to be,
But one day she awoke, and that was she.

They think she is this girl,
They think she has this sum,
They think her intelligence is beyond measure.
She remembers not how it came to be,
But one day she awoke, and that was she.

She is a normal girl,
From a normal childhood,
Whose father is an ordinary-extraordinary man,
Who works so hard to provide all for them,
And who she thinks is under-appreciated.

There is a tale they have of her,
One that stems from the previous tale.
It is longer now, and she knows.
She awakes at dawn with the smile they know,
Puts on her garb and is the She they know.
For changing the tale requires a new creation,
One she fears she has not the strength to begin.

This is to You

To the fragrance of my soul,
The one I do adore.
To the only moonlight flower that lives on at dawn.
Just for mi.
Lives on at dawn,
Just for mi.

To the beauty in my heart,
The one I smile for.
The one I cry for.
The one I live for.
The one I'll die for.

To the epiphany in my mind.
The one I think of,
The one who thinks more of mi.
The one who knows mi in joy,
The one who knew mi in pain.
To the one who sits upon the throne.
To the one who is King alone.
This is to You.

...Their tears...

Rain drops.
Slow but steady, coming with a mission.
Slowly picking up pace, mission in sight.
They say those are the tears of God,
Then he must cry a lot,
More than I do I guess.

Rain drops,
melodious weeping,
You long to aid the weeper,
But don't, for the melody would seize.
So you stare out lost in the sound,
Mesmerized by the drops,
And trapped in the guilt of prayers for more.

Rain drops,
Do I trade in my sorrows for more of the melody?
Do I pretend I want to take the pain and make it stop?

The sun would shine again,
No doubt.
The tears would end sometime,
No doubt.
But for these few minutes,
For this time soon to become a memory,
Let mi enjoy this guilty-pleasure.

Rain drops,
The salt-less tears fall to earth,
Crystal clear, each unique note,
And when they hit the ground,
Just before the death of that unique pain the weeper feels,
A sound so wondrous,
A sound so unique,
A sound like no other,
My ears perceive.

The dreeded occurs...

My heart is in so much pain right now, its not even a joke. I never knew I could get this sad or that it would hurt so much. I mean granted, no one expected him to stay single for life, that's a given, but it still hurts.
I find myself turn between knowing I should be happy for them, and trying so hard not to sin with my thoughts towards her...lol
Maybe it doesnt hurt as bad as I know it would because he is yet to confirm it.
But then again, maybe it hurts so much because he is yet to deny it as well.
I wish I could say they are staring in something together like the last one, and everyone jumped to conclusions but then that's not the case. And no, it doesnt help that she is gorgeous. I mean that was to be expected...
I guess in the end I, we all, have to accept that he is but only human. And just like the rest of the world feels and falls...So has he...

But then again, there is the pressing issue of Jonny's or rather Yamashita's contract with Jonny on the issue of girlfriends...I thought Jonnys werent allowed to date, or at least not in public, no? Is he gonna get in trouble?

In case you were wondering, I am referring to the fact that Yamapi is supposedly dating Kagami Seira...the 22 year old Canadian/Japanese model...enough said...

Temptress of the Night...

Red dress,
Red nails,
Red heels,
Red rose.

Two steps in,
She stops.
She smiles.
The way their heads turn,
Its almost like the music changed.

Up at the bar,
She already has a drink.
Paid, served, screaming orgasm.
Don't ask who its from,
She doesn't care.

One sip,
Two,
Now shes ready to go.
The faster she moves,
The higher the dress sways.
The higher it sways,
The crazier he gets.
Don't ask who,
She doesn't know.

Lights go low,
Bodies get hot,
Lips graze, tease,
Fantasies enhance.
Dreams get formed,
She is creator.

Music stops.
She smiles,
She turns,
She walks.
He never saw it coming.

Bitch? No.
Imogen? Maybe.
The game is dirty dancing,
And she the queen, is the Seductress...

