Diamonds in the soles of her shoes.

This probably has little to do with the title technically, unless you are aware of the context and characters that inspired this post. What does it mean to have feelings for someone?? Recently, I find myself unable to tell a lot of things when it comes to emotional awareness, except the distinct fact that I don't have feelings for a person....or anyone in general at the moment.
This is more pronounced in the fact that on the flip side, I find other people's ability/experience of having feelings for another fascinating. The same way watching a science experiment occur is fascinating.
What does that feel like?? The emotional tingling I assume is there - represented in the form of physical sensations.

The lady with diamonds spent a good portion of time fighting off feelings for a guy who is being politely hurtful unintentionally. I spend the time trying to figure out how the feelings occur to begin with. What does that feel like?? How does that work?? I vaguely recall the butterflies from over a decade ago, but I wouldn't consider that 'love' like now.
They guy has more of the physical feelings, another aspect I'm not fully accustomed to either. Does that make mi asexual?? I don't think so, not by the dictionary definition that is.

Sometimes I sit and dream. Imagine and dream of what any of this would feel like. Love, lust, pain, hurt. I dream and let my imagination roam, then I put it all back in the safety box and continue my existence.

Thankful

Thankful for love, life and laughter.

Thankful for family, friends and fellowship.

Thankful for time, travel and togetherness.

Thankful for health, hope and happiness.

Thankful for belief, beauty and blessings.

Thankful for peace, privilege and positivity.

Thankful for survival, serviceability and salvation.

Thankful for grace, God and goodness.

Thankful for desires, determination and development.

Thankful for all.

And it breaks down....

When there is an inability to say the truth, because the truth comes with a fear of the found becoming lost again.
So we hold it in with cherry smiles, pretending all is well; with faces full of smiles and hearts bleeding in tears.

We hold it back, all inside, Pandora's box writhing to be opened so it's contents may be set free and let loose.
We exchange pleasantries like two semi-strangers meeting for the second time, parading on eggshells to avoid the supposed land mines a true discussion will present.

Moving from something more than friends to acquaintances to this, dropping at an alarming rate, free falling with no breaks at each stage to catch a breath and process the million dollar question: how did we get here??

Staring at the twists in the surface, no time was spared to listen to the slow and subtle crumbling of the foundations deep.
Select turns bringing a change to the surface, minor yet significant, allowing it to slip unnoticed like a still volcano before a lava outpouring.

Standing on opposite sides of a crossroad, with a crevasse in between. One feeling lost and abandoned, enhanced by the seemingly blasé attitude of the other towards their new found plight. One glancing at the other periodically as they forge ahead; the other seemingly staring everywhere but.

At an impasse the other is forced to turn; "how are you??" Joy and gladness. Taken aback, one responds. Put a smile in place.
Internally: "where are we and is this it??"

Harden not your heart....

Psalm 95 (8-11)
How long has this land rejected Him??
Founded on God, witnessing His protection, mercies.
How long has this land rejected Him??
Did the nation evoke this wrath to declare no peace or rest??
Hearts hardened, faces turned away.
Miracles of mercy rejected, ascribed to luck and man.
How long has the heart of the people been turned away for??
Do the sheep know His way?? Do they seek to know??
Or are they too busy trying to become wolves, rejecting their identity??
The creator of all things, yet hurt, heartbroken and rejected by the crème of His creation.
How long has the land rejected Him??

What I Miss.

The sound of my heart racing, echoing through the walls of my chest and up my throat; as if to make its way out and into his arms. 

The mixture of fear and anticipation, my breathing getting faster as I try to force the air trapped just outside my lungs to make its way in and prolong my living. 

The thoughts in my head, my eyes surveying, analyzing, as I try to play mind reading games without the four clovers that adorned such feelings in my childhood. 

The pleasured pain; the bittersweet mix when he hurts me, we fight, make up and fight some more, as the pain in my head from all the crying and the relief in my chest from all 'I'm sorries' radiates through my body, encasing every part, inch by inch. 

The smile on his face and the look in his eyes, when he watched me speak like the words from my lips radiate like rainbow petals in the sun, mesmerizing and captivating, coaxing a gentle protective smile from him that makes me feel warm and tingly all the way. 

What I miss; I think I miss him.