Sometimes

It's been a couple of weeks in Cali, well maybe 2 weeks. While I've found readjusting into the school system (the other end of it) a slightly troubling but fun experience, its the loss of complete independence that I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Coming from living alone, paying my way and getting to places on my own, to having to rely on someone for everything is unsettling. I can't live alone right now cause it's not financially feasible. I can't have a job right now cause there aren't any available to fit my time schedule. I can't go around on my own yet because driving is still a bit dicy for mi.
It's frustrating knowing that I have to ask, and essentially bother, someone else in order to get the necessary things done. I understand that they don't necessarily think that way, but I can't rationally help thinking the way I do. Makes mi wonder if it's because I feel that way (deep down) when people ask mi for help constantly, but then I know this isn't the case. I know, for a fact, that I don't think that way. But why I can't believe others are the same is beyond mi.
Academically, I'm fine. I mean I'm not an idiot. I understand that I need help there when I need it. But it's in other ways.
Like today. I bought a printer. My housemate has two printers in her room. She told mi I could use it anytime I wanted, and even offered mi the option of downloading the CD to my laptop so I can use it whenever. But I bought a printer.
It's not that I didn't trust her offer. It's just....well for one I have the 3 strikes thing. I asked her to help mi print somethings and she forgot. I know it wasn't intentional, but then I feel bad re-asking. So I don't get the things printed, and I loose out. I also don't know what the 'printing page limit' is. Or if I contribute to buying the ink....see how far my train of thought has gone?? I'm not generally that way with people I've known for 6 years and up (at least I like to think so), but it's getting to that time that is work. But then there are some people I feel I won't ever get that way with....
I think the most terrifying thing to mi or rather the hardest thing for mi is not having a job, and having to feel guilty for spending money all over again. Japan cured mi of that. I earned the money and I spent it. I also learned how to budget and things of that nature. Here, it's like a yo-yo diet. I spend money, feel guilty, starve myself of the money, then crash and spend crazy. It's a never ending cycle of insanity.
I want to get the library job. I think I can be really good if I do....or a job of similar nature....
My school does require 16hrs of therapy before the 3rd year. Maybe I can ask my therapist. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to create things to talk about with them.
Anyway I've got assignments to do and papers to write....wrong day for feeling sad....

Vengeful

I run and run.
Faster.
Faster.
But it seems the farther I go, the closer she appears.
Mocking me.
Teasing me.
The vengeful wench.
Loving none.
Respecting none.
Fearing none.
She has the power to take.
And take she does.
Never satisfied.
Forever hungry, she takes.
She takes until there is nothing left to take.
And then she takes some more.
Laughing in my face.
Bitter.
Uncaring.
Faster.
Faster.
I run and run.

Cages

A wounded cat trapped in a four-walled space,
She runs around, fighting the claustrophobia, trying to pretend she is in the wild.
A wounded cat trapped and cornered,
They surround her, taking more of her freedom, draining more of her air.

Her natural instinct is to run,
Run and go nurse her wounds as she reunites with her freedom.
Trapped and cornered, she has no place to go.
Trapped and cornered, she has only one response.

Her natural instinct is to fight,
Lash out and hurt until her corner becomes a space and her space, freedom.
But it hurts her to fight so won't you set her free??
But it deepens her wound to fight so won't you let her be??

They say its selfish of her to want to be free,
She hurts others by wanting to be free.
But it hurts her to stay and not be free,
It hurts her to stay cornered and not run free.

But they won't let her go,
They won't let her be free,
They won't let her breathe,
So she must remain caged, wounded until one side breaks.

Death of a Flower

And the flower was spotted, 
it was watered,
it was nourished. 
It grew tall and handsome. 

Strong and swayed with the wind. 

And the flower blossomed, it was beautiful. 

We all loved it, we all admired it. 

We all wanted to stand next to it. 

Then the flower died.

It was pretty,  full of brightness the other day, and now it is no more.

It was envied, standing tall with pride, and now its is no more.

It was protected, surrounded by love and affection, and now it is no more.


And the flower was born, lived and grew.
And the flower was born, grew and died. 