This is not she

I watch and I stare and I want to puke and I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to scream.
But all I do is laugh,
All I do is almost cry,
All I do is scream inside,
All I do is hate her.

I see them they see mi they watch in wonder they think she is crazy they think she is mi.
I want to scream,
I want to say no,
I want to yell stop,
All I do is let her be.

She looks she smiles she waves she blows a kiss she turns the clock strikes twelve she is mi.
I dread the turn,
I dread the handover,
Its too late to stop her now,
All I do is wait.

Shes crazy they can tell she is crazy they can tell she would do it all they can tell she is gone.
I can tell she is sane,
I can tell she knows,
I can tell she thinks,
I can tell...
cause...
she is mi.

Is it wrong of mi?

Is it wrong for mi to want something else for her?
Is it wrong for mi to be tired and want it all to end?
She hates her at all times,
But more so when she is 'her'.
Is it wrong for mi to say 'no more room' and have her evicted?

Watching her do the things she does,
Watching her be the thing she is,
The knife suddenly seems so close,
Suddenly, I can deal with the cutting and the blood.
Its not so bad if that is the alternative.

Then watching her crawl up into a ball and kiss death like she did the last time,
Watching her try so hard to cry but cant get the tears out,
Watching her recall it all and get defeated over again,
Knowing some sick version of loyalty and self-challenge is gonna push her out again,
Knowing the cycle is gonna repeat itself again.

Is it wrong for mi to fake believing her when she says she will let her go?
Is it wrong for mi to stay upset and sad because I cant trust her about that?
Is it wrong that I cant trust her about that?
Is it wrong that I cant tell her anything now that she is hurting?
Do I sympathize and not mean it?
Do I reprimand and kill her more?
Is it wrong of mi to think about all this with the knife so close, ready to hand over?

Being Random again...

So I just saw some parts of this movie right, and I really don't know what it is called btw, which made mi take offense on behalf of the entire Vampire community. I think the vampire in this movie was really weak.

Ok brief summary.

I did not start from the beginning, but I think the basic story line (which from the looks of things was nowhere near Rocket science) was about this vampire who kept loosing the girl he loved because she was human and somehow died before he could turn her. Well the girl kept reincarnating (poor guy) and this time he found her and tried as always to take her with him. Problem was she had a boyfriend, and they were the portrayal of 'True Love'. Well to cut the long story short, in the end, the girl choose the human and the Vampire, due to his undying 'love' for her, let her go, again, and became soulless...possibly waiting for her to get reincarnated again...I don't know...

Well screw that.

To begin with, it is a well known fact that nothing, besides obliteration, can stand between a Vampire and his bride. Not to mention his constantly life-time run away bride. I mean, what Vampire do you know who chose to spend eternity alone, knowing fully well that his girl is lingering around with someone else...

And worse still, the Vampire was all talk and no action (well except when he killed the blonde bitch, she deserved it - though I did not care for his very unvampiry, bashing her head against the wall, method of killing her). Even at the end when the girl came to him and he was about to turn her when human boyfriend showed up (which by the way confused me cause I thought he already began when her human boy-friend got there, but apparently I was wrong. So what the hell was he waiting for then???), instead of killing the boy or hurting him or something, again I use the word, vampiry, he sent hims some electric current (blue, yes, it was blue) through his arm and shocked the boy, duh, into unconsciousness...

Electric current? Come on now, seriously?

I mean I have watched some prety lame shit (just ask IFC, they are the rulers in that department), but this was just plain insulting...

Don't ask mi why I am offended on behalf of Vampires, or why I am mad the human got the girl in the end...lol. In case you haven't noticed, it is 3:35am in the morning...not that that matters though...lol...

Sigh

Ok I think there is something wrong with her right now! She permanently wants to cry, and when thats not happening, she feels the need to spill her guts and life history to everyone and anyone around her at that time (poor them, screw mi) and then I have to listen to the 'why the hell did I just say/do that' speech that follows...like oh barely 10 seconds later!
What. The. Fuck???

