So-Fas

Who am I kidding? I am, in every way, obsessed with the piano or keyboard. I fell in love with music in the first place for this reason. Each note hits me like a prayer, and is very capable of flowing through my entire being. When I play the keyboard, I know I am no longer in this world, because I am lost in the melody that is created. Fascinated at the fact that just a simple touch of a key can create so much intricate and exotic sounds, sometimes delicate and other times extremely bold. Yes I still do adore the guitar, and I adore boys that play it the most, that in itself will never change. So you might wonder, why is it that I refuse to play the piano anymore?
Simple.
Because the melody of the piano is the only thing and the only sound that can get to that box. It gets to it to the point that sometimes, that which is in hiding and locked up inside is actually moved. It gets there so much so that for the few seconds I allow myself to indulge for a bit, I feel almost alive and complete again. So I run.
I run because that is the safest thing for me to do.
I run because at that very moment, the temptation to give in a reopen that box is too great.
But then even you know that I cannot open it. At least not yet, and not by myself. I do have the key to the box, but then me opening it myself would mean doom would it not? It cannot be that the only thing that knows the melody is the piano, and also the only one that can move this box and it's content so delicately.
Maybe you think I am a coward, and maybe you are right. Maybe you think I am simply being ridiculous, and again, maybe you are right.
But I cannot bring myself to think like you do, and open it simply because you say all these things.
So please, do not misunderstand me when I turn away and move in the opposite direction at the sight of one playing or at the sight of a piano. It is not out of a sudden hatred that I do this, for it pains my soul almost as badly as a stab to the chest would, each time I take this action. The fact that I am Christian is the only reason I believe my soul has not been sold to music. If I do believe in love right now, I will say that music is one thing I know I am in love with.
The sound of the piano, the so-fas, the notes, the melody...
The one thing that is capable of picking me up, spinning me around and over to another dimension, and bringing me back to this place with more longing than I had before I went. They say once you taste a good fruit, you never want to go back. Is this any different? It's like a drug you can get high off, and when you have too much of it, like I did, at some point, you become too obsessed, and a slight shift in things, a little change in fate, leaves you wanting, broken and almost destroyed. So the simple solution in recovery would be to hide that vulnerable part of you that was almost trampled, and stay away from the source of you mishap, no matter how painful such a decision may be.
...if I were to believe in love, music will be my first love...

あなたの目を開店したとき...

(When you opened your eyes...)

When you opened your eyes,
You said "Who are you?"
And my heart was crushed to bits.
When you opened your eyes,
You turned into her arms,
And my heart was ripped out from me.

Was our past all a dream,
Or is this the nightmare?
Just last night I was in your arms,
Just last night you whispered words about forever.
Who would have guessed I would play Cinderella?
Who would have thought my forever only lasted till midnight?

When you opened your eyes,
It was as though my heart stopped,
because the pain made time freeze for me.
How is it that you forgot it all in the blink of an eye?
How is it that the thing I wished for the most,
is that which kills me ever so slowly?

When you opened your eyes...
Oh my aching heart,
Is there a way to rip it out totally so it hurts no more?
It bleeds and is crushed, yet it would not leave me.
Is there away to run from this pain for good?

Now you've opened your eyes,
And your time has resumed.
Now you've opened your eyes,
Yet my time has stopped.
It is a sad joke fate plays on us.
We walk the same planet, two lovers, searching for our love,
Yet we are doomed to pass each other each time,
With the other only a breath away.

My Raven which isnt mine...

The raven flew away from me today again. He looks so beautiful and pure, that from a distance, it hurts to watch. I want to touch it and be close to it, but I fear each time I take a step closer, it seems to retreat from me even more. It flocks around with its own kind, and the truth in that hurts my heart. Do I wish to come over to your world?
Nay it is not that I wish for, but for you to come over to my world.
The raven has smiled again today. It is so sad that he smiles, yet when I look closely I see sadness in his eyes. What is it that haunts you so? Nay, I know it, yet I am chained and cannot help. I am a coward, this I know, so I am doomed to stay away and watch him play with his kind. I am doomed to stay away and watch him sink deeper and deeper. This is my punishment for being so weak.

Sometimes I want to yell and fight them off. I want to yell
"Don't touch him! Don't touch my Raven!"
Yet I realize even that is wrong. And this realization ties me down too. I have no claim over him, so I have no right to call him my own. In all fairness, they have more claim to him than I do, yet I cannot help but feel an ache in my heart when I see them with him or see him alone, as I know he is but in search of them.

