It's Okay, That's Love (K-Drama)

It's been a while since I've watched a drama series that blew mi away like this did. Secret Garden, I thought nothing could top, but Jo In Sung shii's performance in this drama completely floored me. From start till end, everything about his performance was beautiful. I wish I could write him a letter to tell him how awesome his acting was. Be it the switch in emotions, the portrayal of the disease, his ability to make you empathize, empathize and embrace the character was spectacular. 

Gong Hyo Jin shii was beautiful as always. I loved her in Master's son, but she dazzled here as well. I want to be like Ji Hye Soo when I grow up. She was a beautiful doctor. She found the line between business and personal, and walked it awesomely. Of course there were some ethical affairs in that he probably should have been sent to another hospital, but at the same time, I think no one but Hye Soo could have pulled off the treatment that Jang Jae Yeol (Jo In Sung's character) needed. And Hyo Jin shii was the perfect actress for the role. I didn't appreciate her wardrobe, but I got over it with the amazing acting. 

IOTL got mi believing in all sorts of things - miracles, soul mates, friends, love, relationships, etc. again. Off to go find other things my new found oppas and unnis have been in to watch. 
KDrama creates a fairytale life for mi, I'm afraid I'd keep running from reality at this rate.

How do you feel??

Such a wierd question. Following a loss, asking those left behind 'how do you feel??' 'How are you doing??' and the likes is such a strange human act. What is the appropriate response?? Fine?? So so?? No feelings?? I don't know?? I'm sad?? I'm angry?? 

How do you think or expect the person to feel in that situation?? Is that a retorical question?? 

It's confusing, upsetting and tiresome. Makes one want to avoid others. 

But like humans, we need something to say in all situations. Such a wierd yet normative act people indulge in. 

Adieu

Grandma passed away today.
She was a hundred years old, yet it came as a shock to mi.
She wasn't sick.
She wasn't suffering.
She just slipped away.
It hurt cause I never got to say goodbye.
It hurt cause I never got to see her one last time.
The littlest lady I ever knew.
She couldn't speak English so we never could communicate.
But she would still talk on and on, like I understand her.
I speak so many languages, but I regret not learning one she could understand.
They say she is in a better place.
Right now, I think its just one of those things people say.
Like congratulations when a child is born.
Or get well soon when someone is sick.
Believing it is a different story.
But I'm sure I'd wake up some days from now.
And remember that she did live a long and fulfilled life.
And even though I didn't get to say goodbye, I did get many memorable times with her.
RIP Odede....

Adieu

xo

1012: Another Year

Every year, I get to this day and time, and I write a post. A post which has evolved over the years. This year however, I am almost at a loss for words.
It's been so many years, but it still hurts.
It's been so many years, but many questions remain unanswered.
It's been so many years, but the memory is still strong.
It's been so many years, but your places remain in our hearts.
It's been so many years, but we still remember the good times.
It's been so many years, but you live on in our hearts, minds and lives.
It's been so many years, but we still miss you all.

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2014:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

Naija For Life: As seen on Facebook

Saw this on a facebook post and found it sad, true, hilarious and smh-worthy.
NAIJA FOR LIFE.
(1). Where a man happily meets a lady and when she goes back to her friends, their only question - "Is
the guy loaded?"
(2) Where leaders pretend to be patriotic when they are in office, out of office, they turn to ethnic tigers.
(3) Where a blind beggar will reject a fake Naira note.
(4) Where groundnuts are sold in bottles & water in sachets.
(5) Where parents claim they always came first in school.
(6) Where you can be A driver for years without a 'DRIVER'S LICENSE'
(7) Where Presidents and other government officials don't know the national anthem.
(8) Where the Police have road blocks, and makes more money daily than motorist and their owners.
(9) Where Gala and Lacasera are the best options when stuck in a traffic jam (hold up).
(10) Where you are jailed for stealing maggi and yam, while others are given a chieftaincy title for stealing billions and front row seats in churches.
(11) Where we fight for everything. To gain admission into a university, to get a job and to get on a bus!
(12) Where you are robbed of your phone and the robbers come back for your pin code and the phone's charger.
(13) Where politicians use big and unnecessary 'grammar' to scam people.
(14) Where the type of GENERATOR you own shows how RICH you are.
(15) Where you can easily blame your unsuccessfulness on family members in the village.
(16) Where rich men must have a pot belly, and a healthy looking, slim man is despised in the streets as a pauper.
(17) Where if you 'do anyhow' you 'see anyhow'.
(18) Where a generator is a social amenity.
(19) Where people dey collect change for beggar hand. (Where people collect change after giving a beggar money).
(20) Where People produce Toyota Camry jeans and Dr. Dre slippers
(21) Where the man who had no shoes becomes the president.
(22) Where a 60-yr-old grandpa is the National youth leader of a party (PDP).
(23) Where citizens are more afraid of the police than armed robbers.
(24) Where a civil servant saves $544,000 in her bank from her 'pure water' business in just 2 years.
We are always proud to be called Nigerians despite all these odds.

Are we really always?? Food for thought. 
xo

The Case of Wilson

I never discuss political affairs, or issues that involve public outrage, outcry, justice, etc. Not that I don’t notice them, but I get exhausted because no matter how angry I get or how much I speak, nothing will happen so I try to look at the good in life instead. 

I avoided the Eric Garner details today because trying to make sense of that would simply give mi a headache.

Then, I found myself watching the Darren Wilson interview on ABC, and I couldn’t not get mad. Before I even get into the interview, I want to point out that I never comment on issues like this because there is usually only one side to most stories in the media. I am a firm advocate, or at least I attempt to be, in hearing every side of a story before I make my judgment. 

In the light of the above statement, this write up is based, to the best of my ability, solely on the interview below. 

The interview portion focused on the events which occurred on August 9th starts off with Darren Wilson describing his day - presenting the protagonist as the ‘concerning/caring’ person, whose day took a drastic turn that ended with him ‘fighting for his life’. I say protagonist because what Darren Wilson goes on to describe relates like the plot of quite the unrealistic movie - something similar to Crank (yes, I did not like any of the 'Cranks'). 

I won’t retell his tale, the link to the youtube interview is below for those interested. I would, however, point out a few things, among the many, that astonished mi.

First what happened in the car. Wilson’s explanation, basically brought this scene to mind: Brown is hitting (or hits??) the left side of Wilson’s face with his right hand (first holding the cigar rolls), pauses, switches the rolls to his left hand, reaches back and gives them to his friend. He then returns to punching Wilson - but this time, he hits Wilson on the other side of his face. This takes place through the front window of Wilson’s car, and in the span of 10 seconds. I guess since I’ve never been hit through the window of my car, it should be understandable that I’m having a hard time picturing the scene above. More so because at no point during Brown’s apparently numbered pauses, did Wilson find a window to either start his car and drive, roll up his window, or etc. 