Its sad watching her sad though. I think what happened is someone tried to open that box, maybe she did, and then realized too late that it was a bad idea. Sure the box is sealed closed now, but the thought of the pain in there alone is what is eating at her. And I think and shudder at that thought. If the mere thought of what is inside the box makes her so, then what would happen when the day finally comes and the box must be opened? I have more bets on a funeral than on a redemption here...

But can you blame her? I know even I cant give you a straight answer to that. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. But one thing is for sure though, until the air is cleared again, there is no way to help her. There is nothing to say that would make the pain go away. Only way to go is forward with words. So until the air clears, standing still is the only thing I can do. So I have to sit here and watch her bleed herself internally, and pray and hope she doesn't say so much shit that I have to make her bleed on the outside as well.

Now if only I could tell what started this, it would be easier to say 'it won't happen again.' But we both know that's all bull. And we both know that's what makes me sad the most.

Love/hate

I want to cry so hard right now,
but the tears won't fall.
I want to laugh so hard right now,
but the emotions wont blend.
Is it so bad that I hate and love them at the same time?
Is it so bad that they do not know that I feel this way?

I know whatever I do, it would always be them then mi.
I know no matter how hard I try to get gone,
I would never be able to forget that fact.
Is it so bad that I wish to be them for a second at least?
Is it so bad that I don't like them much when they don't like themselves?

I step out and watch it try to move,
And that has been, till date, the one thing that has made mi want to puke.
It is hard for mi to get nauseous, so when I do, it is serious.
i do for it, so I think it is serious.
We pretty fucked up aint we?

I made a promise to mi,
But then when you do that, it is kinda hard to tell fake from reality.
Of course not with mi,
I mean we have established that fact right?

I got shit for last night,
Probably gonna get some more for tonight.
But right now I don't care,
Life seems short and I think a buzz makes it better still.

Its sad that I have fallen into the habit of making boys my 'brother material',
Even sadder that I don't know how to undo that.
But I think later on I would see the silver lining in all of this,
But for now, sad is all I can be.

My ex wrote a poem about 'love being dead'.
It seemed he only realized that now, poor thing.
I wanted to ask him where he had been all this while,
When Love took the high road and never looked back.

But then I keep thinking, 'did I do that to him?'
But that would be too ambitious of mi right?
So I pray and hope some other girls did that,
So I don't add to my list of 'Hate mi' reasons.

Now I am off to bed for the day,
With no boy at hand or in mind, I am fine this way.
Some think I am too scared to admit liking some guys,
Others claim I am in denial.

I think a little bit of both and more would do.
I might want a guy,
But previous expirience makes it hard for mi to believe he wants mi too,
And even harder to believe he wants mi first...

But like I said, I am pretty fucked up tonight.
Had too much to drink and much more to say that I think I would regret in the morning.
But now that I am sobering up and I look back,
I think I had fun.

Sure I said some shit I would rather have kept with mi,
Sure I did somethings I would not have done as just mi,
But all in all, I think I was good.
And I think, no matter what others would say, tonight was a good night.

I do hate them both a lot,
I do not enjoy the nights after I go out with them,
But the times I do,
I try not to think about it too much, and in the end, the night is always a good night...

Disturbed

Voices in her head,
louder,
louder.
'Fake' he says,
She knows it already.
A fraud.
No reason to have a constant national anthem of that playing.
She is fake.
It disgusts her.

Scared.
Terrified of her real self.
Who wouldn't be?
She sits there.
She can see her.
Sitting,
Watching.
A blur really.
But those piercing eyes are clearer than anything.

Hate.
Envy.
For them she feels.
They are free.
No voices,
No guilt.
They are real.
Can't kill them.
Can't join them.
He laughs always cause he knows she would never reach them.

