He's Back

He sent mi a message, and I forgave him.
I haven't heard what he has to say. He said he would explain. he doesn't know I have forgiven him, but the speed at which I did annoys mi.
I could have tried to stay mad.
It's like I can't be mad at him, and that annoys mi. Even more annoying is the fact that it seems I forgave him for mi, more so than for him.
But I won't tell him. And I can't see his face. Because he would know.
He probably already knows, but my pride needs some sort of balm. He doesn't need to know any more than he already does, how much I....

He's back and I think I have mixed feelings.
 Kryptonite.
xo

Japan: Last Moments

Today marks exactly a month till my departure from Japan. Japan has been my home in my heart for years, and in all sense of the word this past year. Living here this last year, has felt like being on a retreat. 

I've laughed, learned new things, discovered myself, learned to love myself and gained my confidence back.

I've learned I love living alone, but I hate eating alone. 

I've learned I think children are adorable, as long as they don't come in a mob.

To be honest, the thought of leaving scares mi. Worse than after SIU. I'm not only leaving without a firm plan in place, but the safety, seclusion and tranquility I've come to love about my home. The friends and family I've adopted. And the thought that I won't come live here again. 

But still happy to being visiting the many places lined up. 

Happy to have had all those experiences. 

And mostly happy God saw it fit to let mi experience it all. 

No Regrets. Ever. 

Vengeful

I run and run.
Faster.
Faster.
But it seems the farther I go, the closer she appears.
Mocking me.
Teasing me.
The vengeful wench.
Loving none.
Respecting none.
Fearing none.
She has the power to take.
And take she does.
Never satisfied.
Forever hungry, she takes.
She takes until there is nothing left to take.
And then she takes some more.
Laughing in my face.
Bitter.
Uncaring.
Faster.
Faster.
I run and run.

Home

If I was to honestly answer, I'd say yes. Yes, I miss home. 

I miss the people, I miss my things, my books, my life. 

They say 'home is where the heart is'. That would explain why my chest hurts. It's missing the heart. 

My heart is home. Only problem is home for mi, doesn't have one address. 

Home for mi, is where the people I love and miss are. Only problem is, they don't have the same country code. 

So it hurts. It's lonely. And sometimes like today, it makes mi want to cry. 

And the month ends....

Right now, I'd rather be mad at you than feel sad like I am. Cause being mad means I did't expect what you did, so it hurt. But being sad means somewhere in my heart I knew/suspected you would, wished you would prove mi wrong, but you didn't. It hurts even more. 

The truth is I really want to call you. I really want to hear your voice and talk to you. Well, more like listen to you talk, and seeing you happy. You're always happy, and that happiness always make mi feel better. 

But I can't. I can't because if I do, there are only two ways the inevitable conversation will go, and I hate both. Either you'd still not remember, which would hurt like hell; or you'd give some excuses that'd hurt even more. 

Did you know?? In years past, I always indirectly reminded you, for fear of you possibly forgetting. And now, the year I tried to have faith, you completely go as I feared. 

Lol. Someone seeing this may misunderstand, but oh well. I stopped caring a while back so....

Night

The month is finally over huh....was a long one.

Broken Record

There are some friends that make you feel like an addict and a begger all blended into one. 

An addict cause you feel the need to keep them in your life, you can't live without them you seem to think. Though unsaid, it's clear your more obsessed with their existence than they are yours. You try to quit them, but like a broken junkie, you keep relapsing. You try to stay away. 

'Maybe if I don't call this week, they'd notice and call mi'. Never happens. You barely make the week before you call; terrified that the silence would make you nonexistent in their lives. 

A begger because it seems you grovel for  their attention. You're ecstatic when they contact you on those rare occasions. Like Christmas came early and Santa chose you as 'Best Kid of the Year'. 

You beg them to keep in touch, all the while hating yourself slowly because you know they don't even realize what they are doing - the worst bloody aspect of the entire issue. 

Then they do something unfathomable. Like forgetting your birthday for instance. The one day you have always held dear; because no matter what, you know it is the God given day you can get your much desired fix. Your conversation with them. But they forget. 

With all the social media, you can't even find the usual excuses you make to justify their actions. 

They forget, and rather than being mad, you find yourself sad and disappointed. Mostly in yourself. It isn't a first - only before, you preempted the situation and performed damage control by reminding said person indirectly. 

Now you sit here wondering if 'friendship' is really the word to describe this dysfunctional relationship. 

You sit here, silently hoping they call - though it's been days. Cause like a love sick puppy, you'd forgive them anything as you both know in this relationship, you need them more. 

You know what I'm talking about, right?? No?? Well aren't you just the f'kn perfectly whole human?? 

Let the Little Children Come....

Most beautiful thing I've watched all day (link below). The only people on earth that deserve 100% happiness are babies in my opinion, because they alone can claim absolute innocence. They are too pure and beautiful to begin their lives tainted by the sting of abandonment. 

Definitely opening an orphanage some day. As soon as I can find a way to get an international location.... or just work for an international organization. That way, I get to help around the world, as I consider myself a citizen of earth.

