Disturbed

Voices in her head,
louder,
louder.
'Fake' he says,
She knows it already.
A fraud.
No reason to have a constant national anthem of that playing.
She is fake.
It disgusts her.

Scared.
Terrified of her real self.
Who wouldn't be?
She sits there.
She can see her.
Sitting,
Watching.
A blur really.
But those piercing eyes are clearer than anything.

Hate.
Envy.
For them she feels.
They are free.
No voices,
No guilt.
They are real.
Can't kill them.
Can't join them.
He laughs always cause he knows she would never reach them.

Voices.
Louder.
Not Night as she thought.
Night doesn't hate her so.
Faceless.
He is back.
Brutally honest.
Her mirror.
He would bleed the truth out of her not to help her, but for his pleasure.

Heartless.
Soulless.
Maybe he hates her.
Maybe she hates him.
Yes she hates him.
Yes he hates her.
She tells him always.
He smiles back always.
But he would never voice it out no matter the cause.

Cut.
Remove.
Pull out.
He won't leave.
No matter how many parts she cuts.
He won't leave.
He said three major ones.
First two too painful.
Could not continue.
Too long ago.
And now she's said too much and so people would notice.

Tears.
She won't shed.
He would win.
He can't win.
Suicide.
She won't die.
Cause he would take the credit.
He would win
He can't win.
So she must endure it till she finds another saving grace.

Voices.
Help.
Don't.
Fake.
Fraud.
She disgusts herself.
So she hates her too.
He knows.
So he stays.
He stays.
She he torments.
He torments.
Voices...she yells but no one hears...caged with him forever her heart bleeds...

What if...

He keeps his heart in a cage. Locked up, safe, secure. He loves not, hates not, trusts not, believes not. He is neither happy nor is he sad, neither joyful nor sorrowful.
But she manages to get into the cage, and after much care and tenderness, frees the heart and lets it fly. Now he loves, he hates. he trusts, he believes. But most of all, he feels pain...
"A heart once held, can no longer live alone"
He falls for her, and she for him. And as all sad tales go, the end up sleeping together. Then he finds out she is his younger sister.
The one person he trusts, loves and lives for...

What happens now?

Lets talk divorce - Do they qualify? There was no 'unfaithfulness' so it would be called a sin for them to divorce right?
Lets talk incest - Can they really be accused of that? They had no idea until afterward that they were of the same blood.
Lets talk kids - Well oh damn, what is another tragic addition to the mix gonna hurt? Ho do you say 'oh mum and dad are siblings, same way you guys are'?

Now his heart, now a flight, suddenly has its wings clipped. It falls, in no gentle way, and is crushed by the overwhelming feeling of pain that it had been skillfully protected from. Worse still, the cage is no more.
"A heart once held can no longer live alone"
He cannot go back to that cage because once it opened and was emptied, it disappeared. Each cage can only be used once see. Another has to be built and that takes time...at least to get one strong enough to counter or match the previous one.
Originally, in the place of the cage, she stood.
But she cannot help. As strong as she is, she is still but only 'human'. She too would be damaged by the news. She too would hurt from it. And she too, sadly, might have her wings clipped off...

So I ask you the same question they asked Mi, what happens now?

Spoiler: A Million Stars Falling from the sky...

