The trully random me

So my friend sent me this thing on Facebook about writing 25 random things about myself. Facebook is too broad and public so I never write anything that makes sense on there...lol...so I've decided to write ten truly random things you probably would not have guessed about me...

1. I want to...possibly would...find myself living in an apartment with a random guy (no strings attached) and a random kid (again no strings attached). Sort of a 'due to circumstances beyond our control' kinda deal, and they both have to be fine looking...decent. Of course this is against all wishes...

2. I plan on living in Japan for a period in my life, so I am taking a self study in the language. To me, I have two main homes. Nigeria, where I have lived for about 17+ years, and then Japan where I would live for about... those who object, now is the time to be heard...not that it may matter but...lol...

3. Sometimes I think of random things like how do inseparable Siamese twins date or even get married? God made the whole one man one wife rule right, so do they date two separate guys, and if they do, how does that work out...exp with sex and all...just curious...

4. Sometimes I get lost in my own world, talking to myself and reveling in the fantasies I have created in my head. Some people think it is a sign of mental illness, but I gotta tell ya, knowing me, I think I am much saner now than I was a few years back...scary huh? lol

5. I really hate adults who are idiots. They get wrapped up in their own stupidity, totally oblivious to the world around them. Then when they make an idiotic mistake as they are prone to, they rise up and make a declaration of something along the lines of 'because I said so', and expect you to jump at it just cause they are 'adults'.

6. I adore many in my life, but I cant seem to bring myself to be able to use the more popular synonym of the word. Its not that it just creeps me out, but it has a weird effect when I say it, and I just cant say it. Maybe its because I don't believe in the word (not the act in general), or something, but when others say it to me, I either go "You too", "I heart you" or simply smile ever so sweetly and pray to God they leave it at that.

7. I hate talking about myself. Now writing, as long as it ain't a 'Story of my Life' type of deal, I am fine with. I tend to address myself in the third person singular (not sure thats even right), as opposed to I. Meaning I call myself 'Mi' (cross for Yimi and Me. Not Yimi cause someone told me it was bad to address yourself in third person, and not Me cause...well just cause), and its easier talking about Mi like I am talking about some other random fellow.

8. I am Christian and I love the Lord. But then I have a sad tendency to stray so far sometimes, and yes no need to tell me, I know it is not good at all.

9.I am one of those girls who would not be in this world if men were not around, yet I cant stand dating. Odd huh? tell me about it.

10. I am a dangerous game, because I like taking stupid risks with people's minds, just cause. I am an easy complex...because you think you know me, yet you still can't figure me out.

I think these 10 things should do for now...so how do you like it? Find anything shocking???

XOXO
Mi

...Adores...

Here are her words, as she told them so do I, as she felt them so I tell:

I adore the way his hair hides his eyes, shielding whatever emotions he feels inside.
I know he is not happy when that happens, because he doesn't smile and he lets the hair stay that way so I don't see his emotions in his eyes.
I know it is dangerous when he gets that way, but I can't help but adore it. Of course eventually he would raise his head and either yell, say something in a low voice that would stick, or just look at me and walk away. But for the period between his hair coming down and him reacting, time stands still. I feel trapped in some alternate universe, and I adore it there. I get too scared to breathe because I am scared if I do, I would loose that magnificent master piece. That work of art that he is, that being that I know was only made by a genius.

I adore the way he smiles. His face lights up like the Star at the top of the Christmas tree. When he smiles, all I want to do is protect that smile. I could move the world just to keep it that way, because one of those smiles makes me want to live at least another day.
I adore it when he turns as soon as I enter a room and finally smiles. He does'nt have to know I am on my way, but he knows when I walk in, and the smile seems to say "Now my fun can begin". It makes me feel special knowing that when I am not around, then there wont be that smile that I adore, there wont be that grin that makes him look like a kid when it appears, and then my knight as soon as it leaves.

I adore the way he holds me when I cry, gently running his hands through my hair. He wont say 'I told you so' even if he sang the warning like a canary bird's anthem. I adore the way he would whisper in my ears about something totally ridiculous and so off topic I have to think for a second to get what he says, just to get me to laugh. And I adore the look he would have in his eyes when I do laugh, as if saying "finally, my baby is back." He would fix the problem with me without complaining, and smile and make jokes with me when every one else tries to bitch about me making the mistake.
I know I would not do whatever it is again because I would get the hair to cover his eyes, and though I adore the way he looks then, I don't adore it when I caused the pain or anger I know I would see as soon as that alternate universe expires.