Next, we have the list of weapons/defense choices. During the 10 second scene above, Wilson states that he goes into training mode. In training, the officer learns a number of ways to defend him or herself, prior to reaching for a weapon. First was the mace - he rejected that option because, and I quote, it disables him. If he reached for the mace and managed to spray it on Brown, he might also be affected…. #NoComments. Next, we have the baton. This was ruled out because it was located in his back pocket, and he couldn’t safely reach for it. Understandable. The taser was ruled out because Wilson does not carry tasers, as they are uncomfortable.
Now thats odd.
For someone who, adamantly for 45mins, stated and tried to reenforce the belief that he was an officer who went by the strict guidelines of his training, why would discomfort be an acceptable reason to not carry a taser? Is that reason valid for other officers too?
Moving on naturally, with all other options 'justifiably' ruled out, the only logical step was to pull out his gun. 

Then there is the timeline. Science has shown that the human mind does not remember things as accurately or as precisely as we tend to believe. That being said, it is astonishing to mi that Wilson’s recollection of those 90 seconds is so detailed and clear, including his thought process. If this were a movie, this might make some more sense maybe. There is also the inconsistency, at least to mi, in his emotional state. Wilson states that he went into training mode, was calm and not agitated. At the same time, he was afraid for his life, and of the 'demon' he saw in Brown's eyes. Can you be afraid for your life and be calm and not agitated - kinda like he  was in the interview I would imagine - all at the same time?? I am now genuinely curious. 

Watching the video, here is what I, a layperson, saw. I saw a man who had practiced a story, very accurately and down the the finite detail. A man who had convinced himself that what he did that day was his job. A man with a story that was just perfect; so perfect for a script, absurd for reality. Every second was accounted for. So well detailed and framed to back the idea that he had no choice in the matter. Every reaction that occurred in those 90 seconds was backed by an action beyond his control. Nothing he did that day could have occurred differently because of the choices Brown made. Nothing that occurred that day was his fault. 
Wilson never once made eye contact with Stephanopoulos when he was answering a question. And the more times Stephanopolos repeated his questions at several points during the interview, the angrier I saw Wilson get - in his controlled and calm manner of course. 

I don’t know what happened that day. There are no videos and I wasn’t there. Brown could have tried to pick a fight with an officer. Maybe Brown did hit Wilson, maybe he committed a crime, maybe Wilson did simply shoot an unarmed man for no concrete reason like the eyewitnesses stated. 
A lot of maybes. 
What I do know is I would first need a play by play video reenactment of the 90 seconds to even begin to accept it as a plausible scenario, before we discuss if it did occur in reality. 
So a grand jury accepting this, to me, is quite remarkable. 

I have a good bullshit radar, and its tingling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baSE7SObyw8

Cross My Heart and Pinky Swears

Two things I recently discovered/got myself into.

The first is making promises for things I normally don't intend to do.
Promises, to mi, are sacred. I don't take them lightly, cause they involve some level of trust that I feel honoured to have and bestow upon others. I expect and trust others to keep their promises to mi, and so I endeavour to do the same. So I try not to make promises I won't or don't believe I can keep. Usually, this involves promises that have to do with myself or changing something about mi or dropping a habit, things of that nature. Mostly because this involves coming to terms with the fact that I have to let go of something I don't necessarily want to in the given moment, or haven't thought about letting go in the given moment. And I have to do this because I included the binding phrase 'I promise' to the equation. This is completely a game changer. I have this as a cardinal rule - never making promises I can't keep, i.e., involving a change in myself. I, however, went ahead and broke said cardinal rule.

The second is keeping secrets.
Don't get mi wrong, I keep secrets very well. Just my definition of a secret has, drastically, changed. I understood a secret as a. something other people did not know and b. other people being those who know you. So if I know A and B are secretly dating among my friends from Germany for instance, and I am back in Nigeria talking to some friends about life in Germany, saying 'oh A and B are dating' as I show them pictures of my friends from Germany is fine (I thought) because they don't know each other and probably never will. Apparently, that's not the case. Not only is A and B's secret dating a secret, but the fact that I know that is also a secret as long as A and B want it to be. Essentially, a secret is not based on what I want it to be but on what the source deems it to be. So if A and B say knowing them is a secret, I have to respect that fact (as well as figure out if I am okay with that arrangement).
Funny enough, keeping secrets based on the other party's requirements, though different, isn't as tasking as I thought it would be. It also makes mi feel.... like more of a friend?? I mean if you're the only one that knows something about someone, it makes you two's relationship unique??

In case you were wondering, yes, I am on break and yes, I now have an amazing amount of free time on my hands. Lots of random ramblings to come. And I would also be publishing one of the books (or two) this break....should be fun.

xo

Random thoughts as I don't sleep....

For some reason, I randomly remembered the other day my thoughts on marriage as a kid. I imagined that:
A: I would have a house in four different countries, where I would live during each season of the year.
B: When I get married, I would have a house which would consist of two separate duplexes, connected by a short hallway. My husband would live in one, and I would live in the other. Where the children would dwell never factored into that scenario.

Aside from the peculiarity of the living location(s),  I think it is hilarious that, even at a young age, I could not understand the concept of living with someone under the same roof when I grow up. Which might explain why having a roommate has always been such a chore for mi lol. I love my roommates, but most of the time, I love the individuals as separate entities from the term 'roommate'.

But that's just mi being random and not sleeping like I should be...

3 Months Down....

....4 years and some change to go.

Congratulations to mi, I just completed my first quarter of PhD graduate school. (Cheerrrrrsssss!!!!)
Here is the much procrastinated count down of 10 things I learned thus far. (Drum rolls!!!!)

10. Being stuck in a location filled with other psychologists (to-be) is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence, the appreciation of the quarter system.

9. On that note, completing the first quarter does not, as anticipated, bring with it a sense of relief. Simply more exhaustion.

8. Consistency and communication, among people in office is a thing of the 80s. Inconsistency is the norm now. So generalizability is not only unacceptable with clients, it is also unacceptable with school rules, regulations and instructions. Get with the program.

7. There is a high correlation between Starbucks' coffee sales and the level of tolerance psychologists (who are trained/training to deal with people's feelings) have for each other. If Starbucks is the go-to drug for the 'experts', why are millions still paying for experts??

6. There is, apparently, such a thing as a 'stupid question'.  It is a psychologist's/(to be) job to point that to you, in an ever so passive-aggressive (or what I like to call British polite) way.

5. It is very okay to stereotypically diagnose someone based on your 'cultural consideration'. Also okay to throw that out the window, if I deem an existence of 'clinical impairment'.

4. Saying 'xx is a thing' is, apparently, a thing.

3. The DSM was probably written by a bunch of individuals with a DSM diagnosis, some of whom are certifiable.... (shh, no telling).

2. Overthinking + Psychology classes = Nervous breakdown. Don't do it.

1. In psychology world, there is no such thing as a 'yes' or a 'no'. It ALWAYS depends.

And as a bonus: Kids in this state were raised differently from the rest of the world; AND; they think that it's normal.... 

....Pants on Fire....

