What Does it Mean??

'Darlyn', 'Sweetheart', 'Lovely', 'Dear'.... every time members of my high school meet each other, these terms of endearment are thrown out, among many others; accompanied by the 'oh my gosh I've missed you' sentence. This is regardless of the relationship said individuals had in the past, which is what bewilders mi.

"Hey dear, oh my gosh I can't believe it's been so long, how have you been?" But the truth is I can believe it has been this long. Mostly because I have actively invested some effort to make it so. I took proactive steps to avoid searching for you on social media, making myself easily findable, going to events you are likely to show up at, etc, to avoid having to deal with you again. Because when I saw you constantly, the experience was not positive for mi. Why then am I required to produce, amidst huge grins, excitement and outstretched arms, a sentence synonymous to the one above, conveying feelings I did not feel, currently do not feel and probably will not be feeling in the future, simply because we went to school together in the past??

Frenemies??

This is in no way mi advocating for grudge holding, or directed at anyone in particular. Just a curious observation. Why can't I ignore you if I choose to, by virtue of  our history and not have our roles switch - with mi becoming the bad one??

Tired, maybe I'm currently delirious.

xoxo

Mi

Where Psychology Meets God

Recently I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Quite the uncomfortable place to be to be honest. Seeing things in yourself you abhor or hate in others. Being mi, my instant reaction is to judge myself cause that's what I do others. So I become a 'bad' person and not a 'good person' anymore. Why humans have to be either bad or good, versus human, is something I'm trying to grasp too. Being judgmental is what I don't like. I am of others and self. So i hold people to a standard I deem is the best (mostly based on my religious and cultural beliefs). And when they fail, I judge. But then I know that is bad and so I judge myself for doing that. And I think others see mi the same way. A vicious circle. Where I get off thinking I can judge others is beyond mi. 

But I guess psychology meets God here. You identify the problem psychologically, then you hand it over to God to help you solve. At least this is what I'm going to do. Cause I can't think of how else to change. 

For now, I have to keep reminding myself I am not a bad person. Cause that's the hardest part. Oh and not care what others think. 

I wonder....

I wonder if I will have two kids, a son and a daughter, like my parents do.
I wonder if my daughter will be able to get all from her daddy, like I can with mine.
I wonder if my son will treat mi like his 'baby', like my brother does with our mum.
I wonder if my kids will think I'm fragile, like my brother and I do of our mum.
I wonder if my kids will pray their parents grow old, retire and live comfortably, like I do for mine.

I wonder if I will marry a man who loves me fervently, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who does all to meet my needs, like my mother did.
I wonder if I will marry a man who respects my mind, body and soul, like my mother did.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am God-sent, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry will think I am a wonderful wife-mother, like my father does my mum.
I wonder if the man I marry and I will build a God fearing home, like my father and mother did.

These are the things I wonder, as I sit and imagine, close my eyes and day dream.

xo

Mi

Everything and Nothing.

I don't understand why this feeling keeps coming back. Overwhelmed. Trapped. Drowning. Alone. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy. I'm constantly tired. The thought of everything exhausts mi. I have to face it all alone, and the idea is daunting and exhausting. I'm constantly irritated by people around mi. Not for nothing, but at the same time, not for reasons I would have been so gravely offended by in the past. The stress inducer is the idea that I am alone.
I feel friendless.
Which is an odd thing to say, considering the fact that I am constantly around people daily. On the weekends, I'm by myself. Mostly by choice because the only people I know, are the people I see every other day. It is most straining to have the same population of about 50 individuals to make friends, acquaintances, classmates, confidants, etc. It is also harder when it appears that you alone have that set pool. Everyone else has a much broader pool, as should be the case, and thus, would be with a different group of people on the weekend - breathe of fresh air. Bearing that in mind, I cannot, in good sense, call or text anyone to do anything over the weekend (adding the fact that I have next to nothing in common with 95% of said population).
Then home is a prison cell. Living with one of said 50, but under rules designated by someone else. I can't be myself in public because (given my field and location) I have to be politically correct, keep up an appearance, etc. I can't be myself at home for the same reasons, and I am even more uncomfortable with the person due to mixed emotions about said being.
Trapped.
Everywhere I go, it feels like I'm just running around inside a maze, inside a cage.
Tired.
Running around with no end in sight and no help in perspective is exhausting.
I just want to sleep and forget it all. Every time. Which gets mi in trouble cause I end up falling asleep in class. Plus sleeping at night is even more exhausting. I fall unconscious and then I am conscious. There is no rest, no recuperation, none of the characteristics of sleep. The longer I sleep, the more exhausted I become. So 4hrs a night allows mi to concentrate at least through one class, versus 6+ and I struggle with sleep in every class I go to.
Alone. Friendless.
When I think about it, I never really learned to make friends. After the 'ordeal', I made friends vicariously through my best friend. Her friends were my friends. She had vetted them as okay to be friends with, I didn't have to introduce myself/do any ice breakers, and I was accepted because I was her friend. Made finding things in common, talking about myself and all that jazz unnecessary. When I did make friends outside of her, they were either Japanese or spoke to mi first.
I'm just tired.
Right now, I'm trying really hard to not let my diet, at the very least, fall off. I can't even begin to deal with the stress of relapsing and having to start over or cope with the guilt and etc that comes from it.

