Faked

She likes the night because she is free.
All is still at night, all is alone.
Thus the echoes of her loneliness blend right in.
The missing pieces in her smile go unnoticed.

She hates the day for she is bound.
The brightness shows it all, so she needs a mask.
To hide the tears and the emptiness of her heart.
And words to deafen the hallowing echoes from within.

So like Mi

I wish to yell, scream, curse, be blunt and be so....
unladylike.
I wish to jump, smirk, hiss, not give a shit and be so...
unladylike.
I wish to hit, scratch, bite, cause damage and be so....
unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to be British polite, without the bashfulness of the Japanese,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to be rude when necessary and blunt with the devil's smile,
and be so....unladylike..
I wish to tell you all i feel, not caring as tears run down if they do,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.


I wish to show when I care, if ever, and when I don't care plainly,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to say what I want to whomever as before, accepting that it might be the end,
and be so....unladylike.
I wish to smile at all times, and not discriminate among who I smile with a dagger to,
and be so....unladylike.
But then I can't be bothered with the aftermath of fights, speeches, letters and the act of reconciliation....
So like Mi.

....In the Silence....

Engulfed.
In the cone of silence,
She alone hears him.
Calling.
He is back....
Or maybe he never left.

Louder.
His colors bold as ever,
She alone can see them.
Bleeding.
He cuts her....
Or maybe the old wound reopened.

Mesmerized.
Trapped in his cold embrace,
Silent tears fall from her.
Mirrors.
He loves her....
Or maybe she hallucinates.

You.
Another walks in,
Silent tears like hers.
She hates him; She loves him.
For he is she, she is he.

Help.
She wants to scream,
No sound is heard.
In the still silence,
He alone hears her.
You alone understands her.
Neither of help to her.

She hears it,
She feels it,
She understands it.
That thing that fills the empty core,
Yet still leaves it empty.

....She....

Darkness engulfing,
closer, closer.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to out run it.

Light receding,
faster, faster.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to run to it.

Shakes subduing,
colder, colder.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get off the island.

Warmth retreating,
farther, farther.
And no matter how hard she tries,
she can't seem to get close enough to keep it.

Cycle rotating,
slowly, slowly,
And no matter how different the show seems,
she can't help but end up at the same finish line.

Story unfolding,
magically, magically,
And no matter how wonderful the play looks,
she can't help but end up with the same part, audience, all the time....

Reservoir Chronicles: I wish I could....

Take back all my care and worries,
take back all my frustrations,
take back all my sleepless nights,
take back all anxiety for you....
take it all back because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back all the solutions I tried to think of,
take back all the rescues I did come up with,
take back all the fights I had because of you,
take back all the harshness I endured,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back ignoring what seems now as the voice of reasoning,
take back stressing since it seems this was all fake to you,
take back the day I said 'ok, I'll listen' because it seems cursed,
take back letting some emotions show rather than leaving the cage sealed,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel so stupid.


Take back the times I smiled and said I cared,
take back the decades it seemed I spent praying for you,
take back the centuries it seemed I spent listening to you,
take back the millenniums it seemed I spent being angry for you,
take it all back, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


Tell myself this is the last time and know it is true,
tell myself I can walk away from it all and know I can,
tell myself that I really don't know why I feel so and believe it,
tell myself that this is for your good and be happy with that,
tell myself to make it better, because you've made Mi feel stupid.


A lass in the end, she still stands alone.... her greatest fear now a reality.... which road do we turn to now, I hear her unasked questions.... and in the silence, it remains so.... unasked, unanswered.... as I watch the chains fall back in place, and the locks close in once more....