The words come out before I am done processing them. It's a story. A fantasy I'm creating. Sure, dark it may be, but it is a fantasy non the less. I don't understand fully, in the moment, that this is reality. It's okay to answer with the truth and be 'normative'. It's okay to not have an elaborate fancy story to tell for every situation. It's okay to not have experiences in some areas. It's also okay to have experiences in areas that are not so dramatic.
How did this all begin??
When I was 10 and I found out, in more ways than not, that being 'mi' and having my 'boring life' didn't make friends, but made an outcast of mi. Somehow, I discovered people were more interested in mi when I was different. Eccentric. Out there. So, I had to revamp myself. I had to become different, eccentric and out there.
The funny thing is, I was already different, just not in a way they appreciated. So I tried to be more similar??
But now, I am eccentric, different and out there.
I never learned when it's 'enough', when it's okay to just be mi - at the level of differentness that I am - versus when I need to make myself even more so.
And since the fantasy began, I have to keep it up. Most times, I can't tell if what I just said is part of my fantasy life, reality or a combination of both. Sometimes, I feel bad because I genuinely meet people who want to know mi, but I don't even know mi anymore so I can't help out there. I mean I say things about myself, but then I think and realize, wait, that's not entirely true. Like 'I've seen xyz' becomes 'I've met xyz'. Which is not technically what happened. But I don't process this until after it's out.
Factitious?? Malingering?? Both??
The more I self-reflect, the more aspects of mi I see and dislike. The more I view, the more I want to move and just start over, clean slate. But then the more I move, the more the cycle rotates. This time I'm actually acknowledging things, so maybe this time would be different?? The possibility of getting to meet the real 'mi'....funny, I'm more scared of what I would find than everyone else. :/

Exam studying time.
xo

I Believe

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. Everyone is convicted differently, everyone is at a different point each time, and everyone is called differently.

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. You can't judge others for what they do, because you are unaware of the place they are with God, or the convictions they have in their soul.

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. Sometimes, our souls could be in a Dark Night, where we feel God is gone. Sometimes we experience Acedia, because of things in our past. But in His love, God draws us back - sometimes through pain and sorrow - and He holds us close. 

I believe the Christian journey is an individual trip. And since I am not perfect in my journey, I have not been on the path you have, or experienced the turns you have; and if your spirit is at peace, who am I to judge what stage you're in or should be?? 

How to Quit a ____

You know that feeling, when you are mad at someone who doesn't know you are, and even if he or she found out, would not care one way or the other?? No?? Just my insane self?? Okay. I'm not so much irritated with this individual, as I am with the fact there no notice has been or will ever be paid to my irritation. So again, I am having a dramatic episode all by myself in my head.

I give up.

Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo

Quite a Level....Opposite

Re-read what I wrote on the last 'quite a level'. Must be a fun ride swinging back and forth. I did figure it all out, with the help of a friend. And I was upset, more hurt than upset. And I was, contrary to my expectations, upset at myself not others. It hurt and I cried. A lot. Not like I have in years. Then I woke up and it all....stopped.
Now, I guess you could say I am numb. You know when you've grieved and cried and hurt and then you are.... done?? There's nothing there, just numb.
It's not peace, but it's not pain either.
I've come to a general acceptance and now, I guess I'm just existing with the new found understanding. Taking the days as they come. Is this how the last of the 5 stages feels??
I'm not upset anymore. At anyone, myself included.
That is a good thing right??
I feel almost robotic in a way. Going through the motions but not really. Saying the right things (or what I think should be accepted in the moment). Not saying the first 10 things that come to mind (cause not everyone wants to hear that). Smiling when necessary, laughing (attempting to) where needed and speaking when spoken to (that way I don't say unnecessary things or think about unnecessary things either). Focusing on school so that way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander. And when it's all done, at the end of the day, all the mental activity leaves mi exhausted and I can fall into semi-unconsciousness. I don't sleep, at least not much. Just enough to keep mi alert and avoid dreaming.
I won't say it's an ok state to be in. I won't say it's a bad state to be in.
It's just a state.
xo

Thank You Note

At Church today, we were told to write a thank you letter to the new friends in our lives (not to be given to them so this is fine), because they are not accidental but designed by God. I had to laugh when the sermon began cause for a while I had been wondering if I was just having a solo tantrum without any audience. Turned out my Father was listening and he did have a response.
So in line with the challenge from church, here is the note:
Hi,
I would like to thank you for taking the time to try to get to know mi and be friends with mi. I know I have a lot of quirks, but I am grateful you are willing to stick around to navigate through them. I have learned that I didn't choose you as my friends, but God placed you in my life for a reason. I don't know what that reason is now, but I trust that His reasons are always for my benefit.
I am sorry if I have been taking you for granted (in anyway), and I hope to be a the friend to you that God wants mi to be.

Love,
Mi

xo

Quite a Level.

Irritated, pissed off, angry....a few words to describe my current emotional state. All masking the hurt I'm meant to be feeling I'm sure. I'm shaking, that's quite a level.
I really want to yell at something or someone right now. Or hit things....
Figured the entire thing out, and in the end, I'm annoyed. I guess that's better than depressed. I know for a fact I'm not annoyed at myself which is also a good thing. I think I'm also disappointed a bit. I should stop saying I have '3' friends cause clearly, I'm the only one thinking in that direction. Which is....mmmm....cannot describe the feeling in words.
Interesting.
These past few days have been an emotional up and down, and right now I'm at the point where IDGF anymore. I'm annoyed I was so affected I almost lost my head and let myself sink into some annoying sad zone. Now, I'm just done.
Stalking people, begging to be friends, etc., is a chore I gave up years ago. It's exhausting and brings about self-harm and  I don't want anymore of that.

Off to do something for mi cause that's all that matters right now.

Brothers are the Best

In the end, I talked to my brother. Not only was his reaction to my entire ordeal perfect - he laughed and congratulated mi on my imaginative skills, though it was put to an unexpected use - but also said all I needed to hear.
Talked to my god-brother yesterday and he too said about the same things - just stricter and in a more therapeutic sounding way lol.
I don't know how a life without brothers works, but I am glad I don't have to find out.

I also got the confidence to tell her about what happened. Funny, though I know there is a chance it'd probably end badly....or horribly, I'm not as terrified as I was before. Because in the worst case scenario imaginable, I'd still be fine.
Going to bed without some apprehensive feeling for the first time in days.

If I worried you, I am sorry and grateful too. It's been a like a roller-coaster the past couple of days, but I think its safe to assume the major loops are behind us now....

xo

All Good

So I had a near meltdown last night (explains the last post ><) but I think I'm back together now. Talked to a friend, got scolded and a good talking to. But most of all, I got a dx and an understanding of what I needed to do. 

It's not gonna be easy. I think this is the hardest ish I've ever considered taking on, but I've accepted the challenge. lol. 