I miss my one bedroom apartment in Kanasugi.
I miss Japan.
I'm just tired.

xo

If Tomorrow Never Comes....

"I'll call you tomorrow", he said. 

"I'll see you tomorrow", she said. 

"I'll be there tomorrow", he said. 

"I'll love you tomorrow", she said.

"I'll love you tomorrow", she said. 

But she's with another today. 

But she's smiling for another today. 

But she's in a dress for another today. 

But she loves another today. 

And tomorrow never comes. 

Blossoms Blooming....

Everyday, I feel a strong sense of emotion. Each day, the location I find myself, on the spectrum ranging from intense sadness to ecstatic, varies. Sometimes, I feel my chest is heavy, and I’m about to burst with excitement and happiness.  I can’t explain why. 

Other times, I am so tired and sad. Not depressed, but unhappy. Again, I can’t explain what I am unhappy about or why. 

I do know it feels like its in relation to someone else. Feels like I am happy for that person or sad for said person. Odd, cause there is no one in my life with that amount of impact on mi. 

In other news, I’m back in school. There is a distinct difference between this quarter and last quarter for mi. Almost as though I am meeting a lot of people for the first time, and seeing a lot of others through a different set of lenses.

For one thing, I’ve withdrawn from a number of people. Both intentionally and unintentionally, but I am fine with it. It’s been less emotionally stressful. I admit, trying to stand on my own and not depending on others as much as I used to, trying to understand and work out the concept of working on my own, going places on my own, etc, though difficult, is something I’ve learned that I need to learn and practice doing things on my own. 

Another thing is I’ve accepted that I have few interests with most of the people around me, and they are closer to each other (than to mi) because they have more in common/more to bond with. This is also okay. This doesn’t mean my friends (the ones left) don’t like mi or aren’t my friends. It’s just a fact. The like football for instance, or health related talks, article readings, or things related to LGBT, etc. and I am not interested in most or all of those things. Which is also okay. 

I have also learned, albeit the hard way, that you can’t ‘make friends’. You become friends with people - either by chance, accident, match making, etc. You can’t make yourself friends with someone or create a friendship. As a result, not everyone would be friends with you, you won’t be friends with everyone, not everyone you want to be friends with will want to be friends with you and you won’t want to become friends with everyone who wants to be friends with you. And the most important thing is, all of that is okay. 

Finally, I made an appointment to begin my 16hrs. Should be interesting considering the fact that I just picked her for her price rather than anything else….

So hello Winter quarter, lets see how you turn out :) 

xo

Mi

The Case of Xavier: #trippn4lucifer

8 years ago some guy crashed into my life. Sept 22nd 2007 to be precise, and disappeared Jan 3rd. I don't recall if it was the 3rd in 2008 or 2009. We shared a birthday, or so he said, and that makes it kind of hard to forget. 

I say crashed and disappeared cause thats essentially what happened. Till now, I still feel Xavier, I won't use his real name (if that indeed was), was a figment of my imagination/an elaborate prank by my friend. 

Why?? 

Because I never met him. Never spoke to him on the phone. And when he disappeared, the only form of contact I had with him, emails, did not exist as a yahoo account. Aside from the emails I did not delete from him, it's hard to tell someone this story ever took place in reality. 

How did we begin??

I don't remember the exact words, but I got a yahoo messenger IM from an email account called 'trippn4lucifer'. I didn't know anyone with this user name, or by the name he introduced himself as (initially) - Xavier Baker. But this person seemed to know some things about mi. We started a guessing game, which quickly escalated into mi getting mad cause I realized it wasn't someone I knew, figuring out he stole my email address from a friend, and finally succumbing to his pleas to be friends. 

This was a while back, so I can't claim to recall all the details. I know we would chat for hours sometimes about nothing in particular. I know I spent a majority of time getting angry at him, but I can't ever remember why. I never saw his face or heard his voice, and the names he gave me were quite unbelievable to mi.

The one thing Xavier told mi was that he was terminally ill. He lived in the hospital most of his life. At 19, he had spent most of his life waiting to die. I remember this cause I came across an email I sent to him, mad at him for saying he was waiting to die. He never said what illness it was. The secrets with this kid were so many. And don't get mi started on his family situation. At this point, I don't mention it out loud because I started to believe watching a lot of movies over the years got my memories muddled up - that is how ludicrous the story is. 

On January 3rd, my birthday, I got a call telling mi Xavier was dead. He apparently decided to donate a kidney for his dad. His father made it through, but Xavier didn't. I checked my email and saw that he had sent mi a message a few days before, telling mi/asking mi if the surgery was a good idea. Then deciding to do it and saying he was 'sorry if he didn't come back' or something to that effect. I tried sending a message back, because naturally, I didn't want to believe this ghost friend I had was gone. In response, I got a 'mail delivery failure' from Yahoo. 

