Companions vs Friends

'In America, what we mostly have are companions....a friend is someone you can call at 2am and not feel guilty; someone you can turn to when something goes wrong....'

Finally, it clicked. 

Being in Cali for over a year, I've struggled with this. I could not understand what was wrong, or why the idea of friendship I grew up knowing, wasn't making sense here. I spoke to my therapist a number of times about this. Telling her everyone I meet makes mi feel lonely because they don't feel like friends. Her response has always been, 'well there are different kinds of friends. You have friends you do your nails with; friends you study with.,,,' but that explanation never made sense to mi. Why are there different types of friends when there is only one definition?? Why have I never encountered this before now after all these years?? 

Because for the first time, I am finally experiencing America. They say Cali is the 'real' America; because it embraces the real culture of the country. Being an individual; looking out for the 'self'; having boundaries; land of the free. 

Rather than lonely, this realization made mi both relieved and sad. Relieved because I can finally accept 'it's not mi'. Sad because this is it. 

My friend once told mi 'if you stay here too long, you'll loose yourself'. So the battle against that is on. 

I came to the realization a while back. But having a term for all this....I have many companions here, friends however....

to be continued....

Facing Fears: Paddle Boarding + 100 Days Rekindled

Today, I went paddle boarding.
For those who don't know, that is basically kayaking on a surf board.
For those who know mi, you reaction right now is very appropriate: Really?? Where?? Are you kidding?? On the ocean??
Yup.
I didn't know what it was when I signed up (note to self, always ask before you say 'yes'). For some reason, I assumed it would be some version of kayaking, and on a lake.
Needless to say, it was a scary experience.
The moment we arrived at the harbour, I kept asking myself 'why'. I spent a lot of time praying and begging God (for what, I can't tell you right now).
Looking back now, I can see how and why people will and do enjoy the sport. If you are one for the ocean, it is pretty calm, a version of free falling if you will, if you let the gentle waves take you and your board calmly. Unfortunately and sadly I think, I was too scared and focused on my fear to enjoy the experience.
I did well, in the sense that I didn't fall, and I paddled out and about for an hour fifteen minutes total. But unlike my friends whom I went with, it felt more like P.E homework or a dare (where the alternative was much worse) than a fun activity. I was focused on getting there and getting back.
I did learn that I have a lot more phobias and restrictions than I thought I did. Makes me feel high maintenance, which I've spent a majority of the day struggling to convince myself that that doesn't denote a 'bad' thing.
Added to that, is the 'complaining' factor. Because I was terrified, I spent a lot of time talking about my fears and concerns. Apparently, at one point, it started to come off as mi saying my fears were more important to others (not once did that thought cross my mind), to which, at one point, a friend sarcastically commented saying 'yes you're fears are more important than others'. That was never my intention - making anyone think that way. But then I also realised, maybe I have gotten too comfortable/'trusting'. Complaining to anyone usually meant I have known said person for years, and I am at the point where regardless of how I phrase things, I have a higher chance of not getting misunderstood because he/she understands mi that well. I don't think I can successfully convince myself that being high maintenance and complaining a lot don't denote 'bad' things. So I've decided to rekindle the 100 days.
In general, the day was quite exhausting - physically and emotionally. I intentionally put myself in a terrifying position, and no, I was not comfortable. But I am glad I was able to complete it successfully.
Would I do it again, very very doubtful. Maybe in a lake lol.
xo

New House :)

I forgot to write this when I moved, but I finally moved!!
It has been two weeks, and I love it....almost to a fault. Having my own place, with my own decor and level of cleanliness feels amazing. A part of mi already wishes I had gotten a one bedroom, or could afford to keep the 2 bedroom alone, but that is only because it allows mi to isolate/hibernate on my own. It allows mi to have my own world outside of humans. But I know and understand this isn't good for mi....in the long run. lol. I already have to make myself leave the house daily as opposed to stay home and in bed.
People can be exhausting lol.
But yea, moved, love it and almost finally unpacked.

xo

Fairytales: The Ballad of Lovers

She looks over at him, and he turns to her with a knowing smile.
He looks over at her, and she turns to him with a knowing smile.
The breath in him is the reason she breathes.
The breath in her is the reason he breathes.
Suffocating together.
Suffocating apart.
Suffocating.
Suffocating.

He touches her hand lightly, and she hears the words in his soul.
She touches his hand lightly, and he hears the words in her soul.
The words from his lips are the reason she moves.
The words from her lips are the reason he moves.
Paralysing together.
Paralysed apart.
Paralysing.
Paralysed.

They hold each other and watch as the sun rises, life feels complete.
They hold each other and watch the stars fall, forever now complete.
Picture perfect, like they dreamed, yet so fragile.
People's envy, like they do hear, yet so fragile.
Secluded together.
Secluded apart.
Secluded.
Secluded.

To stand and stare at their love from the outside, breath taking.
To stand and stare at their love from the outside, terrifying.
Their love's existence, inviting.
Their love's existence, acting.
Reality or fantasy.
Fantasy or reality.
Real fantasy.
Real fantasy.