So, from now till my birthday, (thats 80 days), I'd do a 'Who am I according to God' daily write up. Cause I need to accept myself for mi as I am, and not according to the distorted view of my mind. I also need to know that no one's automatic reaction is to run away from mi. And even if it is, it's not because of mi or who I am. 

lol

Just thinking about it is scary. Half the time, I feel like bursting into tears when something happens, cause the first thing I think of (these past few days have been so much worse) is that it's my fault. A very nice confirmation bias occurs (out of delusions too). But I want to try and fix this so hopefully, the happy days are not too far away. And hopefully, this process is a success. Read some of my previous posts. It's such a reoccurring theme year after year, it's quite depressing to read. The cycle always ends the same, but this time, it has to be different. I know I've said this before (annually it seems), but I really am tired. 

"This is my train and I run it. I accept and lead, I am mi"

Stage 5??

No. 

I'm not ok. 

Stage 5

Acceptance. 

At peace. 

I seemed to have breezed through the last three stages faster than I accepted. Negotiation in the shower, depression all through the stages, and now acceptance. 

I have accepted the situation for what it is or isn't. 

I won't say I am happy, just at peace. It is what it is and I can't change it. I don't have to like it, just understand that I can't change it. Isn't that what stage 5 entails?? 

I think Ace let up because it's a new place, and I turned out to be more fragile than anticipated. I would have shattered if the cycle ran according to the normal time course. Shattering now would ruin more than a simple 'I'm sorry' will fix. 

I would still need the fake smiles and laughter. I would still need to keep up with appearances. But the difference now is I know I would be okay. I know I would return to my proverbial norm. 

And in this knowledge, I am at peace. 

Curious. I still never cried. 

xo

To Sleep or Not To Sleep

I don't want to because it would bring tomorrow closer faster. 

I want to because it would put an end to today. 

I'm ready to return to 7 yesterdays ago.
Before this periodic cycle began. 

The 5 Stages

Stage 1 Denial
I think we covered that in the elaborate morning session I had where I tried my hardest to convince her, more so myself, that it wasn't true. The entire thing came as a shock to mi, I wasn't ready.

Stage 2 Anger
I'm mad at him. I'm mad at her. Then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way because it makes no sense. I'm mad at the unfair reality. I'm mad cause I know it is a world I have created myself. I'm mad cause I know its a self constructed trap I can't get out off. I'm mad because the founding emotion isn't even there this time. So there was no pleasant phase then despair. There was only numbness, then sudden slow, climaxing pain.

Stage 3 Bargaining
Not here yet, but I imagine this stage would/should be skipped entirely. There is nothing to bargain. There is nothing to negotiate. I know I would try to bargain with Ace, because that is how this drama always plays out. But it makes no sense because no one else exists in this fantasy nightmare, yet everyone has a part they unconsciously play. So bargaining we shall.

Stage 4 Depression
I imagine this is recurrent from Stage 1. I refuse to believe there is something worse than my current heart wrenching ache in store for mi. Maybe I can finally cry here. Maybe that's what sets this aside as a stage on its own.

Stage 5 Acceptance
The final stage where I return to the functioning china that is my norm. Seems a long way off since we are only in stage two. But then again, might progress faster the more torturous exposure I am dealt. One would think, from the way I am, that I have a masochistic streak in mi. Cause why else would I not try to at least separate myself from my nightmares? I always find a way to select the characters from such a tight knit circle around mi, that there is no option but to go through the motion and experience all 5 stages.

And yet I am even more disgusted because in view of all the problems people are facing in the world, this might sound like an annoying buzzing fly to someone else. So I keep it all to myself, place the perfect smile on my face, have the appropriate response ready and laugh when I need to. I can't let anyone in on this pathetic little nightmare I have myself trapped in.
Smiling through the tears that refuse to fall, I say adieu.
xo

Drowning

So I lied. 

I wasn't looking foward to the pain. I wasn't looking foward to the ache. 

I lied to her. Because it made her feel better and less awkward. 

I lied to her. Because it was a pathetic desperate attempt of mine to hold on to my denial. 

I lied to her. Because I didn't want to have to believe it was true. 

I can't hate her cause she's so innocent, it would have to be a sin. 

I can't hate him cause that's petty and it's almost a requirement of his specie so not his fault. 

I can't hate Ace cause that would be giving in and the level of depression that usually follows is beyond my current time capacity. 

I wish I could talk to someone and cry about it. But as pathetic as the situation is in my head, I'm sure it would be worse out loud. 

So I fake my smiles and laughter, and chuck the occasional 'miserable' look to work overload. I grit my teeth and try not to abhor the sound of his name from her lips. Or anyone else's.  

It's fine. I know it's a phase and it'll pass. I've been through this cycle enough to understand the routine. It's just, as usual, for once I wish Ace was wrong. 

For once I wish I could just breakdown and cry at the current phase and not till the explosion. 

For once I wish the cycle would be broken and I'd be free. 

Typical. I pick 'em with fascinating accuracy. 

She said I looked miserable today. How scared shitless I was that there was a crack in my mask. But she was out of her mind I doubt she'd remember. 

She said I had a guard up around mi. At least that's still secure in place. 

Home is a cell, outside a dungeon. Hard to find a place I don't feel I need to crawl into a hole for. 

For once I wish Ace was wrong. 

6 down.... 1 for every 4 yrs?? 

xo

These Words

The urge to come on here is getting greater and greater. That's not a good sign right?? 

Ace is at it again and I don't care. I think it's scary that I don't care. Cause I know the outcome, and it's nothing positive for mi. But I can't bring myself to be bothered. I simply walk pass all the dreams, imaginative stories and innuendos thrown my way. I see what Ace is trying, but I refuse to acknowledge this episode. 

Because that's what it is. An episode. I fall, it comes out, gets rejected, I wallow in self pity and condemnation while Ace gets a fix on my depressive self. That sounds like something that requires effort. 

I have no energy for all that. I have a limited amount of strength at the moment, and picking my battles is the only way to stay sane. The problem now is, why did I automatically rule this out as a battle worth fighting?? I steady assumed an outcome, why?? I already accept I'd cry at the end of this, and I already plan on it. I'm not even making an effort to change that outcome. Weird?? 

I think that's frustrating Ace. Slowing down the process. It's no longer fun teasing someone when you get no reaction. 

I'm just sad I've gotten to the point of having no reaction. 

xo

No Words....

How I wish the non-existing conversation would go:

You: Are you upset??

Mi: Yes. But I'm more upset because I texhnicay can't say it's all your fault. 

You: Sorry this happened. 

Mi: It's fine....

Basically an acknowledgement would have been all I needed. 

Idk maybe I'm more sensitive to this entire affair cause I'm stressed and this was super close to the brim - right before 'my cup runneth over'. I mean I know it's bad when the thought of ice cream makes things worse not better. I'm afraid this might make mi act weird when I know I shouldn't. It's too soon, not that serious and leads to unnecessary awkwardness. 

I know. 

I get that in my head. 

Argh. 

I think I need to de stress from school. Though I can only see a mounting frustration in the coming weeks then an explosion. 

There is of course also that Dev psyc fear at the back of my head. That's always fun. 

I want to vent. But I don't know how, where, to whom or what to say. The pots at that annoying phase where it's not boiled but boiled at the same time....

