The Wonderer

.... It returns .... 

Like an unappeased spirit, it goes and returns. 

Taunting mi. Beckoning mi. Cajoling mi. Taunting mi. 

It watches. 

Never far away, silently mocking mi. Waiting. 

It leaves, and for a moment, the rush is back. 

I feel it in my veins. 

I can breathe. 

I am free once more to chase the high. 

The high that continues to elude mi. 

The high it lets me get close to but never attain. 

Then it returns. 

Taunts mi. Mocks mi. 

I sit in the fog and wait till it leaves once more. 

Wait till it is bored of mi once more. 

Till it is ready to move again. 

Then my peace returns and the wonderer resumes. 

I sit and wait. 

.... I sit and await the return of the fickle mistress ....

The Secret and Pandora's Box.

I can keep a secret.

I can as long as it isn't about mi. 

Then, I inevitably loose the ability to stay quiet. 

Maybe it's because secret worthy affairs occur so rarely in my life, I feel the need to share. 

Like a desperate way of saying 'hey pay attention, I'm not not special. I'm not that boring'. 

I hear myself talking. But like a broken dam, I can't shut up until it is all out. 

Of course, like clockwork, the regret begins as soon as the first word leaves my mouth. 

I want to stop.
Not everyone has to know. 

It's okay to not stand out. I
t's okay to keep somethings inside.
It's okay to have no story to tell. 

I understand this.
Truly I do.
But I don't know how to stop. 

xo

Moth of Butterfly??

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." 

- Chimamanda

In my last and final therapy session, we talked about my RED, and how, regardless of what I hear about myself, I still feel larger and bigger than what is probably reality. The first line of the statement above could not be truer with mi. Somewhere in life, at some point in time, it became ingrained in mi to believe that I needed to and should be smaller. Occupy less space. Not stand out. Not over shadow. Granted, when I was younger, my way of attaining this position stemmed from mi developing a RED. This soon morphed to include the distorted belief that my presence is also overwhelming, and needs to be more contained. Because as a girl, as a lady, I am meant to be smaller and in the background. 

Why??

I guess the answer to that will be the next step in removing mi from this twisted web of oxymorons I have been trapped in.

Culture, Religion and Psychology

I currently am a part of a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program, where models that stress individuality and the culture of a person, like the 'ADDRESSING' and 'RESPECTFUL' model, are emphasised and verbally emphasised. At the same time, I am highly, and sadly, amused at the level of judgment and prejudice that comes up, predominantly against religion, but also against a majority of cultures considered 'not first world' or 'not modernised'.

The cultural aspect I can chuck up to an overall lack of knowledge, exposure and awareness. If your knowledge about another culture is not based on first hand knowledge to a certain extent - and by that I also mean interacting with individuals from that culture - but solely on what you see in articles written by individuals that are not a part of that culture, yet you choose to insist that your view is accurate than that of a member of the culture's, because yours is 'research based', then that is a lack/personal choice to be ignorant.

The religious aspect, that I find unsettling. It seems like there is an unspoken requirement, and a general endorsement to question/remove 'God', or the idea of religious beliefs from psychology. This is different from the concept of spirituality, which is very well embraced, most especially if its in the concept of meditation et al. However, everything in connection to religion is talked about from a judgmental stand point, and I sit listening both baffled and saddened. How and why is having faith in God a negative factor to mental health?? Why and how is being able to recognise that while there are problems associated with psychology, there are also issues that are spiritual in nature something that makes you 'superstitious' and therefore, 'not realistic'?? The message I get here is you can be a psychologist or have a religion, but you cannot be/have both. Laughing at the idea of 'exorcism', and chucking it up to 'superstition', can we still say its a self-acclaimed culturally diverse program??

And I do recognise that since I am trying to be as de-identifying as possible, some of my statements might sound judgmental and off base, but for those who know the background of where this is coming from, it might make sense and be kinda on base.

Ok, end of rant.

xo

Existential crises??

For the past few days, I've been feeling off. It's been feeling as though I don't know what I'm doing all this for anymore. Not quite that either. 

My BFF said its cause I get super invested into things I'm interested in, and then I get bored and want to move on cause I can no longer get the 'high'/ pleasure I envisioned. Which is a fact. 

Only this time, I got invested in a 5yr contract thing. Now, I'm stuck. 

It's not that I don't want to finish the program. It's that I want to get that rush of passion again, but can't even for something else cause I don't have time. I'm constantly thinking, what have I been doing with my life?? Any toast in my name will be quite academic only. That is very, very disappointing to think of. There is also the fact that the debits to my account have been increasing, and I can't really see the returns. Not earning my own, still living as a dependent, it's hard to not wonder if it's worth it. 

So here I am, sitting in the dark of my own house and wondering, what's next?? 

Companions vs Friends

'In America, what we mostly have are companions....a friend is someone you can call at 2am and not feel guilty; someone you can turn to when something goes wrong....'

Finally, it clicked. 

Being in Cali for over a year, I've struggled with this. I could not understand what was wrong, or why the idea of friendship I grew up knowing, wasn't making sense here. I spoke to my therapist a number of times about this. Telling her everyone I meet makes mi feel lonely because they don't feel like friends. Her response has always been, 'well there are different kinds of friends. You have friends you do your nails with; friends you study with.,,,' but that explanation never made sense to mi. Why are there different types of friends when there is only one definition?? Why have I never encountered this before now after all these years?? 