It is not as though he does not know of my existence, it is more like he knows, but I do not come to him. Th Raven would not come to me, because he does not venture away from his kind. It is a lie to say he loves everyone as he claims to, because no one who says that with a smile is for real. In his eyes you can see the truth as clear as day. In his eyes there is a shadow there that makes me want to pick him up and draw him to me. In his eyes you can tell that this present him is but a shadow, and that there is the real him locked inside. What made him run and hide? What turned the tables for him? I want to ask these things, I want to be the one to know these things, because some how I feel as though no one else can tell. No one else can tell that this is a shadow of the real Raven.

Yet I know this would not do.
And this realization plagues me daily.

The Raven is away from me for now, but soon he shall return. He shall return to that spot where he always stays, within my eye sight, yet out of my reach. It is not love that I feel for this bird, as sadly, my heart in that sense has gone cold. Yet I long for it. I long to be close to this bird so much so that is hurts my frozen heart. Is it wrong that I want him all to myself? Aye it is, as he is for all, and I was called to find him by my master. But still, I wish he would play with me. I wish I would be the closest one to him. Yes I know, this is a selfish thought, and this as well keeps me from moving. The Raven is different from other birds, even his kind, because when I look at him, I feel as though he and I are kindred spirit. Is it the loneliness I see in his eyes mirrors that which I feel, isthis is why I am drawn to him?
The Raven lived today and smiled I am sure. With this distant light, some balm is spread on my aching heart.
Me and the Raven together even now, is but a Phantom of my imagination.

Thou which are not mine....

I stare at the wind,
the wind I cannot see.
I smile to myself,
because the wind is free.

I stare at the bird,
the bird I cannot catch.
I smile to myself,
because it can fly away.

Who clipped my wings and placed me here?
Who took me and sealed me in this space?
I look around but cannot find the culprit,
So I smile to myself.

Aren't I pitiful?
This distance between us is but a joke,
as I only need to look down to see the chains you have around my legs.
No matter how far I go, you have me on a leash,
When I try to forget, you pull the chains to remind me.
I have to smile for the world,
yet in the mirror, my reflection does not smile back at me.
Looking at that, I smile to myself
"Aren't I pitiful?"

I stare at the sun,
In all her glory,
yet like me she is on a leash,
confined to walk the day alone,
and hide in the shadow of the moon at night.
I watch the moon,
In all her beauty,
yet like me, she is on a leash,
confined to walk the night alone,
and hide in the shadow of the sun in the day.
I smile to myself, and it seems they smile back,
"Aren't we pitiful?"

The things I ask...

And if i tell you he stole (took without permission) an item from me, and I am going to take it back from him without asking, would you say I'm also wrong? Did I too sin as well by taking back, what was in the first place, originally mine, without asking?
If he pulls the trigger on everyone around me, and I do it to him before he does it to me, will you also say that I was wrong too? Did I too sin as well, by killing him before he killed me?
If she sleeps with men who are not married to her, and I give in to a rape making it seem consensual, will I too be seen as a whore? Did I too sin by not fighting anymore so as to reduce the damage that would be done to me?

I ask you these things,
yet you give me no reply.
I ask you these things,
yet you look at me in silence.
Do you not have anything to say to me?
Do you not have anything to confess to?

Don't compare the two of us,
simply because it is convenient for you!
Don't compare the two of us,
simply because you cannot think of a better word to use for me!
Don't compare the two of us,
because I am 'Me', and you are 'You'!

Is it fair that you smile at the moon from afar,
yet up close you treat it differently?
From afar it looks like the perfect twin,
pure and bright with no imperfections,
yet up close, you see the scars it tries to hide,
and you, believing it is the evil twin, are quick to judge.
You, believing it is the lesser one, are quick to run and hide.
Is it fair that you smiled and raised hope without finding out the other side,
only to turn around and crush that Hope along with the shred of life that once was there?

You say the words,
I hear them well,
Yet as your mouth moves,
You body moves in the opposite direction.
Step out of the picture and take a closer look,
Is it one side of you I see, all of you?
If you wish to show me all of you, then I would accept you as you are.
But if you wish to show me a side of you, then keep the other side away from me forever.
For it would crush the me that has come to love the side of you that I know,
and the me that was before I met you, all together, to find out there is a different side to you.