When You are Mad

Why is it always like a roller coaster with you?? One minute you are smiling happily, and the next minute there is a war. She can't possibly make you happy, no matter how hard she tries. Yet you burden her with that seemingly impossible task. Fight as lovers, talk as friends, live as siblings and communicate as strangers. This undefined relationship is quite tasking.
But I guess this means nothing to you, as you don't care.
Selfish beyond comparison. It ached today. Funny how she feels nothing, but when it comes to pain, there seems to be a swinging door with a sign that reads 'Always Welcome'.
Sometimes you make her feel like the hopeless mistress, the other woman, in this illicit affair, where no one but you derives absolute pleasure. Which would be fine if this was so and you are always happy, but you are not and it is not.
You are miserable, and that's plain as day. All sides wish to curse you for forcing her to have to watch you willingly relive this nightmare that you call love, over and over till it seems you would break from it. All sides wish to curse you for putting her through this predicament and web of unwanted emotions. Yet as much as she wants to, she can't help but understand the fact that your sadness hurts her, and that it would be impossible for her to curse you. Even in jest.
Masochist you both are, no?? And I left to watch and wonder in semi disgust at the spectacle she makes, have to still look upon her with a weary eye. What happens to her with this game goes to far and she cannot separate herself from the web?? What happens to her if, by some miracle, you do get your fantasy dream??
You are both as similar as black is to white; as they are colors, and day is to night; as the are reps of time, yet just as different in some areas. You are both of the relationship between the sun and the moon, yet the part each of you plays is that is still but a mystery to Mi. I don't know if you are the sun and she the moon, or if she is the moon and you the sun sometimes. I do know you hurt her, in ways she can't even explain without coming off wrong.
*sigh
You would like to see her go wild?? Funny, the time seems close at hand....
These and much more I do ponder on when you are mad....

....All She Can....

She smiles then you smile,
She stays then you stay,
She laughs then you laugh,
She says she is leaving and your shattered.
Without her, you seem to fall apart,
And all she can do is watch you.


Her words give you breath,
Her voice gives you life,
Her sight gives you strength,
Her hatred is your worst fear.
Without her, you seem weak all over,
And all she can do is watch you.


In her palms rest your heart,
In her palms rest your soul,
In her palms rest your life,
One squeeze and you are off the cliff.
Without her, you are a lifeless doll.
And all she can do is watch you.


Would you ever be really happy?
Would you ever be really whole?
Would you ever be really free?
Would she ever tell you the truth?
....All she can do is watch you....

Resevoir Chronicles: "Thats who I am"

I close my eyes and I see your tears,
I close my eyes and I see your smile,
I close my eyes and I see you saying goodbye,
I close my eyes, and all I see is you.

I am aware of how you feel,
I am aware of how you think,
I am aware of how you are,
I am aware I dont comprehend the logic behind it all.

You always say whats on your mind,
You always say how you feel,
You always do as you please,
You always....its always about you.

You say you are listening,
You say you do understand,
You say you know what I am talking about,
You say a lot of things you don't mean.

Deciding when to come, you came.
Deciding when to leave, you left.
Deciding we be intimate, it did not matter.
Deciding all this, you did alone, we have/had no say.

Deciding the story, you make the play.
Deciding the characters, you act the part.
Deciding the ending, you take the bow.
Deciding the audience....wait, where do we come in??

Can I say....

'That's enough' is your standard response,
Who would have guessed it was never words alone?
I have been running in circles,
Am calling it quits now. Taking a rest.

'Thats my best friend' you say a lot.
Who can believe when it's always a lie.
I am tired of begging, talking, this circular journey.
Am finaly giving you your wish, I'll tell you good bye....

I wish I could say....

"That's who I am"

Reservoir Chronicles: Emotic Alien (Sequel )

Juxtaposed fountain of emotions,
Emotions that dispute themselves.
Selfish, spoiled, juvenile and problematical.
Lovable, adorable, beautiful and child like.

Insatiable sun of a gun,
Perfection can only happen your way,
All other lanes are closed, only what you say goes:
In your little world and the real one too.

Lost and lonely kitten,
Fragile yet strong, strong yet fragile.
Sometimes with your heart at the tip of our fingers,
Scared to breathe for fear we drop it and kill you.

Now locked up away in chains forever,
Your heart does seem. Cold to behold through your eyes.
You choose to run and save yourself; from what, I don't know.
Forgetting that once out, a heart freed can never be relocked the same.

Venus and Mars, and all Hell in between....

