50 Shades and Other Colors: Rated R (3)

Ok I lied. I can't stop ranting lol. But since this is my blog, I do as I please....

I love this page: http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/page/28 

I think it sums up almost everything (and some) I was ranting about in my last two rather long-winded essays - ya turned out longer than I expected. Hilarious.

My friend, who introduced mi to the book, is head over heels for it, and thinks I am same. I don't have a heart to tell her how I truly feel. That and the fact that she seems ready to rip heads off when it comes to this book. And I think I'm the only one in my current continent who did not get 'violently' turned on at all from the books!! A second friend told mi it's hard reading the books here, since we're alone. Took mi a few seconds to gather she was referring to the sexual aspect. Erm....I was quite fine actually. I think the Brotherhood series, now that would have been a hard read. I think the only difficulty was getting past the exaggerations and the repetitiveness - the number of times I had to read 'oh (insert name)/ 'crack whore', 'your Ms. Robinson', same old arguments, etc. 

Oh and just on a side note, What was the use of the random character in the building (I forget the name Es....), the one that looked like he worked for the media?? He didn't play any role - aside from having things delivered to him - in the story so I don't understand why he was included. 

Another side note, why were there several pages of very unnecessary emails - back and forth - between Ana and Christian?? About a third of the third book was comprised of said emails - that again added nothing to the story line. 

Side note again (lol). I am hoping Christian remembered to take out all the grossness he keeps stuffing in his pocket, and spares poor Mrs Jones. Though a woman who would clean up the play room toys  after various women with questionable hygiene, health status and background, doesn't strike mi as one who would be so particular about the gross contents of her boss' pockets. And why, pray tell, does he have like five million condoms spread across all his clothes?? Does he have them on auto-delivery from some store or something?? 

Final side note (I promise), I think Ana would make a fine psyc patient. She definitely has some delusional disorder, possible schizophrenia, is bipolar, has some borderline and histrionic traits, is co-dependent on her master/dom/husband....a psyc ward's dream, whats not to love?? 

Ok I'm done now. Really lol. 

Bed time. Had a good laugh and feeling better.

50 Shades and Other Colors: Rated R (2)

Where were we?? 

The third book.... as far as waste of time, space and precious computer space goes, this book takes the price there. A more expendable piece of literature is yet to be published. There was absolutely no point to the third book. Nothing was said or done in this book that could not have been said and done, in a concise number of pages between book one and two - which could also have been cut short to maybe a 20 or so paged thesis-like paper. I think I read about half of the book, skimming over most pages on the way. And for some absurd reason, its the longest of the three!! I love how their are so few sex scenes (at least in the parts of the book I glossed over), compared to the first two books. Like James got bored of her own writing - which I totally understand. There are just so many 'out of this world' positions you can create at a stretch. The one thing that could have been entertaining - the connection between Christian and Hyde - was, oh so splendidly murdered by the wonderful writer's anti-climatic skills. Nothing could have been more of a let down than 'we lived together'. I think its spectacular though that Christian, with the photographic memory from his childhood, conveniently forgets living in the foster home where he met Hyde. I'd be pissed too if I were Hyde lmao. Of course the ever-water-working Ana holds back a sob, on cue.
Meanwhile, what were those last few pages in the book about?? Bonus material?? lol

 I swear E.L James wrote a really long fantasy diary and split it in three. She had to get every page published somehow. 

Now an overall picture.

First off, and least problem of all, is that I was thoroughly offended I had to use a dictionary every couple of lines in this book. I didn't realize I knew so few words in the English dictionary....or understand why she had to use more sophisticated words than necessary....
I think the most incredulous thing I've ever read, has to be the contract Christian handed Ana. I snatched up my glasses, a pen, paper and navigated to wikipedia for a thorough understanding.

Ps, I now have some very useful knowledge, incase I am invited to a gathering of Doms and need to make small talk. 

After careful examination, I concluded that Ana, though she was a virgin until Christian, must have been a proper whore in her past life to have considered signing that contract in less than....what was it a week?? I mean did you see that list?? Even if you wanted to experiment and all, isn't the norm one at a time?? How do you consent to EVERYTHING in one go?? lmao And as for Christian's 'hard list', just how depraved is he to even think of some of the things on that list as considerable options to begin with?? Electrocution and fire?? What are we talking about here exactly?? Is he trying to say someone has asked him to do that before and he decided it was not for him?? What do you do sexually with electrocution?? Fire?? Do I want to know?? 

