Candies are a substitue for kisses...

Lets be clear here: Candies to me revolve around chocolate...just sounds better as candy rather than chocolate in the piece :P

A kiss is just like candy.
It can be sweet and gentle at times,
Slowly melting in your mouth as you let it unfold,
Making you want to melt along with it.

A kiss is just like candy,
It can be sour and rough as well,
Harshly stinging your mouth as it moves,
Yet drawing you in as it dares you to take it out.

A good kiss is like some candy,
It can be surprising,
It can be natural,
But one thing it can't be is boring. You always enjoy.

A bad kiss is like some candy,
You might anticipate it at first,
It may be well thought of by others,
But the second you taste it,
You quickly realize the world would not spin as it is meant to.

A kiss is just like candy,
Have too much of it and it might just harm you...
Have too little of it, and you just might run mad with wanting...
Candies and kisses...I do adore...

Trilogy: My Pain

The ultimate punishment is...
Death.
No, not one's death as is often thought, but the death of another.

When there is a love triangle involving two girls and a guy for instance, one of the girls usually feels she has more right to be with the guy than the other. But if he is interested in the other girl, she decides to commit suicide.
This is the ultimate punishment. They can never be together because apart they feel guilty, together, the feel guilt and loss, to the point that it turns to hate for each other.

When a mother abandons her child, and then ten years later she comes back for forgiveness, of course the child is not interested. Everyone calls her a bad mother and tries to send her away. But then she announces that she is suddenly terminally ill, and the entire world turns against the son, demanding that he forgives her. Him forgiving her or not in the end does not change the fact that he gets to loose her twice: Once when she abandoned him, and the other to death. The child already lived his life thinking his fate was punishment for some crime he had committed as a child. Her death would prove his point more in his eyes would it not? It would take a miracle to keep that kid from going south, won't it?

Have a fight with someone, and you know you are wrong. Maybe you said something that upset them really bad, and drove them over the edge. They commit suicide, and you never really get a chance to say "I'm Sorry." So you are left wondering if it was truly your fault that this unfortunate demise occurred, or if it was bound to happen anyway in the end.

You get a message that a certain friend is bitter towards you, yet you have not the faintest idea why. And in all seriousness of the matter, he or she fails to talk to you from that point onwards, despite your desperate attempts to make peace for what the devil himself knows not of. Then in a fatal accident, he is ripped away from life, and you are left with the pain and regret in your heart. What is it that I did to wrong him? Did he ever forgive me? And if, pray it be a blessing still, you are Christian, you are burdened by the additional plague that this certain someone might not have made it to heaven because he died harboring a fight in his heart against you. Now while some may say the fact that you apologized makes you free from guilt, it is totally impossible to be free now is it not? You were more than mere acquaintances with this fellow, and to believe that you have something to do with the fact that you two might never meet again, not even in the after life, or at least not above is too sad for words...and yes, is also truly a form of punishment for that sin...

Death.

Many believe death to self is the ultimate punishment. Yes it may be a free pass to eternal damnation, but it is bloody hell more painful to remain with the pain in the heart.
I have never been to the other side, thank heavens, but I have been on this end, and I have seen death that came with it more than the pain and sorrows of loosing the deceased. I have known death that unraveled a once tightly formed bond, so much so that the members become worse than strangers...but simply members of the human race, cohabiting the same space. Too disgusted to be more than that to each other, yet bound by some final wish made at a death bed to remain together.

How ironic it seems, that an unloved lover tells her lover to be happy with the woman he has picked over her, while the doctor clearly states that the cause of her death is that of betrayed love?
How ironic it seems, that we say we fear the unknown and try to stay clear of it to keep 'safe', yet the minute one is pushed to a far wall in an extreme situation, death - which is by far the greatest of the unknowns - is the first exit considered by most?

This punishment. This thorn. This tragedy. This plague. This force that we do not understand, yet holds so much of us bound and controls half of our fate - the other half controlled by its mortal opposite, life.
Death. How we fear it, how we shy from it. Yet when the heart turns cold and life is shed aside...how we run to it.

...Watashi no Hanshi...

"I think you are an emotional masochist, and because of that, I believe you sort of understand why regular masochist, some at least, do what they do." she said to me, and paused waiting for me to give her the go ahead, which I did with a smile.
"I learned this from House, the show I mean," she continued, shifting in her chair, a little nervous. Who could blame her, I wasn't helping wtih my emotionless fixed smile now was I?
"When House went off his pain pills," she continued, "the pain in his leg became unbearable. So he decided to break his pinky finger. Of course any normally functioning person would know that breaking your pinky is an unbearable pain, but it did not hurt as bad as the leg did. For a few minutes, his brain transferred the pain sensors to focus on his pinky, and he got relief from his leg."
She paused again and looked at me before she went on.
"I think that is the basic idea behind masochiesm. I mean the physical pain for them is easier to bear than what ever else they face. For you though, you don't like pain. At least not physical, and you don't want anything to show. So you get emotional pain." She smiled at me, as though she had just given me a compliment. I was a little baffled, but my smile remained unshakable.
"You do and say all sorts of things to get yourself worked up emotionally, and to make yourself sad. Because as long as you are sad, then the real pain remains masked and you get temporary relief."
She smiled sadly before she went on.
"The only time one knows you are in real pain, is when you make the mistake of inflicting a pain of greater or equal effect as the real pain. Then there is a problem. You either get a double doze of whatever it is you are trying to avoid, or you end up falling back to it as the lesser pain because the created substitute is too painful to be a sub."