 

Behind My Back came Forward.

He didn't mean for mi to hear. And he had a right to be concerned as a parent.
I understand that in my head. I promise, I do.
The problem is I heard and now I can't help but feel hurt.
This is why I'm a firm advocate for the 'not wanting to hear what people say behind your back' policy. Cause my life is perfectly fine while they talk behind my back. But it's when I hear the words that problems arise.

Sometimes

It's been a couple of weeks in Cali, well maybe 2 weeks. While I've found readjusting into the school system (the other end of it) a slightly troubling but fun experience, its the loss of complete independence that I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Coming from living alone, paying my way and getting to places on my own, to having to rely on someone for everything is unsettling. I can't live alone right now cause it's not financially feasible. I can't have a job right now cause there aren't any available to fit my time schedule. I can't go around on my own yet because driving is still a bit dicy for mi.
It's frustrating knowing that I have to ask, and essentially bother, someone else in order to get the necessary things done. I understand that they don't necessarily think that way, but I can't rationally help thinking the way I do. Makes mi wonder if it's because I feel that way (deep down) when people ask mi for help constantly, but then I know this isn't the case. I know, for a fact, that I don't think that way. But why I can't believe others are the same is beyond mi.
Academically, I'm fine. I mean I'm not an idiot. I understand that I need help there when I need it. But it's in other ways.
Like today. I bought a printer. My housemate has two printers in her room. She told mi I could use it anytime I wanted, and even offered mi the option of downloading the CD to my laptop so I can use it whenever. But I bought a printer.
It's not that I didn't trust her offer. It's just....well for one I have the 3 strikes thing. I asked her to help mi print somethings and she forgot. I know it wasn't intentional, but then I feel bad re-asking. So I don't get the things printed, and I loose out. I also don't know what the 'printing page limit' is. Or if I contribute to buying the ink....see how far my train of thought has gone?? I'm not generally that way with people I've known for 6 years and up (at least I like to think so), but it's getting to that time that is work. But then there are some people I feel I won't ever get that way with....
I think the most terrifying thing to mi or rather the hardest thing for mi is not having a job, and having to feel guilty for spending money all over again. Japan cured mi of that. I earned the money and I spent it. I also learned how to budget and things of that nature. Here, it's like a yo-yo diet. I spend money, feel guilty, starve myself of the money, then crash and spend crazy. It's a never ending cycle of insanity.
I want to get the library job. I think I can be really good if I do....or a job of similar nature....
My school does require 16hrs of therapy before the 3rd year. Maybe I can ask my therapist. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to create things to talk about with them.
Anyway I've got assignments to do and papers to write....wrong day for feeling sad....

New State, New Life, Changes

So I finally moved....drum rolls.....lol
While it's a new city, I am not really feeling the 'new town' vibe. Maybe cause I've moved around so much its not so new to mi.... But I love the place already.
Went to Japan town today, which made mi home sick/nostalgic....odd child that I am of course lol.
Have a really sweet room mate. She is quite unconventional, but not in a way that pisses mi off which is good.
Orientation starts tomorrow, and I am not even sure I am ready for the amount of work the school year seems to entail. I guess taking it one day at a time would be a fantastic way to start.
On a sadder note, I still have absolutely no idea on how to curb my spending. I mean I know I have no money, at the back of my head, but then I still find myself buying stuff/swiping my card, which frustrates mi afterwards. I need a job to balance it out lol....or an accountant lol.

Kinda tired so would have to do a proper write up some other time. Just felt like checking in and giving the highlights.

Cheers
xo

Weeping

Weeping. 

I saw a video today that made me want to weep for my country. It was an 8 min or so video of Boko Harem members slaughtering 5 soldiers. They held the men down like chickens, and used a semi-blunt machete to decapitate them on camera, while chanting in Arabic. I couldn't watch pass the first man. What demons would have to posses you to reach that level of wickedness??

 I'm not sure if I should pray for mercy, forgiveness, saving or revenge. I had a mind to hate, but the thought that Jesus forgave/forgives all came to me. If we are called to be like Him, then....so what is the right prayer?? 

Father deliver us from evil. Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Father accept the souls of your children and grant them eternal rest. Father protect us and hide us in you. 

This is not the country I know and grew up in. We had our faults, but at least I could say terrorism was not one if them. Now however, all I can do is weep. 

Mad at it All.

I'm tired of shedding tears.
I'm tired of writing tributes.
More so, I am sick and tired of doing both for people so young.
A parent shouldn't have to bury his or her child, neither should a child have to bury his or her parent without the grandchild by the side. God's promise says we would live to see our children's children.

I'm tired of hearing of cancer.
I'm tired of hearing of how lives so precious, so promising, are cut short as a result of it.
Coming without notice. Causing pain, grief and harm; giving a false hope of recovery, then snatching the hope and replacing it with a gut-wrenching agony.

I'm tired of the dread.
I'm tired of hearing a friend/school mate has 'the virus', then round of 50/50 that follows.
I'm tired of hoping, praying, wishing and stressing, while a terrifying shadow of the grim reaper hunts my view.
With no preventive recipe and no full proof treatment, its a fight between the devil and the deep blue sea, both one and the same, with only a faint distant ray of help.

Its not a person so one cannot hate it.
Its not a person so one cannot yell at it.
Its not a person so one cannot call a jury, find guilty and pass judgment upon it.

I guess I'm just tired today. Maybe because I just wrote two tributes to a very promising life cut short. Maybe because its the third time in less than 3 years. Maybe because I'm in the mood to dwell on the fact that life is such an unfair little b at times.

In the morning I'd feel better. In the morning I'd hope and pray again, because there is really nothing else to do.
For now, I am tired. So I'd just sit here and cry myself to sleep.

xo
 

Angels on our Journey

There are angels that come down and amongst us.
They live, they love and then they leave.

But when they are gone, their memories live on.
Passed from mouth to mouth, as the tale of 'a brother who', 'a son who'; 'a friend who'.

An angel has left us.
But though the tears are shed now,
His words, his warmth, his love and his heart,
Would one day bring only smiles and laughter.

He fought a brave fight, and now his work here is done.

So we bid you adieu.
Rest well dear son, brother and friend;
Our gentle passing angel.

In memory of Paul Uche (1991-2014), because his gentle smile remains clear in my memory. Whenever he crossed my mind, I asked God to take away his pain, and in His own way, He did.  

I pray He also comforts those left on this side, and fill the void now present. 

Tired Tales

Today's original post was meant to be a comic piece, another 'Lagos adventure', but I'd have to leave it for another day.

So it's officially 27 days left. I'm excited and a bit 'odd feeling' at the moment. Too many balls in the air for my normal peace of mind, yet I am the calmest I've ever been. 

I know God's got mi covered. I just have to learn to listen to him more. 

Longest time I've spent with the family since I was 10. Moma got it right. I'm a bit too independent for my own good I guess. I feel at home yet a bit 'guestly' at the same time. The break flew by a lot faster. Felt like I was visiting old friends I'm quite comfy with. Learned a lot too. About my family, my country and politics. Sadly, most of my lessons are a bit negative. Or rather sad at the very least. 