And the flower was. 

Chess Pieces.

These are the last words of warning I would say to you.

From here on out, I have no idea how life would play out for us. I would not lie to you- I am not scared, but I think that you should be though. I think that you should be terrified.

My little rival-kitten.

Do you know how to play chess? Well even if you say no, we both know with the mind games you play, 'yes', is the more reasonable answer. 

You've picked mi as your opponent. I feel you should know, I never loose. And in this game of ours, there are no foul moves. Everything is fair game. 

So come at mi with all you've got. Don't be afraid. I bite, but you said you can take it. Come at mi with all you've got, because I'd be doing the same and some.

And when we are done, the last words on your lips would be my name.

And when we are done, the last words from mi would be 'I told you so'. 

Happy Ending.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

And that other girl is she.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

The girl does not know it.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She has seen this situation before.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She was the girl in the last situation.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

'Is this reverse Karma??' She asks.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

The girl thinks of she as a friend.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She does not know what she thinks of the girl.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She feels a little guilty.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

But like watching a train wreck, she cant stop.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

Theres about to be two out of three happy endings. 

The Door Way

What would it be like to hold death and life in your hands? To have a person in your arms, as they are dying. One minute they are there, the next minute, gone. The life leaves them while they are still in your arms. 
Do you feel it?? I mean is there a feeling that transcribes the hollowness that just became of that person?? Do you feel the empty shell as it looses its core, like you do when a bottle becomes empty?? Is there a difference in what you see or feel of the person one second while they are alive and the next after death??


If there was a difference, would you want to feel it?? Would you want to tell when the life is gone by the feel or rather remain in a state of unknown?? Granted its pretty obvious when a person dies, they stop breathing. But what else, aside from the heart and breathing, lets you know that life has left the building?? 


Doctors get a chance to come close to this, as they have life and death in their hands. But still, doctors never actually feel the life leave for the most part, right?? They don't hold the patient in their arms through the process of dying, do they?? So technically, they can only speculate. Sure they can tell you the feeling of loosing a patient but thats it, no??


I guess when it comes down to it, what I want to know is what does death feel like, without actually experiencing it of course. Not till I am old BGG at least....What does it feel like at the door. Not to die, but to feel death happening. 

New Year Resolution

I woke up this morning feeling like I just woke up from a really bad dream. Problem wasn't the dream I just had. It felt like 'Mi' suddenly woke up to realize someone else had been living my life the past few years. And a close review of that person's actions felt very much like it should be a bad dream. 

HSR: The reincarnation of a life/past you assumed dead but rudely awaken to. 

Thats all am going to say about that. 

I realized recently, well last night, that I am a social/emotional chameleon. Doesn't that mean I have no true identity per say?? Well only around them I believe. I think everywhere else, I am Mi, but once around them, I become....well frankly speaking I still have no clue on that. lol.

Thing is, Idk if I want to be sad about that or what emotional feelings I should have to this new discovery. I normal person would be quite disturbed. I was disturbingly intrigued by how easy it was for mi to change colors at 'need' and I think that fact bothered mi a bit. But the problem is I think I am only a chameleon when I don't feel the need to make an effort to let you see mi. Which, being the case it seems with all of them, makes the situation extra sad.

Idthink I am making much sense. 

As for the title, I was going to say I would try and be 'Mi' with everyone as my New Year's Resolution, but as I went along with the writing, I realized that in itself would be a lie. To get there, I need to trust. Since I haven't found a reason to revisit that chapter, I would keep that little resolution elsewhere. One aspect I would stop' chameleoning' with though is the status change. Quite frankly its tiring, pathetic and down right unlike mi. lol. So I'd be single again. Scratch that, I am single. (sigh of relief). 

Don't worry about understanding all this cause I didn't even try to as I wrote it. lol.

Why Can't I Hate You??

Lets describe....short of words.....first time. Lol

Kill Mi quickly cause this slow shit aint cutting it. You won’t shut up, which is the only problem right now you know. Cause everything else I am used to, everything else I can take. But you just won’t Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Its not hard cause it was expected. Being observant is a bitch but hey, gives a girl a warning at least. Lol. So it was clear and accepted long before anything happened. Now we both know that, so why do you insist on going on and on about it?? Why won’t you just let Mi endure my hell in peace?? That’s unfair.

