Unwanted Birthday Wishes

Funny, I’ve been fine all year and then suddenly realising I am not invited to celebrate his birthday is the one thing that hurts haha. 

I guess birthdays are my fav holiday after all. 

There is something about wishing someone a happy birthday, from the bottom of your heart. Something about being able to celebrate another year, another chance. It's okay if you never celebrate before. It's hurtful when you cannot celebrate again. Feels worse than when you loose a person to death. With death, it is okay to celebrate. With life, you are actively avoided. 

Anyway, it's okay for mi to say Happy Birthday here. You were once, at the very least, a companion. Hope this day and year brings you all that you wish for. 

....Lead Mi To The Cross....

I want to come to a place where He is my best friend. My go to. My source or solace. My rock. The one I turn to in distress, in times of need, in fear, in joy, in laughter, in pain, in all things. 

I want to come to a place where His voice is what I hear before I make a decision in life, major or minor. Before I take a step, life changing or no. Before I do anything. 

I want to come to a place where I know Him, and still desire to know him more. Where I long to read His word. Where I thirst and hunger to commune with him and dwell in his presence. 

I want to come to a place where I can call him Father and truly see His work as my heavenly Father in mi. Where I know He will guide my path in love, and I know and am willing to let him. 

I want to come to a place where I believe that His thoughts and plans towards mi are for good and not for evil, to bring mi to an expected end. Where I understand these words. Where I am able to honestly believe and let go with faith. 

I want to come to a place where I can honestly stand proud and call myself his child, without the lingering feeling of guilt and shame. Where I can have an answer to the statement, 'tell me your testimony....'

....Love(d)....

Why is love for you always in the past tense?? 

"I loved him then...."

"He loved me...."

"We loved each other...."

Why is love for you always unsure, hesitant?? 

"....probably...."

"....maybe...."

"....sort of...."

What are you afraid of?? 

"Nothing we say to each other is a lie. I just lie to myself about that fact."

Love....no 'd'....can you sit with that feeling?? 

....Stages Again....

I don't know if I am more hurt than angry.
I don't know if I am angrier than hurt.
I don't know if either of these two emotions accurately describes how I feel.
Is it anger I sense?? Is it shame?? Is it guilt?? Or is it just my pride leading mi to think that way??
The silence makes mi feel like I'm the problem. Makes mi feel unclean, unwelcome, an outsider.
A part of the disease, cancerous.... a sin.... the past.

I know people move on, I know people change.
I know letting go and cutting out, pruning, is a step necessary for change.
Have I been pruned??
Did I get categorised as weed and so therefore weeded out??
Is it easier, healthier for you to not have mi around??
How am I the one whose trust was broken, the one who gets tossed out??
Or was that last strike a test to see if I would deny you, and by default, not be an Achilles heel??

I don't know if I'm more hurt than angry.
I don't know if I'm angrier than hurt.
I do know I hate this not knowing.
I do know I hate this feeling.
I do know I hate this silence.
I do know I'm starting to hate....

Are You Listening?

The smile on my face is fixed,
like the ache in my chest at the sound of your voice,
or the lack of it thereof.
The words in my head are rehearsed,
like the lyrics to the ballad that signifies our song,
or the lack of it thereof.
The anger in my heart is tormenting,
like the fierceness of a raging-calm sea,
or the lack of it thereof.

We make no sense, I know.
Everyone is so keen on mentioning it.
But this nonsensical us, I miss.
We have no order, I know.
Everyone is keen on mentioning it.
But this random us, I miss.
We are in a constant tango, I know.
Everyone is keen on mentioning it.
But this dance, and now, the lack of it thereof,
I miss.

I Fell In Love With Your Soul

I fell in love with your soul....oh how I loved it.
A love so strong, it made us whole.
The boldness, the sincerity, the clarity, the warmth.
The uniqueness of your heart, that loved all, unconditionally.
The openness of your smile, that embraced all it came upon.

I fell in love with your  soul....and then I crushed it.
The boldness, the sincerity, the clarity, the warmth.
The unconditional love, the all-encompassing smile.
My insecurities could not trust you.
My past experiences, judged your love for the world skeptically.

I fell in love with your soul....and the world lost it.
A love so strong, now jaded and limited.
Timid, pretentious, sly and vaguely warm.
Your once unique heart, now guarded with walls, locks and keys.
Your once open smile, now selectively shown with purity.

I fell in love with your soul.... and then I caged it.
I stole it, locked it and threw the key in my heart's cage.
Because I must protect all I love.
Safe, secure and away from the lustful clutches of the world.

Mi, You over Tea

It's weird. People haven't changed.

"And yet you're still trying to find yourself."

That supports my statement. People haven't changed. 

"You've been searching and still are. I wonder though...."

Yes, I know. I know what you want to say and ask. 

I know. And the answer is, I don't know. 

I honestly don't know. 

"What's wrong??"

I want to stop. I want to be okay now. 

"You want to change then??"

Yea I guess. But I don't know how. 

"What happens if you just let go??"

....

"I know. I've asked this before."

....

"Same as last time I see."

You make it sound so easy. I don't know how to let go.