Oh for fuck's sake, can all movies/series/anime/manga sites be made to have a category called 'tragedy', so I don't have to waste my life watching something that would end with a Romeo and Juliet theme or one left in the world????
My friends say I get too involved in my movies and all that...the problem is my life is already a fantasy and I like to keep it that way. So anything that is 'happily-ever-after' oriented is welcomed in. I have made it a personal decision to stay away from anything that brings reality too close. That is why tragedies, which are based on the sad aspects of life, are a no go.
Why the rant?
I just watched a Japanese series called "A million stars falling from the sky". Imagine my almost heart attack when I found out, by accident, during a search for a part of episode 8, that it was a tragic ending that awaited me!?!?!
I mean from the way it was going originally, I figured it would be a "Death Note" deal you know? The bad guy gets caught in the end, bla, bla, bla...but seriously, what the fuck was up with that ending!?! By the end of episode 7, I had the entire story figured out and I was like "Fuck my life..." I have a problem see, when I start something, I have to finish it. If I don't finish it, I get uncomfortable, get a migraine, get itchy...almost like an allergic reaction. So yeah, I have to finish it. In summary, I watched the story knowing fully well what would happen at the end.
But it wasn't all bad though. Oh no...at least it was the best solution among all the many dandy choices tragedy gives. Yes, yes...they both died. If that girl, who decided to stop thinking as soon as she finally got the boy, had not shot herself after killing the reason I was watching that series to begin with, then I would not have forgiven her!
If it isn't clear, yes I do blame her for what happened...at least most of it. (Of course if that baka of a Kan-chan had told us from the beginning she was that man's kid, life would have been easier). But back to the girl.
You cannot coax a caged heart into trusting you and coming out, just to let it fly beside you solo! She said it herself, he had forgotten how to fly, so why, oh why would she expect him to be able to fly on his own just cause his heart was out of the cage???
I know this cause...
I mean all she had to do was ask ne? Talk to him like she used to... and what happened to all that bs about believing in him, protecting his heart, and etc....in the end, as soon as she heard from that busy body of an おばばあちゃん, Kotoko-chan that, of course all this info was hear-say from yours trully's imagination, that her brother - fake - had killed her lover - real brother-'s father, she flipped and decided the one she wanted to protect in the end was not the one she claimed originally!
And why the hell did she pull the trigger!?!? He was fucking shedding tears for crying out loud! Stop and think...when has Ryo EVER cried before!?!?! She had literary never seen this boy cry! Yet when she was before him, crying out accusations and making declarations about protecting her 'brother', and he began to cry, she who for 10 episodes had been the master at reading his true thoughts and getting what he really wanted to say, suddenly went dumb and did not understand what now became too clear it was almost stupid!!!
Oh but of course our little princess could not have done it all alone. Oh now. Ryo, that bastard who could not decide if he wanted to be good or bad, just had to become human, and the worst kind, at the end. Self-sacrifice for crying out loud! How could he decide that that was the best option!?!? I really don't know which of the idiot siblings pissed me off the most!
Really, as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free...
It's been a while since I have had such an intrusion and been this pissed! I have now succeeded in giving myself a migraine as well...
も　いい　です!　おやすみ！

Insane Child 101...

So I think I am driving myself slowly yet surely, closer and closer to insanity. One of the many ways I am trying to accomplish this, is the fact that now I am worried and terrified about my dream - which is what it is as of now - to go to graduate school in Japan and study IR. Of course the fact that I do want to go there in the first place, to some, is a sign of insanity already, so there is that. But since I long stopped giving a flying ass about what people think, that is not a tag on my insanity spill...lol...

I got a book about going to graduate school, but half way through, It felt weird reading it. Plus I still have no idea what 'research' plan I want to do when I get in. Of course lets not forget that my legendary dream school would be none other than the International University of Japan, which so happens to be on the top 50...yup...in the world! So technically, yours truly is aiming for an ivy-leagueish school...

Did I forget that my dearest papa knows nothing of all these plans? As far as he is concerned, his 。。。, *cough* I mean daughter, is going into the School of business probably (though she is under the illusion that she wants criminology), in the United States...Ivy-league too. Well at least we both are on point on the Ivy-leagueness of the school. lol

Then there is the fact that I cant stop thinking. Like for a second, I just cant. Something always pops up. It seems like my 'to-do-list' keeps getting longer and longer, and the more I try to get the things done, the more the pages turn...like "oh don't relax yet, there are a few more things left"...and no, it is definitely not the regular 'to do list' that humans have...no, no...mine is special...lol.