But all the same, I am glad I spent time here rather than Korea. For once, I didn't feel like I was on the run. 

I am ready for my next adventure though.  And what an exciting one it's promising to be. 

Tired. More on 'The Wonderful Life of Mi' later. 

Chao

xo

Mi

Breathless

Overwhelmed.
I need to let it out.
I need to shout.
I need to talk, scream, something.
Why?
Cause if I keep thinking I'd go insane.
If I keep trying to find answers to all these I'd go crazy.
I ask God. But it's like the more I ask, the more questions come up.
The only answer I know is that I have to go.
I know if I stay, I'd be stuck.
I can't explain how I know or why that scares me a lot, but it is.
Maybe because this is the longest I've stayed.
Maybe because I feel out of my depth and lost.
Maybe because I have a blank slate when 'this' is presented as my future.
Maybe because I simply do not want to.
But the questions keep on coming.
The answers keep on running.
I know if I talk this out I'd be fine.
But there is no one to talk to.
I mean everyone is around, but 'a someone' is missing.
Everyone else would ask more questions.
Everyone else would be equally burdened.
Everyone else....
I need to talk, scream, something.
I need to shout.
I need to let it out.
Overwhelmed.

The Definition of an Adult

I took my younger sis (cousin) to a certain hospital to get a minor procedure done. I don't know if at some point in the night I prayed for God to increase my patience, but the amount of times I had to count backwards to keep myself from snapping is unthinkable.

We arrive and have to go look for - because it was a search - her lab results. After being ignored for the better part of 30 mins, the lady at the desk casually goes 'it's been moved to your file, go look for it in records'. I'm like you didn't know this before or what?? 

So we get to records. 

The ladies there are nice enough to say there is no such result in the file. At this point, a Dr shows up and I think 'oh someone with some sense is here'. Little did I know. 

She comes and sorts out the lab issue. Then she turns to my sis and goes 'did you come alone?' Because I have, obviously become a rock. So I said no, I came with her. Is there a problem. 

She gives mi a look. A 'you can't be serious' look. And then she goes 'how old are you'. 

Ah, that face again. Accompanied by a snort. 

So I tell her I'm 24.  She asks how we are related. We tell here we are cousins. 

And she's like let's sit down. 

Then she proceeds. 

"I'm not comfortable with the distant relationship" I ask what distant relationship is that. And she's like we need an adult to sign this since it's a legal document.  I'd prefer a mother or father or aunty or uncle to sign". 

By this point, I'm biting back my words. 

So my cousin says I'm as close as it can get, and she has no one else around so it's gotta be me. And then she goes "well we just need someone above 18...." And shrugs. 

So basically, I am not 'adult enough' in her eyes to be the guardian but whatever. Now for the icing. 

She decides to explain the consent form to mi. What it is, how to write my name, what to write, asking if I can spell the name of the procedure. All this is done in that tone you use to talk to a 5 year old. Seeing as I am only legally an adult and not a real adult of course. 

I breathe through all this. 

Cousin goes in for the procedure and I go to sit near the nurses' station. I say good afternoon, the nurses respond. I sit and begin reading. 

A nurse comes out and she says "We brought you here to come sit with us, you could have at least greeted the nurse sitting there". I stare at her and laugh. Cause at this point I am sure this is a trial. 

"I already greeted them" I respond. To which she goes "You should have come closer, she won't hear that kind of greeting". Dear God, give mi the strength. 

The other nurse must have noticed my face cause she calls the talking one over and tells her ya I did greet them. The the original speaker looks at mi and goes "Oh you greeted? It's okay, I just assumed". 

Of course my word was really not enough to convince her, and she doesn't need to apologize because well I am obviously younger. 

Save mi. 

I'd skip the irritating fellow that came to find out if I was the 'friend' or whatever I want to call it. As long as I am neither father, mother, aunty nor uncle, my status isn't of significance. 

So I come in to see her. She needs some medication and an injection. The doc asks why I haven't gone to fill out the prescription yet. How the hell was I to know there was an injection that needed a proscription filled before it could be administered?? 

I go to the pharmacy, in a different building, involving traveling through the sun.  After making mi wait for some time, the pharmacist tells mi to go back to the doc to get something changed on the proscription slip. Can I get the other drugs and go with those?? No. 

So I travel back to the ward. Of course, the doctor is missing. 

The nurses run around searching for him, then the matron tells mi to go search for some more nurses and have them search for the doctor. Can't be bothered to ask why that has become my duty. 

Don't find him so the matron goes to find someone else. Eventually the form is changed. 

I go to the pharmacy, the lady is asking mi what took mi so long. I get the drug and head back to the ward. One of the physicians tells mi I should have brought this to them earlier. 

I smile and nod. Because I'm this close to cursing him out and it won't be nice. 

Did I mention I had to go drop some specimen at the lab - a lab I had to search for by the way - and the lab tech tells mi to come back in three weeks for the result. Of course, I ask him 'result of what test'?? And he says of the specimen. So I ask what tests he will be running on it?? (naturally, no one informed mi there was going to be a test so I have to ask why I need to make this perilous journey again). He looks at mi and says 'the result of the test for the specimen'. Is it so hard to tell mi what kind of test you plan on running???? 

So I'm seating here willing myself to breathe and just ignore. I'm not mad because I had to run around aimlessly, or because they didn't think to make calls to the different departments to make sure what's needed is there, no. I'm mad because the only reason for all this was simply because I am not 'adult' enough in their eyes. They called mi 'baby' the entire time. Since half of them were my age, I'm not sure why that name appeared appropriate to begin with. They would not have talked to my mum like that or sent her on errands the way they did mi. Or be extra condecending in their speech. My cousin said it's cause I look young/not my age. So they thought I might have been lying about my age. 

My point is this, if someone is signed as the guardian to another person, especially for a procedure, it means the parents of the child has consented that said person is responsible enough to handle the situation, and should be treated with the same courtesy and respect you would award a parent in that situation. I don't give a crap if you've been in the business for years. 

You don't do that. 

Ok back to regular activities. Lol

It's a Family Affair

I can't explain how the dynamics got so twisted, but here I am. I feel like a butterfly stuck in the middle of a webbed circle. There are no webs at the center where I am, but I am surrounded and trapped. It's against my nature to not be 'open my arms' and 'open minded' when dealing with family. I mean, my definition of family contradicts the 'not' in that sentence. Yet I find myself compelled and almost forced to do that. I can't laugh like I usually do, or talk like I usually do. They are family, yet they are strangers. They are strangers that are family and can be friends, yet I am asked to be wary. I am asked to 'guard their expectations'. 

In relationships and feelings, my mind works black and white. I don't know how to be a 'not so friend' with someone legally described as having a blood tie to mi. Theory: If we're connected by blood, without a previous negative occurrence, we can be friends. I can tell my friends things. This theory has worked since I was a kid. Once side of the family lets my theory work. My life is a series of theories. When these are broken, I get distorted. 