I adore the way he reacts when I am in trouble. I adore the way I know he would do everything to get me out of it, especially when it is someone putting me there. I adore the fact that I know I am safe in his arms, and he would...hurt whatever tries to hurt me. Sure he wont commit murder because we are Christians, but he wont sit back and not do anything...because we are Christians...
I adore the way he makes it clear that we belong to each other, and for someone who hates it when others touch his things, it is clear to imagine how he feels when someone touches Me...and no, I am not a thing...

But I don't want the smile alone, or the hair-face affair, or the arms...I want the guy as a whole. I want my Phantom, I want my Knight... I adore the idea of keeping him all to myself...because I know he is a priceless gem...because I know...I know because I am always watching him...I am watching him because I adore him...I adore him because...now if there was an answer to that, it would have long being game over...

Erroneous Games...

There is something I did which I cant say out loud,
That which I did weighs my heart so heavily, I almost want to yell it out.
But each time I try to think it through in my head,
It sounds even crazier thinking about bringing it up.

There is something I did I cant say out loud,
And for the first time in history, I cant write it too.
Yet each time I see those close to me, I try to tell them what I did,
But then I know those words would not make the load any lighter. Just change it.

Ever done something you know would change the way people think of you drastically?
Ever done something you want to keep buried between you, the devil and God?
Ever done something for which you block out the details of, as life is a little easier?
Ever done something you do regret but then not for the right reasons, which makes you question your sanity?

There is something I did that I can't say out loud,
There is something I did that mirrors another act of its own,
There is something I did that I fear might be starting a trend!
And yet while I fear this, somewhere at the back of my mind, I think to myself...
"Oh what a tale it would be if I do tell it,
Oh what a look the would have if they do hear it,
Oh what a game it would be if I do play it...this time till the end..."

Funny thing

So I could not watch the sun rise this morning because Carbondale has too many freaking street lights on at dark, (don't ask why I was up to watch the sun rise...too long a story to tell here), and it got me thinking about the fact that Nigeria and America have a lot of differences. Well I've been thinking about that a lot so whatever.
First off, there is the fact that while in Nigeria the host stands outside to watch the visitor drive off, you know as a sign of wishing them farewell, but here in the state, the guest watches the host walk back into his house. I mean they sit in the car while you walk back in before they drive off, to make sure you get in safe and don't get mugged on the way. That's pretty ironic to me cause back home, its the guy in the car who is in danger of getting mugged at night.
Then of course there is the reason I started this piece, the fact that agberos have stolen just about all the bulbs in the street lights in Nigeria you HAVE to see the sun rise when its dawn. I mean NEPA (well technically its PHCN but NEPA soundsa better) never turns on the electricity anyway, so we generally rely on the natural sources of light, being the sun and the moon. I think it is safe to say that there you damn well have to know when the night is over and the sun starts rising...because then you don't need ot keep your candles on anymore.
Americans have fun. It may be hiking, trick or treat at haloween, or just simply get on a bike and go racing, you know doing something fast. Nigerians sit and watch Americans have fun - in the form of TVs of course...lol
But all in all, with all the differences, I cant pick a side. So I choose earth as my home, and everything in it...all her ironies as well...

Sprung

I wish you would laugh with me again,
I wish you would tell jokes with me again,
I wish you would talk to me again,
I wish you would call me babes again,
I wish you would call me again.

I wish I could roll my eyes at the phone and call you 'sir' again,
I wish I could listen to you talk logic and give me 'fatherly advice' again,
I wish you would try to answer me when I accidentally ask you a 'brain teaser' again,
I wish I could ask you a question again,
I wish I could try to start a conversation with you again,
I wish you would call me again.

I wish I could call you a jerk again,
I wish I could fight with you again,
I wish I could get a conversation 'ender' again,
I wish I could ask you a question again,
I wish I could talk to you again,
I wish you would call me again

I do and I don't...

I don't want to be the only one that can control you,
Because this world is unpredictable,
And I never know when it would be my turn to leave it.
Yet I don't want another to be able to tame you,
Because then I would spend life wondering,
If she is better for you than I am.

I don't want to be second best,
Because then I would feel the need to work for you adoration,
Even though you may get insulted if you hear that.
What people never figure out is that I have an IOU complex,
But I want to be the only one legally allowed to be your burden,
And know and be able to believe that I pay by being there,
Because we know I have to pay...lol

I don't want to stay and stand the chance of getting hurt,
Because I have a feeling my heart is not as strong as it may look,
And that one false move would send it to pieces.
Yet I am tired of being called a 'run away bride',
Sometimes I want to stay and see what it's like,
Get rid of this wondering feeling once and for all.