Ok time for bed.... 

xo

The Drop Box (For babies)

Forgotten Fears

I walked into work today to find a note on my desk. The teachers asked mi to write about my JHS days. They wanted a fond memory, a shameful memory, a funny story, my club and my nickname. Innocently they had asked, but as soon as my eyes set on that sheet of paper, I felt a sudden fear grip mi. 

JHS for mi held no fond memories as far as I can remember. In fact up to SS1, I don't remember anything fond. But I believe thats because I had such a bad time and it clouded my memory. For some reason I posted a status on facebook, asking about JHS memories, and to my amazement, people responded with the simplest things. Things like visiting day, being sent by seniors on impossible errands, going on report.... I realized thinking about JHS doesn't have to be as daunting as I thought. I could still share some funny stories that happened to the general student body, without necessary depressing everyone with my less than happy almost attention-seeking-sounding tales. The things we learn daily still amaze mi.

xo

BLESSED IN YOU

Memorial Song as promised. I'd record the tune on my keyboard sometime later and post it for those interested :)

Enjoy!!

St 1: Like a shooting star

You shot into my world.

In a little while

You changed the shape of my stars

And just as I was

Try’to adjust

To the new light you shined in my world

St 2: Like a little dove

You flew out of my life

I had no say

Just had to take it that way

Now that we’ve both, gone our separate ways

Got just one last thing to say

Chrs: Thank you

For giving me love

For teaching me to live each day as my last

Thank you

For giving me hope

For letting me know that some day, some how, some where in time

I was actually blessed by God through you.

St 2: So many things

I’d love to ask and know

Like how or why

Or what actually went wrong

And just as I was

Tryna begin

I saw there were no answers for me

St 3: So many times

I’d love to see your face

To hear you laugh

Or see the twinkle in your eyes

But now that I know, that cannot be

 Got just one last thing to say

(CHRS)

Brdg:

You gave me love – that’s why I’m stronger

You gave me faith – in a haven away

You gave me your shoulder – when I was in tears

You gave me a reason to smile with a brand new day

You were my friend, my brother, my sister

You were the love of my life

You were my helper, my comfort my strength,

That’s why am strong enough to say

(CHRS) 2x

I was actually blessed by God…

through… you.

Giving Thanks - December 10th

A few hours ago, I thought this post was going to be depressing, considering the fact that I just heard of the loss of an uncle, and that it seems to be annually so (is that a correct English sentence?). I haven't liked December for a while now (still don't really), which is sad considering it is a month of thanksgiving for the coming of our savior. It's mostly because over the years, the season has been associated with more tears than laughter for mi. 

Then it occurred to mi that just a year after the crash, the memorial song I wrote (will be posted after this) was not one of sorrows, but of thanks. Somehow, I was able to find somethings to be thankful for. So in keeping with the spirit of that time, and taking a step in the positive direction, I decided to make myself think positive for this year's tribute. Rather than be sad, I want to give thanks.

Give thanks to God for the two lives spared. 

Give thanks to God for the lives of the 60.

Give thanks to God that our paths crossed and I was able to meet them.

Give thanks to God for the blessings they brought with their presence and even in their absence.

Give thanks to God for the lessons we learned from their short lives.

Give thanks to God for the smiles we get when we remember then in different ways.

Give thanks to God for the love He allowed us share and experience in their short time on earth. 

Give thanks to God for the comfort He has given since that faithful day.

Give thanks to God for the depressing void he has filled with good memories since.

Give thanks to God for the continuos healing. 

Give thanks to God for the strength He has bestowed upon us all to continue to carry on.

And above all else,

Give thanks to God for the promise of eternal life, which gives us hope of meeting them again. 

Remembering our angels on this day, December 10th, 2013:

Kene Abba, Kelechi Adaka, Busayo Adebolu, Leke Adewoga, Boluwarim Adeyemi, Gabriella Aikhiobare, Wole Ajilore, Obongawan Akpan, Agu Akwiwu, Owanari Amachree, Chisom Awaji, Uzoma Awaji, Vivian Baa, Toke Badru, Chinenye Chigbo, Fanye Daniel-Kalio, Helena Edet, Chineonye Egbosimba, Uzo Egwele, Udeme Ekefre, Aniefon Ekereuwem, Amanze Ekwem, Ibra Ellah, Sandra Gbemudu, Nnanna Ibiam, Nnamdi Idabor, Chuka Ilabor, Nkem Ilabor, Buso Ilabor, Silvia Iroghama, Chibuzo Kamanu, Emma Loolo, Chiweoke Mba, Ijeamaka Mba, Augustine Monago, Linda Njoku, Obioma Nkaginieme, Ubani Nkaginieme, Chidera Nnaji, Ebuka Nnebedum, Emma Ntemuse, Hadiza Nwadei, Chioma Nwigwe, Stephanie Nwoko, Chidinma Nzelu, Adachi Nzenwa, Chidinma Okafor, Zikora Okafor, Ibiso Okemini, Onyeka Okereke, Daniel Okpe, Chris Olakpe, Whitney Orbih, Mayowa Oyebode, Jachimike Tony-Okeke, Ifeanyi Ubah, Richard Udeozor, Uzo Ugochukwu, Chigoziri Ukairo and Peter Utuk

Thinking of you yesterday, today and forever. In our hearts always

RIP