And then there is 'he who must not be named', who, for reasons I cannot fathom, can't shut up long enough for me to even think straight, and won't leave...well more like cannot leave, so I am stuck with him for God-knows how long! I cannot decide which is worse, the constant yapping, or the permanently "I know you are gonna have a near break down soon" look on his face...

Maybe I should...I don't know...I really don't know...right now though, I have to go study. Sure I aced the last test without a lot of review, but I am pretty sure, from experience, miracles happen once in a while...

Bleeding

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let me see the crimson color of sin,
that lies beneath your smooth skin.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your heart.
Let me bask in the sorrows it encompasses,
and watch you struggle to weep with a soundless voice.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out your soul.
Let me see the scars that appear each time they speak,
and watch them form a gaping hole as they spread.

Bleed for mi,
Bleed out for mi.
Let it all out from the slit.
For then alone, at the sight of red, would I recall that you are human.

Both sides of the coin

I adore your smile.
The way it starts, spreads, lights up and brightens the world.
I abhor your smile.
The way you let it out, hide your feelings and lie to the world.

I adore your laughter.
It's gentle sound, characteristically unique, in a cute way.
I abhor your laughter,
It's icy state, cold and uncaring, a response to all things.

I adore your voice.
Smooth and silky, seductive when you want it to be.
I abhor your voice.
Easy and always, destructive all but when you are in a fantasy.

I adore your fingers.
Gorgeous and delicate, a beauty to behold.
I abhor your fingers.
Cutting and touching, easily doing damage to your soul; uncaring.

I adore your eyes,
Sensuous and seductive, they can bring a player to the point of game over.
I abhor your eyes.
Devilish deceiver, Oh if only looks could kill.

I adore your life.
Pampered and un-lacking. Being broke was never in your DNA.
I abhor your life.
Leashed and chained. Your comfort comes at the price of freedom.

I defy the laws quite bravely,
Because in you, i get both sides of the coin.

Aimless

Is it even possible for a normal person to be bored though they are supposedly very busy with a lot of shit to do?
Well I guess there is no big shocker there...the fact that I find time to be permanently bored and sick of life, and in need of something to do when I have classes, homework, movies and all the etcetera humans tend to call 'activities', just goes further to show that I am too complicated for even 'life' itself to figure out.
lol
My friend asked me last week what my 'aim' was... for the summer at least, not in life.
I swear to you that I was silent for exactly sixty seconds.
Blank.
Blank..
Blank...
I had no response to that.
I flashed back and realized shockingly that a few months ago, unknowingly to me, I became a robot. My life was programmed by many forces, and 'mi' was put on the shelf. Like I took a vacation or something, forced one at that, and my life has been on auto-pilot since then. Worse still, I have no freaking clue how to turn that off.
Plus even if I find the switch, when I turn it off, I am inevitably going to be faced with the question "now what?" And since I am yet clueless, my life would come to an alarming halt.
In case you can't tell from my tone of alarm above, that is some freaking scary shit!!
WTF is going on with mi?
Oh but my sudden blank state is not even the very scary part...oh no. As sick and twisted as I have become, that would just be too easy.
No, no.
The scariest part is that I am neither content, comfortable nor scared of this current state. I don't even give a shit...I feel...NOTHING!
zilch, nada, betsuni....no fucking thing (PMF)...
Oh of course except the boredom...that one I can't get rid of...
So what do you do when you find out that your life, for a while now, has had no aim????
I guess it would be a lie to say I feel nothing...but saying I feel amused by the situation simply goes further to confirm how fucked up in the head I have become...(PMF).
So for fear of becoming psycho, I earnestly seek an aim...at least for this summer...

Blank Roses

You wait eagerly for dawn,
and as soon as the day breaks,
you await the night fall with even more longing.

You are like that silly teenage girl, who just had her first crush.
You stand impatiently waiting for him to pass by,
on his way to life of course.
And once he passes by, you instantly await his return,
moving by you, once more, on his way again.

So in that second between night and day,
In the time when the world is neither here nor there,
Neither light nor dark,
I choose to tell you this,
as your attention is waver-able.