Voices.
Louder.
Not Night as she thought.
Night doesn't hate her so.
Faceless.
He is back.
Brutally honest.
Her mirror.
He would bleed the truth out of her not to help her, but for his pleasure.

Heartless.
Soulless.
Maybe he hates her.
Maybe she hates him.
Yes she hates him.
Yes he hates her.
She tells him always.
He smiles back always.
But he would never voice it out no matter the cause.

Cut.
Remove.
Pull out.
He won't leave.
No matter how many parts she cuts.
He won't leave.
He said three major ones.
First two too painful.
Could not continue.
Too long ago.
And now she's said too much and so people would notice.

Tears.
She won't shed.
He would win.
He can't win.
Suicide.
She won't die.
Cause he would take the credit.
He would win
He can't win.
So she must endure it till she finds another saving grace.

Voices.
Help.
Don't.
Fake.
Fraud.
She disgusts herself.
So she hates her too.
He knows.
So he stays.
He stays.
She he torments.
He torments.
Voices...she yells but no one hears...caged with him forever her heart bleeds...

What if...

He keeps his heart in a cage. Locked up, safe, secure. He loves not, hates not, trusts not, believes not. He is neither happy nor is he sad, neither joyful nor sorrowful.
But she manages to get into the cage, and after much care and tenderness, frees the heart and lets it fly. Now he loves, he hates. he trusts, he believes. But most of all, he feels pain...
"A heart once held, can no longer live alone"
He falls for her, and she for him. And as all sad tales go, the end up sleeping together. Then he finds out she is his younger sister.
The one person he trusts, loves and lives for...

What happens now?

Lets talk divorce - Do they qualify? There was no 'unfaithfulness' so it would be called a sin for them to divorce right?
Lets talk incest - Can they really be accused of that? They had no idea until afterward that they were of the same blood.
Lets talk kids - Well oh damn, what is another tragic addition to the mix gonna hurt? Ho do you say 'oh mum and dad are siblings, same way you guys are'?

Now his heart, now a flight, suddenly has its wings clipped. It falls, in no gentle way, and is crushed by the overwhelming feeling of pain that it had been skillfully protected from. Worse still, the cage is no more.
"A heart once held can no longer live alone"
He cannot go back to that cage because once it opened and was emptied, it disappeared. Each cage can only be used once see. Another has to be built and that takes time...at least to get one strong enough to counter or match the previous one.
Originally, in the place of the cage, she stood.
But she cannot help. As strong as she is, she is still but only 'human'. She too would be damaged by the news. She too would hurt from it. And she too, sadly, might have her wings clipped off...

So I ask you the same question they asked Mi, what happens now?

Spoiler: A Million Stars Falling from the sky...