I stared at her. In all her glory, no one could see her true colors. Her smile was as invented, easy to whip out and easy to put away. It was beautiful to the eyes, but painful to her heart. I did not let my gaze wonder lower, because then she decided to let the wishes come true, though that was not the case in reality. She wanted to make me 'face the problem', I on the other hand was fine as I was.
"Don't I get a 'congratulations you have done well figuring me out' or something?" she asked, pouting a little.
I chuckled as I stood up, genuinely out of amusement for the first time in a long time. I walked out of the room, leaving her behind, though I knew she was followed me to places no one else did. As expected, the smile was out once I left the privacy of our space and walked back into the world.

Yes, she knows me best, she who is also me. Atashi no Hansha...

You, me and I

Before I say yes,
Would you listen to my selfish requests?
Before we take this step,
Would you hold my hand knowing I might still say no?

Don't try to protect me,
Without telling me what I am being protected from.
Don't run ahead and clear the path,
Without letting me know you are going.

Don't tell me not to worry,
Because I will always do.
Don't go down the road to save me without me,
Because it wont work.

Did you know I was very fragile?
Even if you say you don't want me to worry or stop smiling,
Did you know I will always smile,
Just as easily as I breathe too?

Don't do things behind my back
because you are thinking about me,
Don't leave me in the dark,
because you think it's for my own good.

For the world,
Did you know I never cry but always smile?
I'm afraid, and I think you know why,
You do, don't you?

So now that you know,
Would you hold my hand still knowing I might say no?
Would you walk with me still, knowing I might turn and run right back?
Would you take the chance still, knowing I might not trust you enough to do so either?


Yapari, Migatte ne? Atashi?
Don't try to protect me,
By leaving me in the dark.
Don't tell me to smile and not worry,
and take care of it because I would.
Don't leave me behind ever,
because I might break.

Hold my hand as you ask,
Hold my hand as I answer,
Hold my hand through it all, onegaishimasu...

because...atashino sayaku no jidayo o sorete iru dakedu sorete...
dakara, dakara...taskete ni onegaishimas...

So now you know,
Would you let me be selfish just with you?
Would you let me take off this mask just for you?

Secret Addiction

You are not made to be an aphrodisiac,
But you work almost better to me.
I sit at dinner surrounded by all,
I smile when the need be,
As natural as my naturally-fake smile allows,
And in silence, I wait.

I wait and watch as the clock ticks,
Counting down earnestly for the hour,
I crave to run back to you as fast as I can,
But I cannot show my longing to all.
So I must be coy,
I must play it cool

If our relationship is known,
No one would understand.
If I let it out that I need you so bad,
People would freak!
Some may say its unnatural, that I'll make you an idol,
But we both know the facts.

I need you, maybe not as much as you need me
I want you, to the point that a daily dose is no longer enough.
I enjoy you, so much so, for you forever make me smile.
I am with you, because with you as a companion, life is never dull.
Did you know that I smile and laugh when I think of you?
Did you know it hurts me the most when you hurt me?

So as I am now, I wait.
Waiting, Watching, Anticipating.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, since when did time glide by so slowly?
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, I smile back at all who smile at me.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, finally, time is here!
Did you know, me and you, computer...I won't say...
Why?
Cause it's a secret...

The Games We Play

Your eyes look around,
Yet stare only at me.
There is the color in your eyes,
That only I can see.
In the midst of the crowd,
You stand separated from me,
Yet why is it that I feel your hands on me?

I whisper to the man that walks to my side,
He whispers back and I smile.
We both know I was talking to you,
From across the room, I know.
You feel it don't you?
I can tell
The way your body freezes at my voice.

Here we are standing side by side,
With the crowd around,
All I can do is laugh in wonder,
How do we do all this, stay sane and secret?

I can feel your touch,
You can feel my voice.
You say a word to another,
Yet I get the message from way yonder.
I chuckle as I always do,
but the look in my eyes you see screams seduction.

Finally the distance between us is covered,
At last from across the room, the gap is closed.
Now, we stand facing each other.
I run my hand down the diamonds you gave me,
Watching your gaze drift down to my neck as I approach,
Long enough to let the spot lights shine on you and me.
If this were on stage, all eyes would be on us.
"Hi, let me introduce you to my wife"
He says to you,
"Same here" You say to him, and you and the woman by your side smile at me.
You take my hand, give the back of my palm a kiss and say,
"Nice to meet you."

In this room we stay,
There is a crowd,
Yet why is it that I feel your touch?
As though we were alone with only the moon as our witness?
But you know one thing,
He stands here, and she stands there,
So we continue to smile and whisper and stare,
Enjoying the fun as we take turns tormenting each other...