The theory above is broken. The other side of my family broke it. 

Now, I'm distorted. 

What I know, what I understand, what I have lived by, what I have processed and adapted, my theories and my codes, all broken. 

Now what?

My Close Far Friend

I have a close friend. Who became a friend. Who became my close far friend.

People always said she was poisonous. And while she had a lot of us as friends at some point, we all seem to drift away, or run away, when our problems come because then we notice the 'burden' carrying her problems are. Then we hear all the talk about her being poison. All the talks about her being a negative influence. All the talks about her not being the right sort of friend for us.

Looking back now though, I ask myself, was it not more mi not being the right sort of friend for her??

She had issues that she needed divine intervention to work out. Issues that have now become deep rooted and are plaguing her today. Granted then, I was not in a position to help. At least, my emotional and mental state at the time were so focused on mi I couldn't see past my little 'hell'.

But now I look at her, hear about her, read her stories and feel guilty. I feel guilty because I think 'I probably played a hand in that outcome'. One can argue that she made her choices, there's nothing you could have done, she is strong willed, and all that English people like to speak when they don't want to accept responsibility. But if I want to be honest, there is something I could have done.

I could have prayed.

I read about my friend's life now and I fight back the tears. In her words I hear loneliness, hopelessness, despair, bitterness, hatred, regret, pain, sorrow....and all the things you do not want to hear from a young person. She has rejected God, because she feels he has rejected her. She feels this way because none of her friends prayed and held on for her.

But I love that it is not too late.

So first, I will repent for not doing my duty as a friend. Then I will pray for her like I do myself. I know she needs a hug from God. I know she wants it. And best of all, I know God wants her too.

So until the day I read a different story from her life, my prayer shall be "Lord, show her you love her, show her she has a right to be happy, show her she is beautiful because she is your child. But most important of them all, show her she needs you"

Won't you pray for my friend with mi?? ;)

xo

Lagos - Sights and Sounds: Part 1

Adventures in a 'Keke-maruwa' 

So I went to Bible study with my mum today. On our way back, we decided to take the infamous keke home. The first one we got into broke down after about 30 seconds. The engine simply went off, no apologies, nothing.
We got down from the machine and stood at the side of the road, trying to hail another to take us home. After 3 minutes, the broken down machine started up. But rather than pick us up, the driver simply sped past us. My mother goes 'After dropping us in the middle of nowhere, you now drove off without thinking twice, hyan' lol.

Finally, after about 20 kekes had driven past, we got one going in the direction we were headed. We got in and immediately noticed it was not empty as we imagined. There was a fairly large man sitting in the other corner at the back. When the keke began moving, the driver and the man began speaking a language that was either Ghanian or Igbo (my mother and I are not in agreement here lol). So at this point I'm thinking 'ok its dark and this is Lagos. If they try anything, we can jump out at the traffic light'. We turn the corner, the man drops off and the driver picks up two more passengers - more men - and mum and I calm down.
Trust Lagos, there is traffic.
We drive a few minutes and notice these girls trying to hail a cab across from us. Our driver acts as the middle man because, well, they couldn't see the taxi guy.

Girls: To Ajah.
Driver (to girls): He said #5000. You dey go? (Are you going?)
Girls: (gesture for him to move)
Driver (to taxi guy): They no get money. (They don't have money).

We all laugh.

Driver: They wan go Ajah this night na for club now. Before e go reach Ajah today eh.... (They want to go to Ajah this night for a club. With the traffic, they won't get there early).
Mi: But a taxi to Ajah though??
Driver and other passengers: You can just take bus to Shita. Then CMS, then you get Ajah straight. (You can take a bus to Shita, then to CMS and then get another one going from CMS to Ajah). 
Mi: But they weren't dressed for bus hopping.
Driver: Eh no be to take am reach near Ajah. Then if they get a place like Shita for there, na to enter taxi N200 reach where you dey go. The people way you dey meet go see say na taxi you come with. Then runs gees fit tell the guy say the taxi na N7000. After all one girl do am to mi na. When we reach near the hotel, she tell mi say make I drop am, drop am. I talk say we never reach, na im she say she no wan make the guy see am.
(They can take the buses till they get close to Ajah. When they arrive at Ajah, if there is a place like 'Shita' close by, they can then get a taxi for N200 (Naira). The people they plan on meeting at Ajah would see them arrive in a taxi. For girls meeting their 'sugar daddies', they can simply tell him the taxi costs N7000. A girl has done it with him before. When he got close to the hotel she was going to, she asked him to drop her off so the man she was going to meet would not see her). 

lol.

We arrived at our stop and dropped off. Here is the conversation with my mum:
Mum: I was just praying as soon as we got on that keke. I thought it was only the driver, only to see the big man at the back with him.
Mi: Mi too, I was worried for a second.
Mum: I was ready to hit his head with my book (a hardcover she came with) if they tried anything.
Mi: looool mum though?? I thought we could just jump out at the stop.
Mum: Yes I figured you'd have thought of that since you were at the edge. But I was prepared to tell you not to worry because I have my weapon with mi. I was ready to knock that his head self!! I thought the plan was to take us to Shita and drive off from there. Since we weren't going to Shita, I was ready to knock him until he agreed to drop us off.
Mi: O_o looool your mind has gone a bit too far though.

And that was my evening today.

xoxo

Family Affairs

     Going 'home' is always a batch of mixed emotions. And the longer I stay, the more the sad emotions overwhelm. 

Before leaving in the beginning, I understood that I would has to sacrifice family to leave so far. With the ones I knew, it wasn't so bad. It's the ones I don't know that sort of hurt. 

Which is basically my dad's entire family line, save a few. 

    

Family issues and etc made it so we never grew up together like mum's side. So meeting them is like meeting strangers. We are all grown up with different works/paths in life. Do you know how freaking awkward it is to go see family and firs be introduced as family, then have nothing to say and get 'thanked for coming' when leaving?? Try doing all that when an 'uncle' (technically speaking) passes away. So the first time you meet the family is to say 'sorry for you-our?? loss'/nice to meet you. Of course we don't know what said uncle looked like so there's that. 

It makes sitting in the room with all that family the loneliest place on earth. 

Then there is the funny aspect of the siblings not being close, to the point that they keep calling each other to get directions to the house of the late brother. How don't siblings know where each other live?? In the same state. It's so weird. 

The entire family is weird. 

Afterwards, I'm just exhausted, have a progressing migraine, and in need to sleep. 

But there's no one to tell this all to, so of course we smile and fake it. 

Mi

And the Father will Dance....

For some reason, I recalled the song we sang in high school. Don't remember the rest of the lyrics, but I recall the tune. Not sure why I thought about it either. Been feeling rather out of sorts recently. One thing I'm grateful for is my ability to mask it all with a smile and laughter. Gosh I am an expert at faking, should get a degree.

Thats off topic though....not that there really is a topic.