Waiting, longing, wishing, hoping...wanting...
Doesn't it bother you that you continue this pattern knowing not what you die slowly for?
Does it not make you sad to follow through with this daily?
It sickens me to have to watch you so.
Like a junkie, you chase after the next high.
Well aware of the implications after the buzz is gone.
Aimless, you wonder the earth, simply doing things because one told you to.

In case you were not aware,
I do loathe you.
I loathe the way you have perfected your fake smiles for the world;
While inside, behind closed doors, I am forced to watch you wither in the abject misery you have dumped yourself and cannot escape.

I do loather you.
I loathe the fact that you neither laugh nor cry.
You simply sit, and in sitting, wait.
With each day and each night that pass,
you simply watch.
Then at it's dawn,
You pause...
Wait...
And then gently sigh.
As if to say 'Ah, not here yet? Well maybe at the next turn."
What the hell is it you wait, pathetically, for?
I cannot even ask you this, because you yourself are at a loss.

Yet as much as I seem to despise you,
I cannot leave you.
It is not merely because we are bound to each other.
Maybe because I do need you?
I fear that abandoning you would kill you,
and that it is a fate I too would not survive.
Our hearts only beat as one...when it does beat...
I want you all to myself, yet near you,
I want you far from me.

So I guess we are alike in our indecisiveness.
Just yours puts us in a blank dark world.
Unable to move forward or backwards, we remain lost.
Watching life and waiting for...I guess...a part of life.
This state I clearly despise...and I feel deep down, do you too.

I adore and abhor you,
You adore and abhor Mi.
But this knowledge does make us the safest for each other, does it not?
You for Mi,
Mi for you.
Thy peace art mine,
As mine art thine...or the lack of it there of.

Her Own World

The world she created, the world she was forced into.
The world she dreads, the world; her safe haven.
the world she adores, the world she abhors.
The world she constantly wants to flee from, the world she never wants to leave.
The world she was free from, the world she was chained to.
The world she watched, the world she stared in.
The world she longed for, the world she had.

This was it.

This was her tragedy, this was her beloved.
This was her blessing, this was her curse.
This was her creation, this was her destruction.
Of what world do I speak,
if not of her own world?

MI

...Still heart...

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs.
When tears are shed,
she sheds some too;
But hers are strangely of joy....not the emotion,
Just the laughter that embodies it.

In their pain,
She is at a loss.
She cant seem to come up with a way to console,
Because while they cry tears, possibly bleeding from the heart,
She is in awe of their emotions.

She listens and gazes in wonder,
Almost happy and giddy, fighting back the constant urge to laugh,
Which seems more of the beast than a beauty at times...
Waltzing before her, seeming to taunt her as it moves.

How is it that they can cry so freely and release their pain,
Yet she remains trapped as she is,
Doomed to not feel, and when she does seem to feel,
To only laugh? For when she tries hard to free her emotions,
She is sent back to the day they died.
As though cursed with only two choices:
To stay as she is, or return to when she stopped.

The pain is unbearable,
Like a knife twisting through her heart,
Seeming unable to decide if it should kill her or let her live.
Yet to feel again she must start from there,
Like time there froze, awaiting her return.

But the worst times are when they shed those tears,
And when she cares for them as best as she is capable,
But is unable to render any form of comfort to them in those times.
For weird and sad as it seems, her first instinct is to laugh when they cry!
And no, this is not in spite or in jest, for in her own way, she feels their pain.
But that is the only emotional symbol that remained unchained
So though she laughs, it does not mean she is happy,
For by no means is that so!

One asked if there was one thing she couldn't do,
That seemed to fascinate her.
For how do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
I simply cannot be happy?
How do you answer that for all the many wonders I can perform,
The act of feeling is but a mystery to me?

In fear she smiles,
In pain she laughs,
Is there no other way to free her from this blissful-doom,
Than the other alternative which seems so intent on killing her with each try?