Fire

So because someone has now become an official Fcktard tonight, I have to sit here and count sheep or something through what is threatening to become a resumption of painful agony. The lighter wont work, and I sit here trying to breathe through all this, when it could have all been over ages ago with a quick match. And don't ask Mi why genius fcktard over here cannot ask someone, any freaking person here since this is smoke central, for a lighter because thats another book.

The depression would hit in the morning, and then I would have to baby sit. Which is another thing I blatantly would love to avoid. Why do I have to be the one with both the care and don't give a shit emotion when it comes to her? I wish she would just drop all....oh gosh, I wont be able to handle it if she cries. The damn would break and a nervous break down would be even closer....

Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....

If she had the balls, she would have started off with the one she all but stalks now, but lets face it, the rationalization that one must first love one's self in order to accept love or care from another was invented with her as the foundation. So that would not be happening for a while. And I know my current loathsome feeling is not helping the situation, but it cannot be helped.
I wanted it burned dammit!

But why won't it work? The more she tries, the closer the tears come and the more frustrated i get. It is glued shut, and without a clear reason for this, her frustration is unfathomable at the moment! Please help. I need fire tonight or there would be a different kind of burning, one that she, and maybe Mi, might not survive or recover from....

日本 + Arabian Nights + いもとうのふく + 6 inches=....

So I have been postponing this post for the better part of my stay thus far, maybe out of some wish for a divine understanding of the situation I am in now. But since the intervention has not come yet, I would go ahead and post.
I find the Japanese guys' costume (because that is what it is) nothing short of amazing! The boys have three main attires from what I can tell, and two of which are part of the subject of this monologue.

First off, the Younger sister collection.
When did it become generally acceptable for boys to wear very tight fitting capris, most tighter than any pair of pants I own!?! I was mostly alarmed when I realized it was more than a select few who chose this as the attire of the day. I have nothing against the Japanese fashion sense (I feel I should point this out before we go on), but dang those capris! I am sorry, but a guy in capris cannot really expect mi to take him all that seriously! Then the ones who decide to accessorize theirs with an assortment of pink belts, chains and stars, yet swear that they stick to clams are a very interesting bunch I must say. You know there is a problem when your boy friend's pants are not only tighter or just as fitting as yours, but are also more brightly colored than yours!
Note: There is nothing manly about wearing a pair of capris. There is nothing masculine about wearing a pair of brightly colored capris. It is most distracting....lol

Now we go to Arabian nights.
I must say, for something so out of the norm, these kids can pull it off! Sure they look like they are meant to star in Disney's Aladin, but do they pull them off. It looks pretty comfortable I must say, and would definitely not fair well worn in America, but they look perfect in them. lol.

Ah the blessed 6 inch heels.
I love heels. I have more heels than regular shoes, and more shoes than clothes, so believe mi when I say I love and have nothing against them. But there is nothing that would possess me to wear 6 inch heels to class on a daily basis! Aside from the fact that Carbondale's road does not provide room for such luxury, 12 hours in heels is not fun for anyone.
This is why I have to respect the Japanese girls, or at least the ones here for their tenacity! These babes rock heels, not lower than 4 inches, to class everyday. I stare at the shoes and I am like 'OMG that is gorgeous' but then I look at the sky and go 'Its freaking 12pm now, is she gonna be in that for the rest of the day?' But they rock it. At least some of them do. Some you feel the need to walk behind because you are sure she will fall over in the next minute, or you feel super sorry for because she looks like she is in pain.
But dang, the do have some very gorgeous very expensive shoes!

So now that I have come here and realized that the reality of my dream extended more than 2 months in Japan, I have of course, as we all know, began the process of a more extended stay. lol. Would let you know more about that in detail later.
Now off to study for my 単語と感じ quiz, as I continue to question myself and my sanity for this....lol.
Dang, do I love Japan!

P.O.D

There are very few fucking things I hate. So for you to do one of those and get mi this riled up, you know there is or has been a problem. For starters, let mi let you know that the concept of 'bros before hos' is such bs, it aint even funny. It is just as stupid as its reverse, 'hos before bros'. No one controls the heart, and those who try to do, end up being sadder and more stressed out that they need to be.

Why the freak do guys (most) feel the need to decide, on their own, what girls they would step aside from to let their 'bros' in on, and what girls work well either way? I mean I get the fact that there is a need to be considerate, but pls, we are not fucking toys or note books! We do have feelings, can decide for ourselves what we want, and damn well do not want to be tossed from one guy to another, fought over though we know not what about, or get our decisions made for us 'because we deserve better'. Really, listen when you are spoken to and life would be swell.

I am tired.
I am tired of her talking constantly in my head and driving mi crazy because she feels like she is being ignored. I am tired of him ignoring her and causing her to get mi this crazy. I am tired of having to feel gross and disgusted over and over because of her. And most especially, I am tired of the self-loathing. Really, she needs help, and I am tired of trying to give it to her. She needs help, and I am tired of trying to be the one without the psychology degree, trying to administer pshyc help nevertheless.