My relationship with Xavier was, for lack of a better word, warped. There was no opening, no middle point, no climax and no closure. It feels like something that happened and didn't happen at the same time. Half the time I am convinced I imagined it all, then I am convinced my friends pulled a fast one on mi. Then I am sure, also backed by the intriguing details of his family, that he was erased, as opposed to died. Sometimes I think I will run into him in life - which is a scary thought because there is a chance that he would know what I look like, but I definitely would not know what he looks like. 

He told mi, many times after we hadn't talked in a bit, that he knew I missed him, even though I never would, could or planned on admitting it to himself, myself or anyone else. What I find curious however, is that years latter, maybe beginning in 2011, I did find myself missing this ghost character. I can't tell you the first thing about this person - not his name for instance, or, with 100% accuracy, that he is a guy. But still every year, on this day, I remember X.B, E.M (the first letter of the names I knew him by), the silly kid who sat at her desk chatting away silly, and I say a happy birthday to both of us - if indeed it is his birthday. 

xo 

Where hearts have crossed

A star has fallen

To give rise to a new season

Where lips have touched

A spark is arisen

With every doubt cascading

Where love is lost

A flame flickers out

In hope of another tomorrow

Where bliss is attained

A new life awaits

Where two make a vow

Where for worse, poorer, or in sickness

"till death..." keeps the promise................

                                   - sent by Xavier Baker (2007)

Suddenly, I don't want to go back to Cali. I was excited about going back, resettling in, etc. Then I saw something I wasn't mentally prepared for. At least I didn't know I wasn't till it happened. 

But I have to go back. Just have to make peace with it. More like I've made my peace, I just need to breathe and not let go again. 

xoxo

Mi

2015 Resolutions

I'm not one for resolutions. At least not public declarations. But I felt this year, I should do something different for a change. Plus making them public means I have to follow through (more so than when I don't). So here are my resolutions. 

1. Get healthy. I usually say 'loose weight' or 'work out'. But I have learned, and come to the acceptance that I just need to be healthy. I need to stop dieting and just fix how I eat (including eating period). I also need to get into a work out regime. 

2. Publish. I've started so many books, finished one and I'm still too terrified to let someone outside friends and family read it. But this year, I want to publish two of them. The finished one and a second non-related one. 

3. Get with God. I'm still not sure what this means, which I think is why I've had this on my resolutions for a while still not sure what to do with it. But this year, I'd let God lead. 

4. Learn Korean better. I understand more than I speak. It's harder, I admit, since I don't have Korean friends which helped with Japanese. But I think I need to be more serious with it like I was with Japanese. 

5. Find a dream. Yes I am studying psychology. Yes I want to become a doctor. But I don't know if my wanting to work with an international organization and my current life path are in line. Plus I need to become more proactive. Like volunteer, or gain an interest in something. 

6. Communicate. A friend, who is becoming a close friend, said I am passive aggressive. I have to admit, I am. I didn't have a term for it or know this till he pointed it out, but I am. And I don't like this. So, I'm going to learn/force myself to break out of that. 

7. My hair. I'm quite tired of it not growing. So ya, I'm going to treat it and take care of it so it grows. 

8. Read more. This it tied to 5. As much as I claim to love psychology, I don't have much of an interest in reading articles or writings on psychology. Which makes mi wonder if I should have stuck with my masters rather than this path I'm on. So I need to make myself read more. Or get some interest in reading. 

9. Talk to God. More. 

10. Love mi. This is the hardest of them all, but I think I've been working on this for a while and though I've moved from where I once was, I'm still not where I need to be. 

So those are my 10 resolutions for this year. See you on the 31st by God's grace. 

xoxo

Mi

It's Okay, That's Love (K-Drama)

It's been a while since I've watched a drama series that blew mi away like this did. Secret Garden, I thought nothing could top, but Jo In Sung shii's performance in this drama completely floored me. From start till end, everything about his performance was beautiful. I wish I could write him a letter to tell him how awesome his acting was. Be it the switch in emotions, the portrayal of the disease, his ability to make you empathize, empathize and embrace the character was spectacular. 

Gong Hyo Jin shii was beautiful as always. I loved her in Master's son, but she dazzled here as well. I want to be like Ji Hye Soo when I grow up. She was a beautiful doctor. She found the line between business and personal, and walked it awesomely. Of course there were some ethical affairs in that he probably should have been sent to another hospital, but at the same time, I think no one but Hye Soo could have pulled off the treatment that Jang Jae Yeol (Jo In Sung's character) needed. And Hyo Jin shii was the perfect actress for the role. I didn't appreciate her wardrobe, but I got over it with the amazing acting. 

IOTL got mi believing in all sorts of things - miracles, soul mates, friends, love, relationships, etc. again. Off to go find other things my new found oppas and unnis have been in to watch. 
KDrama creates a fairytale life for mi, I'm afraid I'd keep running from reality at this rate.