Calm Waters Again

I can honestly say it has been a while since I have had a month or period as turbulent as this. I am also honestly glad the storm has come and gone. I felt the love of God through it all. And I felt the importance of friends and my best friend as well.
I don't think I've prayed....more like begged God as much as I did in the last week. My friend saw mi today and said 'that's the calmest I've seen you in a week'. lol.
For those who have been following and wondering what the heck has been going on, I'd try to give a brief summary.
Being the over zealous introvert that I am, I over exerted my energy supply and introverty self and over socialized. Without a way of recharging, I was left mentally weak and vulnerable to my thoughts - a very bad place to be in. I began over thinking and analyzing relationships, and without the chance to step back like I usually do, and assess things from an objective point, I succeeded in opening up a number of pandora boxes filled with old wounds. Needless to say, it became a speedy spiral down from there.
I knew I was falling, and I knew I was getting out of control. But there was so much going on through my mind that I couldn't find anything to grasp on to and try to solve logically and practically. And the more I spiraled, the more boxes opened and the weaker I got. Till eventually, I shut down and tried to become robotic and doll like, so I didn't have to feel as much. It got mi out of bed and moving, but not much else. At night I cried and prayed, in the day I feigned.
I finally talked to my best friend. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew the history behind the content of those boxes, and did not need mi to explain anything because I was not in a frame of mind that could explain. She was able to sort out the box for mi, and then she pointed out a practical aspect of the mess I could solve. This way, my focus was redirected from all the chaos in my mind, and I was able to focus on the problem I could fix or find a solution to in the moment - which has been my functioning strategy all this while. With my focus redirected, I was able to close the boxes, regain control of my thoughts and free myself from the fall.
I choose to believe this was God's way of helping mi identify the issues that I have been avoiding, but then Him also putting them all back in their boxes because He knows what I can handle and when - He never gives us more than we can handle. He saw that I was only strong enough to identify the problems at this time, but trying to work at it all or loosing my sense of practicality was not the thing to do in the moment. And so he brought her to help and used her to save mi from myself in answers to my prayer.
What next??
We agreed that yes it was time for mi to see what was in some of those boxes, but not time for mi to be shattered and remolded. It has been a scary and stressful few weeks. I wrestled with myself and almost lost. I understand that I would eventually have to face my daemons, but I do also understand that when I do, it would not be all at once and I would never be alone. At the very least, He will be with mi, and so would she. Thats more comfort that anything.
I am still being cautious, understanding that I am still in a vulnerable state. But I recognize that life is back in mi and the doll is gone. I am grateful for the cleared fog.
xo

Dear Diary: Fin

I actually almost cried writing this....lol. Emotional due to lack of sleep maybe?? haha. 

I know I was his first love.

Its funny though, all this realization happening years later. 

Until recently, I had forgotten what it really meant. 

People say when it happens, it happens and etc. I'm like, what? 

Laughing now as I recall, cause all the 'they says' about love are true.

I remember the first time we met. Sometime between 8pm and 9pm. Not too close to 9 cause there would have been more people out. But not before 8 because there would have been more adults out. I don't remember the actual time though, cause I didn't have a watch on. I wanted some water, and he was coming down for something too. We didn't say a word to each other, just smiled and kept on with our business. 

The next day we met once more, at the same place, between 8 and 9pm. This time, we had some silly conversation about the water and being out at that time and getting in trouble. After that, we met everyday, like clock work. I told my friends about this older guy I met who talked to mi often. It was a big thing for mi. Guys hardly used to talk to mi then, with a smile, for fun. 

I didn't realize how much I talked about him or how much better talking to him made mi feel, till I had a bad day. I lost a competition and I felt so down. It was the one thing I had every year. The one thing I was good at, the one thing people smiled at mi for. It broke my heart to loose it. My friends tried all they could but I would not smile. They all decided only he could make mi feel better.

So they sent someone to go get him. And he came!! 

I can't tell you for sure if I was happier or more surprised when I saw him. I didn't think he would actually come. Everyone till him had run or turned sour, but he actually came. It must have been a little scary, if I think back, because the possibility that some guy actually cared about mi for mi was too bizarre then to consider. 