Hell is bad enough as it is, being there with you, now that is just the ultimate punishment.

Do I beg?? But that makes you happy doesn't it?? You get worse and there is nothing I can do about it....life is a lot better when I don't beg. 
Fuck it, who we kidding, I won't beg you even if it would cost my life....I guess we both know it, which is why we also both know I am doomed to this hell you have placed mi. 

Like it or not I may, but there is nothing I can do about it....so God help us both then....
someone needs to.... 

....From The Eyes Of The Beheld....

When you adore something, you watch it.
You don't touch it.
You don't touch it for you fear that then it would be contaminated. No longer pure, no longer the beauty that you behold. You would be contaminating it with the essence of yourself. The essence that makes you thus unworthy, thus impure, thus a simple guardian.
You understand this, you accept this.
But then disaster strikes.
Now that which you adore so is in shambles. You watch as the pieces gather together. Holding on to each other to soothe the ache that they each share. The common ache that you all share, though yours is well masked, well hidden.
You watch the bond and once again, it's painfully clear. Your heart is hurt cause you watch that which you adore stand before you, its pieces holding on together to comfort itself. To become stronger.
Suddenly, it becomes even more painfully obvious, your position. You are merely an observer to them. A visitor, charming nonetheless, but still a visitor. One with a mere interest in what that which you adore are, but not one that can feel or understand like them. You are automatically tagged, along with the rest of the outsiders, as one with sympathy, but incapable of empathy.
Tragic loss.
Now you have two kinds of pain to deal with. The pain of watching your beloved hurt in a way you could never have wished upon your own daemons. The pain of being all but ostracized as an outsider by the same beloved: Kept so close but yet so far, stuck between being one and being none. An empath to your degree, it hurts more.
You close your eyes, and the eery all too familiar echo of silence engulfs you. Not the silence of peace, but that which echos with lonesomeness. That which is plagued by the every living fact that awake or in sleep, remains eternal.
It's sad. Playing the beholder to the beholder to the beheld. The beheld knows not what it does to the other. The beholder cannot help the one between. For as sad as it is to say, the beholder is but one.
So to soothe yourself, you dive into the fantasies. The loves, the hopes, the dreams once held, all fulfilled. For a time, the ache is pacified, the loneliness is sated. And like a drug, the effect soon wears out, leaving you aching till the next dose.

If you understand any of this, then congratulations. You have become a beholder; seeing what no other has been able to do before - see from the eyes of the one in between....

Diabolical lover

In the wake of the night,
I saw.
The shadows illuminated my room’s sky,
Forcing my unwavering attention.
The soft fiery glow warmed my cheeks,
Yet I knew for a fact one touch would scourge.
Like the ever living fires of Hades.


He came to me.
In sleep or dream I do not know,
But he came.
The skies became the baby blue of dawn,
Yet he glowed and smelt as the twilight.


Gentle kisses he placed,
And I felt them like rain droplets.
Yet I did not touch him.
Plead and cajole he tried, Immortal none the less; I refused.
Relishing the power.


His eyes now grey,
I fear a storm cometh.
He placed a hand on my chest.
I shivered.
His hands burned and cooled as they moved.
A sensation I did not know to scream from or weep with joy.


He kissed me,
I tasted his lips.
He tasted of the sea, the dead sea.
My eyes flew open, the cock crowed.
It was morning on earth.


Night and day he torments me.
Leading mi up the torturous pleasures of ecstasy,
Only to leave me hanging at death's door.


Yet day and night I long for him.
Like the sex craved drug addict he turned me into.
Sodom and Gomorrah had the right idea I wish to say,
For he alone would drive me insane.

Her darkness

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night and all is alone.
Thus the echos of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness within.
And words to deafen the hallowing echos from within.

....In the Silence....

Engulfed.
In the cone of silence,
She alone hears him.
Calling.
He is back....
Or maybe he never left.