Oh for fuck's sake, can all movies/series/anime/manga sites be made to have a category called 'tragedy', so I don't have to waste my life watching something that would end with a Romeo and Juliet theme or one left in the world????
My friends say I get too involved in my movies and all that...the problem is my life is already a fantasy and I like to keep it that way. So anything that is 'happily-ever-after' oriented is welcomed in. I have made it a personal decision to stay away from anything that brings reality too close. That is why tragedies, which are based on the sad aspects of life, are a no go.
Why the rant?
I just watched a Japanese series called "A million stars falling from the sky". Imagine my almost heart attack when I found out, by accident, during a search for a part of episode 8, that it was a tragic ending that awaited me!?!?!
I mean from the way it was going originally, I figured it would be a "Death Note" deal you know? The bad guy gets caught in the end, bla, bla, bla...but seriously, what the fuck was up with that ending!?! By the end of episode 7, I had the entire story figured out and I was like "Fuck my life..." I have a problem see, when I start something, I have to finish it. If I don't finish it, I get uncomfortable, get a migraine, get itchy...almost like an allergic reaction. So yeah, I have to finish it. In summary, I watched the story knowing fully well what would happen at the end.
But it wasn't all bad though. Oh no...at least it was the best solution among all the many dandy choices tragedy gives. Yes, yes...they both died. If that girl, who decided to stop thinking as soon as she finally got the boy, had not shot herself after killing the reason I was watching that series to begin with, then I would not have forgiven her!
If it isn't clear, yes I do blame her for what happened...at least most of it. (Of course if that baka of a Kan-chan had told us from the beginning she was that man's kid, life would have been easier). But back to the girl.
You cannot coax a caged heart into trusting you and coming out, just to let it fly beside you solo! She said it herself, he had forgotten how to fly, so why, oh why would she expect him to be able to fly on his own just cause his heart was out of the cage???
I know this cause...
I mean all she had to do was ask ne? Talk to him like she used to... and what happened to all that bs about believing in him, protecting his heart, and etc....in the end, as soon as she heard from that busy body of an おばばあちゃん, Kotoko-chan that, of course all this info was hear-say from yours trully's imagination, that her brother - fake - had killed her lover - real brother-'s father, she flipped and decided the one she wanted to protect in the end was not the one she claimed originally!
And why the hell did she pull the trigger!?!? He was fucking shedding tears for crying out loud! Stop and think...when has Ryo EVER cried before!?!?! She had literary never seen this boy cry! Yet when she was before him, crying out accusations and making declarations about protecting her 'brother', and he began to cry, she who for 10 episodes had been the master at reading his true thoughts and getting what he really wanted to say, suddenly went dumb and did not understand what now became too clear it was almost stupid!!!
Oh but of course our little princess could not have done it all alone. Oh now. Ryo, that bastard who could not decide if he wanted to be good or bad, just had to become human, and the worst kind, at the end. Self-sacrifice for crying out loud! How could he decide that that was the best option!?!? I really don't know which of the idiot siblings pissed me off the most!
Really, as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free...
It's been a while since I have had such an intrusion and been this pissed! I have now succeeded in giving myself a migraine as well...
も　いい　です!　おやすみ！

Insane Child 101...

So I think I am driving myself slowly yet surely, closer and closer to insanity. One of the many ways I am trying to accomplish this, is the fact that now I am worried and terrified about my dream - which is what it is as of now - to go to graduate school in Japan and study IR. Of course the fact that I do want to go there in the first place, to some, is a sign of insanity already, so there is that. But since I long stopped giving a flying ass about what people think, that is not a tag on my insanity spill...lol...

I got a book about going to graduate school, but half way through, It felt weird reading it. Plus I still have no idea what 'research' plan I want to do when I get in. Of course lets not forget that my legendary dream school would be none other than the International University of Japan, which so happens to be on the top 50...yup...in the world! So technically, yours truly is aiming for an ivy-leagueish school...

Did I forget that my dearest papa knows nothing of all these plans? As far as he is concerned, his 。。。, *cough* I mean daughter, is going into the School of business probably (though she is under the illusion that she wants criminology), in the United States...Ivy-league too. Well at least we both are on point on the Ivy-leagueness of the school. lol

Then there is the fact that I cant stop thinking. Like for a second, I just cant. Something always pops up. It seems like my 'to-do-list' keeps getting longer and longer, and the more I try to get the things done, the more the pages turn...like "oh don't relax yet, there are a few more things left"...and no, it is definitely not the regular 'to do list' that humans have...no, no...mine is special...lol.

And then there is 'he who must not be named', who, for reasons I cannot fathom, can't shut up long enough for me to even think straight, and won't leave...well more like cannot leave, so I am stuck with him for God-knows how long! I cannot decide which is worse, the constant yapping, or the permanently "I know you are gonna have a near break down soon" look on his face...

Maybe I should...I don't know...I really don't know...right now though, I have to go study. Sure I aced the last test without a lot of review, but I am pretty sure, from experience, miracles happen once in a while...