I am tired, so this is why I ask you for your help. She says she wants change, then force her to change. She says she wants something new, then force her to go for it. She says she wants him, then for fucks sake, make her try, just this once, to get him. Because I fear that soon my sanity would break. I fear that soon I would no longer be able to love her as I do now. I fear that soon I would hate her, and then in turn hate them, and thus in turn make this world a living hell for all of us.

So to make that not happen, I ask that you take care of her. Just this one time. Change her as she wants to be changed. Make her as she wants to be. Let her look in the mirror and see what you want her to see. Let her be who she wants to be. Idcare how much it costs, Idcare how much it would take, but I do care how long it would take. Let her get a change, before the end of the summer, to look in the mirror and really smile. To look in and decide that she truly does look good today. Not that her make up looks good enough to hide the other flaws, or everyone is too drunk to remember anything that happened, but that she would look in, see herself as she is or has become, and fall in love with that person, no matter what the reaction from others is about.

'We'll talk about it later!' Really mi dear, get some pussy and readjust your center of gravity. Switching sexes.... shit focus sometimes....lol

Dark Passenger

Last night he spoke,
the dark one. The single Passenger.
She tried not to listen to his words, but as the night drew on,
it got harder and harder.

Last night he called,
And she found it harder to resist.
The end looked even more gorgeous and she wanted to go.
Beauty seemed to reside there alone.

Last night her heart, if it doth still exist, bled.
She bled for that which she wanted.
Did not know she wanted till it was gone,
Did not know she wanted till she lost it.

Last night he yelled,
and she partly complied.
She wanted to do as he said, because it seemed like it would be better.
She wanted to do as he said because it seemed freer.

He was taken from her even before reality set in,
He was taken from her even before her heart could return,
And that which took him from her is sadly one of her own.
Lost in this maze, she is.

Let her out.
She does not want to want him if she cannot have him.
Let her out.
She does not want to hate if there is no need for it.
Let her out.

So now she shall sit, in disgust with herself.
Now she sits, wondering when the next breakdown shall hold.
Now she shall sit, knowing he, she cannot and probably will never have,
Now she shall sit knowing he was kinda into her.
As a voice she would be perfect,
As a sign, she would be perfect.
So is her dilemma, so is her sight, so is her fate.

But tonight once more she worn.
Tonight once more, the dark passenger has receded.
Tonight once more, her chains are freer, her cage wider.
Tonight once more, she lives.

Them and I

Its almost 3am here in Japan and once again, I can't sleep. No news here.
I just started the series Dexter this week and finished Season 1 today, and I think it might be best for mi to take a break from the show. But we all know that's not going to happen.
I live for this. lol.
But then it occurred to mi why I cannot always immediately identify with the victims when I read of a murder, especially serial killer case, and why I did not do so well on my Victimology class.

I sympathize with the killers.
No, before you ask, I do not agree that murder in any form is good. But I find myself drawn to their story. I want to know why they kill, what pushed them to it, what could have been stopped in the beginning to prevent them from having what we 'regular' people have dubbed a 'normal life', and have perfected the act of faking.
When Dexter killed the last victim in season 1, I felt the loss. It is so strange how I felt my emotions change even as I knew that the death was approaching. For those who watch Dexter, you would understand why this doesn't entirely fall under victimology. At least in my logic.

If only Harry had made a better decision, who knew what difference that would have made. But then without Harry's personal input, I would not have a show.
I guess its safe to fall back on the all too popular saying, 'everything happens for a reason'. But you have to wonder, what sort of divinity is this Fate people blame for all, if it allows a child to be abandoned after watching murders, knowing fully well that that would bring about a serial killer in the future? Yes there is the claim that there is a need to balance the universe, a need for a balance of life and death, and that serial killers, as well as other killers, in their own bizarre and sometimes gruesome way, help fulfill this cause. But is there really no other way for the cause to be fulfilled than this? To doom one to die and the other to take the life, thereby dooming them both?

They say when you take a life, you give up a piece of your soul. Its the law of equivalence. But when you take a life, you release a soul. How is that a balance? A soul is out, and a piece of yours leaves. Everything that has a beginning has an end. One has to wonder, what happens when the last piece of your soul leaves? Does the balance not now shift, now that your soul, which giveth and taketh from the universe, has now given all of itself, but taken nothing in exchange?

I sit here and wonder about all these things. Criminology and Victimology all have the same foundation according to people: To help the victims. But I think people forget a fundamental difference between the two. While the victims in Victimology are in fact those who are hurt or those who loose the hurt, the victims in criminology are truly those who do the hurting. They are victims either to society, to law, to their health or to something Fate has whipped out of her own hat for the sake of balance.
This is why I do not hold fate responsible for the balance in my life. For if that's the case, then when do I know she needs mi as the next exchange for balance?