Lost

I'm unhappy.
This is something I can actually admit.
Even though I smile and laugh with people around, I truly feel unhappy inside.
I can't for the life of mi tell why.
Sure there are things I want, everyone has those.
But nothing so serious that I need to be sad about.
I fight feelings of loneliness, yet I'm surrounded by many.
I fight feelings of failure, yet I know I am not close to one.
I wake up almost daily with a feeling that something vital, something important is missing.
Something so important I feel lost without it.
Maybe it's because there is so much i want to do, yet I feel trapped.
Trapped.
That caged feeling is slowly creeping back in.
I want to free fall.
I want to be un-trapped. Unlocked. Found.
I'm so tired of this back and forth.
Almost feels like this was this wrong place....

Why??

Why am I sad right now??
Why do I feel like I need to cry for a few hours to feel better??
Why does it feel like I can't use my words right now??
Why does it feel like I can't be understood right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to hold mi and tell mi it's okay to cry right now??
Why does it feel like I need someone to be here and not understand but be okay right now??
Too many emotions, and all I want to know is why??

Hellos and Goodbyes

Chances are you're never gonna read this, which is fine. Probably why I'm writing this. There are two 'yous' in this equation, but I'm too lazy to do more than one post. Of not enough for two so I'll make this one long enough. 

To the first you,

I love you. Way more than I need to or than for my own good. But I do. It's the kind of love reserved for family. Where no matter what happens, no matter what goes wrong, blood (or in this case bond) makes us inseparable. This means I am more likely to get hurt. Why?? Because you having the same level of emotion for mi is doubtful. This means I want to hurt you sometimes like you hurt mi, just to see how you react. But aside from the fact that I am not wired that way, I think I will be more hurt than you will ever be. But maybe that's just my insecurities talking. 

To the other you,

I haven't known you well enough for you to do this to mi, but yet here we are. The last time I was here didn't end well, so this time, there are only two possible reactions. If we were closer, I will be more terrified because the situation will be mi holding my breath for fear of your eminent departure or demise. But we aren't. It's evil that you think it's okay to treat mi this way just because you feel like it. It's sad that you don't care enough to even bother to tell mi what's wrong. It's annoying that you think you matter enough to get away with all this. But I'm too tired to spend my time giving a shit about every Tom, Dick, Harry and Clare. If I did I know, from experience, that's a shitty life. So we are done. 

I want to be happy. I need to be happy. 

xo

Mi

Pick Your Poison

We all have one, the best way to live is to aknowledge that you do have one. It's easier when it's a substance, harder when it's human. Humans are unpredictable. Humans are annoying. Humans are emotional. Humans are a handful.

I don't like the roulette it seems humans require when it comes to emotions. I don't like the fact that you get addicted to having one around even when they become toxic for you. 

It's easier to kick a habit when there are more negatives you can tell yourself of than good. It's harder when the habit lives and breathes. 

I hate my habits. 

I hate them because I am that addict that gets overly addicted. 

I can't quit no matter how I try.
And the worst part is, the addiction isn't addicted too.

First Step.

I'm not numb.
Sometimes I think I'm angry.
Other times I think I'm sad.
Most times, I'm afraid to think about how I feel because I don't know....
When you are mad, you yell at someone.
When you are sad, you cry or let it out at someone.
But if you don't let yourself feel these things in relation to a person out of fear,
thinking about it, thats unfair to the person.
So you are both wrong.
Making someone how to prove the existence of your relationship to you, out of fear,
That's exhausting and also unfair.
I started this off thinking I don't want to feel or face how I feel because I'm afraid.
The old mi would have stopped there.
But now, I'm putting myself in the other person's shoes.
if someone I think I'm close with constantly doubts that and wants proof, how will I feel??
Shitty is the answer.
So, in this case, we are both wrong.
One wrong for breaking the other's trust.
The other wrong for not facing how she feels about the trust-breakage completely.
Acknowledging is the first step, now on to the next.

xo

Mi

Waves in Motion

Today, my first year of five years came to a close. I passed all my exams, some to my surprise I must say. This year has been quite the rollercoaster. I learned, discovered and confirmed a number of things about myself. Some of them I was happy with, others not so much. I found friends, made friends, stumbled upon friends and lost friends. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to confront things I wished I could have continued to avoid. This year was a chapter in my life I was forced to grow up in areas I still struggle with. It was hard, and I probably could have found an easier way to survive, but I believe God made it this way so I had to go through the year and experience the things I did the way i did.

The first unique thing about this year was the fact that I experienced culture shock for the first time in my life. I've lived in this country for years, but I had never felt like a foreigner until I got here and that was really hard to learn to deal with. But deal with it I had to and deal with it I still am. I learned a lot about people, some things I didn't like, others I'm learning to live with, and yet still, others I completely cherish. I learned a lot about myself. For instance, I am extremely shy and awkward around the opposite sex. I am most comfortable in my own company. I love driving big cars. I love practical assignments, suck at multiple choice. I get easily anxious when I am away from God. I love flirting but I'm terrified of commitments. I cherish the idea of living alone....the list goes on.

By the calendar, the second year starts in the fall. However, officially, the second year starts next week. We start seeing clients, we start making a difference. There is so much I want to achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I can achieve and do and see and be. There is so much I am going to/am yet to achieve and do and see and be. I know God has been with mi, despite my wandering habits, all through this year, and he will be with mi in the times to come.

So  here is to the end of a unique and wonderful year. Here is to the start of a new phase in a new chapter in my life I am finally slowly settling in to. Here is to the future, because the best is yet to come. Here is to the past year, because it has made mi who I am today, or at least contributed to who I am today. Here is to the waves in motion, which continue to change as the tides come in. Here is to life.
Here is to mi. I made it.

xoxo