Fair v Unfair

Funny how I ask to leave, at the appropriate time, and I get turned down. But then when it becomes too hard for everyone, like I thought it would be, when it becomes too congested for everyone, like I knew it would be, they all decide, maybe now is the time to flee. They all decide maybe being together is no longer conducive, and leaving is a good idea. 

Cute right??

Did anyone ever think it might be hard for mi now?? Did anyone ever think making mi stay when I didn't want to, making mi try to make it work when I didn't think it was a good idea, then telling mi to let it go might be just a little bit overly emotional for mi. 

Cruel she said.

Ya, maybe I'm cruel. Since in the end, I'm the one who is called cruel. In the end, I'm the one who needs to make random explanations. In the end, I'm the one who has to apologize to make everyone feel better. In the end, I'm the one who has to let it go and try and make it better. I do get hurt, but in the end, it doesn't really matter cause I'm the cruel one. 

Its my fault though. I'm the one who keeps expecting so much from people, I'm the one who gets hurt when that expectation is not met. I'm the one who trusts infinitely. I'm the one who gets hurt when that trust is broken. I'm the one who accepts all friends, and I'm the one whose friend gets told, in so many words, she is un-welcomed. 

I'm the one that pushes everyone away. I'm the one alone, like I knew from the start. I'm the one thinking 'maybe I could have endured a little bit, maybe I could have pretended I was fine for a little longer'. I'm the one that keeps writing and conducting the research on the fact that 'everyone leaves'.

I'm the one who is always right.

This time, before and probably next time.

Funny thing is, I'm still the one who would be asked what went wrong, held accountable and blamed, I'm still the one who would be called 'selfish' in the end. 
Maybe I really am selfish.
Maybe I really am cruel. 
Maybe I really deserve to be put here over and over.
In the end....

It's all mi in the end. 

lol, I should stick to South-east Asia, at least I understand them a little better. 

Cages

A wounded cat trapped in a four-walled space,
She runs around, fighting the claustrophobia, trying to pretend she is in the wild.
A wounded cat trapped and cornered,
They surround her, taking more of her freedom, draining more of her air.

Her natural instinct is to run,
Run and go nurse her wounds as she reunites with her freedom.
Trapped and cornered, she has no place to go.
Trapped and cornered, she has only one response.

Her natural instinct is to fight,
Lash out and hurt until her corner becomes a space and her space, freedom.
But it hurts her to fight so won't you set her free??
But it deepens her wound to fight so won't you let her be??

They say its selfish of her to want to be free,
She hurts others by wanting to be free.
But it hurts her to stay and not be free,
It hurts her to stay cornered and not run free.

But they won't let her go,
They won't let her be free,
They won't let her breathe,
So she must remain caged, wounded until one side breaks.

Death of a Flower

And the flower was spotted, 
it was watered,
it was nourished. 
It grew tall and handsome. 

Strong and swayed with the wind. 

And the flower blossomed, it was beautiful. 

We all loved it, we all admired it. 

We all wanted to stand next to it. 

Then the flower died.

It was pretty,  full of brightness the other day, and now it is no more.

It was envied, standing tall with pride, and now its is no more.

It was protected, surrounded by love and affection, and now it is no more.


And the flower was born, lived and grew.
And the flower was born, grew and died. 


And the flower was. 

....When he doesn't turn....

She stands by the window,
staring out.
It's windy outside, she notices,
'He would be cold' she thinks and smiles. 


She makes a bet with Mi,
a silly one to be honest.
No was an option, she didn't take it,
'If he cares, he'd look', we agree. 


I watch her lean in towards the window,
she touches it lightly.
We both know the outcome, silly bet. 
'Like watching a train wreck' she says and smiles. 


He comes out and pulls his hoody tighter,
she smiles the 'I-told-you-so' smile.
He walks to the parking lot and searches for his car,
she smiles the 'I-knew-it' smile.


He gets in his car and drives off,
she says a quick safety prayer.
I look at her, pained by the sadness in her eyes.
'Its not a win when you're on the same side' I say.


A silly bet,
A silly bet that was. 

...Dear Tasha...

My dear Tasha,

Do you know the sun did not shine today?

No, not in her lovely way!

For the skys have blocked her rays,

And earth is no longer in tune with her ways.

Both inside and outside, all is quit.

Not peaceful, more like a dark, cold night!

Feels like a bad omen,

Much worse than the nightmere.

Oh Tasha, where are you?

Is it true that your world too is blue?

For we here view your world as paradise,

but if it is blue, am afraid there would be none to still our cries!

And all we'd have left is....






....to be continued....

Chess Pieces.

These are the last words of warning I would say to you.

From here on out, I have no idea how life would play out for us. I would not lie to you- I am not scared, but I think that you should be though. I think that you should be terrified.

My little rival-kitten.

Do you know how to play chess? Well even if you say no, we both know with the mind games you play, 'yes', is the more reasonable answer. 

You've picked mi as your opponent. I feel you should know, I never loose. And in this game of ours, there are no foul moves. Everything is fair game. 

So come at mi with all you've got. Don't be afraid. I bite, but you said you can take it. Come at mi with all you've got, because I'd be doing the same and some.

And when we are done, the last words on your lips would be my name.

And when we are done, the last words from mi would be 'I told you so'. 

Happy Ending.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

And that other girl is she.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

The girl does not know it.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She has seen this situation before.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She was the girl in the last situation.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

'Is this reverse Karma??' She asks.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

The girl thinks of she as a friend.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She does not know what she thinks of the girl.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

She feels a little guilty.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

But like watching a train wreck, she cant stop.

