Love/hate

I want to cry so hard right now,
but the tears won't fall.
I want to laugh so hard right now,
but the emotions wont blend.
Is it so bad that I hate and love them at the same time?
Is it so bad that they do not know that I feel this way?

I know whatever I do, it would always be them then mi.
I know no matter how hard I try to get gone,
I would never be able to forget that fact.
Is it so bad that I wish to be them for a second at least?
Is it so bad that I don't like them much when they don't like themselves?

I step out and watch it try to move,
And that has been, till date, the one thing that has made mi want to puke.
It is hard for mi to get nauseous, so when I do, it is serious.
i do for it, so I think it is serious.
We pretty fucked up aint we?

I made a promise to mi,
But then when you do that, it is kinda hard to tell fake from reality.
Of course not with mi,
I mean we have established that fact right?

I got shit for last night,
Probably gonna get some more for tonight.
But right now I don't care,
Life seems short and I think a buzz makes it better still.

Its sad that I have fallen into the habit of making boys my 'brother material',
Even sadder that I don't know how to undo that.
But I think later on I would see the silver lining in all of this,
But for now, sad is all I can be.

My ex wrote a poem about 'love being dead'.
It seemed he only realized that now, poor thing.
I wanted to ask him where he had been all this while,
When Love took the high road and never looked back.

But then I keep thinking, 'did I do that to him?'
But that would be too ambitious of mi right?
So I pray and hope some other girls did that,
So I don't add to my list of 'Hate mi' reasons.

Now I am off to bed for the day,
With no boy at hand or in mind, I am fine this way.
Some think I am too scared to admit liking some guys,
Others claim I am in denial.

I think a little bit of both and more would do.
I might want a guy,
But previous expirience makes it hard for mi to believe he wants mi too,
And even harder to believe he wants mi first...

But like I said, I am pretty fucked up tonight.
Had too much to drink and much more to say that I think I would regret in the morning.
But now that I am sobering up and I look back,
I think I had fun.

Sure I said some shit I would rather have kept with mi,
Sure I did somethings I would not have done as just mi,
But all in all, I think I was good.
And I think, no matter what others would say, tonight was a good night.

I do hate them both a lot,
I do not enjoy the nights after I go out with them,
But the times I do,
I try not to think about it too much, and in the end, the night is always a good night...