"Embrace the fears."

And if I fall??

"That's one of the fears."

....

"Besides, how bad can the fall be??" 

I don't know. That's why I'm afraid. 

"Embrace the fears."

Will you be there?? Will you be there with me??

"For as long as I'm needed."

That answer troubles mi. 

"I won't abandon you. Ever. But I do hope you need mi less. At least for things like this."

I don't know....

"Start small....and if that small falls, move to another small."

Ok. So who am I now kind of small??

"Smaller."

Hobbies??

"Sure. Let's do that."

....

"26 sounds like a fab year...."

10/12(2): Our Angels

10 years have gone by, but the memories remain. 

Echoes of the laughters, whispers of the smiles. 

Thoughts of the tears, glimpses of the emotions we shared together. 

10 years have gone by, but the ache still remains. 

Sometimes more gnawing than the last. 

Sometimes faint, like the hint of an old wound now numb. 

10 years have gone by, yet the love remains. 

Glowing in the midst of all the turmoil of emotions.  

Like a beacon, guiding our path as we proceed forward. 

10 years have gone by, and still we remember. 

The good times, the bad times, the ugly times. 

The make ups, the break ups and the stand stills. 

10 years, and in his arms you have remained and will continue to remain. 

10 years asleep.

10 years at rest. 

10 years with our Lord, sleep well our angels. 

Sleep well. 

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2015:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

10/12 (1): 10 Years in the Future

Every year on Dec 10th, I write a tribute to the 60 angels, and to the other precious souls who lost their lives on Dec 10th 2005 in the Sosoliso plane crash. Every year, I talk about what I remember them as, what I hope for, what I feel, what I think about them.... Every year, I am filled with a number of emotions, mostly melancholic, sometimes bitter-sweet. Now, my bitter-sweet brew also has a dash of anger, or is it deep rooted sorrow?? I can't quite place the emotion.

See, my best friend, one of the only two survivors of that plane crash, returned to the country for the first time in 10 years. She arrived at the airport and sent pictures. At first, I wasn't sure of what I was looking at. I didn't read the message she had sent along with the pictures, so I proceeded to ask her what she was doing around abandoned buildings and tents. She then responds telling me that was the international airport. The pictures I was looking at, were not pictures of random places in town, but of parts of a country's international airport.

I'm not sure if my sadness right now surpasses my anger, or where the line between the two is drawn. I'm not even sure if there is a line any more. My heart breaks as I think and try to convince myself that there is still a chance for a change to occur, even as the country continues to rotate within the circle it has continued to spin in since its formation....

I'm not sure how I feel or what it is I want to say, so I will leave this train of thought incomplete.

....To be continued....

xo

Free Falling in a Cage.

Act 1: #Snap
So she met a guy at a lounge a few weeks back. He is funny, interesting, and a great conversationalist. He has goals he wishes to achieve and a game plan to get there. All round, a pretty awesome guy.
He is however different on several, albeit, very important factors, religion not excluded. Sex is off the table for her (for multiple reasons). Sex is very much on the table for him. And while he says he doesn't mind just hanging around and making out, it's difficult for her to not feel bad getting him started and not following through. Not bad enough that she would compromise her values (which he, ironically, respects), but bad enough that she doesn't want to continue. Which brings about a dilemma.
See, he is emotionally unavailable. Which, curiously enough to strangers, makes him safe and completely perfect. Because emotionally unavailable means he isn't looking for a relationship or anything that requires her to feel more, get an anxiety attack, or face her inner daemons.
But then there is her morality and religious stance. Her shackles if you will, which negates any form of 'free fun' usually characteristic of someone who is more comfortable with a guy who is emotionally unavailable.
So ideally, she is stuck in between both worlds.

Act 2: #Snap
She mentally goes through her friends list. People she talks to about all this. She finds the one person she absolutely wants to share this with, and brainstorm with. The one person she thinks would understand her. But then she is faced with two problems. That person is long gone, and the one who took his place is so wrapped up in his own life issues, he has no place for her. That person isn't in the frame of mind to laugh with her, listen to her, talk to her or be there with her.
The replacement of the person she lost, even if he didn't have all the current issues to deal with, would not have the right responses. There is something missing, something different. Feels like the ghost or shell of the friend she had is presently occupied by this new and evolved being she doesn't recognise.
Sometimes she thinks, did she imagine him?? Did she put him up on a pedestal, like we know she is prone to doing, and when he fell off, it felt like she was meeting a new person for the first time; but this 'new person' is in fact who he really is and has always been, rather than the pedestal dweller she created? (run-on sentence, I know).

She is grateful she will be out of town for a month. She hopes that in that time, the completely safe and perfect guy would move on and have a more willing and appropriate dial-up buddy. This way, she can avoid the confrontational meeting that looms in the silence. The one that will inevitably project her as an overly emotional person, over thinking situations and trying to force him into something. Hilarious using the words 'overly emotional' to describe her.

Cause wouldn't it be just perfect that she, ever fearful of emotions, turns him, emotionally unavailable, suddenly wanting to pursue something with her.

I shudder to think of that version of reality.

xo