There is a boy talking to a girl and another girl.

Theres about to be two out of three happy endings. 

The Mother

Just watched this Korean movie (yes I do that a lot these days, moving on) based on the story of the Korean Serial Killer Yoo Young Cheol. Overlooking the fact the case was all levels of disturbing, I'd focus on the fictional aspect in the movie. His last victim was a prostitue who, despite being tied up and had received a blow to her head, escaped from the house and tried to get help. In all this, I was amazed by her strength - the strength of a mother. Obviously no one wants to die, but still in all she went through, the only thing she kept thinking about was her daughter alone in the house. 

Mothers are amazing. I mean that goes without saying. But the bond and protective nature of a mother truly amazes mi. Like the wild cats, their natural instinct is to protect their young with a vengeance like no other.  No matter how strong the opponent is, when it comes to keeping her young safe, a mother would go all out. It is the natural instinct. 

Which is why it truly amazes mi to hear stories about women who harm their children. I mean, how hard must that be for them?? It's hard to do things out of character, not to speak of things against ones nature. I think that might be a reason for the depression most women who hurt their children feel. It's like a right handed person trying to write with his left for whatever reason. It is so hard, and when it cannot be helped, often times painful. It leads to frustration and depression. Why would someone, experiencing all these things, continue to put themselves through it?? 

Is the answer 'I couldn't help myself' really sufficient in this case - where nature is the true opponent??

The Road Not Taken....

Would I be a bad Christian if I say I believe in the existence of an alternate reality? I don't think so. Call it whatever you like: Alternate universe, parallel line, other side of the coin...it doesn't matter. The fact remains, I think, that there is a parallel universe running at the same time ours is. I think it is basically the other story if you had gone the opposite route. Because now, there are always two answers to a question: A or B. Some say there is a C, D and even down to Z, but ultimately, something happens or something does not happen. So there are only two sides.


I play bubble breaker on my phone a lot, and I figured something out. Each time you make a move, it upsets the path of the game and takes you down a different lane. If you undo, you get back to that path and can take a different route, changing the game in yet another direction. So if the original path you took turned out to be unfavorable, then you can turn around and try something else. Wish life were that simple?


Well it could be and it could not be. 
People say I think a lot. But I figured that may only be because we don't have the 'undo' move in reality. Everything is set in stone, and man is yet to find a way to get back and change the path taken. But asume for a second there is an alternate universe. That means there is a you that made the other choice. The fact that that choice exists and you thought about it means there is a script written for that path. If there is a script and the play is in motion, that means there are actors. If there are actors, that means that path was also taken. And since the 'you' you know took the path you took, and both scripts were written for you, is it unreasonable to think the other 'you' took the other path and got a different outcome??

Fated Love

    Just watched a Korean movie (won't give the name to avoid spoiling it for those who might see it) that involved two star crossed lovers who, in my opinion, defied fate, and forced themselves together. They started off as both guys, but A couldn't handle the pressure from people and broke it off. B was so distraught, and after a lot of in betweens - involving him joining the army, getting raped several times cause he was super girly - he had a sex change and became woman (the woman that acted as him was too gorgeous by the way). However, a series of murders ensued - involving those who had raped B, and B became the suspect. A, now a cop, began searching for B. When he found him, now her, B turned out to be his current girlfriend. So even now that A and B were okay in the eyes of everyone, they still couldn't be together because B was now a 'murderer' (though whether or not he was the true killer in the end still remains a mystery. The movie ends rather ambiguously, and the jury is still out on that matter). Rather than get caught by the police - B for 'murder' and A for both aiding and abetting and, as it turns out, murder (he killed the last of the rapists) - the two did the ever famous Shinju or 'Lover's Suicide'. 

    I know the story is rather confusing, but its not so complex in the actual film. Anyway, this got mi thinking about the cycle of love. What kind of force, so powerful, it drives one to defy all grounds, including fate, for another?? As both guys, they could not be together because it is 'immoral'. I am not going to comment on the issue of homosexuality before this turns into a verbal war, but I think its so sad they had to be persecuted simply because they chose to 'love' each other. 

Then B went as far as becoming female just to stop the persecution. Fate, however, was not on their side. B had to have gotten raped prior, and was now the suspect of the murders A was investigating. Once more, in the eyes of society, their 'love' was immoral. And so the two chose to die together. 

    It seemed to mi their 'love' was originally not written in the stars. yet they believed in this 'love' so much so that the chose to die together rather than live apart. So I ask, this force called 'love', why is it worth so much, than one would chose the unknown in death, over an existence save 'love'?? Many people would say I have never been in 'love' so I won't know. Granted I did come close to it once, and that hurt like hell. Why would I then go so far for something that seems to mi, from several indications, to hurt more often than not?? They say when you find 'true love', you are happiest. But from what I've seen, the quest to find 'true love' is like playing the lottery. 99% of the time you don't get lucky, and you get broker and broker as the game goes on. Yet you continue to play in the hope that the next one is the right one. Can't that be classified as a senseless battle??

    Granted, it can be argued that finding 'true love' is a risk, like playing the lottery is a risk, and whats life without risks?? But not all risks are so heart wrenching. Fine, the really good things in life are the onces you have to take the bigger risk for....but at the same time, the damage you get from 'love' seems more deadly than that from other risks, as well as less worth the possible benefit....

But then again, everyone might be right in saying I won't know till I am in the same position.