Because for the first time, I am finally experiencing America. They say Cali is the 'real' America; because it embraces the real culture of the country. Being an individual; looking out for the 'self'; having boundaries; land of the free. 

Rather than lonely, this realization made mi both relieved and sad. Relieved because I can finally accept 'it's not mi'. Sad because this is it. 

My friend once told mi 'if you stay here too long, you'll loose yourself'. So the battle against that is on. 

I came to the realization a while back. But having a term for all this....I have many companions here, friends however....

to be continued....

Facing Fears: Paddle Boarding + 100 Days Rekindled

Today, I went paddle boarding.
For those who don't know, that is basically kayaking on a surf board.
For those who know mi, you reaction right now is very appropriate: Really?? Where?? Are you kidding?? On the ocean??
Yup.
I didn't know what it was when I signed up (note to self, always ask before you say 'yes'). For some reason, I assumed it would be some version of kayaking, and on a lake.
Needless to say, it was a scary experience.
The moment we arrived at the harbour, I kept asking myself 'why'. I spent a lot of time praying and begging God (for what, I can't tell you right now).
Looking back now, I can see how and why people will and do enjoy the sport. If you are one for the ocean, it is pretty calm, a version of free falling if you will, if you let the gentle waves take you and your board calmly. Unfortunately and sadly I think, I was too scared and focused on my fear to enjoy the experience.
I did well, in the sense that I didn't fall, and I paddled out and about for an hour fifteen minutes total. But unlike my friends whom I went with, it felt more like P.E homework or a dare (where the alternative was much worse) than a fun activity. I was focused on getting there and getting back.
I did learn that I have a lot more phobias and restrictions than I thought I did. Makes me feel high maintenance, which I've spent a majority of the day struggling to convince myself that that doesn't denote a 'bad' thing.
Added to that, is the 'complaining' factor. Because I was terrified, I spent a lot of time talking about my fears and concerns. Apparently, at one point, it started to come off as mi saying my fears were more important to others (not once did that thought cross my mind), to which, at one point, a friend sarcastically commented saying 'yes you're fears are more important than others'. That was never my intention - making anyone think that way. But then I also realised, maybe I have gotten too comfortable/'trusting'. Complaining to anyone usually meant I have known said person for years, and I am at the point where regardless of how I phrase things, I have a higher chance of not getting misunderstood because he/she understands mi that well. I don't think I can successfully convince myself that being high maintenance and complaining a lot don't denote 'bad' things. So I've decided to rekindle the 100 days.
In general, the day was quite exhausting - physically and emotionally. I intentionally put myself in a terrifying position, and no, I was not comfortable. But I am glad I was able to complete it successfully.
Would I do it again, very very doubtful. Maybe in a lake lol.
xo

New House :)

I forgot to write this when I moved, but I finally moved!!
It has been two weeks, and I love it....almost to a fault. Having my own place, with my own decor and level of cleanliness feels amazing. A part of mi already wishes I had gotten a one bedroom, or could afford to keep the 2 bedroom alone, but that is only because it allows mi to isolate/hibernate on my own. It allows mi to have my own world outside of humans. But I know and understand this isn't good for mi....in the long run. lol. I already have to make myself leave the house daily as opposed to stay home and in bed.
People can be exhausting lol.
But yea, moved, love it and almost finally unpacked.

xo

Fairytales: The Ballad of Lovers

She looks over at him, and he turns to her with a knowing smile.
He looks over at her, and she turns to him with a knowing smile.
The breath in him is the reason she breathes.
The breath in her is the reason he breathes.
Suffocating together.
Suffocating apart.
Suffocating.
Suffocating.

He touches her hand lightly, and she hears the words in his soul.
She touches his hand lightly, and he hears the words in her soul.
The words from his lips are the reason she moves.
The words from her lips are the reason he moves.
Paralysing together.
Paralysed apart.
Paralysing.
Paralysed.

They hold each other and watch as the sun rises, life feels complete.
They hold each other and watch the stars fall, forever now complete.
Picture perfect, like they dreamed, yet so fragile.
People's envy, like they do hear, yet so fragile.
Secluded together.
Secluded apart.
Secluded.
Secluded.

To stand and stare at their love from the outside, breath taking.
To stand and stare at their love from the outside, terrifying.
Their love's existence, inviting.
Their love's existence, acting.
Reality or fantasy.
Fantasy or reality.
Real fantasy.
Real fantasy.

Lost

I'm unhappy.
This is something I can actually admit.
Even though I smile and laugh with people around, I truly feel unhappy inside.
I can't for the life of mi tell why.
Sure there are things I want, everyone has those.
But nothing so serious that I need to be sad about.
I fight feelings of loneliness, yet I'm surrounded by many.
I fight feelings of failure, yet I know I am not close to one.
I wake up almost daily with a feeling that something vital, something important is missing.
Something so important I feel lost without it.
Maybe it's because there is so much i want to do, yet I feel trapped.
Trapped.
That caged feeling is slowly creeping back in.
I want to free fall.
I want to be un-trapped. Unlocked. Found.
I'm so tired of this back and forth.
Almost feels like this was this wrong place....