So the song had to do with God dancing I think, or a father.... (well, can't be any other choice). I just read a blog post about SIDS, a friend of a friend lost her baby girl and this song popped into my head. So I went and googled the lyrics. As I thought, it is in reference to God - should have guessed since it was a chapel song - and it talks about being renewed by God's love. Talks about.... I'll just post the lyrics here:

Refrain:

And the Father will dance as on a day of joy He will exult over you and renew you by His love Verse 1: Shout for joy, all you, His people Sing aloud and exult with all your heart For Yahweh, your God is in your midst. (Refrain) Verse 2: You have no more evil to fear (2x) Do not let your hands fall limp For Yahweh, your God is in your midst. (Refrain) Verse 3: And when the time comes I will rescue the lame And when the time comes I will gather the strays And when the time comes I will be your guide I will gather you in and give you renown Among all peoples (Refrain) Final: He will renew you by His love
It probably has nothing to do with grieve or comfort, but it is what I thought about so thats how it is. I pray the souls of those little infants rest in peace, and God comforts and draws the families unto Himself. The worst tragedy a parent can go through is to bury his or her own child. The worst pain a child can go through, is to bury his or her parent before their time. I pray God's promise is fulfilled in all our lives. 
xo Mi

Random Again :)

I have no idea what I want to write, but I simply feel like writing so here I am haha. This might turn into a rant about absolutely nothing, but we'll see.

So I am currently in my parent's house. First time in 4 years. Being in the country feels more weird actually. Being here is nice, the house I mean. Its just mi, mum and dad for now, and I must say, its been a lot more peaceful than I expected.
I spend most of the time with mum - did I mention I'm driving now?? So anyway, driving mum around, experiencing the horrors of traffic in this state first hand. Horrors is really the only description.

Haven't really done much in the area of socializing. Those are know are far away and too busy (apparently, everyone grew up while I was away). Those around I'm too lazy to try to get to know (making friends is a chore....) so thats that. (Save your judging please lol).

Odd though, I do feel kind of lonely. I mean I feel like I'm missing someone or something. Not necessarily my friends, haven't seen them in ages (besides the the ones in Japan). But just....someone/something.

Moving again by the way.... super far away this time....

Actually, I think these 'lonely' thoughts began after that lady planted it in my head last time I was moving. If she hadn't asked (Don't you get lonely? Are you running away from something??) I wouldn't have had these thoughts I think....

Ok, now this is getting dark. It was meant to be random speech day lol. Time to leave it means hehe.

Cheers

xo

He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo

Japan: Last Moments

Today marks exactly a month till my departure from Japan. Japan has been my home in my heart for years, and in all sense of the word this past year. Living here this last year, has felt like being on a retreat. 

I've laughed, learned new things, discovered myself, learned to love myself and gained my confidence back.

I've learned I love living alone, but I hate eating alone. 

I've learned I think children are adorable, as long as they don't come in a mob.

To be honest, the thought of leaving scares mi. Worse than after SIU. I'm not only leaving without a firm plan in place, but the safety, seclusion and tranquility I've come to love about my home. The friends and family I've adopted. And the thought that I won't come live here again. 

But still happy to being visiting the many places lined up. 

Happy to have had all those experiences. 

And mostly happy God saw it fit to let mi experience it all. 

No Regrets. Ever. 

Vengeful

I run and run.
Faster.
Faster.
But it seems the farther I go, the closer she appears.
Mocking me.
Teasing me.
The vengeful wench.
Loving none.
Respecting none.
Fearing none.
She has the power to take.
And take she does.
Never satisfied.
Forever hungry, she takes.
She takes until there is nothing left to take.
And then she takes some more.
Laughing in my face.
Bitter.
Uncaring.
Faster.
Faster.
I run and run.

Home

If I was to honestly answer, I'd say yes. Yes, I miss home. 

I miss the people, I miss my things, my books, my life. 

They say 'home is where the heart is'. That would explain why my chest hurts. It's missing the heart. 

My heart is home. Only problem is home for mi, doesn't have one address. 

Home for mi, is where the people I love and miss are. Only problem is, they don't have the same country code. 

So it hurts. It's lonely. And sometimes like today, it makes mi want to cry. 

And the month ends....

Right now, I'd rather be mad at you than feel sad like I am. Cause being mad means I did't expect what you did, so it hurt. But being sad means somewhere in my heart I knew/suspected you would, wished you would prove mi wrong, but you didn't. It hurts even more. 

The truth is I really want to call you. I really want to hear your voice and talk to you. Well, more like listen to you talk, and seeing you happy. You're always happy, and that happiness always make mi feel better. 

But I can't. I can't because if I do, there are only two ways the inevitable conversation will go, and I hate both. Either you'd still not remember, which would hurt like hell; or you'd give some excuses that'd hurt even more. 

Did you know?? In years past, I always indirectly reminded you, for fear of you possibly forgetting. And now, the year I tried to have faith, you completely go as I feared. 

Lol. Someone seeing this may misunderstand, but oh well. I stopped caring a while back so....

Night

The month is finally over huh....was a long one.

Broken Record

There are some friends that make you feel like an addict and a begger all blended into one. 

An addict cause you feel the need to keep them in your life, you can't live without them you seem to think. Though unsaid, it's clear your more obsessed with their existence than they are yours. You try to quit them, but like a broken junkie, you keep relapsing. You try to stay away. 

'Maybe if I don't call this week, they'd notice and call mi'. Never happens. You barely make the week before you call; terrified that the silence would make you nonexistent in their lives. 

A begger because it seems you grovel for  their attention. You're ecstatic when they contact you on those rare occasions. Like Christmas came early and Santa chose you as 'Best Kid of the Year'. 

You beg them to keep in touch, all the while hating yourself slowly because you know they don't even realize what they are doing - the worst bloody aspect of the entire issue. 

Then they do something unfathomable. Like forgetting your birthday for instance. The one day you have always held dear; because no matter what, you know it is the God given day you can get your much desired fix. Your conversation with them. But they forget. 

With all the social media, you can't even find the usual excuses you make to justify their actions. 

They forget, and rather than being mad, you find yourself sad and disappointed. Mostly in yourself. It isn't a first - only before, you preempted the situation and performed damage control by reminding said person indirectly. 

Now you sit here wondering if 'friendship' is really the word to describe this dysfunctional relationship. 

You sit here, silently hoping they call - though it's been days. Cause like a love sick puppy, you'd forgive them anything as you both know in this relationship, you need them more. 

You know what I'm talking about, right?? No?? Well aren't you just the f'kn perfectly whole human?? 

Let the Little Children Come....

Most beautiful thing I've watched all day (link below). The only people on earth that deserve 100% happiness are babies in my opinion, because they alone can claim absolute innocence. They are too pure and beautiful to begin their lives tainted by the sting of abandonment. 

Definitely opening an orphanage some day. As soon as I can find a way to get an international location.... or just work for an international organization. That way, I get to help around the world, as I consider myself a citizen of earth.

Ok time for bed.... 

xo

The Drop Box (For babies)