Bleeding

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let me see the crimson color of sin,
that lies beneath your smooth skin.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your heart.
Let me bask in the sorrows it encompasses,
and watch you struggle to weep with a soundless voice.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your soul.
Let me see the scars that appear each time they speak,
and watch them form a gaping hole as they spread.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let it all out from the slit.
For then alone, at the sight of red, would I recall that you are human.

Both sides of the coin

I adore your smile.
The way it starts, spreads, lights up and brightens the world.
I abhor your smile.
The way you let it out, hide your feelings and lie to the world.

I adore your laughter.
It's gentle sound, characteristically unique, in a cute way.
I abhor your laughter,
It's icy state, cold and uncaring, a response to all things.

I adore your voice.
Smooth and silky, seductive when you want it to be.
I abhor your voice.
Easy and always, destructive all but when you are in a fantasy.

I adore your fingers.
Gorgeous and delicate, a beauty to behold.
I abhor your fingers.
Cutting and touching, easily doing damage to your soul; uncaring.

I adore your eyes,
Sensuous and seductive, they can bring a player to the point of game over.
I abhor your eyes.
Devilish deceiver, Oh if only looks could kill.

I adore your life.
Pampered and un-lacking. Being broke was never in your DNA.
I abhor your life.
Leashed and chained. Your comfort comes at the price of freedom.

I defy the laws quite bravely,
Because in you, i get both sides of the coin.

Aimless

Is it even possible for a normal person to be bored though they are supposedly very busy with a lot of shit to do?
Well I guess there is no big shocker there...the fact that I find time to be permanently bored and sick of life, and in need of something to do when I have classes, homework, movies and all the etcetera humans tend to call 'activities', just goes further to show that I am too complicated for even 'life' itself to figure out.
lol
My friend asked me last week what my 'aim' was... for the summer at least, not in life.
I swear to you that I was silent for exactly sixty seconds.
Blank.
Blank..
Blank...
I had no response to that.
I flashed back and realized shockingly that a few months ago, unknowingly to me, I became a robot. My life was programmed by many forces, and 'mi' was put on the shelf. Like I took a vacation or something, forced one at that, and my life has been on auto-pilot since then. Worse still, I have no freaking clue how to turn that off.
Plus even if I find the switch, when I turn it off, I am inevitably going to be faced with the question "now what?" And since I am yet clueless, my life would come to an alarming halt.
In case you can't tell from my tone of alarm above, that is some freaking scary shit!!
WTF is going on with mi?
Oh but my sudden blank state is not even the very scary part...oh no. As sick and twisted as I have become, that would just be too easy.
No, no.
The scariest part is that I am neither content, comfortable nor scared of this current state. I don't even give a shit...I feel...NOTHING!
zilch, nada, betsuni....no fucking thing (PMF)...
Oh of course except the boredom...that one I can't get rid of...
So what do you do when you find out that your life, for a while now, has had no aim????
I guess it would be a lie to say I feel nothing...but saying I feel amused by the situation simply goes further to confirm how fucked up in the head I have become...(PMF).
So for fear of becoming psycho, I earnestly seek an aim...at least for this summer...

Blank Roses

You wait eagerly for dawn,
and as soon as the day breaks,
you await the night fall with even more longing.

You are like that silly teenage girl, who just had her first crush.
You stand impatiently waiting for him to pass by,
on his way to life of course.
And once he passes by, you instantly await his return,
moving by you, once more, on his way again.

So in that second between night and day,
In the time when the world is neither here nor there,
Neither light nor dark,
I choose to tell you this,
as your attention is waver-able.

Waiting, longing, wishing, hoping...wanting...
Doesn't it bother you that you continue this pattern knowing not what you die slowly for?
Does it not make you sad to follow through with this daily?
It sickens me to have to watch you so.
Like a junkie, you chase after the next high.
Well aware of the implications after the buzz is gone.
Aimless, you wonder the earth, simply doing things because one told you to.

In case you were not aware,
I do loathe you.
I loathe the way you have perfected your fake smiles for the world;
While inside, behind closed doors, I am forced to watch you wither in the abject misery you have dumped yourself and cannot escape.