Louder.
His colors bold as ever,
She alone can see them.
Bleeding.
He cuts her....
Or maybe the old wound reopened.

Mesmerized.
Trapped in his cold embrace,
Silent tears fall from her.
Mirrors.
He loves her....
Or maybe she hallucinates.

You.
Another walks in,
Silent tears like hers.
She hates him; She loves him.
For he is she, she is he.

Help.
She wants to scream,
No sound is heard.
In the still silence,
He alone hears her.
You alone understands her.
Neither of help to her.

She hears it,
She feels it,
She understands it.
That thing that fills the empty core,
Yet still leaves it empty.

....She....

Darkness engulfing,
closer, closer.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to out run it.

Light receding,
faster, faster.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to run to it.

Shakes subduing,
colder, colder.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get off the island.

Warmth retreating,
farther, farther.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get close enough to keep it.

Cycle rotating,
slowly, slowly,
And no matter how different the show seems,
she can't help but end up at the same finish line.

Story unfolding,
magically, magically,
And no matter how wonderful the play looks,
she can't help but end up with the same part, audience, all the time....

Bleeding Coin

Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you quit and trust Mi,
tails you drag it all with you till hell.


Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you tell Mi why you won't trust anyone,
tails you get to keep your secret till hell.


Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you tell Mi how you really feel,
tails you get to be closed off till hell. 


Lets flip a coin for your heart,
heads I have it,
tails you win.
Heads you listen to Mi and my wishes for a change,
tails you get to be an asshole till hell.

When You are Mad

Why is it always like a roller coaster with you?? One minute you are smiling happily, and the next minute there is a war. She can't possibly make you happy, no matter how hard she tries. Yet you burden her with that seemingly impossible task. Fight as lovers, talk as friends, live as siblings and communicate as strangers. This undefined relationship is quite tasking.
But I guess this means nothing to you, as you don't care.
Selfish beyond comparison. It ached today. Funny how she feels nothing, but when it comes to pain, there seems to be a swinging door with a sign that reads 'Always Welcome'.
Sometimes you make her feel like the hopeless mistress, the other woman, in this illicit affair, where no one but you derives absolute pleasure. Which would be fine if this was so and you are always happy, but you are not and it is not.
You are miserable, and that's plain as day. All sides wish to curse you for forcing her to have to watch you willingly relive this nightmare that you call love, over and over till it seems you would break from it. All sides wish to curse you for putting her through this predicament and web of unwanted emotions. Yet as much as she wants to, she can't help but understand the fact that your sadness hurts her, and that it would be impossible for her to curse you. Even in jest.
Masochist you both are, no?? And I left to watch and wonder in semi disgust at the spectacle she makes, have to still look upon her with a weary eye. What happens to her with this game goes to far and she cannot separate herself from the web?? What happens to her if, by some miracle, you do get your fantasy dream??
You are both as similar as black is to white; as they are colors, and day is to night; as the are reps of time, yet just as different in some areas. You are both of the relationship between the sun and the moon, yet the part each of you plays is that is still but a mystery to Mi. I don't know if you are the sun and she the moon, or if she is the moon and you the sun sometimes. I do know you hurt her, in ways she can't even explain without coming off wrong.
*sigh
You would like to see her go wild?? Funny, the time seems close at hand....
These and much more I do ponder on when you are mad....

Resevoir Chronicles: How did you feel?

Did it hurt when I said I too was letting go?
Did your heart come to a slamming stop,
And then restart as it broke into a million pieces?
Did it feel a little harder to breathe or was it all normal?
Come on, why the silence? We are playing your game here.
Tell mi how if felt, because I am sure I always feel ten times worse.


Did you feel your dreams turn into nightmares?
Did you feel the life you knew suddenly become foreign?
Did you feel a sudden dislike for Mi that you couldn't stop?
Did you feel helpless as you realized you couldn't let go? Or could you let go?
Come on, why the silence? We are playing your game here.
Tell mi how if felt, because I am sure I always feel ten times worse.

