It's a Family Affair

I can't explain how the dynamics got so twisted, but here I am. I feel like a butterfly stuck in the middle of a webbed circle. There are no webs at the center where I am, but I am surrounded and trapped. It's against my nature to not be 'open my arms' and 'open minded' when dealing with family. I mean, my definition of family contradicts the 'not' in that sentence. Yet I find myself compelled and almost forced to do that. I can't laugh like I usually do, or talk like I usually do. They are family, yet they are strangers. They are strangers that are family and can be friends, yet I am asked to be wary. I am asked to 'guard their expectations'. 

In relationships and feelings, my mind works black and white. I don't know how to be a 'not so friend' with someone legally described as having a blood tie to mi. Theory: If we're connected by blood, without a previous negative occurrence, we can be friends. I can tell my friends things. This theory has worked since I was a kid. Once side of the family lets my theory work. My life is a series of theories. When these are broken, I get distorted. 

The theory above is broken. The other side of my family broke it. 

Now, I'm distorted. 

What I know, what I understand, what I have lived by, what I have processed and adapted, my theories and my codes, all broken. 

Now what?

My Close Far Friend

I have a close friend. Who became a friend. Who became my close far friend.

People always said she was poisonous. And while she had a lot of us as friends at some point, we all seem to drift away, or run away, when our problems come because then we notice the 'burden' carrying her problems are. Then we hear all the talk about her being poison. All the talks about her being a negative influence. All the talks about her not being the right sort of friend for us.

Looking back now though, I ask myself, was it not more mi not being the right sort of friend for her??

She had issues that she needed divine intervention to work out. Issues that have now become deep rooted and are plaguing her today. Granted then, I was not in a position to help. At least, my emotional and mental state at the time were so focused on mi I couldn't see past my little 'hell'.

But now I look at her, hear about her, read her stories and feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think 'I probably played a hand in that outcome'. One can argue that she made her choices, there's nothing you could have done, she is strong willed, and all that English people like to speak when they don't want to accept responsibility. But if I want to be honest, there is something I could have done.

I could have prayed.

I read about my friend's life now and I fight back the tears. In her words I hear loneliness, hopelessness, despair, bitterness, hatred, regret, pain, sorrow....and all the things you do not want to hear from a young person. She has rejected God, because she feels he has rejected her. She feels this way because none of her friends prayed and held on for her.

But I love that it is not too late.

So first, I will repent for not doing my duty as a friend. Then I will pray for her like I do myself. I know she needs a hug from God. I know she wants it. And best of all, I know God wants her too.

So until the day I read a different story from her life, my prayer shall be "Lord, show her you love her, show her she has a right to be happy, show her she is beautiful because she is your child. But most important of them all, show her she needs you"

Won't you pray for my friend with mi?? ;)

xo