I can't explain how the dynamics got so twisted, but here I am. I feel like a butterfly stuck in the middle of a webbed circle. There are no webs at the center where I am, but I am surrounded and trapped. It's against my nature to not be 'open my arms' and 'open minded' when dealing with family. I mean, my definition of family contradicts the 'not' in that sentence. Yet I find myself compelled and almost forced to do that. I can't laugh like I usually do, or talk like I usually do. They are family, yet they are strangers. They are strangers that are family and can be friends, yet I am asked to be wary. I am asked to 'guard their expectations'.
In relationships and feelings, my mind works black and white. I don't know how to be a 'not so friend' with someone legally described as having a blood tie to mi. Theory: If we're connected by blood, without a previous negative occurrence, we can be friends. I can tell my friends things. This theory has worked since I was a kid. Once side of the family lets my theory work. My life is a series of theories. When these are broken, I get distorted.
The theory above is broken. The other side of my family broke it.
Now, I'm distorted.
What I know, what I understand, what I have lived by, what I have processed and adapted, my theories and my codes, all broken.
Now what?
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