...Watashi no Hanshi...

"I think you are an emotional masochist, and because of that, I believe you sort of understand why regular masochist, some at least, do what they do." she said to me, and paused waiting for me to give her the go ahead, which I did with a smile.
"I learned this from House, the show I mean," she continued, shifting in her chair, a little nervous. Who could blame her, I wasn't helping wtih my emotionless fixed smile now was I?
"When House went off his pain pills," she continued, "the pain in his leg became unbearable. So he decided to break his pinky finger. Of course any normally functioning person would know that breaking your pinky is an unbearable pain, but it did not hurt as bad as the leg did. For a few minutes, his brain transferred the pain sensors to focus on his pinky, and he got relief from his leg."
She paused again and looked at me before she went on.
"I think that is the basic idea behind masochiesm. I mean the physical pain for them is easier to bear than what ever else they face. For you though, you don't like pain. At least not physical, and you don't want anything to show. So you get emotional pain." She smiled at me, as though she had just given me a compliment. I was a little baffled, but my smile remained unshakable.
"You do and say all sorts of things to get yourself worked up emotionally, and to make yourself sad. Because as long as you are sad, then the real pain remains masked and you get temporary relief."
She smiled sadly before she went on.
"The only time one knows you are in real pain, is when you make the mistake of inflicting a pain of greater or equal effect as the real pain. Then there is a problem. You either get a double doze of whatever it is you are trying to avoid, or you end up falling back to it as the lesser pain because the created substitute is too painful to be a sub."

I stared at her. In all her glory, no one could see her true colors. Her smile was as invented, easy to whip out and easy to put away. It was beautiful to the eyes, but painful to her heart. I did not let my gaze wonder lower, because then she decided to let the wishes come true, though that was not the case in reality. She wanted to make me 'face the problem', I on the other hand was fine as I was.
"Don't I get a 'congratulations you have done well figuring me out' or something?" she asked, pouting a little.
I chuckled as I stood up, genuinely out of amusement for the first time in a long time. I walked out of the room, leaving her behind, though I knew she was followed me to places no one else did. As expected, the smile was out once I left the privacy of our space and walked back into the world.

Yes, she knows me best, she who is also me. Atashi no Hansha...