And just out of curiosity, is it really that enjoyable to get your boobs played with?? (I am genuinely confused). Ana seems to have morphed from a different specie, in my opinion, cause she finds it a little too good to be true.
The time frame in this book is ridiculous. After a week, Ana is going on about wanting more and etc....five weeks latter, he proposes and they lived happily ever after. At what point does reality step in?? I mean he is/was a Dom for crying out loud, one week can't be enough time to change all that I would think. Unless he wsn't as die hard as we all feared. 

Nevertheless, after knowing a man for 20 seconds, I think it is outrageous, down right rude and narcissistic of you to up and ask him to get rid of his lifestyle and give you 'more'. I mean all he wanted - as per the contract - was 3 months in the hay (I love that arrangement btw. 3 months and then we review if you were good enough in bed and etc.)

While I found the new discovery of love and other things most adorable, it gets to a point where you are like 'get a room please' and want to haul the book at the wall. The third book especially, is like being trapped in a room with a couple of sickly-in-love newlyweds, for no apparent reason - as I have stated above. 

It's exasperating to read 'I love you' every two lines, they have the same fights over and over, make up the same way over and over, basically, the story becomes a drag. That feeling you get when 'you are constantly forced to be the third wheel when your really good friend gets a boy friend and insists you all hang out together cause she feels you would be lonely otherwise' comes to mind. 

Then there is the fact that Ana feels the need to cry every time she thinks about the 'love' she has for Christian. Seriously. Once is adorable. Twice, mm ok cute. Three times, get your shit together please. If the love overwhelms you so much, then please by all means kill yourself and let us all be spared. 

It would also be nice to get some things left to my imagination - as per feelings. There is no reason for her to voice EVERY single thing she feels/express it all. It makes the book read like eating a very unhealthy bowl of sugar syrup. Puke sweet. 
As for the words 'Oh (insert name here), I think I've heard/read enough to last a long time. Do people really talk like that?? Really!?!? 'Oh Ana', 'Oh Christian'....(death by hanging). Ana is the worst when it comes to all this mushiness - between her sudden waterworks  sessions and her need to over-romanticize and analyze everything where he is concerned - and I thought I over think things. Hearts and flowers really is the definition for her. 

Also, her lack of understanding for modern technology is quite preposterous. For instance, in the 21st century, there can't be one person out there who, does not have an email address - and is a college student. Even if you'd rather write letters or send an owl, I am pretty sure the school expects students to have a school email address. So why was Ana perplexed when she was informed she had an email address (which should have had the word 'new' attached)?? Is it such a shocking occurrence?? 

Now, just how hard is it to get used to being rich?? I mean it's not that she, Ana, was broke before they met or dirt poor, so why, pray tell, is she always borderline depressed when it comes to 'their' money?? Yes you are from a humble background and etc but there's a limit. Plus what's with the constant 'it's over the top', 'how much was it' et al when it comes to presents?? Did she ever hear of the words 'graciously accept'?? After a while, I was sure she was just faking. Its ok to gasp when you see the price tags on things - which by the way, aren't you expected to take the price tags off when you give people presents?? Why, for instance, was her entire walk in closet still price taged?? Since he has no regard for money (has more money than sense - only sentence I loved), shouldn't be a problem if she didn't want the clothes. They could have donated it or something). 
I digress. 
As I was ranting, its ok to gasp when you see the price tags, but after dating the guy for all of 30 seconds, and he tells you he earns $100,000 per hour (erm what by the way?!?!?), you're just being unnecessarily dramatic, and a borderline if you continue to complain about him spending money. Crying 'woe is me, woe is me. My boyfriend is a mega-zillionaire and likes to spend his money on me' on the streets is liable to get you shot, revived, drowned, revived and then buried alive. 
Stop with the attention seeking please, its just unladylike.  

I think the spectacular thing is that Christian stayed true to character - fkd up till the very end. That at least was the most realistic aspect for mi.
Random thought, grammer check, an editor and a kind truthful friend would have gone a long way in the betterment of this tale. I didn't want to admit it, but I can see where the 'its a book about sex' comes from. Rather than a story with a lot of porn in it, its incredulous porn with a storyline instead. Thats probably why the scenes and conversation are so unbelievable.