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien

Terror,
Unexplainable terror chokes mi,
As the expression on your face changes.
Pain,
Unexplainable pain pierces mi,
As I see the look now in your eyes.
Fear,
Unexplainable fear captivates mi,
As you turn and I think you are to leave.
You pause and ask for a reason to stay,
And tears are the only response I can bring up.

I can't find the words to explain to you how I feel.
Yet the terror for the pain that accompanies your reaction
to my lack of explanation,
Is worse than the terror that chokes mi with your expressions.
How do I tell you its not you I fear, but the idea that is you?
How do I tell you that first impressions for mi begin with fear,
and people always begin on pillars?
how do I tell you that my own self esteem,
or lack of it thereof,
Leads mi to think everyone an angel,
Till I find that which makes them human again?
A lass, how do I tell you that for you, I have found many a human factors,
But still, none strong enough to break this?

My hands are shaking,
I can already feel you leaving.
My voice is shaking,
I can already feel you gone.
How do i stop you?
It seems like every step I take is a mile from you,
But then again, I notice there was already a milestone crater
before us,
And that, I had nothing to do with.

So I watch us fall into an awkward silence,
And I count the seconds with my clock
As it ticks away.
Knowing in a few minutes you would say 'I am leaving',
And I would sigh because there is no way to stop you.
Knowing you would walk out the door, and in a little while,
follow with a message.
Knowing I would now wish this dream, now nightmare, were but only
a dream.
And the clock would continue to tick away....

Venus and Mars, and all Hell in between....

I. Am. Really. Tired.
This close to throwing in the towel and saying screw it. I haven't had this much drama in my life in such a long time, and worse still, I haven't had this much drama that I am 'unrelated' to half of in as long as I can remember, and besides stressing mi out, it is really really starting to get on my nerves. You know the five stages of grieve thing - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance?? Well I think I went through the first in seconds cause I was beyond shocked and all when I first heard, and then skipped to the fourth. I was stuck there for a little bit, but I think I am now back on track at the second.
Boys are devinately from mars, women from venus, and parents are from the now un-planeted planet, pluto. Mi, I am from the planet Zowrocks, so thats mainly why I cannot understand any of them.
In the first place, why people bother to have so many complicated emotions about life, whcih by the way is so fleeting, is beyond mi. Why can't they all just decide that life is short and so lets have fun, rather than having to include useless emotions such as the all time favorite 'falling in love'. Come on!!
Ok yes, I would admit that there are those who, visual only, seem to have mastered this act and are perfectly fine with that inclusing. And I am not saying it is bad, I guess not entirely. But if it causes so much sadness and pain, at least get the sense to know that maybe you havent mastered it, and now would be a good time to quit for a while. Get some fun.
As for the parents, really stressing over 'whats my child gonna become' is way too much stressing. And yes, I am probably talking cause I don't have kids, but I think if one is more free spirited, and trusting, life would fall into place. I am not saying wash your hands off the little brats, cause then they turn into monsters and all hell breaks loose, but I think trusting their choices once in a while wouldn't be so bad.
And as for the female race....If God had not had such a sense of humor, I think it would have been easier if men and women had the same brains. That way, things would not have to be so dang on complicated, and people would be able to have smoother and easier conversations. But he does have one. A sense of humor I mean. So here we are, stuck with two different languages. Tower of Babel all over a gain. Except here there are ony two groups, trying to hold a conversation in two different languages....Sigh.
Ok back to my dang research papper....don't even get mi started on where I think Professors are from, and what I feel is the just thing to do to that planet....don't

Lilith's Game

There once was a girl,
who lived under a spell.
She cried up a well,
but dreamt in a shell.

There once was a girl,
Who rolled down to a cell,
She prayed the guards would tell,
but got to rot in hell..

I once knew of this lady,
fair beauty, quite contrary.
Had the pure smile of a baby,
But the deceitful heart of the enemy.

I once knew of this lady,
who sang more beautiful than the canary.
Her laugh made the males crazy,
But with a blade she produced the grand finale.

There once was a creatress,
Who built worlds of lies.
Men poured in gold and blood at her requests,
While she watched their dieing hearts try desperately to rise.

There once was a seductress,
men named the destroyer.
For they built her a fortress,
while their hearts burned in fire.