I don't want to go for days without hearing from you,
Because I am terribly insecure, and my imagination is too active.
I have the single ability to mentally come up with more reasons
than a logical person should in that situation.
Yet I don't want to be the girl whose calls you ignore,
I don't want to be the one always making the first move,
Cause Lord knows I am horrible at that,
And I know at some point I'll start hating you for making me seem like a pest.

So I guess you can safely say I am best where I am now.
Between both doors, standing and smiling.
Sometimes I get sad and lonely, sometimes I am content,
But for now I would rather have both emotional coasters running,
Than walk into one door knowing I might shut down the one I prefer for good.
I am a dangerous game,
I am an easy complex,
But above all else, I am a girl that needs her smile responded to.

Forget me not

Forget me not my darling,
For in the time we have been apart,
I fear that the color of your eyes have grown cold.
So I plead, forget me not my darling,
Forget me not.

'Love Scar"

So I read a manga today called "Love Scar", and the heroine in the story, Sasara, amazingly solved a problem without self sacrificing or hurting someone else to the point of suicide. I have to commend her!! The basic story line was that she fell in love with this kid younger than her, his mother made her 'dump' him, turning the boy, Rin, into a cold male chauvinist, and Sasara into a sad aging woman. She ended up trying to move on by dating one of those men who are overly sweet and nice and treat you like a princess, but then you know you can't fall for them and that hurts, who turned out to be Akira, Rin's big brother. Worse still, she had to get married to him because she felt she couldnt hurt him and Rin hated her. Of course I dont need to say the story went down hill from there. The story behind the break up came to light, Rin was obviously still in love with her, as she was with him, and Akira soon found out about the two of them. But amazingly, she never cheated!! After struggling to be the good wife and choose the path she has taken, an act of self-sacrificing that steadily pissed me off, she figured she couldnt do it. In the end, when I thought she was going to stay with Akira for good, she finally decided it was too much for her to handle. Here was her solution in one day: She had sex with Rin, told him good bye, explaining that she loved him but it would be too cruel to leave Akira and come to him at the moment. Then she went to Akira and asked for a divorce, saying she loved Rin and, I quote, "being his wife and waking up to him daily was painful"...too painful for her to bear any longer and she has decided to leave them both and not choose. Akira said he didnt mind her living with him like that, which I thought was by far one of the dumbest things I've heard anyone say. Translated as: Be sad for my happiness, I dont mind! Really!?! Basically Sasara decided to share the burden of the pain on all three, which I think was the best solution ever.
Do you know pain shared is easier to bear? Instead of carry everyone's burden on herself, she gave it back and found out that her burden was not that painful after all! Of course Akira at first said he wasnt giving her a divorce, which she responded to by saying it didnt matter, she was leaving anyway and that she was wrong so no matter what punishment he decided to give her (in this case no divorce), she could bear. In the end though, he handed the marriage papers to Rin, meaning giving her up to Rin, and walked away. Now I am not saying it is easy to do, but it can be done. When you take a wrong turn and realise you need to get back to the other side, the solution is not to shut yourself and hope to appear at the starting point again, or to continue to wonder and see the 'silver-freaking-lining' in the situation, because quite frankly, if the alternative is still acesible, then there is no freaking silver lining. Just a simple plastic crystal posing as a diamond. It would hurt like hell trying to unwind and untwist the nots you have made to get that far in the dead zone, but think about the breath of fresh air that waits for you at the end or should I say at the begining of the road...what bliss when the ropes tying your hearts are finally undone and you can breathe again? And don't worry, I have done this before so I can say I know the pain and the fear and the uncertainty involved. I can walk in your shoes. But believe me, the only way to treat a wound and prevent it from becoming a painful scar is to open it and clean it out. Leaving it covered only leads to more pain, newer illnesses and in some cases, death!