I. Am. Really. Tired.
This close to throwing in the towel and saying screw it. I haven't had this much drama in my life in such a long time, and worse still, I haven't had this much drama that I am 'unrelated' to half of in as long as I can remember, and besides stressing mi out, it is really really starting to get on my nerves. You know the five stages of grieve thing - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance?? Well I think I went through the first in seconds cause I was beyond shocked and all when I first heard, and then skipped to the fourth. I was stuck there for a little bit, but I think I am now back on track at the second.
Boys are devinately from mars, women from venus, and parents are from the now un-planeted planet, pluto. Mi, I am from the planet Zowrocks, so thats mainly why I cannot understand any of them.
In the first place, why people bother to have so many complicated emotions about life, whcih by the way is so fleeting, is beyond mi. Why can't they all just decide that life is short and so lets have fun, rather than having to include useless emotions such as the all time favorite 'falling in love'. Come on!!
Ok yes, I would admit that there are those who, visual only, seem to have mastered this act and are perfectly fine with that inclusing. And I am not saying it is bad, I guess not entirely. But if it causes so much sadness and pain, at least get the sense to know that maybe you havent mastered it, and now would be a good time to quit for a while. Get some fun.
As for the parents, really stressing over 'whats my child gonna become' is way too much stressing. And yes, I am probably talking cause I don't have kids, but I think if one is more free spirited, and trusting, life would fall into place. I am not saying wash your hands off the little brats, cause then they turn into monsters and all hell breaks loose, but I think trusting their choices once in a while wouldn't be so bad.
And as for the female race....If God had not had such a sense of humor, I think it would have been easier if men and women had the same brains. That way, things would not have to be so dang on complicated, and people would be able to have smoother and easier conversations. But he does have one. A sense of humor I mean. So here we are, stuck with two different languages. Tower of Babel all over a gain. Except here there are ony two groups, trying to hold a conversation in two different languages....Sigh.
Ok back to my dang research papper....don't even get mi started on where I think Professors are from, and what I feel is the just thing to do to that planet....don't

Unchanged

Tears unshed,
Tears unshedable.
Pain unmeasured,
Pain unmeasurable.
Screams unheard,
Screams unhearable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Words unsaid,
Words unsayable.
Thoughts unshared,
Thoughts unshareable.
Things undone,
Things undoable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Time unwound,
Time unwindable.
Things undone,
Things undoable.
Mistakes not undone,
Mistakes not undoable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Emotions unnoticed,
Emotions unnoticable.
Feelings unshared,
Feelings unsharable.
Death unacomplished,
Death unacomplishable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Things ungotten,
Things ungettable.
Wishes unanswered,
Wishes unanswerable.
Desires unmet
Desires unmeetable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.

Faults unblamed,
Faults unblamable.
Problems unsolved,
problems unsolvable.
Help unatained,
Help unatainable.
A heart since unbeating,
Now wrenches as a gut wound.
Yet, still remains, unbeating.

....Her letter to Mi....

Dear you,

I would tell you about my frustrations. About how I feel hopeless and impossibly useless because I cannot do anything for them who matter to mi, but sit and watch as they crumble in different ways before me. 

I would tell you about how I watch them cry in near fascination and despair, because while I want to ease their pain and help them, I still envy them simply because they are free to shed their tears. 

I would tell you about how pathetic my life has become. About how I have given up on personal 
happiness, a term I know no meaning to, and now depend on them, among others, for my happiness. Thus when they are unhappy, I am at a loss for both worlds are in disorder, as the life line saving both has been temporarily (we hope) severed. 

I would tell you about how I wish I could be with them forever. For then my fears of the dark and lonely minutes that accompany it would be eased, as I would no longer be alone. 

I would tell you about how I close my eyes at night with nightmares of the future. Afraid to stay awake for fear of my thoughts, I run to sleep and am slapped back to earth by the nightmares that plaque mi. So I wrestle with the gods of thought and dreams, until dawn comes and I have to resume as usual.