I do loather you.
I loathe the fact that you neither laugh nor cry.
You simply sit, and in sitting, wait.
With each day and each night that pass,
you simply watch.
Then at it's dawn,
You pause...
Wait...
And then gently sigh.
As if to say 'Ah, not here yet? Well maybe at the next turn."
What the hell is it you wait, pathetically, for?
I cannot even ask you this, because you yourself are at a loss.

Yet as much as I seem to despise you,
I cannot leave you.
It is not merely because we are bound to each other.
Maybe because I do need you?
I fear that abandoning you would kill you,
and that it is a fate I too would not survive.
Our hearts only beat as one...when it does beat...
I want you all to myself, yet near you,
I want you far from me.

So I guess we are alike in our indecisiveness.
Just yours puts us in a blank dark world.
Unable to move forward or backwards, we remain lost.
Watching life and waiting for...I guess...a part of life.
This state I clearly despise...and I feel deep down, do you too.

I adore and abhor you,
You adore and abhor Mi.
But this knowledge does make us the safest for each other, does it not?
You for Mi,
Mi for you.
Thy peace art mine,
As mine art thine...or the lack of it there of.

Her Own World

The world she created, the world she was forced into.
The world she dreads, the world; her safe haven.
the world she adores, the world she abhors.
The world she constantly wants to flee from, the world she never wants to leave.
The world she was free from, the world she was chained to.
The world she watched, the world she stared in.
The world she longed for, the world she had.

This was it.

This was her tragedy, this was her beloved.
This was her blessing, this was her curse.
This was her creation, this was her destruction.
Of what world do I speak,
if not of her own world?

MI

...Still heart...

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs.
When tears are shed,
she sheds some too;
But hers are strangely of joy....not the emotion,
Just the laughter that embodies it.

In their pain,
She is at a loss.
She cant seem to come up with a way to console,
Because while they cry tears, possibly bleeding from the heart,
She is in awe of their emotions.

She listens and gazes in wonder,
Almost happy and giddy, fighting back the constant urge to laugh,
Which seems more of the beast than a beauty at times...
Waltzing before her, seeming to taunt her as it moves.

How is it that they can cry so freely and release their pain,
Yet she remains trapped as she is,
Doomed to not feel, and when she does seem to feel,
To only laugh? For when she tries hard to free her emotions,
She is sent back to the day they died.
As though cursed with only two choices:
To stay as she is, or return to when she stopped.

The pain is unbearable,
Like a knife twisting through her heart,
Seeming unable to decide if it should kill her or let her live.
Yet to feel again she must start from there,
Like time there froze, awaiting her return.

But the worst times are when they shed those tears,
And when she cares for them as best as she is capable,
But is unable to render any form of comfort to them in those times.
For weird and sad as it seems, her first instinct is to laugh when they cry!
And no, this is not in spite or in jest, for in her own way, she feels their pain.
But that is the only emotional symbol that remained unchained
So though she laughs, it does not mean she is happy,
For by no means is that so!

One asked if there was one thing she couldn't do,
That seemed to fascinate her.
For how do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
I simply cannot be happy?
How do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
The act of feeling is but a mystery to me?

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs,
Is there no other way to free her from this blissful-doom,
Than the other alternative which seems so intent on killing her with each try?

...Summer tears...

He wrote this for me, and I feel now I should let you see,
Just as he left it, so shall I let it be:

WHERE HEARTS HAVE CROSSED

A STAR HAS FALLEN

TO GIVE RISE TO A NEW SEASON

WHERE LIPS HAVE TOUCHED

A SPARK IS ARISEN

WITH EVERY DOUBT CASCADING

WHERE LOVE IS LOST

A FLAME FLICKERS OUT

IN HOPE OF ANOTHER TOMORROW

WHERE BLISS IS ATTAINED

A NEW LIFE AWAITS

WHERE TWO MAKE A VOW

WHERE FOR WORSE,POORE, OR IN SICKNESS

"TILL DEATH..." KEEPS THE PROMISE................

