Friendship: Need versus Want.

Your friends are not necessarily those you say hi to everyday. 

Those you don't say hi to everyday not not friends. 

Want versus need. 

Are friends those you need in your life or those you want in your life?? 

Which is healthier or better?? Or are they on the same spectrum just at different ends?? 

I have friends I think I need. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

I have friends I think I want. It hurts when it doesn't feel reciprocated. 

So if you need but are not needed but wanted. If you want but aren't wanted but needed. Does it hurt less than when you are just not needed or wanted period?? 

I really want someone to explain how friendship on this side works. 

Games, Games 😘😘

I think it's hilarious that I created a game I am 100% uncomfortable playing. 

I made a game called questions, which are 150 questions you ask people over drinks and time. There are a number or sexual and personal questions. More things I'm curious about regarding others, not so much what I can respond to. Mostly cause I'm quite the coward. And I end up judging myself for whatever I say. 

But I like this kind of high (how I currently feel). Wine makes mi tipsy, but not the type of tipsy that stops my impulse control (like other drinks), and leads to self hate. 

I also really like my cohort. A certain group. And I wish I was less awkward (at least in my head). 

Happy day light savings kids. Church in 5hrs, quite doubtful considering the time but I'll try.

 🙈🙉🙊

xo

Mi

Is This 'Thoughts Mania'??

I just want someone that's mine. Not romantically in this case. 

But what a selfish request that is, no??

#Diaries of a 'bad' girl trying to become 'human'. 

This is too damn hard. 

xo

Mi

People are..Human??

I recently became aware that I see people, inherently, as either good or bad. No grey area, nothing in between.
I also recently became aware of the fact that people are human who make mistakes. This makes them neither good, nor bad, but just human.
I hear this statement, I really do, but somehow, it does not register in my schema or cognitive process. And I don't know how to fix this.
The problem isn't necessarily how I treat people, though that does come into effect. The problem is I hold myself to this same standard. Thus, I am either a good person or a bad person, nothing in the middle. This is a very difficult place to be in because being a good person requires perfection, and I don't think there is a person out there who can be perfect. So since I can't be perfect, I am constantly not a good person in my book, and striving to become one.
It's exhausting, and I am tired.
But I still can't shake all of this. I don't know how to not think this way. I don't know how to not be a 'bad' person striving to be 'good', and just be human period.
I don't know and to be honest, I really truly wish someone will tell mi how. I wish someone will be able to tell mi that it's okay to just be mi - human. That it's okay to just be mi, because there isn't such a thing as a good person or a bad person. There are just people, and people make mistakes which is okay because they are just people. People do bad things and people do good things, which is okay because they are again just people. I wish someone will tell mi these things.
And better still, I wish I can understand and accept these things.
Most of all, I wish I could just not be so tired.

Not the way I envisioned day 5 of my thankful/no-complaints life to be going. This is going to be a really long journey.

xo

Mi :(

Confused

I don't know what's wrong. 

More like I can't explain it. One minute I was fine. I really was, or at least trying to be. I think the rum didn't help. It took away my active blocker and now all these feelings are coming crashing in uninvited. 

Saying I miss him, my friend, is insane cause he is literarily here. He hasn't gone anywhere, yet he feels so far away. 

I realized a storm was possible when I felt jealous that he was close to someone else. But I started CTT on myself, and it was working. It was going fine. Then it wasn't just one someone else, but another person came in the mix. And though I keep telling myself the distance I am feeling is self imposed and created, I can't help it. 

I don't know what to do. I feel the friendship fading, though in actual fact it isn't. Yes I feel it going, and from past experience, this isn't something I can stop. 

My T said jealously isn't a bad thing unless you don't do anything about it. I am on the 100 days, but I don't know how to be thankful or assertive or see the positive in this situation. I don't even understand the situation. I don't understand how I got here. I mean I was fine. I was really doing so well.

 

Sitting with your feeling is constantly preached. I am right now and it sucks. I am right now and all I want to do is run away from myself. I just want to run and keep going until I don't feel anymore. So tempted to sleep but I have work to do. But I wish, I just wish someone could understand this and explain it to mi so I can know I'm not insane. I don't like this. 

I really don't. 

100 Days....

So I decided to do 100 days of being thankful and 100 days of 'no complaining'. It is currently day 3, and there are two things I've found interesting and amusing thus far. The first is the difficulty in conceptualizing 'complaining'. What constitutes complaining versus 'calling a spade a spade'. I think I will need to consult google and some scholars for that.

The second amusing occurrence is the reaction of those around mi when I told them I was doing the 100 days. Everyone, without an exception, laughed, said it was impossible and didn't think I would last. I found this amusing because it either means I complain so much that going without will be impossible, or that that not complaining is against the human characteristic. I can't be offended if the former is the case, cause lets be honest, that over 50% of why I decided to embark on the challenge (I think I complain a lot in my opinion). But everyone's reaction was a bit unexpected to be honest.

I do realize it will be difficult. More than difficult actually. I initially planned on telling no one (should do a challenge on keeping secrets/sharing information on a need to know basis too....I think I'll add that actually. Though I believe this is harder than the complaining challenge), but I think this is one of those challenges you need accountability for. Knowing that so many people expect mi to not succeed is more reason for mi to want to be successful. Plus in the end, I think it will make mi a better person - more peaceful, more grateful and more optimistic.

But dang a 100 days is going to be hard. God help mi.

Day 3 done, I'd say successfully :)

xo

Mi

Petty Still or Growing up??

One thing I've come to realize about myself over the years is that when I have a three way friendship, I tend to get jealous if the other two appear to be getting closer to each other and I'm 'left out'. Then I inevitably begin distancing myself from them (of course they get closer), and then I become less of a part of the 'three way' and then I'm out. 

Presently, I have found myself in a similar situation. At first, I was jealous as always. Or at least I thought I was. But the curious thing is after thinking about the situation, I was actually sad as opposed to jealous. Which was an interesting discovery, as it is uncharacteristic of mi to feel that way. I talked to one part of the other two, simply catching up, and an even more curious thing occurred. I was/am genuinely happy they are getting closer. Though I do realize and am sad about the fact that I am getting left out, it's not jealously or sulky like before. 

The quarter system at school makes time seem to fly by very quickly, while appearing to be longer than it really is. So while two weeks might have passed in the blink of an eye for instance, it will feel like a month because of all the activities packed into it. This makes not talking to someone for a week seem like longer and can make the parties feel a lot more distant, as a lot can happen in that time. So while I realize it has only been a few weeks of distance, I am able to recognize that this feels worse because of the system. 

In the past, such a realization would have been impossible; and in the off chance that I made it, would not have mattered in terms of affecting how I feel. But I am still sad about missing out and not talking to the other parties as much and not being a part of the 'in-group', and having to accept that I won't be the closest to either party. Though I understand that that's a little ironic coming from someone who allows others to get a little close but never gets close herself.

I do miss them, though there isn't much I can actively do in the moment to change that. 

I wonder what would happen if either party ran across ris blog/post. Will they know?? How will they react?? 

I wonder now, do all these feeling make mi petty still, or am I growing up??