I would tell you about the terrors I feel, when I look into the vast emptiness that is called my future. No plans, no strict ambitions, not direction. Never has it been so empty, and never have I had to wrestle with the enemy called 'Unknown' for this long. There is no 'store away' box big enough to hide this and so I wake to this companion, ever faithfully, everyday. I would tell you about how their smiles and happiness and 'I love you's seem to redeem a part of mi, and I feel like I am....

....I would tell you all these things and more, but there is no you, and neither is there a thing to tell....nothing to tell, no one to tell it to....a lass forgive mi, for I have wasted your time....

She.

A funny weeping heart.

Funny how people believe we to be lovers,
though I know truly what goes on beneath the covers.
Funny how my heart stands firmly in one place,
though my emotions take every turn in the maze but the right,
all ending as the first case.

Funny how you always make mi laugh,
yet the emotion never reaches my heart.
As the fear of loosing you chokes mi like a scarf,
and paralyzed, I try to capture the moment, cause I feel
deep down it would not last.

Funny how I am always with you yet I constantly feel alone,
we talk a lot, but never seem to say anything real.
And though I know I am closest to you this side of the ocean,
it makes mi sad that that knowledge, in reality is nothing but
an illusion.

If I knew the meaning of love, I might say I did you.
If I knew the meaning of happiness, I might say I felt with you.
If I even had emotions, I might try to express for you.
But a lass to mi, these are all elusive.
And so I remain amused by the funny things I see,
from a certain funny weeping heart....

Flip Side

Sometimes I wish I was a star,
so all my troubles and embarrassments
would be behind mi.
For though men would still get to see them,
It would not matter for I would be a million
miles long gone.

But then the troubles did have their turn,
and for the embarrassments, the people did
have their fun
For though man saw them too late,
other stars watched as they occurred.

Sometimes I wish I were a mother,
and my child remained but an infant.
For then it would love mi unconditionally,
and I would not need to prove myself so much,
or try to please so hard.

But then the infant did grow,
and its teenage years did glow.
Then the sweet obsession of old,
now became a delight sometimes so
painful to behold.

Sometimes I wish I were a bird,
with no mind of my own to worry.
For then I would truly believe that all will
be provided in a hurry,
and trust alone rather than try to help.

But then the eagle flies,
and my youngs as meals die.
And I am forced to think,
and worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Sometimes I wish I was the wind,
freely moving in the world as I see fit.
For I would go and see all that my heart pleases,
without worrying about who or what the cost upsets,
or something worthwhile I must do as I move.

But then the storms did come,
and destruction did it cause.
Then the son of man searched for ways,
to curb and put the wind in its place.

Lilith's Game

There once was a girl,
who lived under a spell.
She cried up a well,
but dreamt in a shell.

There once was a girl,
Who rolled down to a cell,
She prayed the guards would tell,
but got to rot in hell..

I once knew of this lady,
fair beauty, quite contrary.
Had the pure smile of a baby,
But the deceitful heart of the enemy.

I once knew of this lady,
who sang more beautiful than the canary.
Her laugh made the males crazy,
But with a blade she produced the grand finale.

There once was a creatress,
Who built worlds of lies.
Men poured in gold and blood at her requests,
While she watched their dieing hearts try desperately to rise.

There once was a seductress,
men named the destroyer.
For they built her a fortress,
while their hearts burned in fire.

The tale of he, Seductive Destroyer

Here lays the heart of that woman,
broken, battered, bruised and forgotten.
Here lays the soul of the man,
wasted, abused and in need of redemption.
They danced with love, child of fate,
and thus their tale of woe unfolded.

Here lay the tears of that woman,
Salty, in abundance, like the dead sea.
Here flows the blood of the man,
slashed in vengeance, the cold dish of revenge.
The fueled and listened to rumored lies, child of fate,
and thus their seal of doom now resounds.