Also random, what the hell is the 'great room'?? I got the names for most of the other locations in the house, but great room?? Why??

I could go on, but I think basically, what I have been trying to say is, I could have lived my life happily without reading this Trilogy and been just fine. For those wondering, if I didn't have OCD, I would not have been compelled to get to the last page....it was a headache trying to do otherwise. Once I start something, I have to finish it. 
Next time though, I shall be sticking to my instincts Thank you very much. I will not pick up a book just cause it was recommended. 

50 Shades and Other Colors: Rated R (1)

*Spoiler Alert

Yes, I succumbed, for lack of a better word, to the pressures of the world around mi, and finally read the 50 Shades Trilogy. As my usual outlet for frustration declared that she wants nothing to do with this, I am left with this avenue as my only offloading site. To keep this from becoming a long monological rant, I'd try my best to summarize. Right then, lets have some fun. 

Shocked, dumbfounded, bewildered, exasperated, irate.... and other similar adjectives come to mind when I think of the first book. My common sense and logic were assaulted off the bat. Needless to say, the first book was a huge test on my sanity, patience and morality. I think it is quite unrealistic how easily Ana accepted the entire proposal though. I mean for someone who had ABSOLUTELY no experience/interest in men, she managed to fall head over for the most extreme guy in the entire North American continent and in such a short time!! 

Then, I am nowhere near a veteran on the whole sex thing, but is it actually realistic to go at it like 12 times in a day, at the very vigorous rate, and have as many orgasms as they seem to!?!?  I'm almost sure rabbits, with their Guinness book of records rate of reproduction, won't beat this. And quite frankly, it gets boring. After the first two, I started skipping scenes. It became an 'ok ya, I get it, lets move on'. 

Some of the scenes/positions were just impossible to visualize. I'm a very visual person, so if I read something like 'he throws me over his knee, puts his legs over mi, shifts mi to the side then...' (paraphrasing horribly here), the image that comes to mind is far from sexy, comfortable or....you get the picture. There are some parts where I sit and try to stick figure the scene in my head just so I get a general idea of what the heck is meant to be happening - and I can't. Take the piano scene for instance (wrong book but just making a point), how exactly was that scene played out?? my understanding of a piano doesn't allow for all that movement and effortless sliding. And where does the satin come from?? It would have been helpful if real people were used to practice these many imaginative positions, just to make sure the human body can actually contort and stay in said forms.

And wtf was that whole tampon scene?? Right after the word 'tampon' came into view, I skipped to the next chapter. There really is such a thing as too much freaking information - even in a book. Please stop, just nasty. We understand that Christian has reached beyond the bottom of depravity when it comes to his sexual prowess, but that chapter was very unnecessary in reemphasizing said point. 

Though I think she could have wrapped the entire story up nicely into one book, the second story comes closest to the word interesting. There is the build up for the reason behind his wondrously fkd up self, Kate finding out about her best friend going from virgin to professional whore in less than 16 days, and all the meant to be juicy stuff to come. Unfortunately, my joy was rudely snipped shot by the very anti-climatic way everything went down. 

His reason for being 'Fifty Shades of Fucked Up' as he so eloquently put it, was because his mum was a crack whore - I use said term because Christian made it a point to only call her that for three books straight - who let her pimps beat him as they saw fit, died and whose body was not discovered for 4 days - with him locked in the same room. Granted, thats pretty messed up, but for all the build up, that was quite the let down. Don't get mi wrong, thats a pretty fkd up start to life, but the way the story is told and with the anticipation, you get an 'and then' felling....like there ought to be more to it than just that. Did he get sold?? One of the pimps tried to do something to him?? Idk, something....

Then the gorgeous Kate. 
One of the few times there is a need for some apt reaction, E.L James simply stops, making the scene oh so anticlimactic.When Kate found the contract, her reaction has to be the most half-baked portrayal of shock/anger I have ever read. I mean I don't know about other people, but if I find out my best friend, who has had no interest/experience in men, is suddenly seeing some guy who requires her to sign a contract - the likes of Christian's - I would have more than 'two sentences' to say about the issue. 
She could have used that opportunity to smack some sense into Ana, do us all a world of good. 

As long as this book isn't nominated for some Nobel prize or literary award....I guess there is still some shred of home left....

....Intermission....