1012

There are days that hold fond memories for us. For instance, just about the whole world longs for December 25th because that is Christmas day. Or Jan 1st, which is New Years. These days are implanted in our memories, and we love the fact that they are there.
Then there are days that we have implanted in our head, though we wish they would not be there. We wish these days would disappear, as though if they do, then the things that happened would also disappear, and become a bad dream. This is something like December 10th for me.
Every other day of the year, I try to pretend that none of it happened, and that everyone is still going around at their various school, just that we've lost contact. Then on the 10th each year it hits me: The sixty angels are really gone.
I mean I still remember the morning of December 10th 2005 as though it happened the day before. I remember the last thing I ate before boarding my flight, well because my baby made me buy it for her saying that was the last meal she was eating before she went home. I still remember what I was doing when my mum told me the plane had crashed. In fact, I remember the room and the setting to a T, its almost scary.
But then I did not come here to reenact the events that occurred that day from my point of view.
It was hard making myself write this, because that meant returning to reality, which I have so effectively evaded all year. The truth is no matter how hard I try to pretend it never happened, it did. And I miss them.
I miss them everyday because they are no longer here.
I miss them every time because everyone knows it wasn't fair.
I miss them even more because no one still has told me why.
I miss them desperately because their spaces are still empty.
There are times I think "Oh, I should tell him this, he'll laugh with me", and then I remember, he is not here anymore.
We all wish it never happened, but it did.
We all wish there was someone to take the account for their life, but even if that person shows, it wont change the fact that they (Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk), amongst others, are gone.
So on this memorable day, as we do always, I say, R.I.P my angels, we miss you and you are still in our hearts.
I pray, the day will come when the blood of those innocent kids would not have been a waste. I pray the day will come when that country and its many problems that caused that plane crash would be cured
And finally, I do pray that the day will come when some peace would be in our hearts at last.
I guess I am rambling as usual huh?
1012, a day with a significance, one never again to be forgotten...
...Remember me when I am gone away.Gone far away into the silent land;When you can no more hold me by the hand.Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you planned:Only remember me: you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray.Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve: For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had. Better by far you should forget and smile Than you should remember and be sad...
~ Christina Rossetti

Rats

No matter what team you play for, the good or the bad, there is one common sin that is taboo: Betrayal. This is why when Robert Ford murdered Jesse James, he did not get an applaud from the world as he had hoped for, but got a silver, and yes I know it was silver, bullet in the head from the 'good' team. This is why when Judas Iscariot ratted out on Jesus, he did not live long enough to enjoy even one piece of the silver he got in the end. Even the Pharisees despised him. Sure enough the disciples would not have killed him and would have forgiven him because Jesus thought them to, but to live with them, knowing that each time they looked at him, thought about him or mentioned the name Jesus, it would always be added "and Judas betrayed him", was a heavier burden than death seemed to be. Betrayal is a seed from the same tree as murder, because you kill the betrayed in some form or the other. It is also not worth the grieve and heart ache you suffer as payment, no matter what the promised reward was. How do you sleep in the same house (as guest or other), eat together, laugh together and cry together with a person and turn around to hurt them INTENTIONALLY? This is why you don't blame the man who shot his wife and best-friend when he found them together in bed. That's taking two knives in the heart at the same time, most people die from that! At first everyone would be mad that he murdered them, but then after a while, he becomes the victim, and his sins are forgotten. Now I am not telling you which side you are to walk on, because God knows I am not qualified to do that, but when you do choose, stick to it.
Don't try to walk the line or be the 'good guy' in the 'bad guy's squad' or the 'bad guy' in the 'good guy's squad', because even if you live to tell the tale, no one would trust you. Your team won't for obvious reasons, the other team won't, well because you have 'traitor' stamped on your forehead. And please, please, please, whatever you do, don't self sacrifice. Don't tell me "someone has to do it" so therefore you decide to take it upon yourself to pull the trigger knowing you would be hated by the world for it even though you did them a favor, because lets face it, that's why the cops are there (and 'cops' here could be authority figure in any form depending on the situation). They already took an oath with the hidden message: "I'm gonna play savior and be the do the shitty job no one wants" and so there is no reason for you to do their job. Everyone knows the truth, but no one wants to say it. Deciding to say it would mean becoming an outcast. But then we need the truth in life.
Solution?
Mankind created official 'traitors' just like designated drivers. You hate them because they don't drink with you, they think they are better than you and you think they judge you every time, but then deep down you know you love them. Sure you may not show it from time to time, but when you are drunk (or with cops in trouble), they are the first ones you call. Now un-designated drivers who take on the jobs or designated drivers simply piss you off because you KNOW for a fact this time that they are judging you and don't drink with you and think they are better than you, except this time, you did not give them permission to do so.
I think I am ranting.

So basically, betrayal is being an 'amebo' as Nigerians would say. Doing a job you are not asked to. If the authorities had killed Jesse James, he would have gone down in history as a criminal. But since Rob did us the favor, he went down in history as the victim of betrayal. Which is an automatic 'get out of jail' free card for anyone, no matter what kind of shit you have attached to your name.

I think the point I tried to make in the above bla..bla..bla..would be: Don't be a Rat, cause no one likes rats.