Lilith's Tale

1. Once many moons ago I sat.
And in sitting, I watched.
The vast darkness was still,
Until a crow dropped through my window's door.
Disturbing the peace.
Startled.
2. Most disturbed was I,
for the dark bird was large,
that I had to scoot to accommodate its wings.
'Are you hurt?' I asked,
feeling obtuse as I did.
Startled.
3. 'A thousand years I have flown,
seeking rest from my master.
yet no human but you has asked
'Are you hurt?' in care of my well being.
Startled.
4. My winged visitor sat up,
And I could feel the royalty.
I saw the woman,
I saw the bird,
But never did I see one on its own.
Startled.
5. I got off my seat, not sure of my response.
Never had I faced royalty,
much less one with wings.
The winged guest smiled.
Startled.
6. It was beautiful.
A smile so serene yet captivating,
A smile not human, yet not frightening.
I took a step to it then asked.
'Master you say?'
Startled.
7. It retracted its wings.
The most painful sight I did see.
Then it spoke.
'If Lilith doth tell you a tale,
would the human be opposed to a house guest?'
Startled.
8. It had a name.
Once called the bride of Lucifer.
Once called the first born of the Devil.
Once called first bride to Adam.
And this wished to tell a tale.
I wished to hold....
Startled.
9. The guest walked to I, Lilith was it?
'The tale I know of is of a seductive darkness,
One owned by the destroyer.
should you doth hear, accompany me?'
Startled.
10. Bells of warning did go odd,
But of what they warned I knew not of.
The mystical beauty before me,
was like none other I had seen.
I had to have.
Startled.
11. 'A tale of what do tell?'
My voice hoarse with the flue.
Yes, the flu.
For that it had to be.
As the alternative was Eros,
My morality shot.
Startled.
12. Lilith the being smiled,
and took a seat in my stead.
For one fleeing a master,
mighty comfortable was she.
Startled.
13. 'What is thy master?
What is thy crime?'
Morality of mine, shattered.
'A tale and a house guest are welcome,
though one room alone exists' said I,
in a voice that was not I.
Startled.
14. Lilith smiled and patted her side.
To the floor went I,
like the eager lamb to slaughter.
Voice as silk as honey,
yet of what she spoke I know not of.
Startled.
15. Night to day, day to night.
Until at last time merged with delight.
Lilith the queen had a tale,
And I the sheep gave my ear.
Startled.
16. Wings grew, blacker by day.
Man shrunk, smaller by night.
Feet ached, I looked.
Is that a feather's tail I see?
Her voice calleth,
In silk it doth did, and I responded.
Startled.
17. Master's tale was over,
and now we must leave.
I remember there is something I had wished to do.
Something of a sinful pleasure too.
But there is a journey to ascend.
Master did spread her wings and to the sky we went.
Startled.
18. Once many moons ago I sat,
lost in thoughts till fluttering feathers,
my view did bother.
At my window flew a crow,
Clawing eagerly to get in.
With a smile I rose, and my curtains did I close.
Startled.
How silly. Never did I like crows.

Resvoir Chronicles: My Protective Charm

He broke pieces of his heart and left them as we walked.
I walked behind him, sometimes beside him, and watched
them shatter as they fall.
We got to a great lake and there we stopped,
And I walked back to pick them all while he slept.

They were pretty colors of shades of red,
Glistered in the moon light for all to see.
I would have dropped them but for one thing,
Those pretty little pieces did still beat.

So sorrowful and painful was their tone,
that my heart ached and bleed for him.
So in this box I have gathered and mended,
till they now form one sorrowful beat.

I add each piece as it falls,
remending the parts he has lost.
And until that day when his heart is none,
And he comes to mi with a plea to go on.

Till that day when his heart is none,
and I must return that I have to let him live on.
Within my chains of protective charm,
shall the pieces remain locked, protected, sealed and
Unharmed.

Seductive Illusion

She sits and smiles at the clear blue skies,
In just a moment he would come by,
In just a moment she would look up and smile.
He holds out the flowers and box of chocolate,
Perfect date it seems, till she tries to receive,
and finds out when its too late.
The pictures crumble,
Her smile fumbles.
Suddenly the skies are not so blue,
His image no longer true.
The bell rings and she opens her eyes,
A tear rolls down as she remembers and cries.
Remembers once more her perfect world of lies.
Yet another flirty moment with a seductive illusion.