When it comes to scenes and their details, what people say to mi and the situations, I have a photographic memory. But on this day, we walked around the little city and talked for hours. But I cannot tell you what we talked about. I know the path we took - across the hall from one set of stairs (where he met mi), to the other. He got mi to stop crying first (I remember leaning against him when he came - must have been nuts >< to do that - and he let mi!! I think I was sure he was an alien then!!). 

Then we went down the stairs, toured the science complex next door, the building across, then somehow ended up back at the bottom of the original stairs, singing with my friends. He had never hung out with my friends, but we were all singing and talking and laughing. We even got him to sing (everyone said he should to make mi feel better....again he did - I was still unsure of his earthling status. lol). 

I can't remember what we talked about that day, but I know I was smiling. I don't know what I was thinking back then, but I can guess it must have been 'It's so warm and bright where he is'. 

Every time I spent with him, I spent laughing. I, unfairly, asked him recently, to tell mi about fond memories, knowing fully well I won't be able to answer if he asked mi back. Every time we spent together was a fun memory, an escape from my real world. He made mi happy. But even better, he made mi believe I had a right to be happy. 

But if I must, my fond memory is the same scene which played over and over. We never planned it, but we always ended up going to the movies together. When we meet, he would lace his fingers with mine - I was sure he had a hand fetish >< - and we would walk to the movies together. Then sometimes (most times lol), he would put his arm around my shoulder and still hold my hand - see, hand fetish haha. I can't tell you what we talked about, but I know I was always laughing. Always smiling, always happy. Then I thought I felt warm. Now, I know I felt loved. 

Don't get mi wrong, the hell I was living in never changed. I just never let him see it. I was happy and there was no reason to merge the two. He was so bright, the thought of tainting him with the madness that was my world was just obscene. More for my selfishness I think. I was probably afraid he would leave mi when he saw mi from their eyes. 

You might be wondering, 'what happened then?' Well I guess distance and time and experiences separated us. Don't get mi wrong, we are still excellent friends. He still makes mi laugh and I still don't know how we spend hours talking on end and not know what we are talking about. But now, he is a friend. Then he was my savior. The only light in my life. I needed him, almost to the level of a basic necessity. But I didn't dare think or believe there was anything between us. I couldn't even admit it to myself, let alone him or anyone else, that I had anything besides friendly feelings for him because, the mi then, I was sure he would take flight - like all before him. The idea of loosing him simply because I couldn't be content was unfathomable to mi. And since he was not going to say a thing, it worked out perfectly imperfectly. 

Now though, I can breathe. Now I don't need him to happy. Some might say thats harsh, but you have no idea what sort of burden it would be on a person if you were the only reason for another person's smile. Luckily, he had no idea he was my savior then, or that I depended on him so much or about the burden on his shoulders. But saved mi he did. Now I don't need him to be happy, but I need him as a friend. At some point, as I grew and let go, he gradually dropped from 'savior' status, to human, where he belonged. 

I often laugh and tell him we were star crossed lovers, but we've both agreed to say we once dated. He wishes he could go back in time and relive it, he says he misses those days. Mi, if I could in a different life I would. But if I was to relive it in this life, I would not. Because what was a daily life to him, was a little bit of heaven in hell to mi. Now who wants to ever relive hell?? See why I say star-crossed lovers?? 

But now, looking back, I can tell he was my first love. I loved him a lot more than my little head could accept or ever know then. He didn't know this before, but reading this, he probably knows it now. haha

We were little sweethearts. We shared the purest love and I can say, with a smile, we enjoyed every minute of it. 

So for creating a world for mi to belong, making mi a part of your life and giving mi friends, memories and something to keep the blades away. For making it possible for mi to have a time from back then when I can only smile as I recall.... I can't thank him enough. 

I keep telling him I want to meet the girl who steals his heart for good and he doesn't understand why. I want to meet her because I know he would love her a hundred times more than he loved mi, and from experience, thats an amazing amount of one of the best kinds of love to have!! I'm almost jealous of her, haha. 

So this is my final diary entry for us. A tale of a first love that flowed into one more everlasting, one of true friends. 

xoxo