Did I cry? Aye, but not nearly enough...just the amount my frozen heart would let me squeeze out...
Do I mis him? Aye, not nearly over the shock...more than my frozen heart is meant to feel....

And no I dare say, we were neither lovers, nor potentially so....
Simply two people whose time clocks ticked together for a while in times past, until one ran out and the other was left yet alone again...

...Bitter-sweet Sacrifice...

My, my,
This is what I see,
My, my,
we are meant to be.
My, my,
But I'm most peculiarly,
Almost not interested in you.

My, my,
Is this real and true,
My, my,
do your dreams hunt you?
My, my,
I'm afraid to sleep,
For nightmares are all I see.

My, my,
You believe in fate?
My, my,
Is my destiny set?
My, my,
Shall I hover still,
or call it a day with a knife at my wrist.

My, my,
Its a wedding day.
My, my,
I seem to be the star.
My, my,
Shall I first say I do?
Then put the bullet through before you.

My, my,
Its a mystery still,
My, my,
Why I detest you so,
My, my,
Shall i tell the tale,
Or let you imagine what you feel.

My, my,
I do believe you're fake,
My, my,
But in my father's eyes,
My, my,
You are all there is,
And there seems should be.

My, my,
So I guess guess its time.
My, my,
For a reason I don't know why,
My, my,
That sound just wont stop,
Until I opened my eyes...

My, my,
Its your dream come true,
My, my,
I guess I lost to you.
My my,
But when I watched the blood flow,
I imagined your face when you return....

My, my,
Your dream came true,
My nightmares were real,
...And to end that, I had to kill both...

Romeo + Juliet

Would you still, knowingly, leave me,
after you know I have waited for so long?
Would you still, with a smile, leave me,
after you know how I fared the last time you were gone?

And so it came to pass,
that you walked, and I broke.
I chased after you through that field of flowers,
To me a maze, to you a memorable path.

Did you ever look back?
I think you heard me calling,
For even the birds paused to listen to my voice.
Or did you really go deaf?

Deaf to my heart's beat and the sound of my pain,
Deaf to the music of my tears and the wishes at my lips,
Deaf to the whispers in my hands, and the pleas in my knees.
But then you stopped.

I froze, afraid to take a breath least I send you aflight.
I froze, praying you finally cared more and I was done crying.
I realized. Then I ran. But it was too late.
You only paused to think, never for my sake.

The blood spread around, slowly, like it had a destination in mind,
You stared up at me then smiled, then shut your eyes to the world.
Ironic it is, isn't it, that I got my wish at the very end?
Yet I wish now that you had stared someplace else, at the sky maybe.

So you still left even after my pleas,
So like you to leave in style, making a master piece with beauty, pain and sin.
And that smile at last, you knew didn't you?
That this time I would smile and not cry for you.

I stare down the maze in my white dress,
I know you heard me, for even the annoying preacher's voice carries from a mile away,
Speaking of life, こい, heaven and hell.
I told them you fell and your wish was to dwell amongst the flowers.

Some people think I killed you, in my deranged yet psycho state.
So they try to stare me down, which would have worked in times past.
But we both know the truth you and I, sick and sweetly as it is,
It was for a dramatic reason you chose these fields,
though I wonder if you got you desired answer in the end.

So like you to draw your own conclusions, that I would be better off,
So like you to believe I would remember you for life,
So like you to be right always.
I am better off as my heart's still and my smile fixed.
I am better off as I remember you in semi-hatred, as the cause of my dead-yet-alive state.

As I set myself aflight, I wonder how it would be.
Would there be more flowers, smiles or a welcome party too?
But as I lay here still in the cold, as the darkness comes,
I understand that smile of yours at the end.
Alas my dear, It's just as anti-climatic down here, as it was watching you from up there.